Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Wanderlust


Most nights I can’t sleep so I jump into my car and before I know it I’m at a national park 10hrs away. Which is how I ended up at Arches and spent the day paddle boarding down the Colorado. And it’s how I ended up stuck in a snowstorm IN MY CAR overnight somewhere between Tahoe and Placerville. And its how I ended up at Crater Lake getting eaten by mosquitoes and sleeping under the stars.

I’ve never been very good at meditation or quiet contemplation. In general anything that requires me to sit still and remain quiet, I fail at. But walking up the side of a mountain for hours with that slow burn in my legs and that fresh air in my lungs has allowed me to really clear my mind.

When I first started wandering the country in my SUV, it was because I was sad and lonely and felt like my world was falling apart. I needed an escape and the idea of drinking until I couldn’t feel feelings anymore made me feel sick to my stomach. SO I jumped in my car and drove. I ended up at Manzanar and spent the day walking and crying and drawing and imagining all the sad and hopeless souls who fought, suffered, died, and felt like the world had turned against them. And then I spent 5 hours driving home feeling slightly better. 

After that I caught the bug. Machu Picchu, Everest, Whitney, Halfdome, Patagonia and my upcoming trip to Kawaii are the big ones. But between that, road trips to Big Sur, Glacier, Death Valley, Zion and monthly visits to Joshua Tree have become my reason to live. The good people at REI have become my second family, and outside under the stars is my new favorite home. 

For the last 2 years this has been my life. The world is a beautiful place. I’ve spent my entire life experiencing some of the best beaches in the world, so now it’s time to see what else is going on. That’s the logic I apply to my situation to justify what I’m doing. But I know theres more to it. My failures, my heartache and my inability to do anything are always on my mind. I’ve spent so long being held hostage by a sickness that has crippled my soulmate. Even now that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel, I still can’t help but feel like nothing has really changed. I’m still a failure and I’m still alone. 


I don't really know what I'm saying here. Lately a lot of people have been forcing me to stop and deal with a lot of stuff I have been avoiding. There are so many things happening that I just don't feel qualified to deal with, and running away from my problems has always been my go to move... I keep hoping that avoiding my problems will either magically make them go away, or inspire some answers and solutions I haven't even considered. But that's not the way life works.

That moment when you want to be Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild. But worry you’re actually Reese Witherspoon in Wild… {confused face emoji}

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

The Perfect Day

You were sitting on the porch of your parents' house when I arrived. You looked at me and your whole face lit up. I would crawl on broken glass all day long just to see you look at me like that. I'm sure I was smiling like an idiot because I was so happy to see you.

You asked if you could hug me. There was a look in your eye, like you thought I might say no. It hurt. But then I thought about it and I realized that I wasn't sure I wanted you to hug me. There you go again, knowing me better than I know myself. We hugged and it was the best hug I have experienced in all my 33 years on this planet. 

I don't know how long we stood there holding each other. It was awhile. There were just so many different thoughts and emotions racing through my mind that I couldn't even begin to describe this moment. When we finally let each other go, you had tears in your eyes. I wiped them away, and thats when you touched my face and I realized I had the same tears. 

We hugged again. You smelled so good. Is it possible that one of the things I miss the most is your stink? All the fear, and anger, and sadness just seemed to evaporate. You looked healthy and you felt amazing in my arms, literally all that I need in the universe to be happy. I love you so much.

You took my hand and we walked. I hate holding hands. Ever since I was a kid, I hated having to hold ANYBODY'S hand, but I love holding yours. I don't know if you weren't ready to talk or if I wasn't, either way we walked in silence and it was perfect. The sound of the waves crashing, the feeling of the sand between my toes, and your hand in mine were all I can remember.

When we got back to the house reality came with us. You fucking broke me. You promised me you were going to be my partner in life. You promised me that all you wanted was to make me happy and that you would never hurt me. But guess what, I'm fucking hurt. Real bad. And it's all your fault, but really I feel like it's all my fault. I should've seen the signs. When I finally did, I should've done more to get you the help you needed. I should've been enough.

You tell me all about your summer in rehab. You talk about this breakthrough you had. It all sounds amazing, and profound, and in the moment, I am truly happy for you. All I wanted was for you to realize you were strong enough to be the man I know you can be. 

We grab lunch, but I don't even know if I ate anything because I couldn't stop staring at you. I am so happy just to be able to exist in your universe again. We decide to go surfing. As you take off your shirt, I just need to touch you. We're kissing and I don't even know how we started. I hadn't kissed you in months, it felt like years. I love you so much.

I think we made it into the water...

Back at the house reality hits me hard again. I have all this anger in me and it's only getting worse. My brother died of an accidental overdose. And I still have all this regret and sadness and impotent rage over all the things I didn't do. Then I look at you, and the road we've been down, and I realize that I surely failed my brother just as I failed you. In that moment I hate you.

I feel crazy. Because I love you so much it hurts. But I look at you sometimes and I just feel disgusted. I don't trust you. I can't depend on you. I am constantly scared that me being honest with these feelings is going to push you over the edge again and that would destroy me in a way I am sure I would never recover from. 

The official term for what's going on with us is a "Trial Separation". We've been in counseling since September. Besides counseling, once a week we get together and we have THE MOST PERFECT DAY. And every week seems to be better than the last, but when it's over nothing has really changed. I still don't trust you. I still know that I can't depend on you. I don't know how I am ever going to get to the point where I can.