Thursday, June 29, 2017

Not with a bang but a whimper...

No marriage is perfect and I’m not done with you. I will never be done with you because you are my whole world. That being said, you know that this is going to have to be the end of the line for now. You’re not getting better and everything I have tried to help you has ended in failure and humiliation for the both of us. Which in turn only makes you worse. 

My heart is telling me that this isn't your last chance because with me you will NEVER run out of chances. I can not imagine a single scenario where I wouldn’t do anything and everything in my power to make you feel even the slightest bit better. But my head tells me that the only way you can get better is if you take this step on your own and figure out for yourself who and what you need to survive. 

When I first figured out you were an addict I was furious at myself for not figuring it out sooner. Then I was furious with you for not feeling like you could come to me to help you with what you were going through. It took me 3 years of marriage to figure out you were addicted to painkillers, which has since turned into harder drugs, and it took another 2 years and 5 rounds of rehab to realize that I couldn’t help and you didn’t want my help.

These last 2 years have been the worst of my life. Sometimes I sit in my car scared to come inside and find you dead. I’m scared to ask you how you’re doing and how you’re dealing because I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you; even though I don’t. And I’m in agony every day because you would choose drugs over me and the life we have built together. Which is selfish and stupid because this isn’t about me, it’s about you

I don’t even know where to begin. I love you. I’m angry with you. I miss you. I need for you to leave me alone. I would give anything for you to walk into our home at this very moment and wrap your arms around me so I can finally get some fucking sleep!

Next week is going to be our 5th wedding anniversary. You were high that day. And probably every day after that. When I first heard you say this, I was devastated and angry with myself for not taking care of you the way that I should’ve. I could feel your shame, regret and humiliation and it broke my heart. The thing you have to understand is that with me you NEVER have to feel shame because I will ALWAYS forgive you and I will NEVER hold it against you. 

You’re in rehab right now for the sixth time and I’m not going to be here when you get home. I can’t help you. I want to help you and I NEED to help you, but I can’t. I need you to get better and I need you to be the man I know you can be. 

Theres this line in my favorite depressing “love” song, it goes, “we fought so much we’ve broken all the charm”. Actually the entire song (FUCK let’s be real its the ENTIRE album) reads like a roadmap of the last 10 years of our life. That line in particular really hits home because of the finality in those words and where we find ourselves right now. Right now we are broken. I will admit that and know it to be true. But I also know we can fix all of this. I just need for you to know it too. 

Figure your shit out and come back to me. I need you.