Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Not your typical gay (2)


4 out of 5 gays agree, I make them EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Sure they like the way I look because I’m pretty! The “idea” of me sort of excites them in a weird fetish sort of way, so in the short term I am quite popular with most of the gays (until they figure out I won’t have sex with them). But when it gets right down to it I am not the kind of guy they invite to their tea parties; because I represent the guy that has made most of them miserable throughout their lives, especially those awkward HS years.

Let’s face it I have been around, “the gays” since the day I was born. From the bitchy uber femme queens to the big bull dykes; I have spent my whole life in the GLBT “community” and the one thing I have taken away from it, is I don’t fit in! It just seems like for a group of supposedly disenfranchised misfits doing our best to fit in with a society that clearly isn’t very excepting of our lifestyle, by asking them to be open minded, our “community” is made up of the most elitist closed minded people around. Myself included!

I get it! We spend so much time dealing with a lot of these negative external stimuli until our minds are in complete sensory overload. The only way to deal with all of it is to close ourselves off and be a little narrow minded. That guy shaves his head, HE’S A NEO-NAZI! That guy has crooked teeth, HE’S POOR AND REALLY STUPID! That guy’s Asian, SMALL DICK!! Etc…

I guess to a certain point all this knowledge of how much I don’t fit in with the “community” perpetuated this delusion that I may not actually be gay for all those years. But to a certain extent I have always been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and the truth is I like it that way. Not only do I have this urge to be different and do EVERYTHING the hard way, but I also have this desire to do it all and make it look easy. So I smile and I pretend I don’t notice the catty gays talking about my overly fake masculine act and how I am probably this hungry bottom. I laugh it off when after the 1000th time somebody asks me if I am sure I am actually gay. And I act like it doesn’t bother me that everybody refers to me as “that dumb jock”.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with me. What other people think shouldn’t be a problem, especially when what they think is so ridiculously off base. I am a CS Engineer, so I am obviously not stupid. I have a boyfriend, so I am obviously gay. And the only way anybody is going to have my ass is if I have at least 5 shots of tequila, 4 months of dating and a declaration of undying love. Even then the chances of me going through with it are slim to none (I have serious control issues!) so I am obviously not a hungry bottom.

I just wish it were possible for all of us to really get to know each other before passing judgment on who we are as people. After you spend a little time scratching the surface, nobody is who they originally appeared to be. Yeah I may be a jock and seem really “straight” to most everybody out there, but there’s so much more to me than that and I am sick to death trying to prove it after somebody has already formed an opinion about me.

However the flipside to this is I can’t be friends with a person that defines themselves by their sexual orientation. To me, being gay shouldn’t even rate in the top 5 of what makes a person who they are. I also think most guys my age let their gayness be the defining factor of who they are as people, and I have no desire to be around guys like that. Maybe I am the biggest problem in my own predicament because of my unwillingness to view people like that as anything but vapid shallow losers. Maybe when it comes right down to it, I am the one in need of the attitude adjustment. I just don’t know…

11 comments:

j said...

i wouldn't be too concerned. most of these gays are just bitter that you can pull off the masculine jock persona while they themselves can barely throw a football 2 yards in front of them.

Trevor said...

You are such a drama queen sometimes. You have plenty of gay friends but you don't realize how intimidating it is to be around you, especially for us gays. You are unnaturally charming and confident and attractive, so for all us bitter queens our only recourse is to turn into catty bitches. I don't know anybody who knows you and doesn't love you, so lets lay off the pity party Mr. Perfect! You are always going to have more straight friends than gay friends because the straight guys have nothing to be jealous about! ;o)

Andrew said...

Nah, you fit into the gay world just fine. You just don't fit into the part of the gay world you think you should fit into. There is another side to the community; those of us who feel like you do, that being gay is not a defining attribute about who we are. It's just a characteristic, like blue eyes or big feet. There is an entire other "community" of gays who like sports, cars, wrestling, drinking beer out of a keg, and hanging out with all kinds of people, straight or gay. It just so happens the breeders outnumber us gays, so odds are we have more straight friends than we do gay ones. Personally I'm ok with that. I have some gay friends, but not a lot. If someone is worth my time, whether they're gay or not shouldn't matter.

As for those "other" gays being "vapid shallow losers", that might be a bit harsh. They just have a harder time accepting their homosexuality and feel they must overcompensate by completely immersing themselves in their gayness. Most of them eventually outgrow this part of their lives and realize being homosexual is not a lifestyle, it's an inevitable sexual orientation, but living the gay lifestyle is a choice. And it's the choice WE gays, those who don't choose to let it define us, despise, and it's what the rest of the world sees and thinks we all exemplify.

So don't stress. I'm good looking and practically perfect in every way. But I don't need to sleep around or define my life by who I choose to love; "love" being the keyword.

Jason said...

What I like about you is how you don't try and conform to all the bullshit happening around you. You are your own man and completely unapologetic about it! I completely agree with Trevor you have no idea how intimidating it is to be around you. There aren't many guys out there who could fit in your shoes. Just so you know, I am honored to be your friend.

John said...

I have a feeling I would be one of those catty bitches talking about you behind your back. Not cuz I would hate you it would be pure jealousy. I am a fag in the purest sense of the word from my swishy wrists to me overly effeminate inflections. I would kill to be you for a day and because of that I completely understand where all those people who hate on you are coming from. Don't take it personally. Its just like preschool when the girls used to beat up the boys they had crushes on.

Anonymous said...

You are just as bad as the fairies you hate. You can't play the victim while acting like the villain. What I see here is just another scared fag and this is what all those so called vapid shallow losers see too! Get over yourself.

Drew said...

I agree, Cannot be friends of people that just define them selves as gay, I am gay but I don't let it define me, I have a gay and straight friends, and again non of us define our selfs as gay or str8.

There are many parts of the gay community, however, there are parts of the groups that are more notice.

secret blogger said...

dude i love ur blog. and very true about everything i said - i think along the same lines. being gay is a part of you - it is not you. and i think the same way - as in i hate people who define themselves by what kind of sex they have - and sometimes i think that im missing out by not sleeping with the next guy that comes my way - cos im very very conservative and wont go around having sex just like that - sometimes i think i am the only one and i will try and make myself be like that but then i stop - reading blogs likes urs tells me that there are people like me. for me sex has to kind of be emotional too. so ya - im not in the gay scene as in i dont go to gay bars and dont wear a thong and dance in a parade - all respects to people who do - cos they are making people aware - but i dont. and if u ever have time - please do read my blog and would love to be friends. my first post is here http://apopulardudessecretlife.blogspot.com/2008/05/and-so-it-all-begins.html#links. do read and let me know. and lets be friends. and this is not a chat up line. lol. let me know what u think.

dan said...

hey favorite blogger bud,
me too.... slim to none!! ha
later.

Neil said...

You have an amazing point of view. I have spent this week going over both of your blogs and it's all pretty amazing. Don't ever feel like there's something you are missing out on being the way you are. The rest of the community should be so lucky to be like you.

Formysake said...

Hey, I guess I am also not your typical gay. I act completely straight and no one really has a clue I am even gay unless I tell them or something.

They might even think I'm against homosexuality. lol.