Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I haven't been writing this blog for very long, but it honestly feels like a million years ago when I started it. I never realized that I was capable of changing so rapidly. Yet here I am 5 months later and I am a completely different person. The odd thing is that I have changed in so many ways, and though my sexuality wasn't even close to being the biggest change in my life, it was certainty the catalyst for everything that came afterwards.

I am sitting here with Eddie in San Diego. We just went over my entire blog, and we had a lot of fun reading through my life and all of my craziness over the last few months. He has never seen my blog, though he knew I was writing it. I just wasn't ready for him to see it until right about now.

Last Spring I was struggling with a lot of things in my life. I was confused about who I was and where I fit in. Though I never was able to verbalize these feelings, I contemplated suicide almost daily. In the beginning I need this blog because I was to proud to let any of my friends know how much pain I was in. Writing these words down and letting strangers into my life helped me to find a way to open up to the world without ever getting hurt or having any real consequences to deal with.

For awhile it worked out great for me. Then things started to change really fast in my life. I found Eddie, I came out to my best friend, and I started dealing with this stupid back injury from hell!! All these things were issues that forced me to let people into my little private bubble.

Somewhere about a month into this blog people started reading it. I guess that I had always had a few dozen readers a week, but very suddenly I had a few hundred readers a day. Then a few weeks later my numbers doubled. All of a sudden this tiny little online journal had taken a life of its own and I was completely intimidated by what I had started. However I continued writing because I was still not confident in myself and my ideas and writing gave me the confidence to appear confident (think about it! It makes sense in my head.)...

This summer my great grandmother passed away. When this happened I was devastated in a way that I can not even explain. My first impulse was to write about it, but then I changed my mind and I turned to my friends. This was the first time in my life when I didn't internalize something this huge and pretend like everything was okay. I was a mess and I was completely okay with letting the people that love me see it. I think that this was the turning point in my life. It took me 20 years to figure it out, but I finally learned that no man is an island.

This is around the time that my posting schedule started to become extremely erratic. All of a sudden I realized that I had all of these people around me that wanted to support me with the things that I was going through. And all of a sudden I was completely willing to let them do so. With all of these people in my life, posting became a chore instead of an escape.

I thank all of you for following my life so closely. I have discovered so much about myself and what I am capable of from all of you. There was something about my blog that attracted you guys to me. All of you guys found something that you could relate to and that makes me happy. This blog became a forum for everybody to share their thoughts and experiences with me and each other. Because of all of you I was able to open my eyes to a world that I had never experienced. Everybody that came to my blog brought their own unique feelings on ideas on life, and they were all helpful.

All of you guys still in the closet have shown me a reflection of myself. All of the things that you fear and all of the things that you look forward to. I now know what if feels like to be on both sides of this and I am grateful for everything that you guys have contributed. Don't lose touch with me because I am not writing this blog anymore!

All of you guys just starting life out of the closet have shown me what I can look forward to very soon. You guys give me the most hope because I feel like I am almost there! Though I have come out to a couple of family members and a couple of friends, I kind of feel like I am living my life half in and half out right now.

Finally there's the experienced older guys. You guys have shown me the way. I have corresponded and met with a lot of guys out there that have seen it all! You guys have opened my eyes to the world and made me realize that I could have it all if that's what I really want. Your wisdom and compassion has made me secure enough in myself to be able to really open up to the people around me.

So now I say goodbye. I am definitely not done with becoming the man that I know I can be. But I am ready to start doing so in a completely different way. Unfortunately that would include me not blogging anymore. It's was too easy for me to internalize everything in my life and taking on the world all by myself. I guess that I am just trying to figure out a way for me to start depending on others more aand myself less.

This picture is of me. I took it on a tripod using a timer all by myself. It's a great picture, but like everything else from this part of my life, its very lonely. I am hoping that this picture can be left here as a reminder of everything that I am trying to move away from.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

Hi hi!

I am soooo happy that this week is finally over! This week has been extremely difficult because I have been juggling my newly rediscovered social life, and my newly acquired responsibilities as camp director. Yes that is right boys & girls, I am a 20 yr old camp director! It's was odd feeling becuase I was very conflicted about my feelings on my new position. But today is my last day of work and I am feeling really good about what I have accomplished, I am also very happy that it is all over!

I don't actually have the time to go over any particulars, but I just wanted to let everybody know that I am still alive and I'll post again soon. Hopefully before I leave for Hong Kong in the morning. But if I don't, I might be out for a few more days. LATER!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Taking a deeper look...

So lately I have been very selfish with my time. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about myself and all of the little things that bother me in everyday life. I used to be the guy that all of my friends ran to when they had a problem, but lately I have been emotionally unavailable to them. I would say that I started to change right around the time that I started this blog. So like 4 or 5 months ago (Wow that's a really long time! I don't think that I realized it has been that long until I actually just typed it!). But over the last few days I have finally been able to stop being so selfish and reconnect with a lot of my friends.

At first it was pretty great. There were a lot of things that I hadn't been a part of lately because I have been so busy with my life. I have friends that have found love, lost love, bought houses, gotten engaged and all sorts of other things. I have missed out on a lot because of how incomfortable I am with dealing with my sexuality around certain friends (Even friends that know I am gay).

Tonight I had coffee with my friend Carrie. We have been friends ever since she moved onto my street when I was 12. She's the most driven girl that I have ever met. I have never seen her fail at anything that she set her mind to. However during the course of our conversation I discovered that my favorite little Ivy League graduate actaully failed out of college her last semester and was only alowed to walk if she promised to complete the courses that she had failed. Long story short, she hasn't! Not only has she not completed them, but she has been telling everybody that she has indeed graduated! Everybody from her parents to her employers think that she is a college graduate!

I felt like such a jerk! Because there she was spilling her heart out to me about her deepest darkest secret and she didn't know mine. That took a lot of courage to tell me that she has been lying to everybody around her about this really huge thing in her life. All that I wanted to do was tell her that I was gay, but I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to take the focus away from her.

I haven't been a caring person lately. Just like Carrie needed me. And recently just like a pen pal that I let down because I was to busy being selfish. It's wierd when you come to an epiphany like this. All of a sudden you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and while you do have your own crap to deal with, so does everybody else!

I am happy that I have taken the time to really probe myself and discover what I want out of my life at this point. But now I need to take some time to be a friend to the people that have been mine for my entire life. I don't think that I am here to save everybody else's life, I just think that I need to be a better friend like I used to be. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop my friend from doing stupid things or pull Carrie out of her depression, or help out in the plethora of issues that a bunch of my friends have been dealing with. But it would have made me feel a lot better to know that I had done everything that I could.

So this picture is an ode to my half assing shit! I was trying to draw that stupid bag of butterflies thing for Downunderpants , but I just never got around to finishing it because I didn't feel like it. I am thinking of just finishing this picture and sending it to him anyway, just to show that I am turning over a new leaf and I am going to start putting out that little extra effort! But then again, I also want to go watch TV...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It's the Statue of Liberty!

I really want to thank everybody for all of the emails that I received over the last day. I am always very shocked when I write a post and then I wake up the next morning and see that I have so many emails that they won't even fit on a single window! I went through most of them, and they were all very positive and supportive, so thanks. Also a lot of people had a lot of theories on why I was freaking out about this whole situation. Although nobody really hit the nail on the head, I was able to figure it out on my own and that actually made me feel a lot better.

I think my biggest problem with that whole situation was that I hate violence. Growing up, I never really wanted to take martial arts. I always wanted to surf or sit in my room drawing pictures all day. However my father had different plans for me and ever since I was old enough to do so, I have been taking martial arts. The one positive thing that I took away from this was that it gave me the confidence to never feel like I had to fight a person that was picking on me. Just knowing that I could win a fight was enough for me to never want to do it. I have never been the kind of guy that needed to prove myself to others, or seek validation from my peers, so showing off was never a priority either.

My whole life I have been put into situations where I have had to make a choice between fighting with my fists, or dealing with people with non violence. I have always chosen a peaceful route. There have even been a few instances where I have been attacked, but an hour later we were shaking hands and apologizing to each other. I have always thought that if I ever fought somebody with my fists, then I must have failed myself and what I represent.

I know that these were extreme circumstances because I didn't know the guy, and there was no actual time to talk things out. But that doesn't change the fact that I did something that was completely against everything that I believe in and everything that I ask other people to believe in. This made me feel like all of my ideals and morals could be compromised just as long as there was a situation that caused for extreme action. This whole train of thought opened up a huge can of worms about all sorts of issues. The more that I thought about these things the more depressed that I became.

In the end I came to the conclusion that I had done something wrong. I made a choice to fight when I could have called for help. I know that people would argue that I was just defending myself and my friend, but we all know that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I also know that if I were in the same situation I would still stand my ground and fight because I would never let anything happen to any of my friends. I guess that a reasonable man would say that violence would be okay in this situation because I only have good intentions. But just as 2 wrongs don't make a right, we also know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

I guess that I am pretty young and this might sound kind of naive to a lot of people that read my blog. I just felt that if you felt really strongly about something, nothing could ever shake your beliefs. The thing that I have come to realize is that anything that you really believe in can be taken away from you, given the right circumstances. Which brings me to the statue of liberty. As an American I have grown up knowing what she represents for our country, and I felt like those ideals were infallible. But now when I look at the current climate of my country, and the world, and even my personal life. I come to realize that nothing is infallible, and everything can be compromised.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Sooo... Yeah...

Okay. I started off writing this post about something completely different. Then halfway through it, I began to write an email to a new friend, and I realized that I needed to write about what was really on my mind. I am just freaking out a little bit because I am not really sure where to begin. Basically I have found myself in the middle of a very HUGE disaster and I don't think that I have what it takes to deal with it.

On friday night I received a call from my friend Trevor. Through a series of unfortunate events, he had found himself in Atelope Valley all by himself and couldn't get home. So being the awesome friend that I am, I told him that I would make the hour long drive to go pick him up. The whole way up, I was in a bad mood. I was very irritated with Trevor for getting himself into this odd situation that I had not fully understood. I worry about him because he never makes the right decision and always finds a way to get himself into as much trouble as humanly possible! This night was no exception.

Trevor wasn't where he said he would be, so I called his cell. He answered and told me that he was hanging out in this bar around the corner. Trevor just turned 18 and had no reason to be in a bar in the first place, so of course I go into parent mode and I am EXTREMELY irritated for it. When I get in I can see him sitting on a stool sipping on something. I walked up to him and I gave him a hug, and then in a slightly inebriated tangent, he told me all about how he ended up in the middle of nowhere with no ride. It was actually kind of funny in a totally sad and tragic sort of way.

Basically he met a guy in a club. Then after having a few drinks with this guy, he decided to go home with him. He didn't know what he wanted to do, he just thought that it would be fun to go home with this guy. Anyway long story short, the guy said that he didn't live far (which was a total lie) and he seemed cool at the time. However after the hour's drive back to his dilapidated apartment and the loss of a good buzz, Trevor wanted to go home. Only this guy didn't want to take him home. So Trevor just walked out of his apartment and called me.

I am very glad that he called me. Things got really bad that night, but I am still very glad that he called me. Because if I wasn't there I don't think that any of his other friends would have been able to protect him.

It all happened pretty fast. There were two guys behind us, and they tackled Trevor and told me that I could leave. I would later learn that one of these guys was one of the people that Trevor went home with. It took me a few seconds to process what was going on, I was shocked that something like this was actually happening. It felt like a bad movie. I got the first guy off of Trevor and incapacitated, and then the second guy just stopped and then got up to face me. He was a lot bigger than me and I was very scared. He punched me in the face really hard, and I fell on the floor. I managed to kick him in the knee, and I got up and grabbed Trevor's hand and I ran.

I am not sure if they chased us. But we ran really fast and we got into my car and I took off and never looked back. Trevor cried the whole way home. By the time we pulled into his driveway, the adrenaline had finally began to wear off and I was starting to feel a lot of pain in my back and in my face. I couldn't even get out of the driver's seat. Trevor almost had to carry me all the way into his house. I spent a few hours soaking in his hot tub as we watched some TV and we both calmed down. Trevor was a wreck because he felt awful for putting me in this situation. I told him that he was my friend and that's just what friends do for each other. I can honestly say that I am not upset with Trevor at all. I just wish that he would make better decisions.

After having the weekend to process what has happened. I find myself getting very depressed by this whole situation. I am a trained martial artist, but I hate to fight, and I never fight outside of training workouts. Solving problems through violence is the most immature and ridiculous thing that a person can do.

Ever since Friday night's incident, I find myself bursting into tears a lot. I can't control it and I can't make it stop. I know that it sounds strange, but I feel very bad for defending myself and I also feel bad that I don't feel worse about it. There are also other things that I can't quite articulate going on in my head... I just feel like crap about this whole situation and its not going away. I haven't told my family, or Eddie about this, and I am not sure if I am going to. It's really hard to talk about. I can't even think about it without having my heart race and my eyes swell up with tears. I am a mess.

I tried to upload a picture that I have been working on, but blogger is being stupid. Or maybe I am just way to impatient right now. I'll try again later.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Just missing my dude...

So yeah, I guess that I am over that whole hornt stage and I am now all sad and lonely and missing my Eddie. SO of course I am listening to Bright Eyes and getting all miserable sitting in my room and occasionally playing card games with the kids. But mostly sulking but I am also painting! It's actually turning out pretty good. I think that if I lead a more sad and tragic life I might be able to become a tortured artist and sell a bunch of work that way! But alas I am just not capable of that much inner anguish!

ANyway this was my inspiration and I just thought that I would share because I love this guy and he totally makes me smile all the time. I have been listening to Bright Eyes for a couple of years now, and I am sad that he isn't more popular than he is. Last summer it really seemed like he was about to strike it big, but then he didn't. But he's still really awesome in my book. Nobody sings a sad love song like Connor Oberst. Enjoy. ANd I will post the painting 2morrow.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

One more thing!

Donovan has been getting me through these trying summer expereinces! His first album was this awesome acoustic jam session and each song felt like he was singing it to you in front of a bonfire and it was FUCKING AMAZING! I didn't think that he could top it, and then he released his second album a few months ago. I went to the record release concert a couple months back and I was COMPLETELY impressed with this new sound! Have a listen.

Just a little background on Donovan. He's a pro surfer, but he doesn't compete. Moslty because he's to cool for competition, but also he doesn't believe in it. Putting all the rest of us money hungry sell out surfers to shame. And making us feel like performing monkeys. He is also a fixture in my favorite surfing movie series, "Drive Thru", directed by Greg Browning (who is also a prolific surfer in his own right. And lives about 10 minutes from me.). The thing that is so awesome about this guy is the freedom he gives himself to do whatever he wants. He doesn't care about things that the rest of us seem to be all caught up in, and it really shows in his music. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy.

Freakin horny!

Everywhere I look there are a group of hot guys with their shirts off, stretching, or running, or sweating, or just being fucking hot, and I can't take it anymore! They are everywhere and its getting harder and harder (no pun intended) to function.

Today the men's swim team came out of a practice the same time I was walking out to pick up my day campers in the morning. As they walked by I literally stopped in my tracks as all of them walked right passed my in their track shorts and no shirts. I must have looked like the gayest guy on the planet because I couldn't take my eyes off of their chests and abs!

And what's the deal with all of the penis outlines I have been noticing lately!? I mean really, it has never been this bad for me, but everywhere I turn I see a penis! It's driving me insane! It's like every guy on campus has decided that only soccer or basketball shorts are to be worn and underwear are completely optional! I really need to stop gawking so much and roll my tongue back into my mouth because I am feeling so LEWD that its kind of gross.

I need some relief that masturbating just can't provide. I think that its time for some serious surfing! atleast until I am limping mildly. Maybe the pain will be a nice distraction for awhile. Now if only the waves weren't so crappy... There's always my longboard.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Spread thin...

It's not easy being me, but I really make it look like it is! It's getting to the point where I am starting to slack a little bit on my ability to make camp as fun as it was when I was fresh. I am definitely starting to feel all of those lost hours of sleep and extra energy that I have been using to get things done. The thing is that when this has happened in the past I would sacrifice my personal free time to make things better. But I find myself apathetic to my camp situation and I can feel the quality of my camp person slipping.

Which isn't to say that I am no longer the coolest camp counselor ever! I know that the kids are still enjoying themselves and that my staff is still getting what they need from me, I just know that I can do better. I hate that I know that I am not doing my best because that really starts to grate on my conscience. I just don't know waht I can do at this point to really change or rectify this situation.

Enough about that! I have really been enjoying my new surfboard! I have taken it out and ridden it a little bit ever single day since I got it! It's the most awesome thing since flavored surf wax! Even though the waves haven't been anything special, its really nice to just get off of campus and do things that have nothing to do with camp. Having all of this responsibilty really makes camp feel like a job and I don't think this is what I set out to do with my summer in the beginning. However, I said that I was done talking about camp!

Tyler and I went to go and see Clerks II last night, and that movie was AWESOME. I absolutely loved it and I could not stop laughing! I walked around after the movie telling random people, "You never go ass to mouth!". Because that was the most awesome arguement that has ever been had in movie history! Then I said it to my UBER gay friend "todd" and he informed me that going ass to mouth is the only way to do it! After that odd disgusted shiver went down my back, all the fun of that statement was sucked out of the phrase (no pun intended!). ANd I was kind of left with a very unclean feeling. Is this just me being a prude? Do lots of guys honsetly go ass to mouth? Becuase if so, once I finally let somebody go up my butt (I like to pitch, but I am willing to switch. In the future, I just need to be sweet talked.), they will NEVER go ass to mouth!

Monday, July 31, 2006

The Talk

Yesterday I had an AWESOME day! It was like the universe only had one goal, and that was to make sure my day rocked. Even though I had problems sleeping, I woke up with plenty of energy and I was excited because I was going to be hanging out with 2 of my cool NYC chicks. They wanted to go shopping and do the tourist thing, so I decided to take the to Santa Monica so we could kill 2 birds with one stone.

The third street promeneade is like heaven for all gay men, metrosexuals and girls. It's full of really expensive boutiques and plenty of shirtless street performers with all the abs that you could possibly want! Anyway, we were looking through this one shop, it was a female clothing store so I was pretty bored. And in the back there was the hottest guy that I have seen in a very long time! I mean I am totally off the market and would not even think about doing anything with this guy REALISTICLLY, but the dude was seriously gorgeous! He was an athletic Asian guy about my age with really developed biceps and awesome pecs all packed into a form fitting white Tshirt.

I couldn't stop staring, and it was kind of a problem because I haven't yet had "the talk" with these girls yet, so they didn't know the situation my personal life. So to make a long story short, they go into the dressing room with like 12 outfits each, and then the hot guy walks right up to me and starts to flirt! First of all I was completely shocked, and then I was even more shocked. The dude was really smooth, and if I weren't completely in love with Eddie I would have thrown him into an empty changing room and had my way with him right there! There was just something about this guy that oozed sex. So after I adjusted myself, I knocked on my friends changing room door and told them I would be at the bookstore. Then I smiled at the sexiest guy that has ever spoken to me and I walked out of that store like a pimp!

That was such a confidence booster for me! I think that I really needed that because I was totally walking on air for the rest of the day. Sometimes a boy just needs to feel desired. Do you know what I mean?

Later on I dropped off my NYC chicks and I headed over to my meeting with my sponsor. We shook hands and we talked about Hawaii and all the other things that I have been doing in my life for awhile. Then I decided that I have beaten around the bush long enough and I just got right down to business. I told them that I was on the mend and I was pretty sure that I would be 100% within the next 4 months and that I would love to continue competing. BUT, I would also like to finish school! I know that I am only 20 years old, but I have been in college for over 5 years now and all of my friends have graduated college and either have jobs or are in graduate school. It's really time for me to finish! I also told them that I have recently had to deal with a lot of personal issues that are affecting every aspect of my life and I wasn't sure how I wanted to deal with them in my life as a pro.

At this point they asked me to clarify, and I just told them that I wasn't ready to discus the issue any further at this point. My eyes locked onto the president of the company just for a few seconds, but I totally could tell that he knew exactly what I was talking about! I felt naked. I started to panic a little bit, so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them I felt a little bit better, but I could tell that I needed to get out of there soon. I think that the prez could read my mind becuase he said that it was alright and that he was perfectly okay with me finishing school and going back to our previous arrangement where I toured during breaks and during the summer.

He pat me on the back and shook my hand. Then he told me that if I ever wanted to talk, his door was always open. He told me that he believes in me and my talent and he knows that I can do great things once I have it in my mind to do so. He's a sweet guy so I am sure he says it to all of the guys, but if felt very nice to hear.

So I am pretty sure that that was kind of anti-climactic. I didn't quit and I didn't decide to throw myself into the sport. Also I didn't tell anybody that I was gay. I think that they might have picked up on it, epecially the head honcho, but I didn't go out and say it. I am just going to do what I have been doing. And that's keeping one foot in the door and what foot out. It's what works for me right now. I am way to much of an indecisive loser to live my life any other way. Over all I would say that I accomplished everything that I set out to do at the meeting. I am very happy that nobody pushed for me to take on a more active roll in my career and that nobody pressed the issue on what I was dealing with in my personal life. If and when I become ready, I will share.

Which brings me to my final thought. I don't like Perez Hilton. The way that dude hounded poor Lance Bass was really sad and tragic. I am so happy that nobody cares about surfing enough to ever do that to any of the athletes. So atleast I am lucky that Perez will never come after me. I was talking about this with Eddie (who might have more of a problem because he is working in Hollywood once he comes back from HK. His film has been making its rounds to the right people and he might be doing some pretty exciting things in his immediate future.) and we both agreed that we would freak being outted like that. Even though Eddie is completely open and honest about his sexuallity with everybody, this was completely different! This Perez guy took away Lance's power to make decisions in his own life! Even though I have had a similar experience recently, this was on a MUCH SMALLER scale, but I got the general idea, and it didn't feel good. It's a violation in a really big way and I felt really bad for Lance and what he was forced to do.

Soooo ummm yeah. There's a very interesting story that goes along with this picture, but I am pretty tired and this blog is really long so I am not going to tell you guys about it! I am going to go to sleep now. I have to wake up in 6 hours and start training new staff because a bunch of mine quit over the weekend! LATER!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Decision

Tonight is a big night for me. I am sitting down with my biggest sponsor to talk about my future in sufing. I informed them already of my hesitence to enter the sport full time, and we have basically reached that point where I need to either put up or shut up.

Honestly I haven't thought about my future in surfing at all! I have been so busy with my grandmother and work and my family that I haven't had the time to think about my future. Desparate times call for desparate measures. I called my friend T. T is a pro surfer and I have known him since I was 15 years old. He is about 31 now and he is a seasoned pro and one of my biggest mentors in this crazy sport. I asked him to meet me at the beach to catch some waves and talk. He said that he would be right down and that he had a surprise for me.

When I got to the beach I noticed that T was already out there, and he had 2 surfboards with him. As I walked towards him I noticed that he was alone, so this other surfboard must have been for me! The closer that I got, the more I realized that this wasn't just any ordinary surfboard. It was just way to shiny to be a normal surfboard, because it wasn't! He had brought me one of the new carbon fiber surfboards that I have been drooling over for an ETERNITY!!! I totally started to freak out. I told him that if this extra board wasn't mine I would be forced to run him over with my car and take it anyway. He informed me that it was indeed mine and that was all that I needed I grabbed the board and ran straight into the water!

That board rides like a fucking wet dream! It's jsut so light and you can feel how strong and durable it is at the same time. Oh man the speed and manuverability were just AMAZING! I don't know how I could have gone my whole life without one of these boards. I was having so much fun that I didn't want to leave the water, but then that old familiar burn started in my back and I knew that it was time to get out.

The paddle back to shore was very sobering, and by the time I got back to the sand I was completely terrified with what I was about to say to T. So I am sitting on the sand and T asks me how fucking amazing that session was on my new board, and I look up at him and say, "I'm gay." It was very silent for a very long time. I could tell that he was trying to figure out if he heard me right, because even though he knew that he had he just couldn't believe it. Finally he said something! He asked me if I was sure, and I told him that I was positive. Then he looked at me like he was about to say something really prolific and he said, "Did you know that Lance Bass was gay?"

I started laughing and so did he. We got around to talking about my little problem and what I want out of life. He is a great listener and he is an extremely intelligent man and I value everything that this guy says to me. He brought up a lot of issues that I hadn't even thought about, validated a lot of fears that I was having, and he also gave me comfort in telling me that I wasn't alone. No he's not gay! But he did know a couple of pros that are, and he promised me that he would arrange a little meeting. Why did I not go to this man earlier? I ask why, but I already know the answer. I wasn't ready to go to him until I actually told him.

Right now I feel like I am the gummi bears and that chick is my sponsor. I have decided exactly what I want to say to them, and I am very comfortable with my decision. But I am still dreading going to this meeting beause I hate it when I know that something is going to be written in stone like this. Well atleast for awhile. I will tell you guys how the meeting went, and what I have decided on my next post.

Have I mentioned that I love EDDIE!?

So I was feeling pretty crappy today. We had the last of our ceremonies for my grandmother on Thursday night, and we burried her Friday morning. I think that when I laid a flower on her grave I finally accepted that she wasn't ever going to come back. I was done hiding from my feelings and I let myself be a mess in front of my whole family, and it felt good.

After the funeral I went home to just have a completely lazy day. I was looking through my mail when I noticed a package that Eddie had sent me! You guys have no idea how excited I was to see mail from him! I know that he just left a few days ago, but it already feels like I haven't seen him in forever and a year! Of course I ripped the package open and I saw that he had made me a DVD. I also noticed that he had sent this locally the day that he left. So I was curious to see why he hadn't just given it to me.

I popped the DVD into the player and I started to watch it. I am sooo madly in love with this guy. I am still smiling! Basically it was him sitting on his bed talking to the camera like it was me. He told me that he had timed the arrival of the DVD to be on the same day as my grandmother's funeral, which it was, and that he was very sad that he could not be there. I started crying because I missed my grandmother and I was sad that Eddie wasn't there to hold me.

For the first 5 minutes he totally just laid on the sappiness as thick as he could make it. Then he did something that I totally didn't expect. He pulled out a letter and he started to read it. At first I didn't know why he was reading this letter, and I didn't fully understand what it was about. Then slowly I started to realize that it was a letter that I had written him when we were juniors in High School. At the time we weren't really friends, but we had the same advanced art classes and we were on the Golf team together. So when I found out that his grandfather had died I felt really bad for him. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just wrote him a letter telling him that even though we weren't "best friends" I would always be around if he needed somebody to talk to or just hang out with. It wasn't anything special, I just wanted him to know that I was thinking of him without actually walking up to him and telling him so.

Once I realized what he was reading I started to sob out loud! I could not believe that he kept that letter. We never actually hung out after that, but he aknowledged the fact that I wrote it and he thanked me for it. I took it as a sign that he didn't want me to get in his business, so I backed off after that.

After he was done he put down the letter and he told me that just knowing there was so much kindness in the world made him feel so much better. He wanted me to know that if I could open my heart up to him like this when we were virtual strangers, the least that he could do is offer the same to me now that we are in love. He told me that even though I said that I wanted him to go back to Hong Kong, all that I have to do is pick up the phone and he will be back here in a heart beat. I am what matters most to him right now.

Like I said, my man knows how to lay it on nice and thick! haha. Just when I thought that he couldn't throw any more surprises my way, he picks up my guitar and he tells me that he made this video because he wanted me to smile today. So he was going to sing me my favorite song. Which is Jack Johnson's Better Together.

I smiled. I laughed. And when it was all over I was okay. I called Eddie and I thanked him for being the best boyfriend that any loser like me has ever had. And then he tried to feed me some bull crap about how he was the lucky one, but I live on planet Earth, so I wasn't buying it. I thanked him and told him that we were just going to have to agree to disagree. I am semi-tempted to post Eddie singing to me, but Eddie might get upset. So this is Jack singing it, which is almost just as good, but he's no Eddie (Which isn't to say that I don't love Jack also! I went to my first Jack concert in 2002 back when it was just me and this wierd fat chick that drank to much at the bar. All the way until now when he packs entire stadiums. Plus Jack is a surfer and he is also an awesome director (he makes surf movies))!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

It's all Downunderpants' fault!

So Eddie just left and I am missing him already. He stayed an extra day and he would have stayed forever, but I told him that he had to go. Having him here was such a good thing for me. He really helped me to work out all of my weird feelings and actually verbalize what was going on in my brain. There are very few people in this world that I feel like I can be completely open and vulnerable to. I am a guy with many layers, and I can count all the people that have seen my core on one hand.

I am a very gaurded person when it comes to casual relationships with people. Like I guess that saying that I am a gaurded person would be an understatement. I have told 3 people, outside of everybody in the blogging world, that my Grandmother has died. Most people don't know, and I am perfectly fine with things staying that way. I hate it when everybody around me feels that they need to treat me like an injured puppy! I would rather put a smile on my face and make everybody think that everything is great. Then later fall apart around my family and my VERY close friends.

The reason why I bring this up is because I totally fucked up today! Well I also partly blame downunderpants (but from now on we will just call him "butterfly boy". Also I am typing this from my PDA, so he doesn't get a link either!) for this tiny little fuck up. I was sitting there just minding my own business, answering a buttload of emails, because I guess that it has become uncool to leave me comments on my blog. Anyway, Butterfly boy said something that I wanted to respond to, so I did. Then he instant messaged me back like 2 seconds later! Long story short he said something that stirred some serious emotions that were supposed to stay hidden during camp hours. There I was listening to music, telling a joke, and preparing the afternoon activities when all of a sudden tears just start pouring down my eyes!! It was soo wierd! Because I was smiling and speaking in an extremely jovial voice, and there were tears streaming down my face! WTF IS UP WITH THAT!?

I felt like grabbing a spork and scooping my eyes out right at that very moment! I can't believe that they betrayed me like that! So I made up some lame ass excuse like, I had dust in my eye, and then I ran out of the room as fast as I could. After I reached the bathroom (the public restroom!) I ran into a stall and started sobbing like a little baby! It was sooo not my style to do something like that. I am still very shocked that I was capable of such a public display of emotion. That was soooo not what I do like EVER!

So now people know that something is up with me. I can feel them start to do it already. They are a little bit more conscious of what they say to me. Everybody is working a little bit harder so they don't have to bother me for help, and they have all stopped giving me a hard time about my age and being in charge and all that crap. I hate pity. I kow that I am a hard headed loser who should just accept the kindness of others for what it is, but I honestly feel like their pity makes me hurt more.

Okay I am totally insane and I need to be taken out to the back of my house and shot. I get it! But I just feel very strongly about this whole privacy issue. This was a picture that I took last night at our little ceremony at my house for my grandmother. It was nice.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I'm okay.

It's weird how you think that you can build this shell around yourself that nobody can penetrate no matter how hard they try, and then all of a sudden somebody comes along and proves to you that they can see passed all of your armor. As you all know my great grandmother died yesterday. I was feeling empty by the whole situation all day yesterday. Then when I came home the nurse told me that my grandmother had written me a letter a few months ago and she wanted me to have it when she died.

The second that I saw it on my night stand I started to cry. I didn't even know what it could say, but just seeing that letter I knew that she had something important to tell me. The letter was over 12 pages long. I don't think that I can find the right way to summarize what she said to me. But by the end of the letter I knew that she really knew me. The REAL me. She saw my whole life with all of my sadness and all of my struggles and she understood me.

She focused a lot of her letter on my situation a few years ago when I was a senior in HS and my father and I got into this huge fight and I moved in with my friend. This was a very unpopular decision with most of my family. I was very young and EVERYBODY in my family would have been more than happy to take me in. Basically, my happiness is their happiness, that's how it's always been. But instead I chose to move into somebody's house that was a virtual stranger to them and it hurt a lot of people in my family. Nobody understood the reasoning behind why I did it, and I never really shared my reasoning with anybody else. Mostly because even though I had a reason, I couldn't really articulate my reasoning into a cogent argument that anybody could ever understand.

But my grandmother understood it. She understood it perfectly, and she wrote it down with the eloquence and grace that time and intelligence has given her. She ended the letter by telling me that I am special. Out of all of her boys (Sons, grandsons, great grandsons, and great great grandsons [yes you read that right, GREAT GREAT grandsons], she didn't really see any difference, because we were all hers.) she has never known any of them to be as secretive as I am. But that's only about the details in my life. My heart is an open book and she knows my heart better than anybody else in the world.

After I was done with the letter I was a complete mess. I was crying so hard that I think I actually sobbed out loud! So I went into my bathroom and splashed some water on my face to gain a little bit of composure. Then I put the letter in my drawer, and I went to sleep. Today I feel a lot better about things. I am still very sad that she is gone, but I am also relieved that she is no longer suffering. She held on for a very long time because she loved us all and she wanted us to be okay. Now she needs to rest. I love her so much and I will cherish all of my memories of her because she taught me a lot about myself and the way that I view the world.

I received an overwhelming number of letters from you guys. Thanks for all of your support and wisdom. A lot of you were right that I had been preparing myself for this for a very long time. I think that I was ready for her to go and that's why I am not as big of a mess as I thought that I would be. But I still needed that good cry that I had last night. It definitely made me feel more human. I am pretty sure that there are going to be a few more tears, because she was an amazing woman and I am always going to miss her. But I am not going to be sad about this because she wouldn't have wanted me to be.

Tonight Eddie is going to fly in for 3 days to make sure that I am okay. He's so good to me. We are going to have a very nice couple of days and then he is going to go back to Hong Kong knowing that everything is going to be alright with me. Once again, thank you for all of your emails and comments. They were all special and very comforting to read.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


I got back from Hawaii on Wednsday night and I was back to work by Thursday morning. There was a lot of stuff to cover and I was working very hard from the time that I got there until about 8am this morning. It was like the whole camp decided to fall apart and stop working while I was gone and they were waiting for me to pick up the pieces before they did anything else!

I was supposed to go to go to Huntington Beach for the US Open (surfing duh!) but I was really tied and I wasn't feeling up to watching my friends compete because I felt this really odd need to be at home with my family. I hadn't seen them since before I left for Hawaii so I decided to go home instead.

My Great Grandmother has been very sick for a very long time. She has been battling cancer for the past three years. Just a few years ago she was an extremely powerful woman. In my life I have never known anybody that has been able to balance a career and a family in such an amazing and effortless way. Becuase of her, my family has been able to enjoy a very liesure lifestyle. About two years ago my grandmother was so sick that I thought she was going to die. She was very weak and she couldn't even speak. However she recovered almost 100%. Even though she recovered, I kind of let her go in my heart that moment when I knew she was going to be around much longer.

Over the last 2 years my great grandmother has been struggling with her health, but for the most part she has been able to carry on with her life. Then about 3 months ago she started to get very sick. I knew that this time it was really then end because something just felt more final.

I was home by 9, and I immediately went into my great grandmother's room to tell her hi. She wasn't even really aware of the fact that I was in the room even though her eyes were open. She was struggling with her breathing and she looked so frail. I kissed her on the forehead and I told her that I loved her. 10 minutes later she died.

I spent the last 6 hours surfing and now I can barely walk. But I still can't get myself to go back home. I am now sitting in a cafe by the beach just stalling because I have to go home. I don't know what it is, but I am not feeling a lot of emotions about my great grandmother right now. When I saw her this morning I cried because she looked like she was in so much pain. Now she's gone and I haven't cried yet.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

My life so far. (minus surfing)

I am going back to Los Angeles in a few hours with a lot of unresolved issues. At first I was really set on following a certain path, but the more that I thought about it the more unsure I became. I am just not ready to box myself into a corner. I have been recieving a lot of questions (from emails) about when I first realized that I was gay, my relationships so far, who I've come out to, and which aspects of my life are still closeted. And I thought that since I didn't have much to say, I would kind of do a quick review of my life so far. Which would also be in my blog if anybody cared to look through my archives!

My mother and father had me when they were 15 years old. My mother named me after a soap opera character. They were both Juniors in High School and neither of them were ready to be responsible for another person. It was not a problem, because my father has a very large family and while my parents finished high school then went off to finish college, I was taken care of by my aunts and uncles. I actually have this huge inferiority complex when it comes to my relatives, because I am almost positive that I am mildly retarded compared to the rest of my family. Its quite embarrassing.

I come from an extremely macho environment. When there are a bunch of us in a room, people are always wrestling or yelling or watching some sport on television that I pretend to enjoy. 2 of my aunts are lesbians, and these are also the 2 that spent the most time taking care of me. I was aware of homosexuality long before society tried to convince me that it was wrong or different. So you would think that living in such a lesbian friendly environment would make life out of the closet pretty easy, but its kind of the exact opposite.

The only things that can be agreed upon by my relatives are, beers + bitches = a good time. And for awhile that was okay with me. I enjoyed the camaraderie that I shared with my aunts and uncles and their affinity for women. I am not entirely sure how to explain this, but even though I grew up with homosexuality as everyday normalcy, it seemed like women were the only option when it came to relationships. So I never thought about being with a guy.

That is until the day I was actually with a guy. I was hanging out with this guy I met from UCLA, I completely idolized him, because he was the exact guy that I wanted to be! He was this super confident Asian man (of 19 years, I was newly 15 at the time), that had a perfect balance of his Asian culture and American life. He was the guy that helped me to understand that I did not have to lose who I was in order to be successful in life. One day I drove over to his apartment to tell him all about how I'd just made this huge change in my life and how people in school were reacting to it, and how I no longer cared! It was awesome, he was so excited for me. I gave him a hug to thank him, and I guess that it lasted a bit longer than I intended it to, because he finally had to pull away, but when he did, he kissed me.

At that moment I knew that I was gay. I hadn't even thought about it until right then, but with that one kiss I knew that this had been what was wrong when I was making out with girls. So of course I left immediately and I never spoke to him again. For a very long time I convinced myself that I wasn't into guys and the thing that made our kiss so intense was the fact that I had so much admiration for him because he was such an amazing person. It was pretty easy, because I have this uncanny ability to self delude. It worked for about 3 years.

Then HE came into my life. I did not even hear him sit next to me, but then all of a sudden his hand was on my back and he was introducing himself as Danny. I was just starting to work at Sea World and I met him in Aquatic Rescue training @ 5 or 6 in the morning. He had the most amazing blue eyes that I have ever seen in my entire life. I introduced myself and we spent the next ten minutes talking about aquatic trainning and how much it would suck to get into that 50 degree water!

That whole morning went by really fast, and half of the poeple that were supposed to be there did not show up, so we finished two hours early. It was awesome because I had not made a friend this quickly in a very long time. Then we went for a walk on the beach. The waves looked pretty nice and I mentioned that I wish I would have brought my surfboard, then he got really excited because he had just started surfing and he wanted someone to go with him. From that day on, we went surfing almost every night! For about a month, that is all that we did. One night after my fourth bong hit, we worked up enough courage to confess that we were both into each other.

I knew that he had liked me for awhile at that point. I was just not ready to act on anything until I was really high I guess. On the last day of camp I was very sad to say goodbye because I knew that things would not be the same once we left camp. Living at a summer camp is its own microcosm, your perception changes and you live by a completley different set of rules that you wouldn't have anywhere else. We were both staying in San Diego, but now we would be having to deal with the real world.

Which brings me to Eddie! He's the current LOVE OF MY LIFE! We were in the same grade all through high school. He is the most amazing man on the planet! He's a graduate of USC Film school and he is one of the most talented artists that I have ever met. We went to Junior high school and high school together, but we didn't know each other very well outside of art class. Then a couple of moths ago, we met outside of this store by the beach and we became inseperable.

He has given me the strength to be a man. I have been able to accomplish a lot because I know that he is there to catch me if I fall. He was with me when I told my aunts that I was gay, and he was the guy that I cried to when I told a friend and it didn't go so well. I can honestly say that if he weren't in my life I would be in a completely different place right now. I am completely in love with this man and he is completely in love with me.

So in conclusion, My boyfriend, my best friend, and my lesbian aunts know that I am gay. There are a few others that don't really matter as much, but basically the little circle of people that do know is pretty small. Not really out to the world yet!

I just felt like some of my older pix needed to be let out of the closet also. Nobody ever goes through my archives so I don't think that the older ones ever get any appreciation! I hope that cleared some things up for you guys!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Something my uncle said...

I have been having this same dream every night for a very long time. It's about something that my uncle told me years ago. I had totally forgotten about it until very recently, and now it won't really leave my mind!

My Uncle Tino is a very cool guy. He's exactly 8 years older than me, and we share the same birthday. Growing up, I wanted to be just like him. Only he's way too cool for me to ever actually be like him! He's a very talented musician and an accomplished hip hop dancer. In addition to those things, he's also ALWAYS the center of attention because he is the funniest and handsomest guy that you will ever meet.

Anyway, after he graduated from Cornell (an Ivy League University in the coldest part of the US) he came home with a couple of extra pounds on his body. Always the joker, he told me, "Ryan, you know that you are too fat when you are in the shower and you look down and you can't see your penis!".

At the time I laughed and then forgot about it. However, recently I have been dreaming about being in the shower, then looking down and not being able to see my penis! The first time that I had this dream I woke up laughing my ass off! Then when I showered in the morning I made sure to look down and double check that my penis was still visible. Yet this has not provided me with the comfort that I assumed it would. Because this is a recurring dream of mine that I have been having over and over ever since! I look down and I can't see my penis! All that I can see is the HUGE stomach. I look like a fucking pregnant woman in my dream! I honestly never thought that I could be so freakin vain. But honestly I also never thought that I would be able to fit into size 32 pants (especially since my dad is still a 30! And that is the freakiest thing of all! My father is in better shape than I am. How many sons can say that about their father!?)! I have about 2 more weeks on the steroids and then hopefully I will go back to normal. I can not deal with all of this extra weight for very much longer! It's seriously affecting my self esteem in a big way!

I went sailing today. I don't know if I ever wrote about it, but I am an experienced sailor. I spent 2 weeks sailing the Caribbean when I was 14 with a summer camp. Then every summer since I have gone out in the ocean for a couple of weeks with friends or family. It was really nice going out there on the ocean with a couple of friends that had nothing to do with surfing. I have also done a lot of thinking about my surfing career and I have decided that I need to take a break from all things practical! I am not doing myself any good stressing out over all of this nonsense! I can't make a decision while I am in this situation. So I think that once I am away from all of this craziness and back in the real world, I will be more capable of making the right decision. I would also like to thank everybody for their advice from comments and emails! I got a little bit more emails than usual, and I have been extremely busy as of late. So it might take me a little while to read through them and get back to you guys.

This is a picture of the sunset today. I was trying to be all arty and what not. I think that it looked better in the little preview window on my camera than it does all big on my computer. It was just such a beautiful sunset that I thought I would try and capture it and share it with you guys. I love being here in Hawaii. LATER!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I dunno...

I am actually really enjoying myself ou here in Hawaii. That's the problem. The more fun that I have here the more that I realize that this isn't where my heart is anymore. I am surfing better than I have ever surfed in my life, and I am still injured. I know that if I keep on going at this rate, I can really be a top competitor, but is this what I really want out of life??

In order to be the best at anything you need to sacrafice something that is really important to you so that you might get something even more important in return. You sacrafice your social life, your body, your personal time, and even your peronal freedoms so that you might one day be the best. For a long time I thought that this was something taht I wanted. I thought that it wouldn't be ta hard because I have already spent most of my life hiding and sacrafing so that I could be seen as normal. For a while that satisfied me because that's what I thought I wanted.

However I want something else right now. Last night we all went to Waikiki to party. I didn't really want to go and hit the same clubs as all the other guys beause I am not into that whole girls grabbing my ass as I up their breasts thing anyore. SO I said that I was tired and I just wanted to go for a walk on the beach. After about 10 minutes, I saw the GAYEST guy that you have ever seen walking down the street. I mean this dude was so flaming that you had to put the fire extinguisher on him! I had a feeling that he was about to go to a gay club and I decided that I wanted to go also, so I followed the gay guy to the club. And he lead me to the gayest place in Oahu!

It wasn't anythig special. In fact I kind of got pretty disgusted with with all of the white guys that were hitting on me hoping to get some action with a local island boy! Even though I a not a local island boy, I really look like one. I know, what did I expect? But I just really needed to be around other gay people after so many days of e being fake! I was really sick and tired of all of this FAKE BS I have been spewing about hot girls and tigh asses and what not. I just wanted to be aroud guys tha liked guys. Even though I had to deal with all of those weird dirty white ment that were trying to by me alcohol, I still had a good time. I loved being around guys and being able to stare at the hot ones and not having to hide it. I love not having to sensor my words beore speaking. I loved the feeling of freedom and safety that being there made me feel.

Being around all of these guys helped me to realize that I like being gay. I am not willing to put my newly discovered sexuality on the shelf while I pursue a sport. I have other things in my life that I love where I don't have to sacrafice who I am.

This is all coming after a very awsome week of me doing soe really amazing things. I am honestly loving every moment of me surfing and I wouldn't trade this week for anything in the world. I am not sure what I am saying and I am pretty sure that this is an extremely incoherent post. But I am just conflicted.


Still in HI, and things are getting really confusing... Its's like the more I venture into this whole surfing thing the more I realize that there is never going to be any middle ground. I really cant talk right now though...

Let's just say that I have choices to make like NOW! I have more sponsors asking me to sign after what they saw of me over the last few days. But I am coming to realize that this isn't what I want anymore. The thing is that I am not sure if it is because I am scared of if it is becuase this is just what I don't want anymore. Anyway I have to go. later!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I am soooo gay!

So last night I went to the movies with the entire "crew". We went to see Superman at our local multiplex. I wasn't very excited about this because it would be my third time seeing it, but the other guys haven't had a chance, so I was down for the cause. But we arrived at the movies 5 minutes before it started and by the time we got there, the place was packed and we weren't able to find seats together. I found a seat near the front in the corner, and it sucked! About 10 minutes into the movie I got up just to take a walk around and stretch my legs.

Walking around this huge multiplex I noticed that, "The Devil Wears Prada", was starting in the next few minutes and I couldn't help myself. I snuck in and I watched it! This is officially the gayest thing that I have ever done, out of the bedroom! What is even worse is that I liked the movie! Even though I really hate Anne Hathaway (It's a long story and something that I don't want to talk about. Especially because there's a slight chance that I will come out looking like the jerk.). Anyway, the clothes were amazing and I really got into the characters. Then in the end when Anne Hathaway learns a very important life lesson, I almost stood up clapping! Yes I know that is gay. And for some reason I have issues drawing butterflies in a bag... Yeah I don't get it either!

So after the movie ended I had just enough time to run back into Superman for the last few seconds of the movie. I waited at the entrance of the movie for everybody else to get out, and then we all hopped into the van and drove off. The whole drive back was filled with talk of the movie that I was able to keep up with since I had seen in a few times already. Then one of my buddies annonced that I wasn't there! He saw me walk out and never come back.

This is where I could have said, "You are right! I have seen this movie way to many times, so I got bored and I went to see, 'The Devil Wears Prada'.". But that's not what I ended up saying! Using my amazing cognitive abilities I said,"Aww! How sweet! My presence means so much to you that you sat there and waited for me to come back that entire movie!? That's the sweetest thing that I have ever heard! Come over here and give me a HUGE kiss!". Everybody laughed, and we moved on to talking about the movie again.

When we got home, we watched, "Green Street Hooligans", and I tried to draw a bag of freakin butterflies! But it just wasn't working out for me. I am not to clear on what an actual bag of butterflies would look like (No offense to downunderpants and his amazing artistic abilities.), and the ones that I did make turned out looking pretty sad and tragic. The butterflies looked trapped in this bag being weighed down by the fabric, they almost looked like they were dead! So I decided to take a break from drawing butterflies and I decided to draw a thug from the movie. I wasn't really paying to much attention to how I was drawing the feet, and when I was done I realized that these were women's feet. So I made a chick thug instead. I think that she looks pretty hardcore. I guess that I can try this whole butterfly nonsense again tonight... We will see.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Lazy day

All play after working all day, makes Eric a very tired boy. I got peer pressured into going to a house party that was being thrown by this uber famous surfer. I told everybody that I would only stay for a few beers because I am not used to waking up at the butt crack of dawn and I need my rest! To make a long story short, I left the party around 3:30 in the morning.

This is where I had to make a decision. Had I gone past the point of no return and now I should just forgo sleep? Or should I try and squeeze in an hour before I had to wake up again and start my exhausting day of working out!? My body chose the latter. I vaguely remember waking up, and then not knowing why I was awake, and then I went back to sleep. Apparantly that was my morning wake up call that I totally ignored, and instead I ended up sleeping for another 4 hours! Lucky for me the surf was non existent today. It looks like a freakin lake out there right now!

So today is going to be a fun filled lazy day of endo boards, DVD's, and a trip to town for Pilates. I am very excited about my lazy day, because I totally need it after last night. I am not used to partying with the big boys! But the real hard work is the work I have to do on myself to keep my penis under control! All of this eye candy is seriously wearing me down! It's the tanline! I can't do anything about it! For those of you who don't know, surfers do not wear underwear under their board shorts! You just don't do it. So at some point during the day your shorts slip a little and you can see that tanline! And it's so freakin hot! It really messes with my head. I NEED MY EDDIE!!!

Somebody brought thier dog to the party yesterday, and I instantly fell in love with him. He's the cutest little dog that I have ever seen in my entire life! He would get along with my pig sooo well! I just know that they would be best friends! This is a picture of me and the dog that I am going to kidnap and take back to CA in my carry on baggage.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Life is like a bowl of eggs.

Being back here is an extremely sureal experience. It's so wierd how things have changed soo much, but also how they've stayed the same. When I arrived yesterday, there was a welcome "home" party and I got to catch up with a lot of people that I haven't seen in years. Becuase even though I have surfed for these guys since I was 15, I have been a full time student for the last couple of years and I haven't had the time to come out here. We joked around and had a few beers, and then by 8 I was ready for bed! Because really their 8 is my 11 or 12... I am not sure which...

The first thing that I noticed while I was unpacking was that they have totally remodeled this entire place! It looks a lot nicer than the last time that I was here. A lot more like a home and a lot less like a trashy youth hostile in Paris (I had a bad experience in a hostile in Paris, I don't really want to talk about, hahaha it was just awful though!). But now I have my own room, and I have wireless internet, so life is good! Just as long as I can keep my eyes open long enough to do so, I am going to keep on posting!

My internal clock is sooo messed up right now that its not even funny! Its like 9 am and I have been up since 4:30 am doing stretches and working out with my physical therapists. By 5:15 I was eating breakfast, and by 6:00 I was catching my first waves. It was kind of soupy out there this morning, but I got a couple of decent waves. I stayed out there for a little over an hour, and then I headed back to my physical therapists for some more work out fun! This is my mid-day rest in a way... Basically I have this time to chill before I go back and work my body out some more, then work on some balancing issues and other stuff that I have been having problems with. I honestly feel like a pro right now. It's a good feeling to know that you deserve to be here.

I am way low-tech at the moment, so I am not sure how the picture posting is going to work for me since it will be hard for me to make things to post everyday... This was something that I was working on in the plane here. I was extremely nervous and when I am nervous I draw... I don't know if you can tell, but this is an extremely nervous picture. You totally have to love first calss though, becuase if I were in coach I wouldn't have been able to sketch so nicely! But I am pretty much over all of those feelings now. I would like to give a special thanks to "Tom". His comment a few days ago on my insane emotions really hit the nail on the head. Tom, you are awesome! Thanks for putting things into perspective for me.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Later Tator!!

I am out of here! I'll do my best to post while I am gone, but no promises!

I am like a duck...

I recieved about 20 e-mails yesterday, and they all said the same thing. I figured that if this many people felt soo strongly about my little post, I should respond to it with another post (instead of an e-mail to each person because there are probably a lot of other people that felt the same way).

Well... I guess that I would just like to tell you guys that I am really not as crazy as I sound on this blog in everyday life! I am a very different person in **person! For anybody that knows me, they know a guy with confidence. They look at me and they know that I must have a 12 inch dong because I walk around like I am the master of the universe, and this is important to me. I need for people to think that I have everything going for me and that nothing ever goes wrong in my life. For the most part, I succeed at this to the point that I am actually quite hated by many people because I am the guy that everybody else wants to be.

You guys know the highlights. I am funny, popular, and successful in sports, academics, and relationships (both intimate and platonic). In fact one of the most common things that I get in life during a drunken stupor, is people telling me how they love me because I rock, but they hate me because its not fair that one person be so freakin perfect! But its all just a facade. Nobody really wants to see this messed up and neurotic guy that I really am.

This is the reason why I started blogging. I needed an outlet for all of my insane thoughts because there was no way that I would actually share these feelings with somebody that I would interact with daily. I have a theory that being this way has a lot to do with me being Asian American, because we all do it to some degree. Its like when everybody sees the smart Asian kid in class getting the A on all of his math test. They all just assume that he's the smartest guy in class because he is Asian, and the fact that he studied for the last 10 hours and didn't sleep, is never even factored into the equation. And that's okay. We all want to be recognized for our accomplishments because that's what is glamorous! How we got to where we are isn't important, just as long as we can stand up and pretend like it was cake, life is great.

When I started this blog, I never thought that I would have more than 5 readers a week. I wanted this to be a place where I could vent all of my crazy and fucked up thoughts without worrying that I was disappointing somebody, or having someone think less of me. Well I was wrong about only getting 5 readers a week. Even if I were to multiply that 5 by 100 and change that *week* to *day*, I would still be off... At first that really freaked me out. Here I am with a new audience that I am meant to impress with my life! What's a poor boy to do!?

Slowly, I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't living my life for anybody but myself. I am not ashamed that I have a million irrational thoughts running through my head. I am not trying to impress anybody, or make anyone jealous. I am just trying to live my life and maybe figure out a thing or two on the way. I am grateful to all of you guys for going along with me on my journey, and never judging me to harshly (for the most part).

I am like a duck. On the surface I am calm, but below the surface, I am kicking like crazy trying to stay afloat! Thanks for taking the time to look below the surface.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Monday, July 03, 2006

Eddie's gone.

I was such a mess this morning as I drove Eddie to the airport. He's going to Hong Kong to teach at a university until September! I haven't really mentioned it because I was pretending that he was never actually going to go. But now he is gone and I am REALLY lonely!

Before he left he gave me this huge family size box of Fruit loops. He told me that inside of the box there were a bunch of really fun and exciting things that he knew that I loved to do. He told me that they only thing that will make him happy is if I am having an awesome time while he is away. How does he think that I am going to have any fun with him in Hong Kong!? But I started looking through the box, and I couldn't help but get really excited over all of the things in it! There were tickets to all of my favorite bands at all of my favorite venues, 2 books that I have been dying to read, but I haven't had the time to pick up, and a DVD that he had made of us (get your minds out of the gutter! Its nothing like that!!!)

I was crying like a baby! I mean he just gave me like 20 super thoughtful gifts all at once! I swear to god that I never used to cry like this! I don't know what's going on with me. But even when I was little I wasn't a crier. When I was little and they killed Bambi's mom I asked if we could have venison! I just don't cry, but lately I have just been bawling like a girl all of the time!
This whole, being gay thing, really has my emotional armor down. But I really feel like if anybody had done anything like this for me at any point in my life, I would cry like a baby! HE'S SO FREAKIN SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL!!

People always tell me that I am thoughtful and caring, but I would have never thought about doing anything like this for anybody! Eddie is too good for me, and I have no idea what I have done to deserve a man like this in my life. I am going to miss him soooo much! We all realize taht after camp ends I am flying to Hong Kong right?

Life is going to be pretty busy over the next few days so I don't think taht I am going to get to post. So Happy 4th to all of my American Homies! This is a picture that I took last year on teh 4th, I am such the awesome photographer aren't I?? haha! To everybody else, have a good week!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Look! A Bulwinkle!

Meet the Deedles is on TV right now and I am totally pscyched! This movie has all of my favorite things! Surfboards, Paul Walker, and kick ass music by , The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Save Ferris, Homie, The Cherry Poppin Daddies and Goldfinger! This movie just makes me happy to be a surfer. Its so freakin silly and ridiculous, but totally believable at the same time. Hahaha! Okay maybe not totally believable, but there are a few things that really stick out in this movie that totally remind me of my friends!

The Universe always knows how to make me feel better after a crappy day. It's always the little things that make me smile.


I guess that I finally decided to give the voicemail a listen around 2 in the afternoon yesterday. Then right as a picked up the phone, it rang! It was him. I freaked out and I ran over to Eddie to let him know that I was getting called by the "actor". Then Eddie brought me down to earth pretty fast by telling me to stop being such a fucking pussy and answer the phone already. And of course he was right, so I did.

The conversation went sort of like this...

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey dude, did you get my message?
Me: No sorry. I have been pretty busy and I haven't had a chance to check them yet. What's up?
Him: Well I don't want to do this over the phone, can you come over?
Me: Well I am with my boyfriend right now so I am not going to be able to take off right away.
Me: Yes I do. His name is Eddie, and he's an artist and a film maker. I wouldn't be surprised if you were in one of his movies in the next few years. And he is also the guy that I called to come and pick me up after you fucking abandoned me in Pasadena the other day!
Him: I am very sorry! I haven't been able to do anything since the last time we spoke. I feel like such an asshole! Can we please just meet up because I really need to talk to you. I really am sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel for treating you like that! [This is where he goes off on a 5 minute tangent of how wonderful I am.. It just felt really weird typing all of those things that he said about me, so lets just pretend that there's about half a page of why I am great right here.]
Me: Okay fine! I'll be over in an hour.

This is where it gets hard to write about... Eddie really wanted me to go and meet with this dude because he understands how important friends are to me, but I just had this awful feeling that things weren't going to go well. I showered and changed, and then I drove to his house. When I got there I let myself in like I usually do and I found him in the den watching TV. When I saw him I immediatley started to tear up. I don't think that I realized how much he had actually hurt me until I saw him again.

This was the same guy that delayed the filming of this movie he was in, then flew halfway across the world to sit with me while my grandmother lay dying in the hospital. Yet he just walks away from me when I tell him that I am gay? I really don't know how I am ever going to forgive him!

He saw the tears running down my eyes, and then he started to cry. I felt like such a loser! WHy couldn't I get my emotions under control!? I thought that I had prepared myself for this before I told him, but in the back of my mind I was still hoping that he would have reacted better. I took a seat on the couch furthest from him and I asked him why I was here.

The conversation that followed did nothing for me to want to forgive him. He basically told me that he wasn't expecting me to say anything like that to him. After I told him that I was gay he began to freak out immediatly because we are seen together a lot, and I am coming up in the world as a notable person. Look at what the press does to a guy like Anderson Cooper just because his friend is the lead singer of the Scissor Sisters. He also brought up what was going on with Lance Bass and a few other more obscure people. It didn't really matter to me though.

I basically started yelling at him. I went off on my own little tangent. I totally get the fear of being outted. I am a pro surfer. There's no such thing as a gay surfer! If I were to be outted I don't think that I would have much of a career or many friends in the surfing community. In fact it's such a macho atmosphere that I wouldn't be surprised if I were to get attacked by a few guys. I know the fear that he's feeling, because I am feeling it also! But I would never just abondon my friend because he said something to me that might effect my career!

There was complete silence in the room. I guess that we were both soaking in my words. I don't raise my voice normally, to be honest I can't even remember the last time that I did. So we were both pretty shocked with me.

This is getting very long, so I am just going to cut to the chase. Nothing was resolved. There was a point where he almost started to talk about his sexuality, but then he backed off. I didn't push it because I didn't have the energy. But I also didn't have the energy to be angry with him. So I gave him a hug and I told him that we were still friends. Then I apologized for yelling and I asked him if he was hungry. He was so we went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. We can deal with all of this ugliness later. I was hungry and I wasn't thinking clearly because I was so upset, so I just felt like it was better to deal with this later.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

My "friend"

I have this friend. I have known this guy since high school, but we didn't really become friends until I left for NYC to go to college. He had just moved to the city because that was what all of the cool kids were doing at the time, and I was just trying to get as far away from my home as possible!

We were both new people in a new city and we basically found our way in the city together. There's one other thing about my friend, he's an actor (a very well known actor). Being an actor, its really hard to make friends because you never really understand the motives for why people are trying to friend you. So I guess that he clung to me pretty tight because I was what was familiar, and I did the same. I have to tell you that the perks of having a famous friend are pretty good. That year we spent in NYC had to be the craziest year of my life! In the end I left the city with a friend for life and a lot of memories.

Lately this friend and I have been hanging out a lot. He lives in the Westwood area, and I have had a lot of downtime (usually the hours that I have reserved for sleeping). I like hanging out with him because its really easy forget the real world when you are out drinking and partying at clubs that most people only get to read about in the tabloids.

I told him that I was gay on thursday. It didn't go very well at all. At first he was really shocked, and then he just kind of walked away from me. I was pretty hurt, but I was also expecting this. It's hard to explain without me getting to emotional, but I knew that this was probably the last time that we were going to hang out when I made this decision to tell him. I was just sick of pretending, and I felt like he deserved to know the real me.

Plus I just wanted to give him the courage to do the same. He's gay. But he is totally in the closet about it. I don't think that he will ever come out,not even to me, and because of this I feel very bad for him. I know that he is gay because there have been more than a couple of drunken nights where he has rubbed up against me(or actually just rubbed me repeatedly), or propositioned me in a half joking way. But he has his career to think about, and I completely understand that.

The strangest thing happened yesterday during camp check out. He called me. I was really busy and I couldn't pick up the phone, so he left a voicemail. I still haven't listened to it. I don't know what he has to say for himself, but i am just not ready to hear whatever it is. Eddie says that I should just get this over with, but I think that I need a little bit of time. I am just a total wimp and I hate hearing bad news.

Plus everything else in my life is going pretty good! My sponsors are sending me to Hawaii for 9 days to go and train with some of the best people in sports medicine next week. They are really commited to me as a surfer and doing what is best for my body. My camp career is going great. Everybody has absolute confidence in me and the way that I do my job. I am also having a pretty good personal life. I have never felt so close to my friends and my family. And I have never felt so accepted in my life. Its a great feeling! I just need to suck it up and be a man.

Portishead = Sex Music

I have been awake for over two days because I recently discovered that it was one of my jobs to design a website and have it up and running by the end of the first session of camp (about 8 hours ago). So basically every moment taht I didn't spend with the kids, I spent building this website. Now any other guy in my situation would probably half ass a website in dreamweaver with a stock template and get some sleep. But not me! Because I am an insane loser with serious issues. I decided that I was going to create the entire website in Flash and then design everything from scratch! Hence my need for a nap.

When I get into "creative mode", my favorite thing to do is listen to Porishead! There is something about trip-hop that makes me feel extra creatve. The end result was a tired Eric, and a very awesome website that I can be very proud of. However there are side effects to listening to Portishead and feeling really creative...

The biggest side effect is my need to have sex! Portishead makes me feel like I can have sex for hours at a time and try things that I only dream about... I called Eddie right after camp ended, and he promised to be waiting for me outside my building when I got home. He was there when I got there, and I was totally ready for him! Not having sex or masturbating for over a week does something to a man... I feel like I can keep on going all night, but Eddie is hungry and he's making us some rice and veggies right now. Have I mentioned how FREAKIN HOT Eddie is!? I am the luckiest guy on Earth!

I have a lot to say, but I have a one track mind... So ummm I am going to try and post this weekend during my time off, but right now I have a hottie in the kitchen that has no idea what I am about to do to him!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A pornstar dropped off their son 2day!

Soooo... I was sitting there minding my own business when one of my camper's Brady walks up to me. He's a very happy (and extremely gay) kid. This dude is awesome! He's in my GIF seminar everyday that I teach in the afternoon, and he's always ready to learn. He's the cutest little ball of energy that I have ever met. ANYWAY! I am sitting there just waiting for kids to show up and greet the parents when this really tall and muscular man walks up to me. He introduced himself as Adam Glasser, and I kind of stared at him like I had seen him before, but I wasn't sure who he was...

I was in a hurry though, so I didn't really think about it, and all of the kids that had showed up along with Brady were escorted to the labs. The next day, I saw "Adam" again and I knew that I had seen him before, I just couldn't place where! Then it came to me, He was Seymore Butts! I almost shouted that out loud in front of all of the kids and parents! It was soooo weird! ANyway, that is all that I have to say. I am pretty tired, and I need some sleep big time. I just thought that I would share that little piece of info with you guys. Yeah I know that watching straight porn is just gross, but its an old habit and I haven't done it in years, so please forgive me. Plus this dude has a beautiful penis....

Monday, June 26, 2006

I feel good!

The last few days have been quite exceptional for me. I have some how managed to find myself, and in the process become a person that is much better than the person that I was. I am very ashamed to say this, but for a long time I was ashamed of being gay. I wasn't ashamed because of all the normal reasons, like family pressure or religion (though those things played small role in it) I was ashamed because I felt like being gay made me less of a man. I base my self worth on the content of my character and my ability to be the guy that everybody can count on. But for some reason I felt like admitting that I was gay, was me saying that I wasn't strong enough to be these things to the people in my life. As irrational and ridiculous as it sounds, for a very long time I felt like being gay meant that I had less to offer the world.

While I love to surf. I do feel like I love working with kids even more. I have always wanted to be a camp director ever since the first time that I began working at summer camps 4 years ago! The instant that I connected with that first kid, and I made him feel like he was the coolest guy on the planet, I knew that this was what I wanted to do. I am not bragging, but people love me. There is just something about my personality that has always made me the life of the party, but in a non threatening. I have always found a way to walk the line of being a nerd and a cool kid, and I have always been able to stay original in a world obsessed with everybody being the same. However, I felt like being gay meant that I was going to have to give up this life because of how uncomfortable a lot of people are with gay guys working with teens. Plus I felt like being gay would effect my ability to be a positive role model and somebody that the kids could look up to (Its pretty silly isn't it?).

I wrote an email to Dan over at Dan in OKCITY , and I told him about this little problem that I was having with being gay, and a guy that works with teens. Its a weird situation, because even though I could never be attracted to younger guys, I would always be suspected of it because I am gay! I am not even attracted to guys my own age! Eddie is almost 3 years older than me, and so are most of my friends. This is due to the fact that I skipped a grade and I started school a year early. But now I am getting a little off the point. My point is that I was scared that I would have to give up something that I loved more than my surfboard because my sexuality was holding me back, YET AGAIN!

So finally, after a few days of waiting for Dan to get back to me, Dan and I began to correspond. I told him about the fact that I was scared of my situation and what people might think of me, and I asked him how he felt on the matter (because he works with kids also). All that I can say is that he was very passionate about his response. It definitely was something that I read more than once because I could related to a lot of what he was saying, and because I could tell that he really cared about his job as much as I do. Everytime that I got towards the end of the email, I started to cry. It was just so telling of the way that I felt and the way that I should feel. It took me a very long time to let his message sink in. But I finally got it. It doesn't matter if I desire men or women, what matters is the type of person that I am for the kids that I work for. I am a positive role model and a good friend to every one of my campers. It is my job to make sure that they all leave camp feeling better about themselves than they did when they showed up at camp, and I ALWAYS do that! This is what I was meant to do, and I should be proud that I am so good at doing it!

So during my final training week, I was still feeling a bit down on myself. I had read what Dan had written to me, and I knew that what he was saying was true, but I still wasn't ready to accept it for myself. I still felt like I could never be a proper role model to anybody now that I was a gay guy with a serious boyfriend (like somehow repressing the whole thing made me a better person!). Then the kids showed up on Saturday afternoon, and it was no longer about me. It was about all of these kids that had come to camp to have a good time, and I was here to show it to them! It's a lot easier for me to be happy for somebody else, than it is for me to be happy for myself. So I was instantly able to put a smile on my face and I spent the entire afternoon meeting and getting to know all of my campers. We played games, and ate food and then before lights out on the first night, I told one of my awesome campfire stories.

During our staff meeting, everybody could not stop talking about how I took charge and got all 50 kids to listen to me and have fun at the same time. I don't understand this at all, because they hired me to do a specific job, and now they are shocked that I am actually doing it!? But it was nice, because I am finally getting used to people giving me compliments and excepting them for what they are. On the second day (Sunday) I basically did pretty much of the same, only this time I was able to find the kids that needed the extra attention. Like that kid that can never manage to sit still, or the kid that non of the others seem to like, and by the end of the day they were in the middle of the group joking around and having fun with all of the other kids. Only in summer camp can friendships like these be formed!

Again, during the staff meeting, it was all about me and how awesome everybody thought that I was doing my job. By the end of the meeting they were changing my title and giving me a raise! It just that doing this job never actually feels like work. I am this kind of guy at heart. I have never actually taken a job as a summer camp counselor and expected to make a lot of money, but now I see myself making a living this way. And so do all of the higher ups at my camp.

This post is turning into an epic, so I am going to end it now. I would just like to thank everybody for sticking with me through all of these depressing posts. I haven't been the most exciting guy to read lately, but you guys still keep coming back and sending me very nice comments and emails. I wouldn't have the courage or the strength to be as happy as I am right now if it weren't for this blog and the people that read it. Thank you!

O yeah! That's me walking with a camper @ UCLA over by the student union.