Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Foot in mouth

Over the weekend I made Bradley sad, which really sucked because we are both already sooo stressed out that this was just another thing that we really didn’t need to deal with! Bradley and I have been crazy busy scouring San Diego looking for our new home. Unfortunately I have been super duper busy juggling 3 projects, 2 interns and copious amounts of time in the gym while I agonized over my summer plans. All the while Bradley is super busy with his school requirements, and super preoccupied with getting his bachelor’s degree in a few weeks.

In our very nearly nonexistent free time we’ve packed up all the nonessentials and given away a shit ton of things we would rather replace than attempt to move. Sunday Brad and I spent our afternoon cleaning out our storage unit for all the new things we were planning to fill it with. It was basically 4 years worth of junk we should’ve just thrown away in the first place, but for some reason didn’t. There were a few piles of outdated textbooks, entire boxes full of old tests and papers we’d written, awards, trophies, other markers of honorable mention, in summary, just a whole bunch of shit that nobody could ever really want or need. I really just wanted to unload everything into the dumpster, but Brad insisted on going through all of it!

Then I opened a box with a couple of weird looking ragdolls in it. I can’t remember my exact words, but I made a “humorous” comment about how they looked a lot like the dolls the social worker used to bring over so I could demonstrate how and where my step parents were beating me. It was a completely inappropriate emotional reaction and I KNOW this! I have done this a few times over the years in a bunch of different scenarios and I always feel like such an idiot for the way some of these things come out of my mouth. There’s just this weird disconnect between my emotions and my recollection of the past. It’s really weird because I can remember my stepfather beating me and it doesn’t really spark any real emotion, but then if I were to think about how he used to beat my mother in front of me, I am ready to put my fist through a wall. It makes no sense, and it’s probably very unhealthy, but its just the way my brain works.

Of course Brad knows about my past, but every time I bring it up I feel like it hurts him more imagining it than it does me remembering it. He stopped what he was doing and looked over at me. His eyes were already watery and he was trying really hard to not show how upset he was after hearing what I’d said. I really just wanted to step back in time 5 seconds and slap myself just before I started to speak those words.

Bradley walked over to me and apologized. Then he told me that he was just caught off guard and didn’t mean to make this a big deal. Then I apologized for being stupid still not even sure why I said what I said. I make poor decisions when it comes to the things I allow to fall out of my mouth. Making jokes about child abuse is NEVER funny and ALWAYS in poor taste. I feel like such an idiot right now and I honestly can’t stop wondering what the fuck is wrong with me!?