Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A pornstar dropped off their son 2day!

Soooo... I was sitting there minding my own business when one of my camper's Brady walks up to me. He's a very happy (and extremely gay) kid. This dude is awesome! He's in my GIF seminar everyday that I teach in the afternoon, and he's always ready to learn. He's the cutest little ball of energy that I have ever met. ANYWAY! I am sitting there just waiting for kids to show up and greet the parents when this really tall and muscular man walks up to me. He introduced himself as Adam Glasser, and I kind of stared at him like I had seen him before, but I wasn't sure who he was...

I was in a hurry though, so I didn't really think about it, and all of the kids that had showed up along with Brady were escorted to the labs. The next day, I saw "Adam" again and I knew that I had seen him before, I just couldn't place where! Then it came to me, He was Seymore Butts! I almost shouted that out loud in front of all of the kids and parents! It was soooo weird! ANyway, that is all that I have to say. I am pretty tired, and I need some sleep big time. I just thought that I would share that little piece of info with you guys. Yeah I know that watching straight porn is just gross, but its an old habit and I haven't done it in years, so please forgive me. Plus this dude has a beautiful penis....

Monday, June 26, 2006

I feel good!

The last few days have been quite exceptional for me. I have some how managed to find myself, and in the process become a person that is much better than the person that I was. I am very ashamed to say this, but for a long time I was ashamed of being gay. I wasn't ashamed because of all the normal reasons, like family pressure or religion (though those things played small role in it) I was ashamed because I felt like being gay made me less of a man. I base my self worth on the content of my character and my ability to be the guy that everybody can count on. But for some reason I felt like admitting that I was gay, was me saying that I wasn't strong enough to be these things to the people in my life. As irrational and ridiculous as it sounds, for a very long time I felt like being gay meant that I had less to offer the world.

While I love to surf. I do feel like I love working with kids even more. I have always wanted to be a camp director ever since the first time that I began working at summer camps 4 years ago! The instant that I connected with that first kid, and I made him feel like he was the coolest guy on the planet, I knew that this was what I wanted to do. I am not bragging, but people love me. There is just something about my personality that has always made me the life of the party, but in a non threatening. I have always found a way to walk the line of being a nerd and a cool kid, and I have always been able to stay original in a world obsessed with everybody being the same. However, I felt like being gay meant that I was going to have to give up this life because of how uncomfortable a lot of people are with gay guys working with teens. Plus I felt like being gay would effect my ability to be a positive role model and somebody that the kids could look up to (Its pretty silly isn't it?).

I wrote an email to Dan over at Dan in OKCITY , and I told him about this little problem that I was having with being gay, and a guy that works with teens. Its a weird situation, because even though I could never be attracted to younger guys, I would always be suspected of it because I am gay! I am not even attracted to guys my own age! Eddie is almost 3 years older than me, and so are most of my friends. This is due to the fact that I skipped a grade and I started school a year early. But now I am getting a little off the point. My point is that I was scared that I would have to give up something that I loved more than my surfboard because my sexuality was holding me back, YET AGAIN!

So finally, after a few days of waiting for Dan to get back to me, Dan and I began to correspond. I told him about the fact that I was scared of my situation and what people might think of me, and I asked him how he felt on the matter (because he works with kids also). All that I can say is that he was very passionate about his response. It definitely was something that I read more than once because I could related to a lot of what he was saying, and because I could tell that he really cared about his job as much as I do. Everytime that I got towards the end of the email, I started to cry. It was just so telling of the way that I felt and the way that I should feel. It took me a very long time to let his message sink in. But I finally got it. It doesn't matter if I desire men or women, what matters is the type of person that I am for the kids that I work for. I am a positive role model and a good friend to every one of my campers. It is my job to make sure that they all leave camp feeling better about themselves than they did when they showed up at camp, and I ALWAYS do that! This is what I was meant to do, and I should be proud that I am so good at doing it!

So during my final training week, I was still feeling a bit down on myself. I had read what Dan had written to me, and I knew that what he was saying was true, but I still wasn't ready to accept it for myself. I still felt like I could never be a proper role model to anybody now that I was a gay guy with a serious boyfriend (like somehow repressing the whole thing made me a better person!). Then the kids showed up on Saturday afternoon, and it was no longer about me. It was about all of these kids that had come to camp to have a good time, and I was here to show it to them! It's a lot easier for me to be happy for somebody else, than it is for me to be happy for myself. So I was instantly able to put a smile on my face and I spent the entire afternoon meeting and getting to know all of my campers. We played games, and ate food and then before lights out on the first night, I told one of my awesome campfire stories.

During our staff meeting, everybody could not stop talking about how I took charge and got all 50 kids to listen to me and have fun at the same time. I don't understand this at all, because they hired me to do a specific job, and now they are shocked that I am actually doing it!? But it was nice, because I am finally getting used to people giving me compliments and excepting them for what they are. On the second day (Sunday) I basically did pretty much of the same, only this time I was able to find the kids that needed the extra attention. Like that kid that can never manage to sit still, or the kid that non of the others seem to like, and by the end of the day they were in the middle of the group joking around and having fun with all of the other kids. Only in summer camp can friendships like these be formed!

Again, during the staff meeting, it was all about me and how awesome everybody thought that I was doing my job. By the end of the meeting they were changing my title and giving me a raise! It just that doing this job never actually feels like work. I am this kind of guy at heart. I have never actually taken a job as a summer camp counselor and expected to make a lot of money, but now I see myself making a living this way. And so do all of the higher ups at my camp.

This post is turning into an epic, so I am going to end it now. I would just like to thank everybody for sticking with me through all of these depressing posts. I haven't been the most exciting guy to read lately, but you guys still keep coming back and sending me very nice comments and emails. I wouldn't have the courage or the strength to be as happy as I am right now if it weren't for this blog and the people that read it. Thank you!

O yeah! That's me walking with a camper @ UCLA over by the student union.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I rock!

I just impressed the hell out of all of my supervisors! I am sooo far beyond awesome that they offerred me a raise and a higher position right after openning ceremonies! If it weren't for you guys out there in cyberland I wouldn't be feeling as good as I am. I just wanted to say thank you, and when I have time to write a better post i am going to get right on that! later gators!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Tired & Stressed

I am very tired and stressed out right now. I miss having this time to vent about my day! I am sure that once I get into some kind of daily routine, I am going to be able to have more free time. Because the way that its going now, I would rather quit than imagine the whole summer being like this!

This whole day was spent thinking about a way to get away from the people at camp! After three people turned me down, I finally found somebody that was willing to hang out with me. we ate and drank and were merry. It was good times. Then I had to return back to reality when I headed into UCLA. There were so many things to deal with right when I walked into the door!! From logistics issues, to people already not getting along, I just needed to get away again.

The way that I am acting right now is not the normal me. I am still pretty raw (emotionally) and I am having issues dealing with people in a proper way to get myself heard. I really need to get out of this wierd depression soon because I will be eaten alive if I can't get ontop of these little issues right now in the beginning before the kids show up!
I think that the word "depression" isn't the right word. I am not so much depressed as I am paranoid. I feel like everybody can tell that I had just made out with a guy, and that they all stare and point when I am not looking. I feel like I give away my sexuality in the way that I interact with people and the way that I talk with girls. I am just ultra aware of all of these things and I am very conflicted on how to feel about them.

I am falling asleep at mu keyboard. I need to go pass out now. I am sorry if this was a nonsensical blog, I am pretty beat at the moment. This is a painting that I made of this dude in Santa Cruz. He grew up in Beverly Hills, and his parents are very wealthy. But he likes to pretend that he is poor! Everybody knows that he is rich, and everybody talks about him behind his back, including me! Because I think that its silly how he lives his life! I kind of feel like this is how other gay people see me. With my one foot in the door and one foot out. I used to look at this guy with disdain, but now I can kind of understand where he is coming from.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Camp in the A.M.

This week I have been going through a huge funk. My confidence has been in the toilet and I just haven't been able to find my stride. But thanks to you guys, I have been able to get back a little of the old me! I guess that this whole process of "coming out" was a lot more stressful than I originally thought that it would be. My life has litterally been turned upside down, but I am finally able to recognize these changes for what they are and accept them.

So today, at 8am, is the first time that the entire staff of my UCLA camp are finally going to come together and meet each other. Up until this point, all of the departments have been compartmentalized and have had no interactions, on the non-management level. So the Department heads (like me) get to do this 2 minute meet and greet where we introduce our staff and we talk about what we do. The example that we show has to be something that is above and beyond what we are teaching the kids how to do. I went through many different ideas (GIF's, flash movies, stop animation) before I decided on this single image. Not only is this one of the most complicated graphics that I have ever made, but it looks really good on a 1o foot screen!

So what do U guys think about the bird?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Freaking out on roids!

I just came back from the doctor's office because I have been freaking out over the side effects that I have been having from the medication that I am on. Around 2 and a half weeks ago I brought up the fact that I wanted to start seeing a physical therapist to my doctor, and he suggested that I start taking this steroid medication to help control back spasms or something like that... I don't really remember the specifics, but I have decided that I am way to trusting towards medical officials and I am going to start paying attention from now on!

The first dose was given through a shot in my ass! But the rest of the medication that I take on a daily basis, is taken orally. Anyway, at first I didn't mind the side effects because I thought that they were kind of cool! I used to only have to shave once a week, but now I am shaving every 3 days! In addition to that, I have noticed that doing every day things, like walking or carrying my surfboard have become easier.

I first started noticing the negative effects on Saturday. I woke up to put my suit of for the graduation that I was going to, and it didn't fit! The chest and shoulder area was way to tight, and I couldn't get my pants to fit at all! I was horrified because there was very little in my room that actually fit me! I ended up having to wear my little brother's clothes to the graduation (I know that sounds strange, but he is my half brother. He is 11 years old and he is only 3 inches shorter than I am, and he out weighs me by 30 lbs!!) and I felt ridiculous. But I was also freaking out because I felt like a fat cow! A BIG FAT COW!! So I call the doctor on Monday in a complete panic telling him that I think that I must be allergic to whatever he has me on, because I look llike I have just been stung by 100 bees! Yes I know that was a tad bit dramatic, but I was freaking out! I am sorry.

I arrived at the doctor's office a half hour before my appointment and I sat there anxiously as I listened to music on my iPod. But then I started getting worried that if I was listening to my iPod I wouldn't hear the nurse call my name. Then I would miss my appointment and never find out what is wrong with me and I would have to go through the rest of my life with my own gravitational pull! So I turned off my iPod and just sat there strumming the arms on my chair with my fingers until the nurse finally called my name.

I am going to first start by telling you guys the bad news, and then I am going to move onto the good news. I like hearing bad news first, because I can know that I can look forward to good news!

The bad news is that within the last month, I have gained over 15 lbs! As the nurse was taking me back to see the doctor, I was weighed, and the scale read 161!! I have never weighed 161 lbs in my life! I am not a very tall guy, and that's a lot of weight for a guy like me! The doctor was waiting for me inside of the room and he started talking right when he saw me. He told me that I sounded very upset over the phone, and this appointment wasn't to change anything about my medication, but to give me information about what was going on with my body and reassure me that everything was okay. This made me sad, but I let him go on because I wanted to understand what was happening with me!

The good news is that I am not going to get any bigger. The medication has already bloated me to capacity, so I don't have to worry about turning into the blob. He pulled out his handy dandy "Body Mass Index" chart, and he pointed out that I am still not over weight, and I shouldn't be upset about this. He also told me that once I cycle through the medication, the excess weight will just drop off like magic.

Of course I am insane, so I keep on studying the chart after the doctor is done showing me that I am at a good weight. The first thing that I noticed was that 165 is considered over weight! Even worse that that is 180 is considered obese!! I am 4 lbs away from being over weight and 19 lbs away from being OBESE!! That is freaking me out!

Of course all of my friends are trying to tell me that there is no difference in my physical appearance and that if I would not have pointed it out, they would have never noticed! One of my friends actually just thought that I was finally starting to bulk up. I find many flaws in this logic, but the most important thing is that I haven't lifted weights in the gym EVER in my entire life! I will surf, jog, swim, and play sports, but I REFUSE to lift weights. I hate lifting weights as much as I hate sporks (more of that on a later post.)! My second problem with this statement, is that I have gained absolutely no muscle mass! In fact, I think that I have lost quite a bit of it! There is no way that it looks like I have been hitting the gym.

So basically I have 3 more weeks of being Fatty McFatterson, and then I will be back to normal. I would like all of you guys to meet Fatty McFatterson. I know that I don't actually look over weight, but I definitely feel it right about now. I actually feel exactly how this guy looks. I know. I know! I am absolutely the most VAIN person on the planet, but its really bothering me!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The devil is in the details...

I am going to try and cover a couple of different topics right now. The first thing that I want to deal with was my day with Kim. It went pretty good. I picked her up and we went for breakfast at, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. There I told her why I was upset with her yesterday. I explained to her how what she said was offensive to me, and I did my best to not sound like a condescending prick as I told her this. She was disappointed in herself and very embarrassed that she could offend somebody and not even realize why. She was actually so embarrassed that she didn't even want to go anywhere with me because she didn't feel like she deserved to have a fun day out with me. I told her not to give it a second thought, and we had a really fun afternoon!

I have been thinking a lot about the emails that I have been receiving lately. A lot of people seem to think that I live a life as a completely open gay man. But that could not be further from the truth. Two months ago, nobody knew that I was gay except my summer camp fling from Sea World. Only after starting this blog have I been able to start to SLOWLY tell people about the real me. Granted, after I told Tyler, things really started to snowball for me. A few days later I found Eddie, and a few weeks later I told my aunts that I was gay. But I still have a long way to go before I can consider myself, "out of the closet". Neither of my parents know, and most of my closest and oldest friends have no idea.

I think that for now, I have plateaued. I have no plans on coming out to people for my professional career or my private life. I have been through a lot of changes in a very short period of time, and now I need a little while to absorb all of the things that I have dealt with as of late. Summer camp is an extremely stressful time. No matter how good you are at dealing with others, or communicating with children, things are going to stress you out! You are literally, ON, 24/7. Being one way for such a long period of time wears on your nerves, and by the end of the summer, EVERYBODY is a nervous wreck.

I think that I am at a good place in my life anyway, and I deserve a little rest. I have a boyfriend that I am completely infatuated with. A best friend who would take a bullet from me. And 5 aunts that finally know the real me, and have never loved me more.

I hope that reading this doesn't disappoint any of you. I am not trying to be a coward. I am trying to be happy. I am very new at being gay, and I am pretty sure that I am making a mess of things, but I am trying my hardest.

This is my old avatar. I didn't like the way that it looked when it was small. You couldn't tell what it was. Obviously its just a quick sketch, and my devil has no feet! But I got lazy and decided that I didn't need to draw any! DEAL WITH IT! haha! If you look closely you can see all of the things that I am not good at in this picture are missing. He has no face, and no feet! He is also wearing a hat, because I hate drawing guy hair! WOW! I have never told anybody about my lack of hair drawing skills! I feel very vulnerable right now...

A night surf.

I just got back from surfing at Ocean Trails. At night, this has to be one of the most hazardous things that a person can do. But the waves were kick ass and I had serious cabin fever, so I decided that it was worth a broken neck, and I let my friends peer pressure me into going! What makes this place so dangerous is that there are many hurdles that you must get over before you even reach the beach. First there is a private golf course that you have to traverse. Then you have to climb down the side of a pretty steep cliff. Then you have to walk about 1/2 mile to the point of the peninsula where the waves are completely free from breaking against land. Once you get to the surf spot, there are two things that make the actual surfing experience pretty deadly. The first thing is the fact that there are absolutely no lights around what so ever! You are in the middle of nowhere and all that you have to see are the stars in the sky, and the glowsticks that we wear around our necks. The second danger is the rocks. They are everywhere! And depending on the tide, there are very dangerous spots to surf in that you would not even know about unless you are a local.

We left at 8, and we surfed until 10. Then after we were completely wiped out and our glowsticks stopped being so glowie, we built a bonfire and passed around the old bong. When I smoke I get very pensive and reticent. I started thinking about Kim and the way that I totally blew her off after she put her foot in her mouth, and I felt bad. She didn't deserve to be treated that way because she wasn't trying to be mean to me. Everybody puts their foot in their mouths at some point, and they deserve a second chance after doing so. I picked up my cell phone and I gave her a call. I told her that tomorrow I had freed up some time and I would love to take her around the city and show her where all the cool kids hang. She seemed to love the idea, and told me that she couldn't wait for tomorrow. I really suck at holding a grudge! I just feel like it takes way to much energy to be angry at someone.

The walk back was pretty funny. We were all falling over each other and having a pretty good time. It was a perfect moment for me, because we were all just hanging out like we used to. I miss doing this. At some point I put up this wall around myself because I knew that I was gay and that most of these friendships would be dead ends once they found out. But at moments like these I feel like I am ontop of the world, because we are all just buddies acting silly and having fun. I wish that my sexuality wasn't such an issue.

I discovered this picture a few weeks ago. When I saw it I could not stop laughing! I felt awful for laughing at this poor boy's plight, but its so funny! I immediately printed the picture and proceeded to show everybody that I knew this picture. Everybody laughed at it just as much as I had. Then I showed Eddie. Eddie laughed, and then he pointed out how much this kid looked like me at that age! And now he ruined it! He magically put the word out that it was me, because right after he pointed it out, all of my other friends started to bring it up! Now I don't like this picture anymore. Because he really does look exactly like me at that age!

Monday, June 19, 2006

My first staff pick up of the summer.

As assistant camp director, one of my responsibilities is to be the local contact for people that are flying into LA and take them to their hotel and make sure that they have everything they need until camp starts on Thursday. Today I picked up Kim. She is a 24 yr old that is just about to receive her master's degree in electrical engineering from somewhere in Kentucky. Well she seemed nice enough. I mean I can't stand her accent and she wouldn't shut up, but I guess that the kids will get a kick out of her. Then she did something that really pissed me off!

I have 3 major pet peeves. The first one is when people make up words and swear that they are real (like conversate, fictitional, janky, etc.). The second one is when people refer to Asians as "Orientals" (In HS I used to get so mad that when people used the word, they were crying within minutes or apologizing profusely for being so ignorant! I mean seriously, am I a rug!? Do you really think that I am going to let you walk all over me!? Am I a soup? Would you like me to bend over so you can eat me!? ARGH!!) The third and final thing is when people ask what your "nationality" is, but what they really mean to ask is, what your "ethnicity" is!

So anyway, in a 30 second time period she hit all three of my pet peeves all at once! Basically it went a lot like this.

Kim: O my gawd! Los Angeleeez is so amazin'. It is hard to think of this city as a real place until you actually get here! I swear that in my head this place was completely fictitional until I saw it with my own two eyes!

Me: Yeah, this place is pretty great isn't it?

Kim: Yes I love it! And you are the cutest Oriental that I have ever seen! What's your Nationality!?

Me: We like to be referred to as Asian. And I am an American.

Kim: You are not American! You don't look American at all! Stop kiddin' around. What's your nationality!?

Me: Well My grandparents were born in America. My parents were born in America, and I was born in America. I am pretty sure that I am American.

Kim: Well you just don't look very American. Aren't Americans white?

[2 minutes of awkward silence]

Me: Hey look! There's your hotel! I'll see you Thursday! Later!

All that I wanted was an "eject" button for my passenger seat that would send her flying into oncoming traffic! That bitch totally pissed me off. The worst part is that I had to stay professional and not chew her out for being an ignorant lout. I know that I could have cleared up the issue pretty easily but I am sick and tired of trying to educate the world. Plus that accent grates on my nerves in ways that I can not explain. People like her are why everybody else on the planet think that Americans are so ignorant.

I basically think that this is a cultural problem. Jesus vs. Buddha. Not really Jesus and Buddha in a battle royale, but in an abstract way. The idea of Christian superiority and social Darwinism is very much alive in parts of society where they don't really get to see what else is out there. The thoughts being, "I am a Christian with Christian values, so all other viewpoints and beliefs are completely irrelevant. If they had anything of value to offer us, then they would be the most powerful nation in the world."

Its also the fault of my Asian culture also. Asians in general are all to willing to accept whatever is put in front of them with little resistance. To quote Siddhartha, "A foolish man tries to change the world. But a wise man lets the world change him.". And that is our problem! As Asians everything is just happening to us and we seldom get up and make things happen for us!

I gave the cock juggling thunder cunt (kim) my number in case of an emergency, but I also added that I was going to be very busy over the next few days. So she had to make sure that whatever she needed was important. Then I peeled out of there, and I hope to not see her again until camp starts. FUCKING PSYCHO! Okay I am over it. Thanks for reading, I feel much better now.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

My weekend

It was a bitter-sweet weekend. I had a lot of fun, but there were a few things that sort of irked me. I guess that it all started at the first graduation party that I went to on Friday. It was for my friend Corey. He Was a year a head of me in high school, but we were pretty good friends because we played the same sports in HS (Varsity Surf and Golf). When he went off to UCLA, I went to a bunch of college parties and it is where I met Jake, the first guy that I ever kissed. However, the more I accept the fact that I am gay, the more I realize that Corey and I can not be friends. He is the most intense homophobe on the planet! Talking about gay people makes him so uncomfortable that he gets all fidgety and leaves the room. He just can not accept that there is a valid reason for people to be gay, and there is no changing his mind. I know that he values my friendship, and if I were to tell him that I am gay, it would cause him to seriously reevaluate his views on the matter.

But I am also pretty sure that he might want to fight me to prove his manliness because I have seen him naked a lot. That a very big fear of his, that a gay guy will see him naked. I mean it wasn't like I was checking him out or anything, its just that guys that surf together occasionally see each other naked. There is no avoiding it. Either you forgot to bring towels, or the moldy one in the trunk that you keep for emergencies just smells to bad to use, so we all just drop trow and change into our wetsuit! And everybody knows that you have to go commando in your wetsuit. Its not a big deal between friends, unless one of them is gay.

Anyway there were girls and beers and I kept on getting hit on and I did the unthinkable! I made out with one of them! It was pleasant enough, but I felt completely wretched! In my head I was thinking WTF are you doing!? SO when she reached for my penis I told her that I was seeing somebody and I was sorry but I should not have even let things get this far! It was weird how much kissing a girl could make me want to kill myself. But in the girl's defense I think it had a lot less to do with the fact that she was a chick, and more to do with the fact that I had just did something that compromised my integrity just to fit in!

I got up and I left the apartment because I needed to clear my head. I guess that Tyler saw me leave, because before I knew it he was running up behind me. He said that he saw me kiss that girl and he was pretty shocked, but he understood why I did it, and he thought that I was being to hard on myself for doing it. Well of course I was being to hard on myself! That is what I do! But that did not change the fact that I felt like crap for doing it. I told Tyler that I was taking off because I needed to go home and get myself together before the graduation ceremony in the morning.

Saturday was pretty much like Friday. The ceremony was a yawn, and then the after party was as crazy as anything else that was hosted by Corey. There were beer, bongs and bitches. I guess that it was fun for a little while, but the whole party made me feel very uncomfortable. I grew out of the whole drink until I pass out stage when I was in the 10th grade, and this was just to much of the same old shit. I think that the thing that finally made me leave the party was when an old girlfriend from HS tried to hit on me.

I left the party and I went straight over to Eddie's house. I just needed to be GAY for awhile. I walked in and I kissed him. I think that we just stood there kissing for a very long time, and then we went to the bedroom. It was the best sex that we have ever had! I just felt this really big urge to prove my gayness as much as humanly possible. There were a few seconds between leaving the party and getting to Eddie's where I almost thought that making out with a girl might not be so bad... Ewww! hahaha

I woke up this morning thinking that I would hit the beach and spend my whole day surfing at El Porto. But I had 4 voicemails that seemed to say something different. The aunts had been calling all morning because they wanted to grab some breakfast. I thought that it would be a great time for them to meet Eddie! So I woke him up, and he was looking so freakin cute that we went for a quickie that ended up taking 45 minutes.

My aunts were all over Eddie! They wanted to know everything about him. They kept on asking him all sorts of highly inappropriate questions following them up with even more probing and inappropriate questions! At one point my aunt Nang asked which one of us was the top and which one was the bottom! My aunts have absolutely no tact or shame what so ever! FUCKING LESBIANS! We had a good time even though my aunts were raunchy and loud. It felt so good to enjoy a meal with my boyfriend and have no pretense at the table what so ever. I could tell that Eddie was really enjoying the openness also. Neither of us ever really get to be in a situation like this, and its just a whole different world than the one that we actually live in.

After we were done with the meal, my aunts invited us to go with them to my grandmother's house but I wasn't ready to attack that monster yet. So I told them as much, the Eddie and I took off. It was such a nice morning. I wish that I could use a stronger word than, "nice", but it really fits what our morning was. As Eddie was driving us back home I looked at him and I realized that I am madly in love with this guy! And when he looked over at me I knew that he was just as in love with me. It was like he knew what I was thinking because he reached over and kissed me on the cheek and then he told me so! Just like that, he said, "I love you.". And then everything was right in the world. I know that we have only been with each other for 3 weeks (to the day) but we have known each other since before puberty. Plus these past 3 weeks have been very intense for both of us.

We spent the rest of the day spooning and watching movies. It was nice, but I still felt the urge to catch some waves. So I grabbed my board and on my way out, Eddie decided to join me. Well when we arrived at the beach, I got my clothes off, but I didn't quite get into my wetsuit... We were on a private beach and we weren't worried about anybody seeing us since Eddie's dad owns the beach. I am sad though because I didn't get to surf today! I broke a tradition, but for some reason its not really making me feel that bad... Anyway, this is a picture of our clothes, because this is something that I want to remember forever. I love Eddie.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Father's Day this weekend.

Today I wanted to talk a little bit about my father. Father's day is this weekend, and I am planning on avoiding mine like the plague. My father and I have a very odd relationship with each other. Everybody that has known my father always draw similarities between the two of us. We speak with a similar vernacular, we dress the same, we are into the same sports, we like the same music, and we both have similar personalities. However we have never been able to have a conversation that wasn't filled with awkward silence or the threat of violence.

People don't actually compare me to the man that my father is today, because nobody really knows my father now. They just remember him from when he was my age, and they see in me what they saw in him. As I have stated before, my parents had me when they were 15. My dad was forced to grow up really fast, and he excelled at being the type of man that was both a provider and a nurturer. Even though my family was rich enough to support my father and mother while they went through school, my dad insisted on working to support his son and wife.

When my dad was 19, my aunt tried to commit suicide because she could not cope with being a lesbian. My father stayed with her in the hospital for 3 days while she recovered. He talked with her and cried with her until she knew that she would be loved no matter what. There are many other instances where my dad did the same thing for many other people, because my father has a huge heart and he cares about everybody. Well that is until he didn't care.

When my parents graduated from UCLA at 21, they were both ready to start their lives as adults. Their lives changed drastically and they were not able to adapt to these changes as a couple and they divorced. My father was devastated. He stopped eating and it got to the point where he had to be checked into a hospital and force fed. Eventually he recovered, but he hasn't been the same since. He became very bitter by the way his life had changed and all the things that he had to give up because of these changes.

My father was very into "alternative sports" (surfing and skate boarding) growing up. As a teenager he competed against some of the biggest names in these sports today, and won. But when I was born he had to give up the dream of pursuing a life in these sports because he now had a son and a wife to take care of. When my mom left, it gave him time to relive all of these missed opportunities and the more he thought about these things, the more he changed. It is extremely frustrating to have all of this talent and not be able to show people what you are capable of! I know this feeling more than my father will ever know.

For the whole time that I lived with my father, we fought constantly about everything! I resented the fact that he had married a woman that beat me on a regular basis and he refused to believe it. Despite the photos at the police station and the way I curled up in fear every time she came near me. My whole life, whenever he has had to make a decision between the two of us, he has always chosen her. And because of that I have never given him any of my respect or even my obedience.

My father was very patient with me during my early rebellious years. He didn't start to resent me until the day that he realized that I was an amazing surfer. At first he tried his best to hide his resentment, but after awhile it became to difficult. By the time I was 14 we would have these shouting matches that would usually end with somebody's fist going through a wall. We could never just have a normal conversation. Something would always be said where one of us would get hurt, and then it just became another shouting match.

One day while my father was getting really drunk with a couple of his work buddies, we had one of the very few conversations in our lives where there was no yelling. HE told me that he hated how he treated me, but he sees in me all of the things that he could have been. While a better man would have been happy for his son, he just didn't have it in him to not be jealous of the fact that I still had a chance to follow my dreams. The thing that resonated with me the most was when he told me that he hated path that he had chosen in life, but he has gone to far to turn around. This is one of the reasons that I am trying my hardest to be a proud gay man. I don't want to live a lie so long that coming out would be showing the world that I am a dishonest and deceptive person.

From that point on things really began to escalate. It got so bad that I moved out of his house my senior year, and I moved in with my best friend Tyler. My dad didn't go to my graduation, and we didn't talk for almost an entire year. He wasn't mature enough to be a father, and I wasn't mature enough to be the kind of son that he needed. I feel like its to late for us to have a good relationship with each other because there is so much negativity between the two of us. No matter what happens I will always know that my father loves me. But I also know that no matter what happens my father will never like me.

This was a self portrait that I made of myself for a class project in HS that semester that I left my home. I was so emo!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

An Asian man can blush too.

Last night I was sitting on a couch watching Eddie paint. I love watching this guy create. It is so easy to get hypnotized observing his process. In a couple of hours we are flying to Vegas for the day. There is this new hotel that is going to be built on the strip and Eddie might get commissioned to do the art for the hotel. Eddie is indifferent about the whole deal because he feels that accepting the offer would make him a sell out. Artists are freakin ridiculous! Money is money, and if you earn it now you have more time to do whatever you want later!

While Eddie was working, I picked up my laptop so I could make reservations for a car to pick us up at the airport, and look for a hotel to stay the night in. That is when I noticed that I had a couple of emails from my blog. They were both about how I was featured on, Debriefing the Boys. At first I was completely mortified that I was mentioned on Matt's blog, because people actually read his blog! Then I realized that wasn't it, because I already have readers. It was because he actually took the time to make an entire post about me, and how much he enjoyed my blog. Last night I was embarrassed to take a look at what he wrote, so I looked this morning. He really knows how to make a boy feel special.

This is a picture of myself and my CIT. He had a lot of energy, and we were crazy whenever we were together! The kids always got a kick out of us. I often wondered what it would feel like to be flipped like this, and now I know, because Matt totally just flipped me! Eddie and I are headed for the airport now, and I am feeling good. I just have this awful feeling that I am going to need to start proof reading my posts before I publish them now that Matt has made me famous, and I am way to lazy to do that!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Summer camp mode!

UCLA ends its quarter on friday, and I start my camp on monday. So right now I am in camp mode hard core! I have my games and my lesson plans all ready to go. And I am getting all psyched up its going to be a fun summer!

I was hired towork for this camp for many reasons. The first reason being that I am an awesome graphic artist, but that is almost going to be secondary to the biggest job that I have been given this summer. The camp that I have chosen to work for wants to become more competitive with other summer camps that are more geared towards outdoor fun. However that is a very difficult thing to do when you have a staff of computer nerds. No offense to the techies that read my blog, but I was a computer science major and anybody who can pass abstract algebra has to be somewhat unbalanced! For the record, I got a B in that class, but anything that isn't an A isn't worth having on my report card, so I dropped the class. Not the point! My point! In addition to teaching the advanced graphics and animation classes, I am going to have to be the life of the camp! I am going to be the guy with all of the camp songs and silly skits. The loud obnoxious guy that screams at the top of his long and is a complete ass 24/7. The guy that all of the HS kids pretend to hate, but secretly wish they could be, and the guy that all of the little kids want to hover around at every waking moment.

The picture that I posted above is probably the reason why I got hired at the largest branch of this summer camp corporation. This is my staff photo from that summer camp on the island. This was the most fun that I have ever had in my entire life! The sheer amount of insane hijinks that went on that summer would be enough plot lines for atleast 3 National Lampoons movies! The thing was that we were working on Catalina island for 3 months, with no television, radios, or functioning cell phones! So the entire summer was all about drunken campfires and sex with everybody! I am kind of sad, because I have met my staff, and I have met the people from the other departments, and there is no way that we are going to have this much fun. I think that half of the people that I am working with would die of embarrassment and culture shock if they were put into a REAL summer camp situation. ANYWAY, I am somewhere in the middle of this picture and I have a hat on. It's like, "Where's Waldo"!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Back to basics.

I got really tired of just sitting on my ass waiting for my back to stop hurting, so I decided to get pro-active. My general doctor wasn't being very helpful, so I went to a physical therapist. She was a very nice and extremely pretty lady. After looking over my x-rays and asking me about my expectations, we worked out a plan for recovery and I am extremely psyched! We worked out for about an hour and a half today, and afterwards I didn't even have to take my regularly scheduled pain killers until about a half hour ago. It was awesome. I am doing great and I have a good feeling about this.

Its an interesting little work out regiment that she has me on. First I play in the pool for a half hour. Then she works me through these really odd stretches and positions for a half hour, and then more water sports! Its the rompin' stompin' livin' end! At first I felt ridiculous walking back and forth in this 5 foot pool of water. I wasn't swimming or jumping, I was just walking around and doing these odd leg exercises. I felt like a freakin senior citizen at the Y doing my "golden years" work out. After I was actually able to move around without this crippling pain down the right side of my body, I stopped caring! It was like magic water. The same happened with the stretching an odd positioning. I felt ridiculous, but then there was no more pain! I LOVE physical therapy!

I told Melinda, that was the physical therapist's name, that I was supposed to be in this really big surfing tournament in a little over a month. My goal is to be 100% in a few weeks so I can start strength training and surfing to win my tournament! My muscles have gone to hell ever since I stopped doing all forms of exercise! I have a long way to go before I can put on a decent performance on my surfboard.

All of the people that have commented on my last post and sent me emails on it have really made me see things clearly. I do not think that I am an activist that is going to go change the world, nor do I ever want to be that person. But I am a human being that deserves the right to be happy. I am going to live my life on my terms and I am not going to try and hide who I am. If that means that maybe I get outed one day, then whatever! By that time I am probably going to be okay with it.

I sat down with my aunts today for lunch. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I had lived with them for many years while my parents finished school, and they are lesbians. It was really nice. I wanted to tell them that I am gay, but I couldn't find the words. I think that I am always going to hate saying the actual words, "I'm gay.". It seems so unnecessary. SO basically I told them that I have been acting all crazy for the last few weeks and I am sorry about that. But I am pretty sure that if you think about it hard enough, you will figure out why. I'm not going to lie, only half of them got it. The other half had to be told. Then afterwards there were hugs and a few tears. No questions, because we are all family and we all have the same personality when it comes to questions about things like that, we'd just rather not. Then we went for brownies at my favorite bakery, "Jills Delicous Delights" or something like that... Anyway I had a fudge brownie topped with an inch thick layer of cookie dough! YUM!!! I already want another one! Even though I am still kind of dizzy from all the sugar of my previous brownie.

This is one of the very first things that I ever made in photoshop. I think that I did this on 7.0!!! Can you believe how things have changed since then!? Haha nevermind. This photo has sentimental value. There was nothing especially fancy going on with it. VERY BASIC! Just like everything else in my life at this point. I look at it now and its almost laughable at how lame it is! Its kind of like looking at a picture that you drew when you were 7. But I was so proud of it at the time. I am just hoping that maybe in 4 years I can look back at my life and totally just laugh at where I was. And be amazed with how far I have come.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Okay I am sober right now and I am sitting in class with a mild burning in my back that shoots down to a sharp pain straight down my right leg. Nobody really needs my help because I was quite thorough with what was expected of them and I even wrote down a cheat sheet with all of my favorite shortcuts and commands for each of them. So I am pretty bored at the moment.

However those things are now what is stressing me out right now. I was rereading my post and my comments and I am extremely worried now. When did I become such a public figure that random people on the streets could recognize me!? Was this an isolated situation or have people noticed me before and not said anything!? What does that mean for me and the way that I act in public with guys like Eddie!? These are not problems that I thought that I was going deal with this early in my life. Its that stupid article in this magazine last month! This is why they noticed me and knew who I was!

I can't handle this and I am really freaking out about this whole situation! I am seriously thinking about becoming a recluse. I could live in my parents guest house for the rest of my life and never leave it! Oh man I am not okay with being in the public eye at all! I was just becoming comfortable with this whole gay thing, and now I get hit with this and I am freaking out even more than I was before. I thought that it would feel good to rant a little bit to get this all off my chest, but now I just have all these other thoughts of what COULD happen and what probably WILL happen to me if this all comes out and I am feeling a bit queasy. I need to stop this.

I tried to occupy my mind with a new picture, but even that is stressing me out. This is what I have come up with so far. I don't think that I am going to work on it any further.

I heart pain.

O wow I am hurting really really badly right now! I do not think that any amount of painkillers will make this go away! I feel like Josh is mostly responsible for my pain right now. After we ate dinner, we went for a walk on the beach to settle our stomachs. On the beach we ran into some friends and they were out surfing. They ran up to us and started a conversation, and in the process I ended up stripping down to my board shorts grabbing a board and running towards the ocean! Oh man you guys can see where this is going right?? I don't know how I ended up in the ocean! It was like I had no control over my body once the board was put in my arms!

The first wave that I caught was just to get a feel for the board. It had awesome balance and there was something going on with the fin that I really dug. But I did not know what it was because I didn't check out the bottom of the board when I got it. Anyway the second wave was when I really got to see what the board could do. Then when I was paddling back to catch my third that's when it happened! THE PAIN! O MAN IT WAS INTENSE! But I didn't care I was already back in the action and this time I went for it and I caught some serious air. It was beautiful! It felt so good! And then I landed and all of a sudden it didn't feel so good... I let the next wave carry me back to shore, and then I let Josh carry me to the car.

If I weren't so worried about what he would think, I would have cried actual tears that whole drive to my apartment! Lucky for me my friend has a HUGE hot tub in her apartment and Josh helped me get it started before he took off. I soaked in that tub for like 2 hours until I knew the pain killers had fully taken effect. Then I got out and I had a few beers with my friend. Afterwards she rubbed emu oil all over me. Her mom is a holistic healer and teaches accupressure, so she knows how to give one hell of a massage. I was in heaven the entire time that she was touching me. Now that its over and its almost time for me to take more pain killers, its all coming back pretty strong. I really hate pain!

The most insane thing about tonight was that I enjoyed it even though I am pretty sure that I won't be able to stand up in the morning. I love the ocean and I don't care about this kind of pain. I think that if this is what I have to deal with in order to surf, I would totally deal with it, but I still wouldn't come out to other surfers. I just think that the pain of whatever the fall out would be would hurt 1000 times more than whatever my back can dish out. Did that make sense?? I am drunk on pain killers and beer, so I am not sure...

This is a picture that I made in my class demonstration today. I was kind of inspired by the Byzantine period paintings. Its actually a self portrait in a really abstract sort of way... But whatever! I also got a little bit lazy with the background, but after the first 45 minutes, I thought that everybody was getting a bit bored.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Trouble on the hill.

I have come home to absolute chaos! Its actually kind of funny. But its still chaos!! Most people have already figured out where I am from, so I have decided to talk about it, especially since its been on the news so much over the last few days! So this is how the legend goes. About 10 years ago Donald Trump came to my town to build a golf course. All of the people in the city were very much against this. We already had a great golf course, and we didn't want too many tourists or people that aren't from the area golfing here, because it creates HUGE traffic issues. Basically there is one main road that runs through the city, and if people from other areas start using it, people on this road will never move! Long story short, Trump built the golf course anyways and upon completion, the 18th hole fell into the ocean. Then that was the end of that! Fast forward 9 years and Trump tries to buy off land that the city refuses to sell so that he can build a resort, and the city raises 40 million dollars to block the sale. Now that brings us to present day. Trump's golf course is now the top golf course in CA. I also think that he is planning houses around the fringes of the golf course, and he wants to change the name of the street that the golf course is on, to "Trump Road" or some lame ass crap like that, and the entire hill is absolutely LIVID about this.

This is ridiculous that the problems of rich people are so important that they make the cover of the Los Angeles Times! Bored soccer moms with too much money have nothing better to do than complain about this and it drives me crazy! Yes the name change would be extremely tacky, and it definitely does not fit in with the theme of the rest of the street names in the city, but there are bigger problems in our community that we should be worrying about! Like my senior year of HS and my freshmen year of college, I knew over 40 people that had to go into rehab from the hill (that's what we locals call PV)! I also have had many friends over the years that have killed themselves from the pressures of being a kid in PV! It's all about image and keeping up with your neighbors. Since its all about image, having a street named after gaudy ass new money with a comb over will hurt the image of PV a little, but I think its exactly what this city needs!

OKAY! I am done. If I don't stop I think that I am going to go off on a tangent about starving kids in Somalia and all sorts of crap like that! In other news, I didn't tell my mother that I was gay, and that was never the plan. Instead I sat her down and I told her that as I find myself her views and my views are becoming more and more polarized. I told her that I am not at a point in my life where I can be preached to the way that she does and get something positive out of it. I end up frustrated and upset, and I don't have the maturity to express myself in a way where I can be understood. So instead I become angry and resentful at her, and I don't want that. She didn't really have much to say after that because I didn't give her much room to argue with me. She tried to start up with her bible crap but I gave her an exaggerated response of frustration and she gave up. I had to make sure that I chose my words carefully and that I kept control of the conversation the whole time because I have never lied to my mother, and I refuse to start now. If she ever asks me THE question, I will tell her the truth. She deserves that much from me.

I just finished packing and I am getting ready to go to Westwood for the weekend. I am going to be staying with a friend for the weekend because I am really tired still and I am not going to want to make that drive everyday all weekend. I have no lesson plan as of yet, but I am planning on coming up with something during dinner with a couple of graphics friends. There's a lot to go over, I just need to find a way to make it fun so that my staff will actually retain what I am trying to teach them. I google earth'd my city because I was to lazy to make a picture for my blog.

Thursday, June 08, 2006


Before I talk about anything else I would just like to thank everybody for your emails and your comments. Even the negative emails and comments helped me to get a grip on the bigger picture. Until I wrote that post, I had no idea how many gay athletes were out there. I guess that I knew that they existed, but so do gnarwals and giant squid. However, until I see them with my own 2 eyes, they are as real to me as a unicorns are! It is a really sad existence to think that you are all alone in this sea of machismo, because to a certain extent, I even buy into this gay stereotyping. Like I don't think that there could ever be a gay Crocodile Dundee. To me that man is the epitome of what a straight man is, and that's wrong! Why can't Crocodile Dundee be gay? Why can't a gay man be good at sports!?

For a very long time I felt like the only gay Eskimo in that Tenacious D song. However I got tons of responses from my post, and these responses have helped me a lot in ways that I was not expecting. I was SHOCKED when I realized that so many people were reading my blog! Then I was speechless at the amount of emails that I received from gay athletes and their struggles. They were quite overwhelming! I am very honored that you guys felt like you could trust me with your secrets. I know how it feels to lead a double life and hate yourself for it. I also know that after I finished reading the post that "Asher" suggested, I didn't want to turn into the cautionary tale of a gay surfer. I haven't been able to find the key to my happiness, because I know that I have struggles ahead of me no matter what I choose. But it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

My flight was quite pleasant and Eddie and I got into the LAX just in time for the Donovan Frankenreiter concert! You might not know the name, but everybody knows his song. He sings the Verizon wireless song commercial, "free". It's a duet that he sings with Jack Johnson, the coolest man on the planet! The concert was AMAZING! ANd I absolutely love his new album! It has a very different sound from his first album. After the concert we grabbed some food with Tyler, and Eddie's best friend Tara. We didn't end up getting home until around 2:30 in the morning! I was so tired that I barely woke up like 2 hours ago! I called my mother to let her know that I was home, and she wants to talk about this communication problem that we have been having as of late. I am still mulling over what I am going to tell her...

This is a picture that I took about a year ago. But today while I was in bed I remixed it on my laptop. Redbull was a HUGE factor in my ability to stay up days at a time in the last week. So this was my ode to European Redbull, which is actually twice as strong as it's American counterpart! I am definitely done with redbull for the rest of my life!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Still in Paris.

Well I have been in Paris for a little over 30 hours now and I am just getting ready to leave! The plan is we are flying to JFK in about 4 hours, and then into Long Beach. Poor Eddie is passed out on the bed right now. He is both physically and emotionally drained. He has been carrying all of his luggage and my luggage all over the place, plus he has been giving me lots and lots of massages with my Emu oil. Then of course accepting that award last night and all of the praise that went along with it! It was so cute watching him squirm up there! I think that he did a pretty nice job butchering the French language for a few minutes, and then we went out to celebrate with the other 2 Americans that were at the festival.
We went out for a fancy French dinner complete with 5 bottles of Champagne. I don't even remember the people that we were hanging out with because they were pretentious New York people. OMG if the stick were any further up their asses they wouldn't be able to bend at the hips! It was just disturbing. After we were finished with dinner and a mind numbing discussion about stuff that no normal person would care about, we ditched them for our hotel room! This is where the real celebrating started! When we were ummm... done. Eddie just fell asleep, because he had nothing left in him I slept for like 2 hours, but I have been in 3 time zones in the last few days and sleep isn't happening for me right now.
I am in a weird mood right now. I wanted to write this blog that was all exciting and full of all these great things that I did today, but I read this other blog that someone left the link to in my comments about gay pro athletes. Now all that I can think about if what kind of athlete am I going to be? Am I ever going to get comfortable enough with my sexuality to turn pro and put myself out there? Is it right of me to let myself be victimized like this without ever being open and honest? Am I making a huge deal out of nothing? Am I a coward for not wanting to deal with any of these issues? The worst thing is that I am afraid that I am not going to do anything else in my life that is going to mean as much to me as surfing does. Because it is more than being a weekend surfer, its showing the world what I am capable of. As long as I am to scared to let the world know that I am gay, I am never going to be able to be a pro surfer. Because in a way I feel like I wouldn't be able to do one without the other. Who is going to want to sponsor a gay surfer? Okay, I am done now. I am going to stop thinking about this and I am going to take in Paris for another hour before I have to wake up Eddie and head back to California! Plus I have worse things to deal with. I did not tell my mother that I went to Paris, and while I am 20 years old, I don't think that my mother would think that I am old enough to leave the country without her permission! Plus I have a weekend training Saturday and Sunday and absolutely no lesson plan! Just to twist the knife a little further, I can't give out too much info about Eddie's film and stuff, especially since I just don't want to be outted yet... I have this very thin layer of anonimity and I am pretty sure that if a person was persistent enough, they could figure out who I was. However I just need to stay hidden and feel safe with my secret for a little while longer. But I will get the film upoaded onto Youtube and post it later. My mind is fried. No picture today! Sorry to be such a negative nancy. I will work on that.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Blog du Jour

Right now I am sitting in a hotel room in Paris completely blown away by the fact that I am here. The weekend went very well, and I think this summer is going to go great. I should not have worried about having issues fitting in, because the thing that I forgot about was the fact that I am working with computer people! Programmers, game designers and robotics specialists aren't the most social people out there. So when it came to being part of conversations, or interacting with the other supervisors, I had an easier time engaging them than they did each other. They divided all of us into our departments saturday morning, and then we went over protocols for the intercamp activities. We all basically had the same ideas and we were able to finish by mid afternoon on saturday.
The rest of the camp did not have such an easy time. The rest of the weekend was dedicated to everybody agreeing on how their intercamp activities would work, so the graphics guys were able to do whatever we wanted for the rest of our time in NYC! I called Eddie, just because I wanted to hear his voice, and he sounded kind of nervous, so I asked him what was going on. Apparantly he entered this short film into a festival about a month ago, and he was planning on going to the festival, but then he met me and he didn't care about going because he probably wasn't going to win anyway. Shocker, he recieved a call asking if he could be in Paris on Tuesay for the awards ceremony because his short film won the festival!
This is where it gets CUTE! Eddie is an extremely shy and modest person. I have known this guy since we were in the 7th grade, and he hasn't changed at all. Our senior year in high school he won a national art competition and his painting was actually hung at this huge gallery in DC. He had to leave school for a week and he didn't tell anybody why he went. The only reason we found out was because our art teacher announced it in class the day he came back! The reason why I bring this up is because I am trying to explain the extremes that this guy goes through to hide how awesome he is! If I hadn't called right when I did, he probably wouldn't have told me that he had just won.
Anyway, I told him that I was done for the weekend and he asked me if he could fly up and see me for awhile before he went to his thing in France. Like I really needed to answer that! By 11:30 at night he was pulling up in a taxi in front of my hotel! I saw him and I got really excited, I don't know what came over me, but I ran right up to him and I kissed him for like 2 minutes in front of everybody! Not that there were many people around at that hour, but still, I think that technically I am pretty much a closet case! He just looked so freakin hot that I couldn't help myself!
The weather was pretty crappy, so we only left the hotel when we checked out this morning at 4am. We spent most of the time talking and umm... Well use your imagination! It felt really good being able to support and comfort him, because until now, I have been the guy that needed all the support. I have never thought that his life was as complicated as it is, and now that I know, I have more respect and admiration for him than I did before. Basically he is a sensitive tortured artist that is dark and brooding because of his troubled past! Nobody understands the pressures of growing up in a first generation Asian American household except other Asian Americans. But to give you an idea, I contemplated suicide more thinking about the fact that I didn't want to be a doctor than I did when I first realized that I was gay. Eddie was born in Communist China and didn't make it to America until he was 5, so he definitely has pressures that I will never know!
Well my flight was for 10 pm Sunday night, but I had better things to do than catch a flight, so we went to the airport together this morning. His flight was at 6:45am, and mine was standby.
On our trip to the airport Eddie asked me to come with him to France. He told me that he was so nervous and he wanted someone special to be there with him in his big moment. He said that this was the whole reason why he came to NYC to meet me, he was just to scared that I would say no so he didn't ask me. How could I say no to him!? I am a sucker for anybody who says that they need me!
Half the plane was empty, so getting me a seat wasn't a problem. The last minute fare for the plane ticket was a different story all together! It was a problem because he bought my ticket, and I have no way of repaying that much money without having a really awkward converssation with my father... "hey dad, I went on this last minute trip to Paris with my boyfriend! It was completely spur of the moment, so I didn't have time to save up for it and my boyfriend bought the ticket. Can you spot me the money until we both forget about this and I never actually pay you back for it??" hahaha yeah that's soooo not going to happen! He told me not to worry about paying him back because this whole thing was his idea and his treat, but I am totally going to worry about this! On our LONG flight we played this game where we both drew a picture, and the object was to fill the entire paper with color before the other person did. This is what mine looked like. I went so fast that I forgot to draw an arm on my guy, he also is missing color on his shirt and a few other things. But after Eddie finished, and it was 1000 times better than mine, I had no desire to finish my drawing. I would show his picture, but mine would look like a kindergarten art project next to his! I am thinking about stealing it and waiting 20 years when he is uber famous, then selling it on ebay for retirement money.

Friday, June 02, 2006

No sleep till Brooklyn!

Well I kind of have some serious insomnia at the moment. It was a positive night though. I met all of the staff that I am going to be working with this summer, both on site and off site. They were all pretty nice. Of course everybody made the stupid, hey look a student showed up 3 weeks early for camp! Joke. But once that got old, we all got down to the business of getting to know each other. The graphics guys compared portfolios, and of course mine was the most impressive. Then we talked about where we are going to school and what brought us to this organization, and then we all went to dinner. After dinner, most of the guys went off to a bar, but unfortunately I did not think that I should pull out my fake ID and go with them. So instead I met up with some friends from NYU that are there for summer school and I went out drinking with them instead!
It was a great time, the problem was that I didn't factor in the fact that I needed to walk pretty far to get back to my hotel. My hotel is in Battery Park, and the closest subway exit puts me on the far side of the World Trade Center! You have no idea how hard it is to walk 20 blocks while completely trashed and limping from serious back spasms! Atleast I had my new Pimp cane to support my weight, although I think I tripped over it more than it actually aided my walk!
When I finally got back to the hotel I went straight for the tub and I soaked in scalding hot water until my back stopped screaming at me. Then I got out and took some Ibuprofen, and now I can not sleep!!I am not exactly nervous about tomorrow, its just that being back in this city brings back a lot of old memories. I was so young when I first came to this city, and I was so ignorant to how the world really worked. I grew up a lot that year that I spent here and for that I will always be grateful to NYC, but it definitely is not the city for me.
tomorrow I have a three hour break in the middle of my day and I have decided to go have lunch with an old friend, well I guess the more accurate term would be old girlfriend. We are going to Serendipty's because I have been craving a frozen hot chocolate for like 4 months! Anyway I think that this is what is causing my lack of sleep. I usually go to NYC every 4 months. I was there in December, and we sort of hooked up like we always do. Besides the whole sex part, we have a pretty good relationship and I enjoy her company in a BIG way. So I am thinking about telling her that I am gay. I can see this not ending well because I had sex with her in December, but I am pretty excited about her knowing. The reason being she is completely safe to tell since she is insulated from my life in LA. Plus I am back to NYC again at the end of the summer, and then again in December, and she might figure out something is up when I don't sleep with her at any point in my visits. I am such the stallion that girls just can't get enough of me! hahaha!
This blog is a horrible influence on me! Ever since I started it I feel the need to tell everybody that is even remotely important to me that I am gay! I feel like Peter Parker in Spider Man 2 when he keeps on taking off his mask for everybody that he runs into! Anyway, my picture. This is my idea of a "WASP". I made this a few years ago immediately after I read the word in a book and then looked it up online because I had no idea what it meant! It was an intriguing word. I don't really know why I am so fascinated with this word, but it really does hold my interest! I wonder if anybody will get what I was trying to say when I made this. Oh yeah and my blog title! I thought that it was fitting because that song is stuck in my head, and I am not planning on going to Brooklyn, so its fitting because I am probably not going to get any sleep either!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

I have been getting a lot of requests for close-ups on my face. So this is me. Don't I have such pretty teeth!? Not a single cavity. And look! You can see my spine through my mouth!! Right now I am taking a break from packing for my 4 day excursion to NYC. Putting clothes in a suitcase is the most arduous task that one can ask me to do.
The reason why I am going to NYC is because that is where my "upper management retreat" is going to be. Doesn't that sound exciting?? This is where all of the camp directors, assistant camp directors and activity supervisors (such as myself) get together and discuss how the intercamp communication is going to work. This is very important for two department, first one is mine, the graphics department, and second one is the gaming department. Graphics classes are going to be held in Smart Classrooms for the first time ever, and all of the classes all over America (about 24 classrooms) will be linked together for sharing and art critiques twice a week. It is my job to sit with all of the other graphics guys and discuss how we want to do this, when the best times would be, and how much we are going to involve the students with this activity.
This is the part that I think that I am going to have the most difficulty with. I have lots of input on this subject, because 90% of all of my classes have always been in Smart rooms. So I know a lot about them, their capabilities, and how they work with students that have never used them before. The problem is my age. People will automatically dismiss me because I am going to be atleast 7 years younger than the next youngest person there! To give you an idea of how old I look, I went to go see X-men at midnight over at City Walk in LA, and the curfew police made me go to their office and call my parents to let them know I was out passed curfew, because I forgot my ID!! This is something that is never going to go away either, because my father is 38 and he still gets carded everytime that he orders a beer! My point is, I think that it is going to he hard to gain the respect of my peers, when no one will actually view me as one. I am super paranoid because of my head counselor position I took at Sea World last summer, and the huge headache that caused me!
However, I am not going to going to let last years experience influence me this year! I am going to go into this situation giving the people that I work with the chance to treat me like any other person that they would work with. I Understand that I am the youngest supervisor that this summer camp has ever hired, and they would not have done it unless I was above and beyond qualified for the position, and they knew that I could do it better than the other 10 people that were up for the same position! I am proud of all of the things that I have accomplished in my life so far. I am trained in conflict resolution and crisis counseling, I am a certified Los Angeles lifeguard, I am extremely good looking, and damnit, people like me!
I can do this job and I am going to show everybody that I can handle my fair share of work just by being there and adding my thoughts and opinions in every discussion that we have. Just as long as I can make myself heard in a nonconfrontational way, I will make a great impression on my peers! This is going to be alright, I can feel it. I am really going to miss Eddie. I feel like such a loser! This thing has only been going on for a week and I am already going to miss him when I go away for 4 days!? REDONCULOUS!!! How pitiful am I!?
On a totally different topic, I received more emails than I did comments yesterday. I will do my best to get back to you guys as soon as possible, but I am going to be pretty busy over the next few days, so it might be a little while before you hear from me.