Friday, February 29, 2008

Science is Stupid!

I am soooo over school!! I hate computers, I hate math and I hate science! My brain is so fried I don't even remember what the fuck vector space is anymore, and I have an ENTIRE final on it in about 2 weeks. In my science class we are studying the higher levels of programming abstraction, using Java and object-oriented programming techniques. But my biggest problem is my hatred of programming in the C language, which is a systems programming language that also provides lowlevel capabilities similar to those of assembly language.

I have no idea what it was that I used to enjoy about computer science. It's not fun, and I am way to attractive/social, and have zero skills in Dungeons and Dragons! I think it's about time I start to look into alternatives to a MS in CS. Like an MS in business! And I could become one of those douche bag project managers that take all the credit for the work their programmers do and make twice as much as them. There's nothing like a nice soul-sucking job with limitless cash flow and questionable morals!

I am hoping that once this quarter is over, and I have a moment to breath, I might change my mind. Still the realist in me is doubtful and already looking into the business program at my school and checking for application deadlines. I wish I could just be done with school already and start my career as an astronaut/magician/ race car driver/superhero (or maybe even less likely than that, a gay pro athlete).

Sigh... Maybe I should just go into porn. It's not like everybody I know hasn't seen me naked anyway. Just because I think watching it is ridiculous, doesn't mean I can't star in it! Right?

Thursday, February 28, 2008


For the second time, in as many years, naked pictures of myself have shown up on the internet! I am pretty annoyed with it. Not because I am ashamed of the way I look, but more because they ended up online without my permission! Both times it was the same picture and I have no idea where the fuck people are getting it from! Is there some kind of miscellaneous naked guy website that has a bunch of candid naked boys without there pants on!?

Seeing my image online and not expecting it, kind of takes the wind right out of my sails pretty fast. Especially for a guy like me that likes to be in control of every aspect in his life. All of the pics that have been taken of me were from my pre-back injury days. So not only was I barely legal in these pics, but I was also a lot more muscular and darker from the hours I spent in the tropical sun without sunscreen. It's a huge contrast to my current pasty complexion and muscleless body!

Seeing these old images of myself almost gives me a complex on my own body and how I look now. How fucked up is it that pictures of myself make me feel insecure about the way I look!? Fucking twilight zone bullshit going on in my head or something.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Party Guy

This weekend Tyler celebrated his 26th birthday. Yeah I know; he is FUCKING OLD! But he’s my best friend, so what can I do? Partying commenced promptly at 6pm on Friday and went on until about 2 or 3 hours ago. Now I am facing some serious partier’s remorse because for the second weekend in a row (Bradley’s best friend John turned 20 the weekend before) I have decided to have fun instead of hitting the books like I was supposed to!

I must admit that I had a good time my last couple weekends. Still I have noticed a huge difference in the way that a 20 year old has fun and the way that a 26 year old has fun! It has also become very apparent that I am no longer 20, or anywhere near being 26 either. It’s an odd feeling, being newly 23 and wedged right between two very different generations and not really feeling 100% relatable to either group.

The kids I grew up with were always a couple years older than me both because of the time of year I was born, and the fact that I skipped a grade. So most of my life I have always thought of myself as older than I really am. At some point my life kind of stalled (or maybe me being so much younger than my friends caught up with me) and while I stayed stagnant, they kept on going. As a result, hanging around some of the guys I grew up with now, almost makes me feel like when a little brother tries to be cool and chill with his older brothers. I never used to feel like this, but all of my HS friends just seem so much older than I am.

The flipside of that would be Bradley’s friends. I sometimes forget how much younger Bradley is because he seems so mature, and is built like a 25 year old fitness model. Then we spend the weekend with his friends and I spend half my time thinking to myself that there was no way I was half as stupid as these kids are when I was their age!

For awhile, I thought about how tame the kind of fun Tyler’s party was compared to the kind of fun we had at John’s. Then upon further preponderance I decided it wasn’t that Tyler’s party was tamer, it was just that we had already burned out on the stuff that was going on at John’s party while they were still waiting for their balls to drop, plus we broke way more laws doing it and did it with way more style!

I don’t really know what I am trying to say here. Is it possible to have an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time? Maybe this is the very definition of ambivalence and a prime example of why being around people your own age while you are growing up is so important. Anyway, I just really wanted to say that I had a lot of fun but am now paying for it with all the cramming I have to do now. As much fun as it is to procrastinate and leave everything to the last second, I think I should definitely save myself from this kind of fun in the future!

Thursday, February 21, 2008


I get asked a lot about what my feelings are on random hook-ups. People see me as this quiet little Asian boy that would NEVER do anything like that! But the thing that most people are forgetting is I am half white, so in addition to my big fat cock, I have also been blessed with a healthy dollop of sexual deviance. I went through a very long period in my life where sex with people I hardly knew seemed like the only kind of sex I was going to be having for the rest of my life! My first real sexual experiences with men were all with guys I wouldn’t be able to recognize if they walked right up to me and shook my hand!

Back when I was still in the closet, I used to have a lot of random hook-ups with guys I didn’t know very well. Some of them were guys I met on the internet and others were guys I picked up in bars. It was an extremely confusing part of my life and I wasn’t having an easy time processing all these feelings and experiences. So I did my best to have as many of these “experiences” as possible, not really sure why.

I am not going to lie. I totally got a rush out of this whole sex with a stranger thing. It was dangerous and it was the easiest way for me to express this whole other part of myself [sexually] while still being a nameless face. Don’t get me wrong, I NEVER had bathroom sex, or sex in a park or some disgustingly pitiful variation of it. Just exchanging pictures [no names] of each other via email, and then a quick orgasm at my place or theirs was as far as I was willing to go.

Like anything else, it started off pretty tame. Mutual jerk-offs while watching porn, turned into blow jobs and rimming overnight. Then one day, this guy asked me to fuck him. Me being the kind hearted and generous man that I am, I totally jumped on the opportunity, so to speak… Oh man, I worked that ass over like it owed me money! 4 condoms later, that poor guy couldn’t even walk anymore, and I left his house feeling satisfied in a way that had eluded up until that point in my life.

After that night, it was all I ever wanted to do! And there were no shortages in guys willing to get used like that and never expect a call the next day. Things went on like this for quite awhile, RGB the power top, out prowling around for the next hole to stick it in. It’s not really a part of my life that I am proud of, but it was definitely a part of my life where I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted.

It was January, and I had just walked into this bar on the gay part of town looking to hook up. I had just turned 20, so I was still using my fake ID to get into the place. There was this guy sitting at a table all alone, 6’2 and 200lbs, all muscle. I think I got an erection just looking at him. I walked right up to him, and all it took was eye contact to know that I was going home with him.

He was very aggressive. I had never been with a guy like this before. I decided to go with it, because I am always down for a new experience. Before I knew it, I was bent over and getting ready to take it up the butt for the first time. I did my best to, “take it like a man”, but then I started to panic. I didn’t like this feeling of being dominated! I tried to push him off of me, but he outweighed me by at least 60lbs of pure muscle. I freaked out for maybe half a second, and then I grabbed his right wrist and locked it. Then I bent it so he was forced to roll into it. When he was finally off of me, I stood up and grabbed his other arm. Before he had time to react, I had him in a standing shoulder lock, but he was too tall to finish the technique in a choke hold.

I started panic again, because even though I had the upper hand at the moment, he was so much bigger than I was and once that element of surprise was gone I was going to be in trouble! I kneed him in the kidney, and then I socked him in his armpit, grabbed my pants and ran. I didn’t even stop to put them on, I just ran out the front door and straight for my car.

After that night, I completely stopped all that shit I was doing. I think it finally dawned on me that what I was doing was dangerous and there are a lot of people out there that I am no match for no matter how well trained I am. Taking a step back from all the meaningless sex actually gave me the time I needed to focus on myself and really figure out who I was. Once I was finally ready, things started falling into place kind of effortlessly. 5 months passed and I went away to camp and I met my first boyfriend. Almost a year later I found Eddie, and a little over a year after that, I met Bradley.

I feel like everybody needs to go through that phase where sex is more important than companionship. It's not until you become completely burned out on all of it and all those one night stands start to feel a little hollow (or you go through a very sobering experience) are most people ready to move on. So I am emphatically for random hook-ups, because without them we would never realize how important it is to make a REAL connection with someone.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

An overdue conversation

I don't get it. You left your career behind so you could go back to school and one day get a job sitting behind a desk getting fat!? That's not you! Surfing is in your blood and I don't care how good you are at math, it's never going to be a part of you like surfing is. I feel sorry for you because the way you left things, there's no going back. You have completely burned all your bridges walking out the way you did.

I have never seen so many people bend over backwards to try and accommodate somebody who in the grand scheme of things, really didn't matter! No offense. But they did it because they saw in you the potential for greatness. Then you shit all over everything that everybody offered to you on a silver platter. And maybe that's the problem. Everything has always been so goddamn easy for you! You don't understand what it's like to work hard, and to struggle to accomplish something because everything that you do you are naturally the best at.

I am sorry dude, I am just so frustrated with you and I don't understand! You and me, we came up together. We have spent years working hard and it was almost time for us to be in the spotlight. My whole life I always knew you wanted this as much as I did and then all of a sudden you didn't. What the fuck changed!?

I have been dreading this for years. But I am a little shocked by how much you actually care about this. I don't really know what to tell you. The truth is I am as much in love with surfing today, as I was the very first time I ever rode a wave. It's just that all the rest of it was too hard to deal with. The pressure to succeed alone was enough to drive me crazy, but that wasn't it. It was that feeling I got when I walked into a room that was full of guys I had known for years and being completely terrified. Terrified that I was going to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing and completely give myself away. Because what would they say, or what would they do, if they knew...

That I am gay.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Cause I can!

If you guys haven't figured it out yet, I am kind of a nerd. My area of study is notorious for being full of antisocial pasty losers who haven't been naked with another human being since high school gym. So when the professor in one of my classes asked us to form 4 person groups to complete a series of projects throughout the semester, I was more than a little worried that team work might be a problem.

SHOCKER! I was right. EVERYBODY rubbed everybody the wrong way! Within the first 5 minutes of being in the same room, bitch fits were erupting all over. I think the problem is that none of these guys ever played team sports (Dungeons and Dragons don't count!) so they never learned how to work with others and as a result have absolutely no social skills what so ever! At the suggestion of one of the dudes in my group, I am not sure which one, it was decided that each "group project" would be divided between us and we would solo each project but share the credit.

I went first because everybody had the least amount of confidence in me and wanted to see if I could actually do the job. I totally aced the project and left them all completely shocked with my mad skills! I guess that from their point of view, I definitely seem a tad bit unscrupulous. However, it's the burden I carry being so goddamn good looking, charming, and intelligent!

I had a party, for shits and giggles, and I decided to bury the hatchet and invite the nerd herd over. It probably wasn't the best idea, because this party got a little bit out of control. Even for a party that I am used to having. At one point there was actually this chick who literally ripped my shirt off! I almost feel bad for completely traumatizing these poor innocent guys, because I just don't think they were equipped to cope with the things they saw... HAHAHA!!

They completely ignored me today in class, not that they ever really didn't to begin with... Not that the way they treat me is any different from the way they treat each other... Fucking virgins! Debauchery aside, it was a great party. There was good music, good food, and a lot of very attractive people there (Both male and female!). I have no idea what they possibly could have been upset about.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


I am SOOO tired of people recoiling in horror every time I tell them I don't have a myspace/facebook! It's like I am telling them that I eat babies for breakfast or saying that I was born without a penis! People need to learn how to chill the fuck out and learn how to stop living their lives through their online profiles.

I FUCKING HATE myspace/facebook/etc.! I am morally opposed to all things related to online networking for a plethora of reasons, the biggest being that EVERYBODY is doing it! And what's the deal with the myspace pictures!? From those retarded black and white emo shots, to those ridiculous self-portraits through the mirror, I just want to punch somebody in the face every time I see one! The more everybody around me tries to get me to join, the more I am determined to NEVER do it.

Rant done!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008


My father and I had a falling out a few weeks ago. Basically my stepmother has been having a lot of issues with him spending all this time with me, so she asked him to stop, and he agreed.

He looked me right in the eyes and he said, "Son, I love you, but you have to try and understand where she's coming from. You know you have never made life easy on her. You can't really blame her can you?"

Top 5 Things I would have rather heard
  1. "I wish I would have worn a condom because this whole situation would be a lot easier!"
  2. "Son, I have testicular cancer."
  3. "You are the biggest disappointment any father could have in their son."
  4. "Once I perfect this wire hanger abortion trick, I am building myself a time machine to set things right!"
  5. "I hate you."

Unfortunately he didn't say any of those 5 statements I listed above. He said the one thing that hurt more than anything else he could ever say to me. In that moment I saw myself through his eyes, and I realized that I was tired of it. The bullshit from my mom is a lot less painful to deal with because at least she's honest with her feelings!

So in a calm voice, I said, "Get the fuck out of my house and never come back."

So he did. And that was the end of it. I didn't even cry because I have been preparing myself for this moment ever since he came back into my life.

After it happened, I didn't tell anybody. I did my best to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about it. When I wasn't busy I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal because I saw this coming from a mile away. I think I finally started to crack after my evening with Mrs. Tyler. It was a lot easier for me to deal with this when I thought I was unlovable.

I know what you guys are thinking! You are thinking, "HELLO!? Doesn't your boyfriend love you!?" Well yeah! Of course Bradley loves me! But that's completely different. It's easy to love me if you get to have sex with me! I am extremely gorgeous, I have a huge penis (well at least for my size), and I know how to use it. And now you guys are thinking, "What about Tyler then!?" First I would like to say, STOP BEING SO GODDAMN ARGUMENTATIVE WHILE I AM TRYING TO TELL A STORY! Secondly I would like to add how that's completely different also. It's easy to have a platonic love with somebody that is exactly like you in every way, except for the way that I like boys and he likes girls.

I was thinking of love in more of a maternal/paternal way. In the way my parents were supposed to love me, but never quite did. Mrs. Tyler made me realize that I always had that love in both her and Mr. Tyler. It was much more than the grand gestures, like birthday and Christmas presents. It was the million little things that made me a part of the family. Like calling me over to reset the time on the microwave. Or asking me to stay when the plummer showed up so Mrs. Tyler wouldn't be alone. Or helping Mr. Tyler pick out the perfect anniversary present for Mrs. Tyler. Or even just being allowed to be a part of the family when they are the most vulnerable.

I have always had all the love in my life that I could possibly stand. It may not have been love in a traditional sense, but since when have I ever been a traditional guy? I do know that my mother and father love me, and they always will. Maybe it's alright that they never loved me as parents should, because I have always had the Tylers for that. That pic was us on a road trip when I was 11. I don't even remember where we took it, but I do remember that even though we were traveling it was one of the first times I felt like I was home.