I have been getting a lot of criticism lately from my friends, colleagues, and superiors. Everybody has an opinion on what I am doing wrong and what I need to do in order to improve. Most of these comments range from drop dead, to stop being gay, and all of them require me sacrificing a part of myself. The one unifying idea seems to be I am not worthy of my life because I am gay. They are all kind enough to let me know that nobody has anything against “the gays” there’s just no room for it in what I do. They approach the subject like I had a choice in the way I am and I am only like this to inconvenience them.
When is enough, enough? This is the question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. This is also something that I have found quite difficult to figure out on my own. My entire life I have been forced to submit to forces more powerful than I am, and over the years I have become accustomed to accepting this without hesitation. I brush it off and tell myself it’s because I am a non-confrontational person, but deep down I know it’s because I am scared.
I tell myself and anybody that will listen I am over letting people make me feel less than I really am. I stare into the mirror and I sweet talk my reflection until I have convinced it that I do in fact have some small sliver of self esteem left. There was a time when I could have pulled off this lie no problem, but that time has passed. The truth is I think less of myself, than I do my drug addicted alcoholic ex-stepfather.
I want to say I feel like this because of all the unfortunate things that have happened throughout my life; like the physical, emotional abuse, the abandonment, or even my sponsor telling me that the person I am makes me less worthy than everybody else around me. The thing is, I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now. I am the only person that has the power to make me feel ANYTHING. I learned a long time ago I am responsible for my own life and the way I choose to live it. In the end I will have nobody to blame but myself.
It’s not like I don’t have any options here! I just don’t want to feel like I have been defeated. If I leave this whole mess I want to make sure that I leave on my own terms, but at the same time I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness to make a point. Which brings me back to my original question, When is enough, enough!?