Monday, November 23, 2009


I left work early on Friday when my stepdad gave me a call to ask if I could pick my brother up from school because he'd just been suspended for fighting! Long story short, a senior called him a fag, so my brother beat the shit out of him right there on the spot. To me it sounded like the other kid got what he deserved and neither of them should have been suspended because the problem took care of itself. Unfortunately the school has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to campus violence though, so my brother got suspended until after the holiday weekend.

My stepdad was on a business trip on the east coast until Monday and I had a HUGE party weekend planned for me big TWO-FOUR!. I was planning on getting my bro from home afterwork and we were going to drive up north go grab Brad and then keep going north to the beach house where Tyler was getting things ready. But now I had to make a decision; was I going to pretend like I was disappointed in my brother for not letting some loser punk him, or was I going to high five him and let him have a couple beers with me at my many parties over the weekend? I got to his school and I couldn't even fake anger or even minor annoyance. The way I saw it, the next kid was going to think twice before trying to pick on my brother after this!

Unfortunately the vice principal didn't share my opinion and wanted to talk with me privately in her office before she let me take my brother home. She basically wanted me to make sure that my brother knew this was unacceptable behavior no matter what the antecedent to the fight was, and if this ever happens again my brother is going to be permanently expelled from school. Then she got all funny on me recounting my many indiscretions as a student at this school and how she could tell we are brothers. She was joking, but I got the message behind her story and I decided that my brother and I did need to have a talk about this after all! FUCKING vice principals and there crazy ass elephant memories! I couldn't even remember her name and she remembered every little thing I did wrong the entire time I went to that school.

Basically what she was telling me, in an indirect way, so I would actually listen to what she was saying (once again because she remembered me and the kind of person I am), was that my brother wasn't exactly the victim in this scenario because he isn't the kind of kid that gets picked on. He's smart, funny, handsome and extremely well liked by just about everybody because of his all around charming personality (just like his big brother). Unfortunately this makes him a little bit of an asshole to some of the other kids on the playground, just like his big brother... Yeah that kid called my brother a fag, but my brother probably did something to get a rise out of him in the first place, so I probably wasn't going to be able to slip my brother a beer over the weekend and congratulate him for beating up a homophobe.

In the end I just thought to myself, "Fuck it! I can't tell him to be nice to people he doesn't like, this is one of those things he needs to learn on his own through living his life and taking some time to reflect on the things he's done. Besides, I am not his father I am his brother! AND it's my birthday weekend!". So we drove up north to Brad's house and talked a little bit about life and such. He admitted he'd been picking on the kid and that maybe this was all his fault, but he also threw in how NOBODY called him a fag he didn't care what the reason behind it was. I couldn't argue with that, so I just asked him to try and be a bit nicer.

The weekend was CRAZY! Nobody throws a party like TYLER! I am going to be recovering from this weekend for the rest of the month. Lucky me I have an extra long holiday weekend to nurse myself back to health.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

some reflection

I have been feeling inadequate for quite some time now. This is to be expected because it always happens to me when I get a lot of time on my hands and I have absolutely nothing going on. I have way too much time to think about all those opportunities I rejected, and all that time I spent going down the wrong path. I start thinking about where I could be or where I SHOULD be, and then I compare it to where I am; then of course the feeling of inadequacy sets in and I am done. There's nothing more crushing than the burden of all that goddamn potential!

Usually when things get as stagnant as they have been, I meet up with a bunch of skaters and we shoot some footage that I edit and sell to different skater sites, or I head off to NYC for a month or two and take some time to figure out my next step. But this time the skating didn't really pan out and NYC wasn't an option (don't even get me started on the waves that have been as flat as a 10 yr old girl), and all this was only further exacerbated by that awful cuntrag I ran into at the beach a few weeks ago who informed me of my impending 10 year high school reunion, NOT TO MENTION my 24th birthday. And it all just became way too much for me to even deal with! I needed some kind of escape, a way to make myself feel like I was contributing something "grown-up", a way to make myself feel like I haven't just spent the last 10 years of my life with my thumb up my ass!

So when Mr. Tyler asked me to come to work for him I jumped at the chance to prove to myself that I could actually do it. I think I needed to see if I could actually succeed or if all my excuses were just a defense mechanism because deep down I knew that if I really tried I would fail. I got off to an extremely rocky start. That first week I was a mess and my team saw it, so I didn't really get the respect I was shooting for. But it was okay because I hadn't actually earned it yet. I spent all weekend getting organized and creating an outline that went into detail on what I expected from each person on my team, and on Monday I sat them all down in the conference room and I explained to them WITH CONFIDENCE exactly how I expect MY team to function. There was no room for arguments, and though they tried, I made the decision to make this work and there's no way in hell I am going to throw in the towel this early in the game.

Last week I was freaking out because I was sure I wasn't capable of taking this challenge. I wore my fear on my sleeve and everybody saw it. It took a couple of friends basically beating some sense into me to realize that I was fucking up big time and being extremely self destructive. I can't say that I am going to get through the next 5 months without having another freak out or ten, but I do know that next time I am not going to be so public about it and only freak out in my head. At least I don't have to wear a suit to work there's something about a tie that feels a little too much like a noose...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Day three and I am still here so, yay me! I took an extra half hour for lunch today and I went to a skatepark hoping that some physical activity would save me from punching somebody in the face during our development meetings. I didn't punch anybody so DOUBLE YAY! Although there was this one moment during the meeting where this ass hole with a receding hairline wouldn't stop challenging every word that came out of my mouth! I couldn't just tell him to shut up, so I had to call a break, and used that down time so I could kindly but firmly let him know where he could shove it in private. By the end of the day I had wrangled that facetious prick with the receding hairline into submission and in a small way it felt like a BIG victory. It turns out they passed him up for a promotion and that's why he's being a little bitch about this. Everybody now thinks I am an asshole but if that's what it takes then I am fine with it. I don't actually want to be friends with any of them anyway. I am now going to go and smoke a joint then cry myself to sleep because tomorrow I have to get up and do this all over again.

Monday, November 09, 2009

the grind

I have been struggling with trying to figure out how I fit into my life since coming home from Europe. I have absolutely no direction or drive to do anything! I spend my days watching TV, surfing shitty waves and playing with my dog, all the while slowly going crazy from boredom and a life of mediocrity. Wasn't I supposed to be the guy meant for something special? Wasn't I going to grow up with my face on the cover of magazines? What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

I went to college to become an engineer. I traveled the world to become a better surfer. I accomplished both but really didn't find happiness or fulfillment in either. Out of boredom I have taken on a huge programming project that will eventually take up every waking moment of my life, just so I can stop thinking about how much of a failure I am. Today was my first day and I spent the majority of it refamiliarizing myself with the project because I was the guy who created the original program 4 years ago. Since then, it's gone through quite a few changes and tweaks from other professionals but now its time for a complete overhaul and the honor of this metamorphosis goes to yours truly.

At first it worried me that something this HUGE and important would be entrusted to me. But then I thought about how much more impressive I look on paper (Ivy League graduate, internship at one of the top corporations in the world, multiple awards and commendations for a plethora of programming challenges and events, etc), than the reality of ACTUAL me ACTUALLY is, and I was somewhat comforted. After I met all the people who were going to be working for me and was immediately relieved to discover they were all a million times more competent than I am! I spent most of my day getting to know my team and learning a little about each of them and what they brought to the table. I usually get pretty insecure when you put me in a room with a bunch of programmers because I am pretty atypical when it comes to your standard computer guy; i.e. I don't know how to play Dungeons & Dragons, I don't have a WoW account, I never held a Magic card, and I have had sex within the last week with somebody I didn't meet on the internet.

There's usually this HUGE disconnect when I meet other programmers and I am willing to admit that I am largely to blame for this. It would be a completely fair statement to say that I am the Elle Woods of the computer world. I stick out like a sore thumb and not in a good way! I am not a huge fan of using technical jargon when it comes to explaining myself and people initially misconstrue that as stupidity, which I completely understand! Also when I talk, with no exaggeration, I sound EXACTLY like Keanu Reeves so that's 20 strikes against me alone. So today as I was getting to know my team I got that same trepidation from them I ALWAYS get when meeting new people because they think I am in idiot.

Balding 30yr. old Man: How old are you!? (more as an accusation than a question)
RGB: I am 23, but I am almost 24...

I bring this on myself by not outwardly exuding the confidence I need to show in order for them to believe in my leadership. I am working on it! What I should have said to the fucker was, " I am 23. I graduated high school at 15 and university at 20. I could have finished in 2 years since I started University as a second semester sophomore, but I was too busy being a pro surfer and fucking my way through 5 continents and more countries than I can count." Fuck it! Tomorrow's a new day. If I have to pull out my cock and beat them with it to assert myself, I WILL! It just sucks working so hard to be good at a job I hate just because I can't figure out what it is that I really want to do with myself. Is this what it means to be a grown up?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Cycle

There are certain people from your life, more specifically your past, which you hope never to interact with again. You grow complacent with the fact that it has been quite some time since your last encounter. Then the Universe gets bored and decides that it would be fun to mix things up. And then you run into said person while playing with your dog at the dog beach while any other NORMAL person would be at work like a good respectable adult should be. And you avoid her for as long as you can only to have her come barreling down the beach right towards you. And now there is no escape; you are trapped in dithering conversation with this awful cunt rag, so vacuous and annoying that you are actually considering faking a seizure. At one point, you think she might invite you to have lunch with her. You start bargaining things you probably shouldn’t, like your soul or first born, in exchange for being transported anywhere else. You realize she is still talking and begin to make list of things that are more fun than engaging in this conversation: licking a frozen telephone pole; attending a human sacrifice; watching paint dry; sitting through an episode of The Hills. Finally, after the 20 minutes that seemed to last an eternity, she slowly begins to meander towards the ocean where the water breaks without so much as a goodbye. And with that, the terrifying experience is over as suddenly as it started. So you vow never to be caught unaware again. But then, of course, you spot your dog chasing seagulls and its really adorable, so much so you forget to watch out for questionable people, and the whole unseemly cycle begins anew.