Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Its Banksy!

Banksy in on youtube! It's hard for me to describe why Banksy is one of the most awesome modern artists in the world, But he really is! Its almost impossible to describe the rush that I get looking at his work, because it is something that only other graffiti artists can truly appreciate. I mean, anybody can look at the work, and get the message behind it, and even understand that time and thought went into designing the art that they are looking at. But there is a rush that comes with actually doing something like this. I have jumped out of airplanes, back packed through 3 continents(I graduated at 16 and I took a year off after my first year in college to figure myself out a little bit!), and have been in more fights (planned matches and tournaments only [well mostly{I used to have a little man's complex}]) than I can remember. Yet I have never been able to top the rush that I get whenever I put up an "RGB" original on my favorite flood control walls! Though this is a phase that I have long since grown out of, it is fun to look at a banksy and reminisce...
This man has the ability to amaze me every time I see what he has done! Even though, he has become completely commercial now, and some would argue that he has become the antithesis of what he once represented, everybody deserves to sell out at some point. I am young enough to stick my nose up to all things commercial, but I am also old enough to know that one day we all need to make a living! He is creative and thought provoking, and a complete mystery to everybody in the world! That is the most awesome thing in the world to me! It's like he's a super hero, but 1,000 times cooler! My ultimate dream would be to meet him for 5 minutes, shake his hands, and then babble for the entire time about how I am the biggest fan that he has ever had! Then I would get all weird and uncomfortable to be around when I start with my speech on how I really "get" him. Because we think alike and that we could be really good friends because we have similar taste, and a cacophony of other weird stalker like statements.
This is a short news report on one of the coolest men on the planet! Artistically second only to Eddie. I hope that everybody enjoys!

I can't complain.

I had an amazing day! Today I went to Chinatown with the two coolest guys in my life, Tyler and Eddie. At first I was very scared about having these guys together because if they didn't like each other, I would be very upset. However, fun was had by all! I had this bright idea to go to Chinatown to pick up a really cool bamboo cane, because I am walking with an ugly ghetto senior citizen cane. And I am so much cooler than the lame ass cane that I have been forced to use as of late! So first I called Tyler, because I haven't seen him in a few days, and I thought that it was time we hung out again. But he had to help his dad out at work, so I called Eddie, and we decided to make an entire day of it. Then an hour later Tyler called and said he was able to get out of going to work with his dad and he wanted to go with me now! I was speechless. I froze on the phone and I think it was like almost a minute before I said something. That minute would usually be where my brain would go into overdrive and I would think up every possible scenario where things could end badly, but instead my mind was as empty as a blond standing next to a fan.
I guess that I was worried because even though Tyler was completely accepting of me being gay, he never actually saw me doing anything "gay". And I was worried that he would be uncomfortable, because I knew that I was going to be. I reasoned with myself that it was going to happen sooner or later, and I might as well suck it up and deal with it now! So I did, and I think that it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made! We had one of the best days that I have had in a very long time, back pain and all!
Tyler drove, so we went to pick up Eddie together. He was cleaning out his car when we showed up, so he finished up and ran over to me and gave me a kiss. I loved the kiss, but I was way WIERDED out that Tyler was seeing this. We all went to high school together, so Tyler and Eddie knew who each other were, but Tyler and Eddie weren't really friends in HS, I wasn't even friends with Eddie in HS. At first the conversation was pretty superficial. We talked about people in high school and what they are doing now. Who we are still friends with, and the people that have died since we graduated, that list was shockingly long.
Eventually I became the topic of discussion, so of course I was completely embarrassed and did my best to change the subject with absolutely no luck what so ever! I have tried my best to block out all of the things that were said, because while I LOVE to give a compliment, I have serious issues receiving them, just like any red blooded Asian man. However when I wasn't being completely mortified by all of this talk, it did feel nice to have these two guys having so many things to say about me.
We arrived in Chinatown around noon, and we decided to grab some lunch before looking for my new cane. At lunch the conversation was flowing so naturally that I just sat there smiling for a little while. I was so happy that my bestfriend and my boyfriend were getting along so well, and that Tyler was completely okay with this situation. I really need to stop underestimating how much that guy cares for me! Eddie left for the restroom, and right when he did Tyler decided that it was time that we have a conversation. He told me that he has never seen me so happy on a date, and that he was happy that I was doing so much better this week. He also told me that Eddie was great and that he could see why I liked him. His approval meant a lot to me because he is my best friend, and I respect him.
Anyway it only took us 20 minutes to find a cane that I liked, so we still had an entire day to kill. I suggested that we go to the Natural History Museum because they have this awesome exhibit right now that I have been dying to see! The exhibit is called "The Mysterious Bog People" .Yes I am a total dork, I know this already! STOP JUDGING ME!!! Whatever, I am over it! We went to the museum and we saw the exhibit, and it was just as good as I imagined it would be. We actually walked through it twice because I enjoyed it soo much. Eddie, being the amazing artist that he is, remembered is sketch pad and drew some of the more interesting displays as we walked by them, because photography wasn't allowed. It was completely okay with me, because his sketches are way better than any lame picture that I would take. I love to watch this guy draw, its one of the most erotic things to me, because I am seriously attracted to this man's talent! We were in the same AP art class in High School, and even back then, when he would really get into what he was doing, I would stop and stare for long periods of time. Its just sexy in a way that I can not explain.
I finally let them leave the museum around 5, and we weren't about to sit through traffic for 2 hours to drive 20 miles! It just wasn't happenning, so we went to Downtown LA to check out Eddie's dad's warehouse soon to be newly gentrified housing lofts. There we ran into a forklift! Like I have stated previously, I have ADHD in a BIG way! I mean I can be completely normal, but if you put a forklift in front of me, all bets are off! So we drove it all over the warehouse, and then when we got bored with that we took turns doing donuts around the utility pillars! So I pulled out my camera, because I knew that this would make an awesome GIF.. Note the tire tracks on the ground, we go fast! REALLY FAST!
The day was great. I couldn't have pictured it going any better than it did. I am about to go to Eddie's house. He has a hot tub in his bathroom, and I am pretty sore from walking around all day. So I am going to go and spend the night as his house again. I am totally high on life right now,I am going to take off and have an amazing night. I just want to thank everybody for all of your comments on my previous post. It deffinitely gave me a few things to think about, and I do understand that I have been hard on my mother, I am going to work on that. Thanks for your input, it was much appreciated.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Its a peace dove!

Right now I can not even express how annoyed I am with all things Christian!! Last night my mother forced me to go to her Christian leaders meeting. I am ashamed to say that I used to be a huge part of this evil organization that represents most of southern California. I got angry almost the second that I walked in. Ever sine I have actually become open to being gay, my blinders have come off to all the things of the world that I once ignored. This includes all of the hateful things that have been said by the self righteous Christian right!
There was only one topic on everyone's mind last night, and apparently it was carried over from the meeting last week! This was how they are preparing a protest of the proposition that is due to be voted on in the California state assembly. They knew that they couldn't stop the passing of the bill, but they could bring lots of negative press to the situation and still have something done about this before it could actually take an effect in our state. Any other day, I would have just sat there with my mouth shut, but everybody kept on engaging me and asking me what I thought about this whole situation and what I think should be done about it. So I finally gave them a piece of my mind! I actually wrote my midterm research essay on this proposition for Human Sexuality, because this will directly affect the mental and social development of both gay and straight teens.
For those of you who don't know, CA state senate just passed a proposition that would make it mandatory for schools to teach GLBT history. On the surface it doesn't seem like much, but there is a huge ripple effect from teens that are learning about this part of history. There is a huge increase in tolerance, and respect for teens that once felt like they were outcasts. GLBT teens feel safer in school, and the teen suicide rate drops dramatically! This is because over 80% of teen suicides are because of "sexual confusion." Once a gay teen decides to come out to someone, that statistic drops almost all the way down to nothing. This bill gives teens the outlet to feel safe about getting these issues off of their chest.
I am emphatically for this proposition, and once they asked me for my opinion I stated as much. I basically told them everything that I put in the previous paragraph, plus more. In the end, someone else said that I should also think about the evil of letting a proposition like this pass, and not do anything about it. Maybe in the short term, these kids will not be harassed, but we only do this by lying to our youth by leading them to believe that this is ok with the lord. He went on babbling, but I basically realized that he didn't really hear what I had to say, so I shouldn't have to try and listen to his bullshit either!
Some how because my mother and Rick Warren are on a first name basis, she is the ultimate authority on all things Christian. I think that she forgot that I know him also, and I was the guy who introduced her to that stupid purpose driven life book first! My mom got up and spewed out some more bullshit. At this point I just wanted to stand up and say, "Guess what everybody! I am a HUGE HOMO!! Last night I spent the evening with this guy and we SPOONED ALL NIGHT LONG!!" The only thing going through my head was that all of these people were ignorant and I wanted to shock them and make them feel stupid for saying such things. Except I didn't say that, probably because I am coward, but also because I knew that it wouldn't make a difference. I would just become another lost soul to them that needed to be prayed for, on my long fall to hell.
Instead I walked out of the meeting, and as I did, I could hear them all whispering about me. They were already judging me and they had no idea what was actually going on in my head! I walked almost a mile before I felt like it was safe enough to stop and call for a ride. I called Eddie, and lucky for me he had just gotten out of a movie and he came right over to pick me up. We went to the beach and we sat in the sand and I told him what happened. I had a good cry, and I am not entirely sure why I was crying, but it felt really good to have him hold me. When I was done we went back to his place and I spent the night. I felt kind of selfish, because everything seems to be about me ever since we started hanging out with each other. So this morning I made him breakfast, mostly because I could not sleep, but also because he deserved it. He is such an awesome guy!
Because of my insomnia, I have been up since 4am. This gave me a lot of free time, Eddie is an artist also, with an AWESOME wacom tablet! Okay let me rephrase that, Eddie is an artist, and I am an art enthusiast. The stuff that he creates blows my mind! That guy is the most creative man that I have ever met! So anyway, I used his wacom tablet and I made a pretty picture! It started off as the peace dove, but then it turned into something else because I was still quite annoyed. I am not sure what I was going for here, but I am pretty satisfied with whatever it is. Its all angsty and what not! Well maybe its not angst as much as it is pure rage and frusturation, but I like the word, "angst" a lot.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Awesome day.

Yesterday went very well. Everybody respected my authority and I was able to teach all of them the things that they would need to know in order to run a class. They were all extremely friendly and easy to get along with. I can tell that its going to be a very easy going summer! Then at dinner I didn't have anything to bitch about, so we just spent the whole evening joking around, it was quite pleasant.

On my way home my leg was on fire! All that sitting really made my pain excruciating. So I stopped in Redondo Beach to visit my favorite holistic remedies store for some emu oil. Its not really emu oil, its basically icy hot, but 10 times stronger, with twice the minty freshness! As I was walking out of the store, I saw Eddie coming out of the barber shop right next door!

For those of you that don't know, Eddie is this guy this cute gay guy I have known for years, and I ran into him on Cinco de Mayo then I totally cock blocked myself with him!

He saw me immediately and ran up to say hi. We talked about what was ailing me, and then we talked about our days. He was planning on going home and watching some movies, and I was planning on going home and rubbing emu oil on my lower back and my leg. We decided to go to his house and combine the two. It was nice, we watched movies and he massaged my leg with the cream every hour on the hour. And he did it a lot better than I would have been able to do myself. Around two in the morning, he wrapped my arms around him, and we fell asleep. It was great. Nothing sexual about it, it was just extremely comforting.

This morning he made me breakfast, and then we ate a delicious meal. After we were done he gave me one more rub down, and we then we went for a walk on the beach. We talked about all sorts of things. I had questions, and he had answers, and he also had a few questions of his own. It was amazing and completely unexpected. I am having problems articulating how special and important last night was to me. I just can not believe how much I have changed in a month. Because this time a month ago I was running away, but now I am not. I am really hoping that this is the beginning of something big. I am off to the AVP finals now!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Training Day

Well it looks like I am going to be spending my Saturday in Westwood. Today is the day where I get to meet my staff. This is going to be really weird being in charge of other people, especially since I am probably going to be the youngest one there... The plan is just to never bring up age, and get right to business, and always nudge the conversation away from any age discussions. I am pretty excited about this whole conference today, because I actually prepared for it! I have name tags for the 5 counselors that are going to be working under me, and I have lots of things to go over; I made a power point presentation and everything! I just hope that nobody asks me a question that I am not prepared for! I hate it when I am trying to learn something new, and then I ask a question about it, and the person teaching it has no answer for me!
Besides the training session that I have planned today, I am meeting a friend for coffee before the session. Then after it is done, I am going with a large group of old friends to CPK. I am very fond of this idea, because I will be able to ramble on about all the things that I am scared I am going to mess up on before hand. Then after it is done I will be able to dissect and overanalyze ever little thing that I felt was done wrong, or could have been done better! Because when it comes to stuff where other people are depending on me, I am a neurotic perfectionist.
Oh yeah! The picture. Ummm I was in a really weird mood this morning, and my little sister was watching Snow White in the den. I was thinking about that cover of the Little Mermaid with the penis castle, and all of a sudden I decided that Snow White needed a strap on. Don't ask me why, because I am not sure... Note the veins, I am very proud of the veins. That is all. And one last thing! At the request of many readers, I have an email address linked to my profile now, so feel free to email me.

Friday, May 26, 2006

I kick high!

Folks, this is why I am never going to get better! I have ADHD in a HUGE way! And I keep on forgetting that I am seriously injured, or maybe I don't forget as much as I just don't care... That's not the point! The point is, I AM IN PAIN AGAIN! hahaha! I went to the beach with a bunch of friends this morning, and my plan was just to sit there and watch everybody surf and then we were going to go to breakfast. It was going well until my friend Mike showed up and we started to horseplay. I took Tae Kwan Do with this dude for 3 years because that's what all the cool kids were doing at the time, but I wasn't into it. When I quit, he kept on going and is now a first degree black belt. I have been practicing Filipino martial arts since I was 8 so that's where my heart is. And when I quit tae kwan do and went back to Eskrima, it seems like whenever we are around each other we are sparring. I win sometimes and he wins most of the time, but its because like everything else, I never actually train hard enough to be the best. Lucy Lui is a Filipino Martial arts practitioner, and she kicks ass, but I just don't have that kind of dedication! Okay I don't know where I am going with this soooo let me think and then pull myself back in....
SO yeah this is a picture of me messing around and jumping in the air with a slipped disc and a damaged sciatic nerve! I is a smart one! Life is good, and I am having fun even though I walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Its a great day outside and once I am finished showering, I am going to drive down to Orange County for the AVP qualifiers. Its going to be pretty exciting, I love beach volleyball. It is soo intense and the guys, WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! I have to work extra hard to not stare, but that's half the fun!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm alright.

A lot has happened since my Monday night freak out. Most of it has been very positive, but I think that I could have lived without the last two days actually happening. After I finished typing my last post, I called my friend Tyler and he came over pretty fast, because he only lives 4 houses away. I told him that I just really needed to get out of the house, so I grabbed my pain killers, my surfboard and a bottle of Patron then we took off. The 5 minute drive felt like an hour because we were completely silent the whole way. He knew that there was something wrong, but he knows me well enough to let me figure out how I want to say whatever is on my mind, instead of pressing the issue. Finally after we pulled up and were getting out of the car I worked up enough courage to begin to tell him what was wrong with me. But words were not on my side. So I turned on his laptop and logged onto my blog and told him to start at the beginning.

After that I took double the prescribed amount of pain killers, and then I downed like 1/3 of the bottle of Patron, I jumped into my wetsuit and took off towards the water. I could not be around him as he read it. I caught my first wave, but when I tried to pop up, my leg could not hold my weight and I fell. So I tried again, but this time I rode goofy, but it didn't matter and I fell again. I got the hint, my leg wasn't about to let me do this even though I couldn't feel the pain, my leg still knew it was there.

I got out of the water and passed out on the beach, because that mix of alcohol and pain killers really kicked my ass! I don't know how long I was out, but the next thing that I remember Tyler was waking me up. We decided on Norms for a 2 am snack, and basically drove there in silence yet again. I was extremely worried that he was about to tell me that he was sorry that I was having a hard time, but we couldn't be friends anymore. Or even worse then that, he would tell me that he hated me more than life itself because I am such a liar. We got a booth and ordered a couple of oreo cookie shakes. Then when the waitress walked away he finally spoke! He told me that he was disappointed in himself for being such a bad friend. I didn't quite understand what he meant by that, then he continued. I don't really want to get into too much detail, but there were tears, and by the time we finished our shakes, I realized that I was crazy for ever thinking that I couldn't trust him. My best friend is WAY cooler than yours!

Oh yeah! One more thing! This is a Banksy. It is one of my favorite things that he has done. It deffinitely puts a smile on my face, but there are many different things that he is trying to say with this. And I am not sure if all of them are positive... But I still like it.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

My world just ended.

My mother just came into my room to talk. She told me that I am hurt because I have not been praying enough, and I have probably slipped from my path. She told me that its time that I start to go to bible study with her because the rapture is coming very soon, and she does not want me to be left behind. She told me that she was going to this bible study on friday and that I should really go with her. I told her that I was having a crisis of faith at the moment and it wouldn't be the best place for me. She went on talking about all sorts of things that I could do to get "right" with the lord. Somehwere in that conversation, she started talking about homosexuality, and how she felt bad for all of them because they were all going to hell. And how she used to be accepting to them until she saw the light. Now that she knows the reality of the situation she will never be quiet about her views on the subject. She said a lot more on the subject, but I couldn't listen to it anymore, I kind of felt outside of my body. I honestly feel like this was even worse than actually coming out to her. This was like a preview of what would happen if I ever did. I started crying and she didn't understand why. I asked her to leave and she did. All that I want to do is go to the beach and jump into the water with my surfboard. But I can't. I can't even get out of my freakin bed. My hands are shaking and my head hurts. I have this awful feeling in my stomache, and I can't stop crying. I honestly feel like she could not have said anything worse to me. I now know that she won't ever accept me as her gay son. This is really turnning out to be a really crappy week. In the morning I am going to call my aunt and have her come over and pack up all of my stuff because I can not stay here anymore. I can't remember ever feeling this sad. I feel very alone.


A few weeks ago I had a really bad fall on my surfboard. It aggravated a very old injury, that has been getting progressively worse for the last 3 or 4 years. Basically my wipeout was the catalyst for pain, because ever since then, my leg/back has hurt twice as much as it did the day before. Well that was until Monday, when I tried to get out of bed and I feel on the floor because I couldn't walk. Lucky for me I just went for an MRI last week and the results came in the very day that I reached the heights of my pain. My sciatic nerve is getting pressure put on it from a misshapen disk that is out of place, I think... I am not sure, because I couldn't concentrate on what the doctor was saying because of the fact that I was trying my hardest to not cry in front of the man because of all the pain that I was in. Anyway, I am not supposed to go surfing for atleast a month, and I am supposed to stay in bed for the next two weeks! I haven't been to the ocean in a week, and I am starting to go through some serious withdraws! I am depressed, I have no appetite, and I can't sleep. A person that didn't know me very well would probably assume that my significant other had just ripped my heart out, and in a way, they would be right! I am pretty devastated at the moment, mostly because I know that I can go a month without a lot of things, like watching TV, going to the movies, even having sex! But I haven't gone a month without surfing ever since I have started. I tried to go surfing but my knee wouldn't support my weight! I am really depressed and I have no idea how I am going to get through this.
It is hard to explain why this is such a big deal. Its just that surfing is a way that I deal with my stress and my extra energy. I get out my aggression and my anger in the ocean. And without an outlet for all of my frustrations, I am just not sure what I am going to do. I am not very experienced with dealing with my emotions like a normal person, because I have always had my surfboard. I am hoping that I can just take up masturbation as my main form of exercise, and stress relief. My mind is pretty much all over the place right now, so I am going to call all of my stoner friends and get completely BAKED. Then I am going to take some muscle relaxers and pass out as I dream about the beach.

Sunday, May 21, 2006


I wrote an entry this morning and I posted it. Upon further thought, I made the decision to pull it... I guess that it was a mixture of me being ashamed of what I did, and just not being ready to have a reminder of last night... I guess that I am a little bit of a coward for it, but I am still not sure how to articulate the events that occurred last night. I mean what I wrote explained the mechanics of what happened, but not the subtext, or the emotion of any of the people involved. Its just to fresh... Maybe in a few days, I will try and tackle last nights events again.
I know that a lot of people have been reading and commenting on my blog, and I thank you guys for all of your support and advice. But I am also pretty excited that no one really commented on what I had to say this morning. I hate to keep on bringing it up and not talking about it. I sound like a freak!
Umm in other news, one of the comments that "perrin" left in a previous post, said that I should get in contact with the guy I spazzed out on in HS. I actually did call him about a month ago. Well I called his cell phone, and his sister answered. Apparently he graduated with his Master's Degree in Education and he is now working with this organization that brings computer technology and education to third world countries. He has been gone for a year and he is coming home in July because he has accepted a teaching position at a school. I e-mailed him, and he does not seem at all annoyed with how ridiculous I acted the last time that I saw him. I think that he can be a really good friend. He has always been a man that I could look up to. When I was younger he was exactly what I aspired to be. I am very happy that he didn't call me a loser and then tell me that he never wanted to speak with me again.
Once again i am sorry for my lameness, but I did make a new picture of self-depreciation and good humor! Because I am a funny guy, and I want you guys to laugh, sooo enjoy...

Friday, May 19, 2006

Life at Sea World

When I arrived at Sea World I was a complete mess, but I went into summer camp mode very fast. It was actually easy and extremely comfortable for me to screw on a fake smile and spend the next three weeks of training getting over what I had just discovered about myself. But on the fifth day of training I met a guy and things changed for me the moment that I layed eyes on him. I worked for resident camp and he worked for day camp. The only difference between our jobs were that he got to go home at night, and I actually lived inside of the park. The memory of me meeting him is still extremely vivid. It was 5 am and I had to wake up early for aquatic rescue training because I am a lifeguard. Out of the 16 resident counselors, I was the only certified lifeguard, so I was the only one that had to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn!

After I struggled with my wetsuit for about a half hour, I stumbled down the stairs and into the park to Dolphin Stadium. Once there I took a seat on the bleachers and the only thing on my mind was how I really should not have played that "March of the Penguins" drinking game with the other counselors the night before! I did not even hear him sit next to me, but then all of a sudden his hand was on my back and he was introducing himself as Danny. He had the most amazing blue eyes that I have ever seen in my entire life. I introduced myself and we spent the next ten minutes talking about aquatic training and how much it would suck to get into that 50 degree water!

That whole morning went by really fast, and half of the people that were supposed to be there did not show up, so we finished two hours early. Danny asked me if I was hungry and I was actually starving, so he offered to take me to breakfast and show me around San Diego for awhile. It was awesome because I had not made a friend this quickly in a very long time. We went to IHOP where we proceeded to eat more pancakes than I thought was humanly possible, and then we went for a walk on the beach. The waves looked pretty nice and I mentioned that I wish I would have brought my surfboard, then he got really excited because he had just started surfing and he wanted someone to go with him. From that day on, we went surfing almost every night! For about a month, that is all that we did.

One night after my fourth bong hit, I worked up enough courage to ask him about his past relationships. He told me that he wanted me to go first, I wasn't even sure if he was gay, but I was feeling good, so I told him that in certain circles I have been known to kiss boys. When i was done he asked if he could kiss me. I was totally caught off gaurd, because that is just not something that one gets asked very often.

After our make out session, he told me that he had wanted to do that since the first day he saw me in Dolphin Stadium, he just wasn't sure if I was gay or not. I knew that he had liked me for awhile at that point. He didn't act very feminine or anything, because that wasn't him, you could just tell that he liked me a lot. I was just not ready to act on anything until I was really high I guess. But from that point on, we didn't surf much anymore, we just did stuff... O man I am still uncomfortable talking about the specifics, but he definitely knew what to do. The rest of the summer went by pretty fast. On the last day of camp I was very sad to say goodbye because I knew that things would not be the same once we left camp. Living at a summer camp is its own microcosm, your perception changes and you live by a completely different set of rules that you wouldn't have anywhere else. We were both staying in San Diego, but now we would be having to deal with the real world. I knew that it was over, but I think that it took Danny a few weeks after camp ended to realize that things weren't the same anymore.

I am very happy that I met Danny and that we shared such an amazing summer, because he showed me that I could be gay and still be a man at the same time. And to be honest that is my biggest fear. That somehow living a life as a gay person makes me less of a man. Since Danny, I have tried to put myself out there and meet guys, but I have been unsuccessful in finding some one that I like. Mostly because I am not entirely sure what kind of guy that I like. I just know that its not some weird pasty white guy that wants me to shave all of my body hair and speak broken english. Not that I have much body hair, but I have worked hard for my 9 chest hairs, and I am not shaving them off! I have tried the whole casual sex thing, and it just doesn't work for me, I need to really know a person before I am intimate with them. That whole craigslist game just isn't for me. I need to meet more gay people to show me what's up. Even though it only lasted a few months, it was nice to finally kiss a guy and not take off and never speak to him again. I think that I deserve a medal for that.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

About me...

I come from an extremely macho environment. When there are a bunch of us in a room, people are always wrestling or yelling or watching some sport on television that I pretend to enjoy. 2 of my aunts are lesbians, and these are also the 2 that spent the most time taking care of me. I was aware of homosexuality long before society tried to convince me that it was wrong or different. My aunt Dana used to date a fly-girl that is now a semi-famous choreographer, and my aunt Lee, used to date a pro-volleyball player that is now a retired pro surfer. So you would think that living in such a lesbian friendly environment would make life out of the closet pretty easy, but its kind of the exact opposite. It is an unspoken law with my family, that being homosexual is okay, just as long as you are a lesbian. My whole family hates gay men. They look down on them and consider them less than human.

The only things that can be agreed upon by my relatives are, beers + bitches = a good time. And for awhile that was okay with me. I could never be as big of a womanizer as my aunt Dana, because there is no way that I could ever see myself slapping a girl on the ass and telling her to go make me a sandwich, but I enjoyed the camaraderie that I shared with my aunts and uncles and their affinity for women. I am not entirely sure how to explain this, but even though I grew up with homosexuality as everyday normalcy, it seemed like women were the only option when it came to relationships. So I never thought about being with a guy.

That is until the day I was actually with a guy. It was a tumultuous time in my life because I was a senior in H.S. rebelling against a lot of the things that had made me "Mr. Popular" . I was hanging out with this guy I met from UCLA, I completely idolized him, because he was the exact guy that I wanted to be! He was this super confident Asian man (of 19 years, I was newly 15 at the time), that had a perfect balance of his Asian culture and American life. He was the guy that helped me to understand that I did not have to lose who I was in order to be successful in life. One day I went over to his apartment to vent about the everyday stresses of being a teenager and how nobody understood me! He was always really good at listening to me and actually making me feel like he was hearing what I was saying. I gave him a hug to thank him, and I guess that it lasted a bit longer than I intended it to, because he finally had to pull away, but when he did, he kissed me.

At that moment I knew I was gay. Besides the HUGE erection forming in my pants, there was this general euphoric sensation that settled over my entire body and for a moment I felt like life was PERFECT! I hadn't even thought about being gay until right then, but with that one kiss I knew this had been what was wrong when I was making out with girls. So of course I left immediately and I never spoke to him again. For a very long time I convinced myself I wasn't into guys and the thing that made our kiss so intense was the fact that I had so much admiration for him because he was such an amazing person. It was pretty easy, because I have this uncanny ability to self delude.

So for three years I went on dating my girlfriend Liz and secretly meeting guys on the internet. Liz is the most amazing girl on the planet. She is smart, funny, drop dead gorgeous, and the most sensitive and caring person that I have ever met. I was with her on and off for three years (Even though we only dated for 3 years I had known her for over 8 years!), and I just kept getting more and more depressed, and I could not figure out why. Everything in my life was going very well, and nothing was happening to make me upset. After a very long while I was finally able to realize that I was upset because I knew that if I couldn't desire a girl this amazing, girls weren't for me. I broke up with Liz, and even though I didn't desire her sexually, I really loved her. It was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do, because I couldn't even be honest with why I wanted out of this relationship. This is also the time in my life where equating myself to a common slut would probably be the most accurate description of myself at that point in time.

This is getting ridiculously long, I am going to have to finish the rest of this in my next post. Stay tuned kewl kats! O and a little about the picture! I took this picture when I first got my tripod a few years ago. I set my camera on a timer and I tried to take a picture of myself where I was perpendicular with the ground, but I couldn't get it right! Then I went home and I uploaded these pictures to my computer and I liked what I saw. This picture reminds me that I can set out to achieve a goal, and even if I fail, there is always something to be gained from the experience.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Some blog worship.

I was reading my favorite blog on the interweb, Debriefing the Boys , and I realized something. Matt is the coolest most insightful guy that I have never met. The way that he is able to organize and articulate his thoughts make his message very easy to understand and empathize with. I like to read what he has to say because he makes me feel a lot less crazy and alone. I was reading his post, about reasons on why he should come out. And there were like 2 seconds where I thought that I was going to cry, it was just such a poingant paragraph. He was talking about the future, and how he has never actually taken an honest look at it, and that really got to me because I do the exact same thing when I think about my future, or tell people what I see in it. It was like he was peering into my brain, except I would not have been able to express my feelings in such a raw and open way. I guess the most important thing that I got from his blog, is that there are poeple out there that are a lot like me, and are going through very similar situations. I really need to stop being so narcisitic because I am not the unique snowflake that I once thought I was. I know that we (Matt and I) are the same age, but he seems like he is more wise and experienced than I am when it comes to life. I would love to pick that guys brain. I dedicate this graphic to Matt, I made it about a year ago when I was feeling isolated because of the things that I was thinking about and the things that I was going through. I like to take a picture when I feel like I am going through something that I might want to remember later on in life. I can look at any picture that I have ever taken and remember every detail about the day I was having and the way I was feeling about it. By the way, the angel is a banksy original, that dude is my favorite artist. Anyway this is a picture of an ocean oil drilling center. However the people that lived along the beach, felt that it was very ugly. So they built this front to the ocean drills, and made the island apealing to the people that would look at it from the beach. Its all just one big fancy facade that the people felt like this place needed because nobody wanted to deal with the reality. Basically that island is in the closet as much as I am.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Your brain on words...

Berod so I deciedd to sohw erevyobdy that it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpelnig was ipmorantt! taht is all paece and gearse ddues!!

Andy Milonakis is OLD!

There is NO WAY that Andy Milonakis is 30 years old!!! That is freaking me out! He's like a mutant white boy WEBSTER!! And what is worse is that everybody on the planet seemed to know this but me! Was this just a huge government conspiracy to keep me in the dark so that one day when I finally did figure this out I would just totally spaz!? I mean don't get me wrong, I can not stand Andy Milonakis! I think that he is a total waste of space, and the fact that he is famous really speaks volumes about modern pop culture. BUT 30 years old!? WTF MATE!?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Moral victory???

After I was done posting last night, I looked up who was going to be in my heat the next day. Once I saw who my competition was, I knew that I was not going to make it to round 3. There are 4 people in each heat. Now of the 3 others in my heat, Two of the poeple live and train at the Volcom house year around, and the other guy is this Australian surfer that I have read multiple articles about in a plethora of surfing mags! I didn't have a chance of moving on, and I felt bad for the other three guys, because they all deserved to go onto the next round, but only 2 of them were going to make it. SHOCKER! I came in last! It wasn't a disapointment though, because I actually put on a pretty decent performance. I caught some awesome waves, I tried out a couple of things that I have been kinda sort of working on for a while, and I had fun! I definitely feel like the other guys I was out there with, were totally pushing me to surf better and harder than I would have if I were on a different heat. What lost this competition for me was the fact that I was against people that were dedicated to this sport, heart and soul. They sacrifice every waking moment of thier lives gaining the technical skills and grace that no one can fake, no matter how much raw talent they might have. I was in awe just being out there with guys that have so much drive and dedication . It was a great day and I am proud to be a surfer.

First day of the tournament

Well kids, I came, I saw, I finished second in my heat. YAY! Plus I got to see a bunch of great people that I haven't seen in a very long time. There was awesome food, and lots of people to tell me how great I was until i finished @ the bottom of the qualifiers for the day! Well there's always 2morrow... I think that my sponsor is probably going to drop me soon if I don't start competing more, So I'd better do very well tomorrow if I don't want to have to start buying my own board shorts and sandals! Anyway I have to be up in about 8 hours so I am going to stop this... Wish me luck!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Surfing Championships...

Well I qualified at the end of last year to compete in this tournament, and I RSVP'd thinking that if I want to go, I would and if I didn't, I wouldn't. However the tournament is today, and I really want to be there, but I just haven't been trainning the way that i should if I wanted to win this or even be just a little bit competitive. Plus I am slightly injured from my fall earlier his week and I just wouldn't be bringing my A game. Its funny how I do this every year though. Something always happens or comes up right before I have a chance to really show what I am made of. I think that its a mixture of me being too scared to really put myself out there, and just having really bad luck. I just feel like when you win a tournament like this, you are under a microscope, they want to know things about your life that you just don't want to talk about. Well atleast things that I don't want to talk about. If I were straight I would totally be a pro surfer, but as a closeted gay guy, I just don't have the courage to put myself out there with a huge "I like guys" bumper sticker on my forehead. I should have chosen a sport with more clothing in it, so guys wouldn't feel so uncomfortable around me because they think that I was checking them out, like golf!! Why couldn't I have been a really good golf player!?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


I can't sleep because I have all of this extra energy from being stuck in my room studdying all day, and I can't surf to burn of the energy, because I haven't gotten a new surfboard yet!! SO instead i went to the beach and took some pictures. This is a picture of my favorite pier that I surf next to at night. After I got bored taking pictures, I went for a 45 minute jog, and i came back to my room and did like 100 sit ups, but I am still not tired!! I just really need to go surfing! Its become a part of my routine before I go to sleep, and now I can't sleep! I am going to be such a cranky little boy when the sun comes up, and I have like 2 finals tomorrow! I am using way to many exclamation points! Also I am noticing that i am typing the word "sleep" a lot! I just feel like every sentence that gets typed at 3:45 in the morning needs to be thought of with a sense of urgency. Spanking the monkey is on HBO right now, and that movie makes me really uncomfortable. But I can't find the remote to change the channel so I need to end this (its probably not going to make much sense anyway![again with the exclamation point!]) and get up and change the channel manually.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

wipe out!

I got my ass kicked by the Pacific Ocean! O man I totally got rocked! I am in a hell of a lot of pain right now. But I am even more sad about my board! We had some really good times together. She was only a year old and i was just getting to know all of her little quirks. It took me so long because i am a longboarder at heart, my surfboard was finally starting to feel like an extension of myself. She was the only girl that I have ever enjoyed riding so freakin much! Everyone please take a moment in silence for my baby, she will be missed.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I have a job.

So I just found out that I got this job that I was up for! I am going to be spending the summer at UCLA teaching teenagers how to design graphics and build websites. This is going to be an odd job for me because while I am very good at creating things on the computer, with illustrator, photoshop, and flash, I am not the greatest when it comes to Java and HTML... I am definitely more of an artist, than a programmer, but I am sure that I will figure it out. After all I am Asian, and according to everyone else, my people know everything! I guess that I just need to figure out how to tap into that inner asian of mine. Damn my white washed lifestyle! In other news i am super annoyed with this super bush right winged christian america that we are currently living in. I had an incident that I would rather not talk about... Bush people suck, in every way that phrase can be used! But I am done stressing out about all of this stuff, I just quit my job at abercrombie and I won't have to pretend to flirt with the customers just so that they will buy clothes anymore! Life is good. I won't have to worry about going to work for an entire month, and now I can fully devote myself to watching television and eating @ In & out!... hahaha anyways i have to go now.

Wasting time...

I still hate photobucket, so I converted to youtube and now my clip is working properly! Enjoy.

Hmmmm... Photobucket is stressing me out as of late. Believe it or not, the sound is supposed to match the picture, but photobucket is stupid!! Anyways this is what I end up doing, when I have a 20 page paper due 2morrow morning and I haven't started it. Does anyone else notice how you can have all the time in the world to do something just as long as it has absolutely nothing to do with what you actually need to get done!? I think that I am going to go and make a cartoon in flash now.

Friday, May 05, 2006

I am so lame!

Sooo ummm yeah... The party kinda ended early when a couple of my friends got in a fight with sum angry rancid fish tacos and totally got their asses kicked! Just so that everybody knows, in case you didn't... Vomitting guys are really gross! Even if they do have six packs and tans all over, its still really really gross to have to hose the vomit off of your friends. Since the party ended really early, I drove everybody home and then I went to the store for some Ben and Jerry's for soemthing to snack on as I watched whatever awful movie playing on HBO. But of course since that is what I planned on doing, that's not exactly what happened! I ran into a person that I knew in high school. Lets just call him eddie, anyways he's openly gay and he's that nerdy hot that I really dig. Tonight he was looking really really good, so I walked past him psychicly screamming his name, and just as I walked by him he called out my name! I turnned around and looked at him like I wasn't sure who he was, then slowly I gave him the impression that I was remembering him. We talked for like ten minutes and I did my best to let him know that I wanted him without actually saying that I did, then he asked me if I was dating anyone. It was such an easy question! All that I had to say was no, and we could have totally went for a walk on the beach, or back to his place... But no! I told him that I had a girlfriend! I told him that things were going great and that it was awesome to see him, and then I walked away feeling like a complete douche! If he were a complete stranger living in San Diego, I don't think that I would have a problem closing the deal. this was just to personal and WAY to close to home, and I just wasn't ready for someone that I knew to know that about me... I feel like crap now. I wish that I hadn't come to LA this weekend, its only friday and I already want to jump off a cliff, which is really easy to do, because I live on a peninsula!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Home for Cinco de Mayo!

Yesterday I drove home after my last class so I could go to this huge party one of my friends is throwing for Cinco de Mayo. I love having an excuse to drink! Anyway this morning i woke up at 5:30 A.M. to catch the morning surf and this was the view from my front lawn. Its wierd how you can see something a million times, and never actually see it. I love my home so much, I don't think that I can ever live anywhere else in the world because I have been spoiled with my life by the ocean. Right now i am living only 100 miles south of my actual home, yet there's nothing like this view in stupid san diego! Anyways i just wanted to share the fact that there's nothing like catching a sunrise when you weren't really planning on it...Only two more weeks of school and then I can come home to this.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Smart guys are hot!

I think that I have fallen madly in love with Anderson Cooper. I guess that I have always thought that he was cute, but recently I was watching him on TV and he totally OWNED this stupid red necked loser and it really turned me on! Nothing does it for me more than a smart guy with a really nice body! What can I say? I am a sucker for the nerds! It really turns me on when a man that can sit there and tell me why, e^(i*pi)+1=0, and not even break a sweat! Yeah okay i might be a little bit of a closet nerd, but I'm in the closet about a lot of things these days. Anyways I am digressing... Back to Anderson, like I said, I love a nerd. That maschievous smile, that facitous attitude and that hair! He is just seriously really hot. And what can be sexier than a Jeopardy Champion!? This dude is totally the type of guy that makes me melt. I think that he is a very unique journalist that wears his heart on his sleeve and he seems to genuinely care about the world and all of its plight. Also I have been reading lots of Anderson facts as of late, and there is a huge chance that he might be gay also. People call him the most openly closeted gay man in the public eye. So we have a few things in common if that's true! Wow okay i am a total dork and I am going to stop now...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Fun with a Copy Machine!

Today i accidentally locked my keys in the car, which is wierd, becuase before today, I thought that locking my keys in the car was somewhat impossible. I have the kind of car that you can only lock from the outside once all the doors are closed. If you lock all the doors and then close a door, all the doors automatically unlock! However, I was putting groceries away in the trunk of my car, when my keys must have slipped out of my pocket and into the trunk. Now here comes the tricky part, because at this point my car is already unlocked because that's the only way to open the trunk. HOWEVER, if you do not promptly open the door within the allotted time that my car gives you, my car automatically locks again. So i shut my trunk and then the car automatically locks itself up because I haven't opened the door yet!! Now i am locked out of my car and my spare set is about 100 miles away. So I call AAA, and they tell me that they wil be out there in about an hour and a half!!! So what's a boy to do with an hour and a half to kill!? GO 2 KINKO'S!!! The above picture is what you get when you combine your sea world employee ID card with a 5 dollar bill, your favorite black ball point pen and a yellow high lighter [hi-ligher?].


I just saw the most awesome movie EVER! Well okay maybe not the most awesome movie ever, but any movie that can make ME feel that uncomfortable has to be FUCKEN great! It seriously is the dirtiest joke ever, and I am not even going to attempt to tell it because I just don't have the life experience to do this joke justice. I think that I will be ready in about 20 years if I am lucky enough to do a nickle in the state pen at some point in my life... Okay I am going to go and check on my wetsuit and see if its dry and then I am off to the beach for sum afternoon waves. later!