I don't know

I think I'm depressed but I have been struggling with actually feeling anything at all so I'm not sure. Over the last couple months I have been struggling with interacting with anyone I know personally. I only respond to texts when somebody threatens to break my door down to check if I'm alive, otherwise (until last night) I haven't socialized with anybody outside of the grocery store.

My aunt had a stroke last week and my first thought was, "Thank god there's a pandemic going on and I don't have to be surrounded by all those people." Intellectually I know I should feel bad for thinking this, but I don't. I'm super tired all the time, but I seldom sleep. I go for runs like 3 times a day and I skateboard for hours at a time. I've lost so much weight that I don't own anything that fits me anymore.

But I honestly don't feel sad. I just don't feel anything at all. I looked in the mirror for the first time in months. I didn't recognize myself. It was strange. I came home last night from a few hours of just walking. Brad was in my living room pacing. He's been worried about me because I haven't responded to his texts in a while. We used to facetime everyday. Then that turned into regular phonecalls at some point, then texts. I don't know when I last responded to his or anybody's texts.

It was strange seeing him. I took a shower and then went to lay in bed. He came in and he got in bed with me and I fell asleep to him holding me. I haven't slept like that in so long I can't even remember. I woke up and he was still holding me. It felt too intimate. I asked him to leave and he did. I think something is wrong with me but I don't know what it is or what I should do about it.