Thursday, January 31, 2008

Very Happy Un-Birthday

NOBODY walks places in So Cal unless they are hippies, or really really drunk! Last night I walked home, and since I hate patchouli oil, it was obviously because I was EXTREMELY drunk. Last night we had a little mini party at a sushi restaurant because the guy on Bradley's fake ID turned 23! After consuming around a gallon of warm saki between the 5 of us and about 4 large Asahi beers each, leaving our car and walking off an extreme buzz seemed like the best idea.

I wouldn't shut up about how much I didn't want to walk and how we should have gotten a cab, so I got to ride Bradley all the way back home. When we got home poor Bradley was so exhausted he could barely make it up the stairs! Hahaha! I think he was just looking for an excuse to not help me set up the air mattresses in the den. We only walked for a mile, or two...

I have class at 2pm, but I haven't gotten out of bed yet, and I have no desire to do so any time soon. Bradley got up 3 hours ago because he had practice and apparently missing a practice when you play for a major CA University is a big deal. However, I don't have that problem, so I am thinking that I will either be very late to class, or I won't go at all. Times like these are when I know I should clear my head, get very serious, and ask myself, "WWJD?"

Monday, January 28, 2008

Just a reminder...

We flew into the LAX last night around 7. We all exchanged pleasantries and said goodbye, then were quickly reminded to come up and visit EVERY chance we got. I love Bradley’s family! They are all just so nice.

Bradley dropped me off at Tyler’s parent’s house and then headed down to SD on his own. (For those of you that are new to my blog, Tyler is my brother from another mother. He’s the first person I ever came out to, and the only guy on the planet that knows me better than I know myself.) I have been meaning pick up my second car from their house for months, but life has been so crazy that I haven’t had an opportunity to do so until now. Also Tyler’s mom (For the purposes of this blog I will now refer to Tyler’s parents as Mr. and Mrs. Tyler.) has wanted to get me all by myself for a very long time, but our schedules have always clashed until yesterday, so it was like killing 2 birds with one stone.

I have always been extremely close with Tyler’s parents. I have literally been on every single family vacation they have taken since the 7th grade, and when my dad kicked me out my senior year, they were the ones that took me in. Throughout my life, they have always been my safety net for whatever I tried, because I knew when everybody else left me they would still be there, even more than my mother and father.

At first I assumed all the things they did for me were out of an obligation they felt because I was Tyler’s best friend. Like maybe I was just some kind of nuisance that wouldn’t go away, and I needed to be very careful to not overstay my welcome or things might change quickly. But that all changed the day I moved in with them. In no uncertain terms, they let me know they loved me, and for better or worse I was part of their family for life.

After Tyler, they were the first people I came out to. I told them months before I came out to my [lesbian] aunts and almost a year before I came out to my own parents. I told them first for a number of reasons. I love them, I respect them, they have always been there for me when I needed them, but above all else, I KNEW they were going to accept me no matter what.

I have my own keys, so I let myself in and made my way to the back of the house. Mrs. Tyler was listening to some music when I came in. She got up and hugged me and then we were talking about my amazing tan that I magically acquired in this super crappy weather, and then we got our coats and grabbed some dinner in our favorite fancy restaurant. I kind of felt like there was something ominous in the very near future she was building up to, but I decided to just enjoy the moment.

And it began the moment we got back into the car!

Mrs. Tyler: Mijo, I worry about you so much. You and Tyler are my whole life and both of you boys are so secretive when it comes to your lives!

RGB: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Mrs. Tyler: [as she puts her hand on my shoulder] My boys are so tough! But you can’t lie to me. I know what’s going on in your life even if you don’t share it with me.

At this point we are back home already and we go take a seat in the backyard under the covered patio.

Mrs. Tyler: I had a talk with your mother last month mijo. I know what’s going on. I talked with Tyler about it and he says you have been having a difficult time with the way she has been treating you. She has no right to treat you the way she does! You know I think of you as my own. As long as I live you will always have a mother in me who is proud of you and the man that you have become. I will always be here if you need me for anything, and I will always love you with all of my heart!

RGB: [choked up and unable to talk I just stare at the ground.]

We don’t even have to talk anymore. She knows everything. She hugs me and I completely fall apart. I don’t know how long I cry for, but during the whole thing she never lets go. She looked at me again and she asked me how I was really doing. So I have her the highlights (and here)... She'd already heard most of this stuff from Tyler, who had talked to her about me because he was worried, FUCKING MOMMA'S BOY!!!

I was totally busted and a complete mess, but when it was finally over I actually felt good. I felt like I had a mom and she cared enough for me to sit me down and force me to let my guard down. I am not sure why I was surprised that Mrs. Tyler cared so much, its not like she hasn't done similar things like this for me my whole life. I can't even count how many times she has told me she loves me, or let me know how she thinks of me as if I were her son, but I still get surprised every time she proves it.

I know it sounds stupid, especially because of how wonderful I am! But I sometimes feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. I have two parents, and at some point in my life, both of them have made it clear to me that life would be much less complicated if I weren't in it. What kind of parents would make their children feel like that!? What kind of person does a kid have to be to make their parents say such things?

Most of my time I go through my days with this huge chip on my shoulder. This feeling that somehow I am less worthy than everybody around me. I live moment to moment thinking any second everybody in my life is going to abandon me. Then Mrs. Tyler hugs me and I forget that my mom thinks I am going to hell and my dad would rather believe I am a liar than admit my stepmother used to beat me.

Mrs Tyler always likes to remind me how life gives us everything we need to cope with whatever problems that come our way. In my case life has given me devastatingly good looks, an amazing sense of humor, intelligence, athletic superiority, and above all else plenty of people who love me. I guess sometimes I just need to be reminded about that last one...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Gone golfing...

In yet another stupid idea in a series of stupid ideas I have had as of late, I went golfing today without my brace (You can really tell my right knee is messed up because it's twice the size of my left knee!). It was definitely a lot of fun, but the pain I am feeling right now is letting me know that I am really going to feel this tomorrow. We didn't really keep score, but we did have a lot of fun in our polo shirts and plaid shorts! Not to mention the massive amounts of beer we consumed along the way...

Brad's dad is hilarious and he's so much fun to be around. He has this really dry sense of humor and half the time I can't tell if he's being serious or extremely sarcastic. So I will like start to laugh at something he's saying, and then get really confused and think that maybe I shouldn't be laughing, and then everybody starts laughing at me! It's not funny picking on the FOB because English is his second language! Who the hell am I kidding? It's fucking hilarious! Just not when it's happening to me... Okay fine, it's actually even funnier when it's happening to me because I don't have an accent so I just come off looking like I might have been dropped on my head one to many times when I was a baby!

Right now I am sitting in front of my computer thinking about this assignment I need to submit to my professor via email. I haven't even started yet, but I have until midnight to get it done. This probably means that I am going to spend about 2 hours playing games online and IM'ing my friends, then go grab some dinner with Bradley and his family, then maybe drink some more, then some hot guy on guy action, and then around 11:45 I will half ass something and submit it at 12:01.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

In Cabo

Bradley and his family went to Cabo, and after some serious arm twisting (read he mentioned it to me and I totally jumped on it like an invite!) I packed a bag and made Bradley carry all my stuff to the car. Even though I have already been in school 2 weeks, Brad doesn't start until the 28th, so I have decided I can take a couple days off with that extended MLK weekend. The weather here is AMAZING! It just really sucks not being able to do anything with my fucked up knee. My biggest problem at the moment is my inability to sit still and aggravating my injury further with all the stupid shit that I keep on doing!

If people could see my face in this picture, there's a chance that I wouldn't even post it. It's times like these that I realize how vain I really am. I always like to pretend I don't care about the way I look and I am all about what's on the inside. But if I really am truly honest with myself, I am completely obsessed with my body and how it looks! I was born and raised in LA, it's practically impossible for me to be any other way, right? I have only been sitting on my ass for 2 weeks and I am already looking like a tubby lard ass next to my boyfriend with the hard body! I miss my abs, and my pecs and my arms. I miss wearing a tight t-shirt and seeing my muscles through the material. Most of all I miss the confidence that I have in myself when I am in top physical condition.

I really need to stop eating brownies and chocolate cakes right before I go to sleep...

Friday, January 18, 2008

Ping pong?

I was having a bad week dealing with the catty bitches I work with, so a couple of my friends thought I needed a game night! It was fun. Nothing like a good time with friends to get yourself out of a bad mood.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Not your typical gay

I have this job with a local GLBT organization. I have been working with them since I moved back to SD in September. It’s an easy going job where I teach a couple of computer classes, tutor some kids, and basically be there as a sympathetic ear for the kids that need to talk. I love this job because not only is it extremely rewarding, but it’s also a lot of fun.

However, recent events have forced me to take a serious look at my position with the organization and if this is something that I actually want to continue with. I have never been very popular with my fellow coworkers. They were always a bit catty for my taste, and when I am around them they seem to turn it up big time to make it obvious they don’t like me. It’s weird how I know I am an intelligent guy, yet amazingly they can reduce me to being a stupid jock and if I am around them long enough they almost have me convinced that it’s all I really am.

Straight acting. I hate that description! It implies that me, and guys like me, aren’t really ourselves. It manages to insult and diminish me as a gay man because I happen to not walk or talk with any effeminate urgency. Since when did playing sports and dressing like I do imply that I am ashamed of myself?

I thought that once I came out, the one place I wouldn’t get questioned over my lifestyle was at a gay center! The specifics are escaping me now, because I am so angry! I get it on this blog all the time also. Where people leave those stupid comments thinking they are clever by asking me if I am sure that I am actually gay. Like all of a sudden I am going to change my mind, and then run up to my mom and say, “APRIL FOOLS! I can’t believe you fell for that! How exciting is it that I don’t actually have to burn in hell anymore!?”

The only way I know how to be is exactly how I am. I love to hop into the ring and fight. I love to drink beer and watch the game with a bunch of my friends on the weekends. I love going to musicals with my friends and then buying the soundtracks and singing along to them in the car all the way home. I love surfing until I am so tired that even paddling back to the beach seems like an impossible task because I am so exhausted. And most importantly I love men and everything about them. From the way they smell, to the way they feel, to the way that they make me feel. Since when did being gay mean that I had to be more than that?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Injured List

It looks like there's going to be a lot of physical therapy in my future... It feels like I am always injured and it really sucks! You know that you are more than a little accident prone when there's an entire section of your house devoted to storing your wheelchair, crutches, assorted braces, slings, and ace bandages.

I am doing my best to look on the bright side of things. I guess this might be a blessing in disguise because I am taking some extremely complicated classes that are going to require all of my attention. Also if I weren't injured I would be spending a large portion of my free time heading north in my car all alone, or on a plane doing the same... And I can't forget about all the extra perks that come from being injured, like having a boyfriend to satisfy my every need, etc, etc...

Oh yeah! I almost forgot how there's nothing sexier than a rugged man with an injury! I know that I am already super sexy, but I am working on making dudes shoot their loads just by looking at them! ;-)

On a completely separate topic, you might notice there have been a few changes to my blog. It was recently brought to my attention that my blog looks all stupid when viewed with the internet explorer. So I decided to change the whole look, and go with something a little cleaner. Also I have disabled the comments.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

What's next

In that passed 4 months I have been to over 30 cities in 16 countries on 3 separate continents! On top of that I have my master’s program to deal with, not to mention my personal life. While I have been enjoying myself a lot, I would be lying if I said that it’s been a cake walk. When there’s so much to do, it’s always the smallest details that get neglected. Like forgetting to proof read a term paper, or not packing a jacket on a trip to NYC, or even forgetting to remind my boyfriend how much I’ve been missing him.

Still the strangest thing is I had no idea how taxing this all was until I finally had a moment to kick off my shoes and relax! I got my final grades back for the quarter and there were more B’s than I am used to seeing, and my reviews were less than sparkling. These were grades were definitely a wake up call because they forced me to deal with the fact that something has to give.

Lucky for me I am no longer supporting my mother and all my siblings, so I know exactly what I can do to free up some extra time. A small part of me is going to miss all those free trips to all the coolest places on the planet, but mostly I am already feeling this huge sense of relief. I am sick to death of always feeling like I am a god damn performing monkey! Sometimes I don’t want to smile and sometimes I don’t want to be nice to people, and sometimes I want to grab my boyfriend and make out with him in front of everybody and not care what anybody is thinks about it!

New Years Resolution #1: Take some time to enjoy life. Maybe take a yoga class or two, or maybe stay in on a Sunday and spend the entire day having the kind of sex people would pay big money to watch.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Heading home

I need to get home and return to some kind of normalcy before my whole body just gives out on me. Since I am already going home on crutches, I have decided that it probably wouldn't take much for me to end up in the hospital at this point. There's a small chance I may need surgery, so let's all keep our fingers crossed that I didn't tear a ligament or anything like that! I really just can't take all the temptation to just wrap my knee throw on a brace [and a mouthful of assorted anti-inflammatory and painkiller pills] and and go snowboarding anyway (which is what I have been doing for the last 2 days!) because of all that fresh powder. SO Bradley and I are going home a few days early. We have a lot of work to get done with him moving in and stuff... So maybe this whole injury thing might work out in my favor, because how much manual labor can an injured boy on crutches (such as myself) accomplish?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Snow Fun

Most of the lifts were closed because of the massive snow storm, so we found it necessary to make our own fun. Nothing like jumping over a couple of kegs to get the blood pumping! Since my friends and I weren't able to go out there and show off our mad skillz, we decided to turn all of our energies to consuming large quantities of alcohol and marijuana. So yeah... I guess that doesn't really differ from any other Saturday except for that whole snow thing.

It's like 2 in the morning and I am freezing cold, but I can't find the will power to get up and turn the thermostat up. Because however cold I am now, it's going to be a million times colder once I get away from these blankets [and bradley]. So instead I am going to sit here and bitch about it and hope that somebody else will sacrifice their own blankets and go turn the heat up! I AM SO COLD!!!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Me and the Boy

It's extremely difficult to fully explain the dynamic between Bradley and I without actually knowing us. Originally we were drawn together because athletically we relate to each other in a big way. Our goals and struggles as competitive athletes and our big ol' homo tendencies bonded us instantly, but as our relationship unfolded we realized there was so much more we had in common than our love for athletics.

It's hard for me to express my feelings because most of my life I have done my best to surpress them. Articulating these thoughts are damn near impossible, because until recently I could have sworn they didn't even exist! I never knew it was possible to find a person that could understand me so thoroughly despite the fact that they didn't grow up with me. Eddie and I had this amazing bond and understanding of each other because we had known each other since before our balls dropped. Finding something similar in a person I haven't even known a year seemed pretty much impossible. Yet here I am...

I really am in love and I am more than a little scared. Not because I am worried Bradley won't feel the same. I know he does. It's just this fucking timing! As always in life, it really sucks, and I feel like there's this huge cloud of doom looming over my head. I have some serious thinking to do and some big decisions to make and I am not looking forward to any of it. If anybody out there has discovered a way to have their cake and eat it too. Please share the wealth! I am dying over here.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Truth or Dare?

I hate how even when I make a conscious effort to keep my clothes on at parties, somehow they always end up in a pile somewhere on the floor! It's like this HUGE conspiracy that everybody I know is in on. I am convinced that everybody I have ever met, joins in on this conspiracy to get me disrobed in front of large groups of people, because it really does happen a lot!

As most of you know, I am in Mammoth having a good time with some friends. Basically its been 5 days of snowboarding and drinking games which culminated in last night's rousing game of truth or dare. As you can clearly see in the picture, I ended up dripping wet in a speedo. What the picture doesn't tell you is that it was 30 F outside (for those of you that don't speak American, that's -1 C!!) and I was so cold that my testicles ascended into my stomach and my penis shriveled up into a second bellybutton!

I rang in the new year wiggling into Bradley's hoodie (with bradley still in it!) to keep warm. We just spooned on the couch enjoying a nice buzz, and each other's company. The rest night was extremely mellow and I loved it! I have had some crazy parties on new years, but the best ones are always the ones like this. Where things are so calm that you can take in everything around you and know you will remember it forever.