Tuesday, August 28, 2007


The boyfriend and I just got back from the best night session of surfing EVER! We found the perfect spot where we were able to take advantage of the waves and the stupid wind wasn't a problem. Then there's the fact that the boyfriend is an amazing surfer! I can sit back and watch him tear it up all night long because he's so awesome out there. Now I have a little time to kill before the lunar eclipse starts, so I am going to write about my moving experience this past weekend.

I spent my weekend moving the rest of my stuff out of mine and Eddie’s house. I tried not to dwell on the memories or that [extremely] small part of me that secretly hoped Eddie would burst through the doors and beg me to stay (Yeah I know that would be a bit much, but I am gay and I love overly cheesy gay shit like that because of it! Leave me alone!). So I invited a bunch of friends and the current boyfriend over for a whole weekend of packing up all my stuff and taking it all down to San Diego to my new place. I have to say that the weekend ended up being a lot more fun than I was expecting. There was drinking, laughing, a few of broken items that could never be replaced, and so many funny little incidents that will provide enough inside jokes and nicknames to last the next few years easy!

I totally lucked out with my new place. It’s literally across the street from campus and I can see the beach from my bedroom! The rent was a little higher than I was planning on spending, but I have 3 bedrooms and if I got a roommate it would be way less than what my original budget would have been. The current boyfriend is already plotting how he can claim half of my closet space and the left side of my bed. The only downside is that it won’t be ready to move into for another 3 weeks! 5 frat guys used to live in the house and it’s completely destroyed. The walls need to be repaired, the carpet needs to be replaced, the plumbing is shit and needs work, and there are several cracked and broken windows that all need to be replaced.

So for the next 2 weeks I am going to be living with the boyfriend… Yeah I know I said I was going to be taking things slow with this guy, but I already lived with him for a month, what’s an extra 3 weeks? Besides, if I have already lived with him, and I chose not to stay with him while my place was getting renovated I would be moving backwards not slower. Also temporarily staying with the boyfriend isn’t even taking things slower or speeding things up, it’s just continuing at the same pace we have been going at all along since our relationship began while we were living together! Right??

Friday, August 24, 2007

What I don't say

I didn’t realize how much I missed you until I saw you waiting for me at the luggage carousel. You ran up to me and we embraced. When your arms first went around me, I could feel the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. Somehow you made everything better just by being there for me and understanding what I was feeling without ever saying a word. I shed a few tears, but I wiped them away before our eyes met again. You didn’t notice, or at least you didn’t say anything (and if that’s the case, thank you!). I wasn’t sad. I was relieved and I was happy and I was completely overwhelmed with these new emotions I wasn’t expecting.

As soon as we collected my luggage, we jumped into your car and went straight to In & Out. As we sat there eating our double doubles, we laughed and joked around. I can’t remember our eyes leaving each other for more than 5 seconds that entire meal. Don’t even bother asking me what we were talking about, because I can’t seem to recall that either. All that I can remember are your eyes, your smile, and your voice, all of which comforted me in ways that I could never explain.

Would it be wrong of me to tell you that when you came along, you were completely unwanted? I had just gotten out of the most intense relationship of my life, and just starting to come to terms with my new role as a man-whore. Then you came along and turned my world upside down before I had a chance to tell you to go away! But things change. Even now as you are sleeping next to me while I write this, you are bringing me comfort.

When we first met, I knew that you were special and I was upset because I thought the timing was all wrong. I felt like we could never share anything special because this was all too much too soon. I didn’t think I was ready for you because even now, at this very moment, I am still not over Eddie. However, being with you helps me see that it’s possible to find happiness with someone other than Eddie (or maybe it just shows me how much of a fickle bastard I am) because I am so completely happy with you. This thing that we have could be good, it could even be great. We are just going to have to take it slow; because I don’t think I can take anymore heartbreak.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I have been getting a lot of criticism lately from my friends, colleagues, and superiors. Everybody has an opinion on what I am doing wrong and what I need to do in order to improve. Most of these comments range from drop dead, to stop being gay, and all of them require me sacrificing a part of myself. The one unifying idea seems to be I am not worthy of my life because I am gay. They are all kind enough to let me know that nobody has anything against “the gays” there’s just no room for it in what I do. They approach the subject like I had a choice in the way I am and I am only like this to inconvenience them.

When is enough, enough? This is the question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. This is also something that I have found quite difficult to figure out on my own. My entire life I have been forced to submit to forces more powerful than I am, and over the years I have become accustomed to accepting this without hesitation. I brush it off and tell myself it’s because I am a non-confrontational person, but deep down I know it’s because I am scared.

I tell myself and anybody that will listen I am over letting people make me feel less than I really am. I stare into the mirror and I sweet talk my reflection until I have convinced it that I do in fact have some small sliver of self esteem left. There was a time when I could have pulled off this lie no problem, but that time has passed. The truth is I think less of myself, than I do my drug addicted alcoholic ex-stepfather.

I want to say I feel like this because of all the unfortunate things that have happened throughout my life; like the physical, emotional abuse, the abandonment, or even my sponsor telling me that the person I am makes me less worthy than everybody else around me. The thing is, I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now. I am the only person that has the power to make me feel ANYTHING. I learned a long time ago I am responsible for my own life and the way I choose to live it. In the end I will have nobody to blame but myself.

It’s not like I don’t have any options here! I just don’t want to feel like I have been defeated. If I leave this whole mess I want to make sure that I leave on my own terms, but at the same time I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness to make a point. Which brings me back to my original question, When is enough, enough!?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Going on a Trip!

I am packing up the last of my stuff here in San Diego. I have a little less than 24 hours before I leave on my trip to Western Europe. My maybe boyfriend is a little bit sad about me leaving so soon after we met, but the fact that we are going to college less than 10 minutes away from each other (walking) makes things a lot less upsetting. I am extremely confused about this new relationship. I have no idea what it is or where it is going, but it's sort of exciting to be able to relate to somebody in a way that makes me feel less of a freak.

These have been a good 3 weeks for me here in San Diego. I was able to fully recharge my batteries, I met somebody that makes me smile, and I was finally able to come to terms with my decisions as an athlete. Now it's time for my next adventure. I plan on making sure that these next few weeks are as crazy as possible, complete with drunken shenanigans and a fair amount of public nakedness.

I am pretty excited about going, but I absolutely HATE packing and unpacking for all of my trips! This trip especially, has been causing me lots of issues because of my need for wardrobe that has been packed away for the season. Clothes that I usually only need for December and January when it gets a little nippy, I am going to need for the month of August!

Anywho... About the song! I am not obsessed with Adam Brody. Yeah, I think that he's an attractive guy, but he doesn't get me going. It's all about this song! It's called, "All the fish in the sea are sluts" and it's my new obsession! It's from a band called, Big Japan, and yes, Adam Brody is in it but I still stand by my proclamation of non-obsession. Give the song a listen, it's awesome, and it's the first song in a very long time that doesn't remind me of Eddie! I am totally fickle to the point of disgust aren't I?

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Drawing the line

My kinda sorta but not really boyfriend that I am maybe in a little bit of a relationship with, called me on my bullshit today. He definitely made some valid points, but I didn't want to hear them. There's nothing worse than fucking up and knowing exactly what you are doing wrong, then having somebody come along to point out all the things you already know you are messing up with! I must be the biggest masochist ever because I surround myself with people that aren't afraid to stand up for what's important to them, then berate me for not doing the same. It's just hard for me to make a line for myself that I refuse to cross and stand by my choice no matter what.

I am in LA right now with my fake (but not really) boyfriend. We left the camp on Friday to come up to the So Bay to watch a few of our friends compete in the X-games. It's weird meeting all of this dude's friends and having him meet all of mine. It almost feels like a real relationship... I keep on having to tell myself that we are @ camp so things are a lot more intense here than it would be in any other setting. I mean in what other situation would you spend 24 hours a, day 7 days a week, with somebody that you just met!?

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Don't call this a comeback!

Surf camp is fucking amazing! It's like a million times better than I remembered it and I have no idea why I haven't spent my entire summer here. I showed up just in time for the AM surf sessions on Sunday, and DAMN! I have seen the future and it's all good. I actually competed with a bunch of the junior counselors and older campers in my last ProAm. Of course I owned them, but this isn't a surf camp for noobs and I can already tell this is going to be as much work as it is fun to keep these guys impressed out there.

I spent lunch on my first day moving around all the different tables trying to get to know all of the 24 elite surfers. They range in age from 14 - 19 and male to female. I was particularly impressed by the fact that we had 10 girls in this session, which was a HUGE jump from the last time I did surf camp and we were lucky to see more than 4 girls the whole summer.

This is when I met the coolest guy I will ever know, Brad. I walked up to a table with 4 girls and 1 guy. I naturally assumed that like any other boy with a perfectly sculpted surfer's body, and perfectly sun bleached hair, he was trying to get laid. However, the second that we began introductions, I discovered that Brad was in fact a friend of Dorothy! I should have known, but there is such an unaffected air to him that it took me off guard because not many guys his age in his situation are as comfortable in their own skin as he is.

Why is he so cool you ask? It's actually all quite simple. To anybody that has ever gone out to catch a wave, competitively. They understand the machismo and attitude that is involved in accomplishing such a feat. Riding a wave is the ultimate sign of masculinity because it's man taking the awesome power of mother nature for a ride, and doing it with style! You need to be a cocky bastard bursting with testosterone to compete at the level these guys are at. Even if it's not in your nature, you fake it to fit in. But this guy is 100% himself, no pretense, all him. The kid is 3 years younger than me and I have only known him for 1 week, but he's already my hero because he has the bravery and confidence in himself to not be ashamed.

This dude just made my top 10 list for coolest people ever!