Sunday, November 30, 2008


I have always struggled with trying to fully articulate the thoughts in my head into actual cogent speech people around me could understand. The more strongly I feel on the topic the more difficult it is to coax anything out of my bumbling and clumsy mouth. I find the best way to avoid these embarrassing verbal slip ups is to preempt a serious discussion with a joke and quickly change the subject. For most people I interact with on a casual basis this is enough to appease them but for those who know me they recognize the pattern all too well and always find a way to approach the subject again.

I guess it started innocently enough with me bitching about not wanting to drink anymore alcohol because the last 3 nights in a row have left me with this odd notion that my kidneys were actually in pain and crying out for a reprieve. So we stayed in, smoked a couple of bowls, and watched some movies. When the movies were done we flipped through the channels until we ran into my big fat head on the screen. It was one of my interviews from a few months ago being replayed on a recap for the tour, so began the razzing…

In the end it always ends with the same question, “why do you have such a problem with fame?”. I guess at some point or another all 3 of my friends have asked me this, but I always did what I do and made a joke about it, or stuttered through some incoherent explanation that I didn’t even understand. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately, because in one form or another, this keeps on coming up! Whether it be from one of them asking me or one of my million other friends, everybody wants to know WHY!? Even Matt @ DTB got in on the action the other day with his “WHY?” and like always the best I could come up with was “errr I dunno I just didn’t like it or something…”

I guess what I am doing now is trying to put into words what this icky feeling in my heart and this lump in my throat really mean. GOD DAMN THIS IS HARD! The most difficult thing to explain is how I can be so outgoing and popular but at the same time totally hate attention from strangers. Let’s face facts, I am an attention whore but at the same time I want to decide when I get that attention and who is giving it to me. One of the most uncomfortable moments of my life was when this guy walked up to me, introduced himself, then told me where I went to HS, who I surf for, what my shoe size was, and when my birthday is! I don’t mind telling anybody any of this information, but it’s mine to share and until I share it having strangers know about me makes me feel violated! But that’s only part of it…

I don’t know how to explain how I like who I am and I like the guy I see in the mirror, but the guy I see on print or on TV kind of freaks me out. That guy I am out there in the public is the guy they tell me to be. He’s the guy I have to be because I am too scared to be the man I really am and I don’t see that ever changing. My life is my own, does it really make me a coward for not wanting to share it with everybody?

There it is. That's my problem. Or problems. I think... I am sooo not rereading this to try and figure out if I did in fact make any sense what so ever.

Friday, November 28, 2008


Turns out I have a lot more time than I originally thought I would to spend messing around on the internet. I don't really have anything exciting to post today, but stay tuned for non alcohol and drug induced posting...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Mountain fun!

Me, Johnny, Tyler and Jane are all packed up and ready to celebrate our new found freedom from the world of "employment" (read we are all spoiled rotten losers who quit our jobs and plan to mooch off our parents for a hot minute). Right after we finish our Thanksgiving dinners with our families we are piling into our car for our 2 week adventure where we will hit Mt. High, Big Bear, Mammoth & and if we still have more energy we'll head east to where the real challenges are!

All four of us haven't taken a trip like this together since high school. I am almost scared to think about the trouble we are going to get into along the way... But not really! I am sooo excited thinking about the trip that I literally just squealed! I'm sooo busy from now until Thanksgiving so I won't be blogging anymore this week. I am also not sure if I will get anytime from now until we get back so until my next post, Keep it real! I'm out of here.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Birthday Bonanza!

It’s about that time of year again… 23 years ago almost to the day, 2 completely irresponsible 15 year olds decided adoption, abortion, and abandoning me in a dumpster weren’t the cool new thing all the other teenagers were doing at the time. So instead they kept me, and the crazy shenanigans of teenage parents ensued. After 23 years of what I would consider, “A hard knocked life”, I am still alive so I guess they did something right.

I have no issues telling somebody I love them or I care for them. I have no issues giving somebody a present or giving them some sort of gesture to let them know they are important to me. What I do have a problem with is allowing others to do the same for me. I can’t even accept from others what I so freely feel comfortable giving to them. Intellectually I know I deserve all the love and affection my friends, family and boyfriend have to give me but I have never really been much of an intellectual.

Tyler wanted to make a big deal out of my 23rd birthday for some stupid reason he keeps explaining to me but I keep forgetting. I was having NONE of that. So I decided to preempt him by having a birthday BBQ for myself! So I send out some e-vites and I make a few calls, but in the end only a hand full of people commit themselves to coming. Since I have such low self-esteem and am generally pessimistic (when it comes to stuff for me) it made perfect sense to me that nobody wanted to come.

Fast forward to yesterday Tyler, Johnny, Bradley and Jane are all doing their best to get me out of my grumpy mood because everybody abandoned me on my Bday! Then around 1 I go to get the grill started and I can’t find the FUCKING charcoal! I seriously almost punched a wall I was so pissed off. So Tyler casually suggests we go out to grab some grub instead of be cooking for everybody when it’s my birthday. At that point I couldn’t really argue because I felt totally defeated. I know! I get it! I am such a brat and when things don’t go my way I can bitch like nobody’s business! It’s annoying and I apologize for the unattractive behavior.

Anyway we jump into my SUV and I let Tyler drive because all I want to do is get in the back with Bradley and be in my moody head for awhile. We finally get to this restaurant around Encinitas (which is WAY further than I wanted to go!) and this place is PACKED! There were so many cars in the lot that we had to park down the street. I start to get mildly annoyed again because I am HUNGRY and we just drive a half hour to get food a restaurant where I am probably going to have to wait another half hour before we can finally eat!

As we are walking toward the place a couple of my SD friends (that I invited to my party but the declined!) come out and totally make eye contact and freak out! But I wasn’t about to let them get away from me without a guilt trip for ditching me on my day. So I walk up to them and I am like, “Hey guys! What’s going on? How was the food? Any big plans today?” They kind of smile at me and tell me they just had some food and they were about to go catch some waves. I tell them they need to come inside with us and have a couple of drinks with me since it is MY BIRTHDAY! So of course they do. Walking through the parking lot in the back of my mind I kind or register that I recognize almost all the cars in this entire parking lot, but I am not really thinking about that. What I am thinking about was the lame ass excuse my friends I just caught gave me when they told me they wouldn’t come to my party! I open the door to the restaurant still looking away though because Bradley is walking SUPER DUPER slow, and just as I turn my head to face the inside everybody in the entire establishment screams, “SURPRISE!”.

So naturally I scream, “HOLY FUCK!”, nearly shit my pants, do a 180 and attempt to run the hell away as fast as I can so people don’t seem me turn the brightest red EVER. Unfortunately Tyler was anticipating this reaction and quickly grabbed me by my waist and picked me up and brought me right back in. I think I went through all the stages of mourning in about a minute. First I was in shock, then I was in denial, then I was ANGRY AS FUCK, finally came acceptance. After calming down I scanned the place and I noticed every person I invited was here along with 20 or 30 people I didn’t invite but was still pretty excited to see. Initially I was annoyed with Tyler because I told him there was no way in hell I wanted to have another surprise party as long as I lived. But I got over that pretty fast because this was actually a lot of fun.

Like I said, the party was fun. Still nobody bothered with logistics. I had limited space for transportation of goods, and an obscene amount presents. Seriously after one turns 14, I really don’t see the point in presents anymore! It took a 4 SUV caravan to get all my shit back to my place. Though I think presents are stupid I did get some pretty awesome gifts! A couple of my friends are disgustingly talented artists and I got some really amazing pieces from them. There were also quite a few of my old sponsors there and I got some kick ass gear for both surfing and snowboarding. I also got gift cards up the butt and am quite sure it will be a very long time before I actually have to pay cash @ a Starbucks, Coffee Bean, or Best Buy!

Once we got home Bradley and I packed an overnight back and drove up to the Tyler’s house. This morning a lot of my family came over and we had a nice birthday breakfast bright and early (6:30am early!). This one was a lot more relaxing and easy to accept because I knew it was coming. Now that I am finally having a moment to let the dust settle I am a little embarrassed over all the attention. I never really quite feel like I deserve it, but I know I know it makes them just as happy as it makes me so I try and dwell on that. I am looking forward to a lazy Sunday and seriously hoping that there are no more surprises in my immediate future because I don’t really think I can handle anymore birthday celebrations.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Be the change!

I’ll admit it, for a second I let all this bullshit get to me. Certain responsibilities from life and this stuff from Prop 8 were weighing me down. I felt like I was on my own when mom and her spawn were tearing into me. I started to have regrets thinking I didn’t really have much time left for my dreams, or maybe I should call them my goals. Unfortunately Bradley knows better than anybody I seldom sleep anymore. Then I think about how I’ve wasted all my time with life’s daily bullshit and deep down I know this time I’m through with it. I can’t go on being angry or upset with my mom or my dad or society trying to fuck with my happiness.

Last night we drove to my hometown to stay with the Tyler’s with about 14 of our (mine and Bradley’s) favorite San Diego people. This morning a few dozen of my closest buddies from my hometown met up with us and we took a chartered bus to the rally in LA. We have made it to quite a few rallies since the 4th, but this one meant the most to me because everybody I knew made it a point to be there with me.

It was hot as balls and I had to pee from the time we arrived there at 9:45 am until we had lunch in Little Tokyo around 3:00pm. About a half hour after we arrived some crazy Christian protesters showed up with their HUGE ASS signs. Yet despite the heat, needing to pee the entire day, and the handful of bastards trying to ruin a truly magical experience, the day was perfect. I have never seen so many people gathered to support a single cause in my entire life, and being there with my friends and family to witness this was very special.

I guess it was kind of bittersweet being there at the rally today. Even though I was inspired by the sheer number of people who showed up to support the cause, knowing everyone was hear to fight for our civil rights was a little disheartening. There were a few speakers that really got to me, and a few speakers that really made me laugh, but with each person who took the stage, I could feel a shift in the crowd as people got more and more excited. It culminated with everybody chanting that we march ending the infinite number of speakers that took the stage. FYI Xena Warrior Princess was the highlight of my day and when she did her little battle cry I screamed like a bitch!

When the marching started we had soooo much fun screaming and singing etc. Mrs Tyler was there with her signs and her HUGE sun hat screaming about equal rights. She even had a button saying she supports her gay son. She made me cry 3 times today, because she made me feel so good about myself I almost felt like I wasn’t deserving of it. Tyler was there with his Heteros for Homos shirt and his arm around me and his HUGE I support my gay brother sign which also made me want to cry like a bitch. Johnny was there with a sign and a shirt, and of course so was my boyfriend. I know I keep saying it, but I am not sure I meant it until now. I really am hopeful for the future, both my future and America’s future.

There was this one awesome super awkward moment about a half hour into the march. We were walking when we passed this dude that looked entirely too familiar to me. Somehow we ended up making passive eye contact and totally do a double take because we simultaneously know how we know each other! We were both TV hosts on obscure cable networks on super testosterone driven stations that probably together get about 3 female viewers and probably as many gay viewers. The first words out of his mouth as we approached each other to shake hands were, “Hey RGB! I’m not gay!”. It was seriously hilarious the way he had this deer in the headlights look on his face. Honestly, him being gay was probably the furthest thought in my head when I saw him, but after he said that I kind of felt a little suspicious… Anyway I introduced him to Bradley, Tyler, and Johnny, and I swear he totally swooned when he shook Tyler’s hand (as all guys & girls do) but I decided to overlook that and we said our goodbyes and continued on our march.

The end result of the day is that I honestly feel like I am not as big of an outsider as I once felt. Society doesn’t hate me as much as I originally thought, and it’s okay to be happy even of things aren’t going as good as they could be. I am ready to smile.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

On my mind

I have been holding off on posting for the last few days to see if I could get a fresh perspective on things. Initially I was pretty upset when prop 8 passed because of what it meant about our state and the people who live in it. It validates people like my mother and it makes them believe they are justified in their point of view because the majority of “the people” agree with them. It’s infuriating because no matter what we say, they will never respect us enough to let us be equal.

My mom let me know she voted yes on 8 when I went up to visit my brother on Thursday. Sometimes I think she is trying to make me feel as shitty as humanly possible. Before my mom became a Christian she never even voted, but after she found Jebus she’s all about the democratic process. Its disgusting because this is how the majority of us think; there is always some cool kid (whether it be the priest at church or the leader of your local union) peer pressuring all the lesser minded losers to do certain things and think in certain ways and people just do it because its easier than thinking for themselves.

I wish more young people would take our government and all of our processes seriously. Most people my age are extremely apathetic when it comes to learning about politics and the issues that affect us. They would rather assume that the government is just fucked up enough to never be fixed but functioning just well enough to assume everything that needs to happen will eventually get done. Let’s face it, not every gay person that was able to vote actually voted. Of course they didn’t want to lose the right to be equal; they just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. Apathy is the problem and it’s hard to not become apathetic when it feels everybody around you doesn’t care. Also its hard to not be discouraged when you can’t even convince your own mother you deserve to be just as happy as any of her other children.

I don’t know what I am trying to say here. I do know eventually I will be considered worthy in the eyes of my peers to have all the rights and privileges that the heteros have, it just feels a little shitty that I need to wait for them. I am doing my best to stay positive and not get discouraged but I think I will need a little time before I stop feeling bitter about all of this.

Side note to “Tyler” (the guy who commented on my previous post NOT my best friend)

Around 60 years ago my grandmother was locked up in an internment camp for being half Japanese while all of her family’s possessions we stolen by looters and government officials. I guess I should be really happy I wasn’t alive then.

35 years ago it was unheard of to have an Asian on television, and even though nothing much has changed on that front you can occasionally catch me on TV if you have cable! So aren’t I lucky for that too!?

7 years ago the first Asian American man was selected to be part of the presidential cabinet and the first Asian American woman was selected a year later.

My point is I am already a minority and I am all too aware of the things in my past and present that are oppressing me. Just because it was worse a few decades ago than it is today doesn’t mean I should be grateful because the omnipotent government decided to throw me a bone. I will NEVER be satisfied until I have EVERYTHING that I deserve as an American and as a human being. I still have a long road ahead of me both as a gay man and an Asian American man. I don’t need anybody telling me just because I don’t have AIDS I should put on my shit eating grin and thank the guy who’s kicking me in the teeth. FUCK THAT! The people who came before put their blood sweat and tears into the hope that this country really is a place where EVERYBODY is created equal. Because of them I have all the opportunities available to me they never did. So I honor them by not looking at my world through rose colored lenses, but instead I see it exactly as it is. I will honor them by picking up where they left off and never giving up on the American dream.

Monday, November 03, 2008


I had an AMAZING Halloween complete with my boyfriend, my friends, and all the alcohol I could handle, and then some. My friends and I decided we were going to dress up as our favorite Mario Kart Characters, and of course we brought the fun! The one awkward thing is Bradley around my friends because of that whole age difference. Between Bradley and I we have a 3 year gap, and between most of my friends and myself there's a 2 to 3 year difference. So poor Bradley had to spend his evening with a bunch of ppl more than half a decade older than he was and sometimes it made things a little awkward. There's all this talk of me "robbing the cradle" but its really annoying because EVERYBODY forgets that I am really not as old as they are!

I woke up Saturday with a massive hangover, but I felt like the pain was well worth the fun I'd had the night before. So I got dressed and soldiered my way south to this teen event I said I would do. It was crazy how they all knew who I was (from that FUCKING TV SHOW!) and I felt super awkward most of the day, but when that all wore off it felt really amazing discussing the ocean with a bunch of kids that I could tell really cared about it a lot. It was a lot of fun to do something like this and I will definitely file that under "kick ass afternoon" in the old memory bank.

Still, after that day finally ended I was EXHAUSTED! I finally started to feel the crazy weeks that preceded me and all I wanted to do was hit the sack. Also Bradley had a match on Sunday and I haven't been able to make it to any of them since the season started and I was starting to feel like a total douche because of it. So I blew off my part in Santa Barbara for some super intense action @ Bradley's event. Sometimes I forget how amazing of an athlete Bradley is because he is so humble and the complete opposite of what you would think a varsity division 1 athlete should be. But watching him out there it makes me realize Brad's quite possibly the greatest man to ever live.

After all the craziness we went home got all cleaned up and then headed down to Hillcrest to represent against prop 8. I know I haven't spent any time talking about this even after all those emails that a lot of you guys have sent me. The reason for me not writing about prop 8 on my blog isn't because I don't care; its just really hard for me to articulate how important this is for me and how crushed I will be if my fellow Californians decide I am unworthy of the equality I know I deserve. Family is the most important thing in the world to me and it scares me to think there is a possibility that in the eyes of the law the man I love will NEVER be my family. As an Asian, an athlete, an (reluctant) entertainer, and a gay man, I have had to struggle to accomplish everything I have earned, but no matter what I was able to make it happen. In this situation right here I feel powerless to do anything but go to the voting booths tomorrow and hope with all my heart my vote matters.

I saw this clip of prop 8 and it really resonated with me because of how relatable his words were to who I am as a minority and as a child of immagrants (though my dad was technically born in an American Teritory and my mother was born in America but made in Europe I still kind of felt like the son he was talking about). Watching him speak finally gave me the inspiration to say what was on my mind on this issue and even though it almost made me shed a tear I wasn't sad. For the first time in awhile I was hopeful. Not because I think everybody is going to listen to that dude from Harold and Kumar and Vote no on 8 cuz he said so! But because his words reminded me that everyday is a new chance to make things better, and even if tomorrow I am told that I am less than I know I am, doesn't mean that opinion will never change. I know in my heart what love, family and commitment are and I will never give up on believing that this is what I deserve.