Monday, October 25, 2010


I flew up to Chicago this Wednesday night to spend a few days with Tyler. I am not used to having my best buddy so far away from me! These last few days have been awesome to catch up with Tyler, we didn’t even go out and party that much. We mostly just hung out and talked, which is something the two of us seldom do. We are in each other’s lives enough to get the gist of what’s going on so mucking it all up with chick talk would’ve been pointless! But now that communication is vital to our friendship, it’s good to know we can actually do it!

The thing that really shocked me the most is how Tyler THINKS he is struggling with his social life (when I think the real problem is that he’s just crazy homesick). Tyler is and always has been the life of every party. He’s probably the most handsome heterosexual guy I have ever and will ever meet, plus he has the kind of personality that draws you in and makes you want to just gravitate around him. From where I stood, it pretty much seemed like Tyler has Chi-town wired! He knows all the cool places to hang, has a bunch of hipster/bro-ee friends to hang with, and there’s no shortage of barely legal hot girls who want to hook up with him. But for some reason he’s just not feeling Chicago. I think he misses me.

As much of an adventurer Tyler is, he’s definitely a homebody at heart. I think he’s slowly coming to realize that you can take the boy out of LA, but you can’t take LA out of the boy! I tried to explain to him how he’s here to learn, and maybe it’s good that things are feeling a little boring in the social department, but he wasn’t having it! So Tyler is going to just finish off his semester, drop out, and then apply to a graduate program at USC or Pepperdine, which I am all kinds of psyched over!

Having Tyler in Chicago fucking sucks! I have nobody to call at midnight on a Tuesday to go grab tacos and beer, or nobody to call me on my bullshit when I start throwing a temper tantrum for any number of reasons my spoiled ass throws them. I miss staying up all night playing call of duty or madden while smoking joints and listening to terrible reggae then walking to Roscoe’s and eating chicken and waffles until we feel like vomiting! But mostly I just miss having my big brother around for no reason at all. I for one am completely ecstatic that Tyler is coming home, but it will be a cold day in hell before I ever say that out loud, you guys didn’t hear any of this from me!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Money Pit

My Life, As Presented By Mastercard...

Multiple X-Rays & a new specialist for each part of my broken body: $6545
Pills, ointments, injections, braces, and monthly PT costs: $9925
Various corrective surgeries and other medical procedures: $198,000
Having the Doctor tell you your dislocated shoulder can’t be fixed and there’s a “chip” floating around in your ankle that will just hurt like a bitch forever: Priceless
There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s FUCK YOU SHITTY BODY.

These last couple months have been dedicated to my health and general well being. And I am starting to think it was all just a big fat waste of time and money! At first things were looking promising in terms of what I could realistically fix, and what I could learn to live with. Then as time went on things started piling up in the “learn to live with” category, while things that were supposed to get fixed got less and less realistic.

Meanwhile the medical bills started piling up and my agent kept hassling me to take on more jobs. Bing. Bang. BOOM. I have made 3 commercials in a month and a half and I kind of feel like a cheap $2 whore. The only positive thing to come out of this is that I have been able to collaborate a lot with Eddie lately and it’s been a lot of fun working with a friend! Somehow he makes selling my soul for a couple bucks feel not so terrible. Also he is literally the most talented artist and director I have ever met, and being in his presence has me constantly in awe of everything he does. I just always feel like I am constantly witnessing history in the making because he’s just that fucking talented!

I guess another positive thing that has come out of this whole disaster is that spending so much time in the studio has forced me into actually working on some personal media projects that I would have otherwise procrastinated out of existence. It feels good to be creative and it feels even better flexing those creative muscles while I am supposed to be finishing up lame ass corporate ads; cuz I am a badass like that. I have been tossing this idea around in my head for a shortfilm and in my head it’s AMAZING, but I am having the hardest time actually seeing it into fruition! It’s driving me nuts, but like I said, at least I have the time to be driven nuts by it.

But seriously, I still really fucking hate anything and everything about advertising. In just this short time I have already been able to break down the secret code that these agencies use when speaking to me. For instance, when they say things like, “We would like you to storyboard these ideas yourself so you can have full creative freedom to really let loose and make something special!” What they mean is, “we are going to get you to do this shit for free and then ask for a buttload of revisions and changes along the way because we are too cheap for an in-house artist!” Then when they sit you down for 2 hours discussing their “ideas” using keywords like, “dynamic, creative, and different” What they are really trying to tell you is that they have no fucking clue what they want, but it was imperative that they waste your entire afternoon pretending like they did. I could go on forever but I won’t because it will only make me more bitter.

I am currently responsible for 3 national tv spots that can actually be seen on primetime most nights and a couple of print ads that are pretty much everywhere too. There was a time when I would have been really disgusted with myself for being a part of the corporate machine like this, but I gots bills to pay and can’t afford no lame ass principals while being 6 figures in debt! Also, that small twinge of pride I am feeling whenever I see my work on TV and magazines; I am pretty sure is proof that I lost my soul when i wasn’t paying attention... It’s cool though cuz I’m gay and I don’t think I will have much use for a soul in the afterlife anyway ;o)

Monday, October 11, 2010

just a few thoughts...

The news lately has been extremely depressing for me. All these gay teens committing suicide because of how they've been mistreated so badly, it breaks my heart. I will never understand the need to hurt and belittle a person because of their sexuality. I will never understand how what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms deserves such extreme scrutiny from "right thinking Americans" all over this great country. I will never understand how loving somebody can cause so much hate.

My brother and I have been spending a lot of time talking about what's going on in this country and how all this anti-gay nonsense affects us and how we view ourselves. It's hard to believe that with all the love we have and see and experience on a daily basis, there are people all around us that just don't. My brother is AMAZING in his ability to cope with all the negativity around him and find a way to come out of it all unscathed. I admire his strength as he deals with our crazy ass family, his teammates at school, and all the pricks out there in the ether that think they have a say in the way we live our lives. He makes me want to be a better and stronger person just so I can keep up with him and still be the big brother he can look up to.

The news has even began to have an effect on my mother who's been making it a point to tell me how much she loves and appreciates me despite how she may have felt in the past. It's nice to hear, but it's actually also really hard to hear because of how little it does for me. I closed myself off to her a long time ago and no matter what I do I just can't find my way back to accepting her into my life. I am pretty sure I am broken in a way that I won't ever be able to fix. But I do my best to fake all those feelings as well as I can for her sake. Even if I can't accept her love, it doesn't mean that I don't love her and I want her to be sad because of me. I am gay and now everybody knows it. I guess the hardest thing to reconcile with myself now, is how underwhelming all this actually is to me.

Not that things are horrible! On the contrary I think I am doing pretty well, all things considered. I have been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for years now. I have friends that I love as much as my own blood. I am finally on the road to discovering the man I will one day become. And I can finally look in the mirror and appreciate what I see, flaws and all.

Coming out is this continuous process that for me, started when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was actually quite a shock for me since I have this amazing ability to lie to myself like nobody's business. I was a senior in high school, my math tutor was a sophomore in college. Looking back on it now, I was totally flirting with him from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I am shocked he held out as long as he did! 2 months after our first tutoring session, I was in his room commenting on his abs when he kissed me. It was the single most exhilarating and terrifying thing I had ever done in my life up to that point. Keeping in mind that I spent my days surfing 15ft waves, riding dirt bikes off ramps into foam pits, and having sex in VERY public places. But this single kiss was all it took to blow all that shit out of the water. Because that kiss redefined who I was and how I saw myself forever.

It's taken me 10 years to get to this point, but I now stand before this world as a PROUD out gay man. I look back on the road I took to get here and how hard I made things for myself, and it's almost laughable. But the most important thing is that I got here, and I am a better man for it! There were a quite few times when I seriously considered suicide. There was actually this special cliff by my house I used to get really drunk and stand at the edge of, crying and screaming out at the ocean thinking about how I could just make it all go away if I were to just take one step forward. But for some reason I never did take that step and I am so happy and thankful that I didn't! My life isn't perfect, and it's nowhere near easy, but I am so grateful for every moment I get to live it.

If you, or somebody you know is struggling with being gay, please know that it does get better! You are not alone and there are people out there who want to help you and make sure you KNOW that tomorrow can and will be better than today. You don't have to go through this alone, if you don't feel like there's somebody in your life you can trust, email me Or call the trevor project @ (866) 488-7386. I used to work for a hotline similar to this EVERY person there cares deeply about what you are going through. You just have to put yourself out there and be brave enough to make that first step.