Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Later!


I haven't been writing this blog for very long, but it honestly feels like a million years ago when I started it. I never realized that I was capable of changing so rapidly. Yet here I am 5 months later and I am a completely different person. The odd thing is that I have changed in so many ways, and though my sexuality wasn't even close to being the biggest change in my life, it was certainty the catalyst for everything that came afterwards.

I am sitting here with Eddie in San Diego. We just went over my entire blog, and we had a lot of fun reading through my life and all of my craziness over the last few months. He has never seen my blog, though he knew I was writing it. I just wasn't ready for him to see it until right about now.

Last Spring I was struggling with a lot of things in my life. I was confused about who I was and where I fit in. Though I never was able to verbalize these feelings, I contemplated suicide almost daily. In the beginning I need this blog because I was to proud to let any of my friends know how much pain I was in. Writing these words down and letting strangers into my life helped me to find a way to open up to the world without ever getting hurt or having any real consequences to deal with.

For awhile it worked out great for me. Then things started to change really fast in my life. I found Eddie, I came out to my best friend, and I started dealing with this stupid back injury from hell!! All these things were issues that forced me to let people into my little private bubble.

Somewhere about a month into this blog people started reading it. I guess that I had always had a few dozen readers a week, but very suddenly I had a few hundred readers a day. Then a few weeks later my numbers doubled. All of a sudden this tiny little online journal had taken a life of its own and I was completely intimidated by what I had started. However I continued writing because I was still not confident in myself and my ideas and writing gave me the confidence to appear confident (think about it! It makes sense in my head.)...

This summer my great grandmother passed away. When this happened I was devastated in a way that I can not even explain. My first impulse was to write about it, but then I changed my mind and I turned to my friends. This was the first time in my life when I didn't internalize something this huge and pretend like everything was okay. I was a mess and I was completely okay with letting the people that love me see it. I think that this was the turning point in my life. It took me 20 years to figure it out, but I finally learned that no man is an island.

This is around the time that my posting schedule started to become extremely erratic. All of a sudden I realized that I had all of these people around me that wanted to support me with the things that I was going through. And all of a sudden I was completely willing to let them do so. With all of these people in my life, posting became a chore instead of an escape.

I thank all of you for following my life so closely. I have discovered so much about myself and what I am capable of from all of you. There was something about my blog that attracted you guys to me. All of you guys found something that you could relate to and that makes me happy. This blog became a forum for everybody to share their thoughts and experiences with me and each other. Because of all of you I was able to open my eyes to a world that I had never experienced. Everybody that came to my blog brought their own unique feelings on ideas on life, and they were all helpful.

All of you guys still in the closet have shown me a reflection of myself. All of the things that you fear and all of the things that you look forward to. I now know what if feels like to be on both sides of this and I am grateful for everything that you guys have contributed. Don't lose touch with me because I am not writing this blog anymore!

All of you guys just starting life out of the closet have shown me what I can look forward to very soon. You guys give me the most hope because I feel like I am almost there! Though I have come out to a couple of family members and a couple of friends, I kind of feel like I am living my life half in and half out right now.

Finally there's the experienced older guys. You guys have shown me the way. I have corresponded and met with a lot of guys out there that have seen it all! You guys have opened my eyes to the world and made me realize that I could have it all if that's what I really want. Your wisdom and compassion has made me secure enough in myself to be able to really open up to the people around me.

So now I say goodbye. I am definitely not done with becoming the man that I know I can be. But I am ready to start doing so in a completely different way. Unfortunately that would include me not blogging anymore. It's was too easy for me to internalize everything in my life and taking on the world all by myself. I guess that I am just trying to figure out a way for me to start depending on others more aand myself less.

This picture is of me. I took it on a tripod using a timer all by myself. It's a great picture, but like everything else from this part of my life, its very lonely. I am hoping that this picture can be left here as a reminder of everything that I am trying to move away from.

Later!

80 comments:

Asher said...

Well I am going to miss you. Reading your blog has become a part of my daily routine. I am going to miss your insightful words and going on a journey with you as you discover soo much about yourself.

I am also very happy for you. It really seems like you know what you want in your life now. I wish you luck dude, and I am sad to see you go.

Craig said...

I am very surprised that you are ending your blog. I kind of thought that you were finally starting to figure yourself out and things were just starting to get interesting for you.

I wish you luck in figuring things out, but I would be a loser if I didn't tell you how much I am going to miss reading your blog. You are an amazing guy. Thanks for sharing your life with me.

Charles said...

I miss you already! :-*( You write an amazing blog. I hope that you will reconsider and come back later.

WhiteflameNZ said...

You will be so missed!! I too have added reading your blog to my daily routine. Its one of the few that even if I am incredibly busy I always make time for.
I truly hope you find what you are after in life and that everything works out for you. I will still be in the same place for the forseable future at least so remember to stop by.

Carl said...

I have always been impressed with you and the way that you choose to deal with your life. There's something about you that makes me feel like you are going to succeed at anything you try.

I am going to miss reading about all of your accomplishments and I wish you all the luck in the world. You truly deserve to shine.

Aaron said...

I can't believe that you are going away! I am really going to miss reading your words. You are an amazing artist and an insightful writer. Your ability to look at yourself with such an honest eye is an amazing gift. I am going to miss it.

Good luck with whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish. I hope that you are going to be happy with your new life.

George said...

An artist, an athlete, and an Asian. You are everything that I want in a guy. It was nice of you to let me into your life through your blog. You are a terrific soul. Good luck with life!

Rick said...

I am an athlete and I have been reading your blog for quite awhile. I love the way that you have chosen to deal with your sexuality and your career. You have really helped me with my life by telling me about yours.

I think taht you are one of the bravest guys that I have ever known. I am going to miss your blog, but I am okay with it because I made a new friend. You are an amazing guy. Good luck with your new journey!

Brad said...

It would seem that the star that burned the brightest burned out the fastest. I will be very sad to see you go.

Thanks for contributing your words with the world. Good luck with your new path in life.

Jason said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jack said...

I can not believe that you are done blogging! I love your blog and everything that you talk about in it. I am really going to miss reading your thoughts. I hope that you are able to find happiness in your life, I am impressed with your life so far. Thanks for sharing.

Joey said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now, I don't think I've left you a comment before. But seeing as this is the end of a very enjoyable experience of letting us gain an insight into your life. I couldn't just close the blog for the last time without leaving some sort of comment. So, I hope that you will succeed with your ambitions in life and continue having a happy relationship with your boyfriend who sounds like a totally great guy. :)

Have a nice life ;]

Greg said...

I am really going to miss your blog. Good luck with all of your future goals.

Anonymous said...

geez, ur one of the most sensible bloggers out there and the one i can totally relate to(being asian and gay). well, i guess this is bye for now. I guess u already know that ur an amazing person. Stay cool! Peace out! Good Luck!

Josh said...

I am very sad to see you go. You have always been able to look at the world in such a unique way. I love reading about whatever it is that you are up to, because you always find a way to approach the situation completely different from everybody else!

You are a talented and creative artist and athlete. It was awesome to get to know you through this blog, and then later in person. You rock dude!

Trevor said...

My hero! I think that you are making a great decision. Just know that I will always be there for you.

Darren said...

I am a guy that struggles with my gayness because I am an athlete. We have corresponded quite a few times, and I am going to miss reading your words on this blog, but I think that I have found a friend in you. So I don't think that this is a goodbye. But I am still sad that you are not going to be writing this blog anymore. You are an amazing guy!

Matt said...

I can not believe that you aren't going to write this blog anymore! I am missing you sooo much and you just posted yesterday! Good luck with everything that you are tryinng to accomplish. I know that you can do it.

You have always been a huge inspiration to me. I have always been able to relate to most of the things that you talk about. You are a very talented guy, and I feel like I am saying good bye to a friend.

Marc said...

I am shocked that you are no longer going to write this blog. BUt I also understand where you are coming from. I hope that you will eventually come back to writing though becuase you are a highly inteligent guy.

Good luck with whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish! You are an awesome dude.

Brady said...

You are beyond cool. Good luck with your future goals. I will miss reading about your life.

Anonymous said...

Good bye and good luck!

Kai said...

You are a very interesting guy. I have been reading your blog since you started it. Your life has been something that I have become accustomed to reading almost everyday. I hope that you are going to be able to accomplish the things that you are trying to. Good Luck with life in general and thanks for sharing so much with all of us.

Bob said...

Thanks for being brave and writing this blog as long as you did. It was great to read and you are an amazing guy for writing it. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope that you are able to have the fun and happiness that you are looking for.

Todd said...

Sigh... Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Jordan said...

You have changed an evolved into an amazing guy over the last few months. These changes were inevitable, you just had to believe that you were capable of making them. I am so impressed by everything that you have accomplished and the way that you have gone abou tdoing it. You are truly amazing and I am going to miss this blog soooo much!

Keep on truckin!

Shawn said...

You impress my so much just by the way that you live your life. I hope that you continue to take risks and make the bid decisions with the same level head that you take to writing this blog. You are amazing! Good luck dude.

Rodney said...

I know that you wrote down that you have learned a lot from all of the people that have read your blog. But I hope that you understand that what you had to contribute to all of the people that read your blog was a thousand times more important! You are an inspiration to me and a lot of other people out there. Thanks for making me realize that I am not alone out there.

Anonymous said...

You'll be back!! But until then, good luck!

Later!

Carey

Martin said...

You are awesome. I am sad to see you go, but it sounds like you know what you want out of life. I am happy that you are excited about this new path. Good luck dude!

Gage said...

I think that you are an amazing guy. I really look up to you as a man. I know that I don't really know you, but the way that you choose to deal with things and the way that you present yourself is really awesome. It's a lot like ho wI wish that I could be and hopefully how I will be when I am your age. I am kind of sad that you aren't going to be around to blog anymore because I honestly get a lot from all of your words. I have written to you a handful of times and everytime that I did you have written back. I can tell that you really took the time to think about what you were saying before you sent it, and that meant a lot to me. I wish you luck with all of the things that you are trying to accomplish. I know that you can do anything that you really want to do. Thanks for being such a cool guy to look up to.

James said...

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever have a spare half hour and nothing better to do, don't stop yourself from posting!

Good luck with life.

Richard said...

Your blog will be missed. Cheers dude. Good luck.

Brad said...

You have so many things going on in your life right now, and I was really looking forward to seeing how things would turn out for you! But it really seems like you have things figured out for yourself. So good luck and know that I will be thinking about you.

Darren said...

You are awesome!
I am going to miss reading your blog. Good luck with life.

Gray said...

Truly, for some reason, I felt this coming on. Writing a blog can definitely become a chore.

I'll join the chorus of writers that say you will be missed. I congratulate you for attaining a spot in your life where you feel comfortable. I will miss your attitude on life and your logic when handling life's difficulties. Although you have not come out to your family yet (except, of course, your aunts), I know you will be able to handle the situation when and if you (ever) do take that step!

Your dear boyfriend (Eddie) and your very good and trusted friends will be there for you when you need someone to talk to. That is priceless!

I would like to make one selfish request; that being: please consider starting a web page for your artwork and your photographs. I'm really going to miss your artistic talent!!

Good luck in all you do. Good luck and God speed with your life!

Antoine said...

geezz...u juz made me cry...surely be missing you much muchly....
be back soon alright?....
meanwhile...keep safe and enjoy life!

Godbless =)

Ian said...

You are such a talented guy! I can't figure out what you can not do. But I am sure that its very little.

I am going to miss your blog sooo soo much. You are just soo funny and insightful. The way that you view the world and cope with your problems completely blows my mind (in a good way!).

Good luck man.

Long said...

yeah, you are kind of a big deal. Well of course I think that you are a talented artist and an amazing surfer, but the thing that has always impressed me is how freakin cool you are. You never even had to go out and say it. It's just painfully obvious in the way you talk about life.

People like you always do well in life, and I wish you luck. You are amazing, so don't ever change.

Dash said...

You write one of the most amazing and insightful blogs on the internet. I am very sad that you have decided to stop. Don't lost that flare for life that you have. You are a very special person.

Good luck with everything dude. You will be missed tremendously.

Haleigh said...

I just discovered your blog in the last month. I think that you are an amazing guy. I know that you are going to have an awesome life, but I wish you luck anyway.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Fred said...

You are an amazing guy. I am going to miss so many different aspects of your blog. You are the most creative and talented guy to write a blog in a very long time. I hope that things work out for you.

Jason said...

I aspire to be more like you everyday. Now I am never going to get to see where you are going in life. How am I going to mimic you!?

Good luck with figuring things out though. I will miss you a lot.

downunderpants said...

Its an end of an eira. Its been fun chatting to you even though sometimes I made you cry, but I think we've had a few laughs along the way. I know that you will go a long way, your head strong and determind so not much will stop you. It's a sad day for the blogging world but a great day for the rest of the world.

You have my email address so don't forget about little old D.U.P!!

All the best Eric!!!

Nathan said...

Sad to see you go. I hope that you come back soon!

exalen said...

Every end is a new beginning.

This was one of the more interesting blogs in the blogosphere, and thanks for the contribution. I know my Saturday mornings are going to be a little less now that's you're leaving, but that's the way it is somtimes.

Good luck with everything. :-)

Michael said...

Part of me is very sad, because I was definitely enjoying the view in this little window into your life.

Another part of me is glad for you. We all evolve, and you have evolved past the part of your life that you felt compelled to share with us.

And if those thoughts of suicide ever return, just know that you have a lot of people out here who care a lot about you.

Be safe.
Be well.
Safe journey.

Charles said...

I haave never been able to relate to a blog the way that I was able to relate to yours. I am happy for you because it really seems like you have found a place where you can be at peace. I am just really going to miss this blog because there are just soo many aspects of your writing that bring me comfort and hope. Good luck with everything taht you are trying to accomplish. I know taht you will succeed.

Gabe said...

I only found your blog a few weeks ago. But since then I have went through your archives and read every single one of your posts. You are such an insightful guy. I was really getting into what you were putting out there. I am sorry that you have decided to end this blog. You are a talented an creative guy, and I will miss your words.

Kai said...

I am shocked! I don't understand how anybody as talented as you are could think that this blog is work! You are too cool. I hope that you find what you are looking for, but know that you will be missed.

Anonymous said...

You really need to rethink this whole no more blogging thing! I think that this is a HORRIBLE decision on your part! LOL. Kidding. I am just really sad that I won't get to have anymore insights into a world that I won't ever really know. I think that you are a brave and creative guy. I know that you will have an awesome life, I am just sad that I won't be reading about it.


K.C.

Jason said...

I guess that I keep on thinking that you are going to come back and start blogging, but you don't!

I hope that you are enjoying your life and stuff.

Jordan said...

I didn't start reading this blog until after you had stopped writing it. I read you last post and then I decided to go back into your archives and read a few posts at random. I was hooked immediatley! By the time I was done reading all of your posts I reread your last one and all of a sudden I was all broken up about the fact that you weren't going to blog anymore!

Its crazy how you can totally know that something is coming yet still be completely shocked when you come to the comclusion that you always knew was there. Thanks for sharing, it meant a lot to me.

Kai said...

I really miss you. I have this huge hole in my schedule where I used to read your blog. I am going to have to stop checking your blog because this is just sad. I hope that all is well for you.

Craig said...

You are really brave for the way that you put yourself out there. I have followed your blog very closely for the entire time that you ahve been posting, and this is a very sad day for me because I was always very impressed with your thoughts and reactions to situations. Good luck with whatever it is in life that you try to accomplish, I know that you can do it.

Brian said...

I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I am going to stand for once I get the courage to stand for something. But I wanted to thank you becuase you have given me an idea of the kind of person that I want to be.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions. You are one of those guys that will always be inspirational in everything that you do.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me smile and giving me hope. I'll miss you.

Kai said...

Your blog said updated, but when I came to look I see that it's been gutted instead! I feel cheated, and this is all because of you.

I am going to go and sit in the dark being super depressed. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

^^^^^^^ what he said!

Anonymous said...

I was only half way through your blog when it all disapeared. Sorry to see it go like that. I hope that you change your mind and repost all of your old ones.

Josh said...

I miss this blog soooo much! I hope all is well. You are great.

Anonymous said...

freakin beautiful man. You are an amazing writer. I am sad that I never got around to reading the rest of your blog. I hope all is well and you are getting the things out of life that you are looking for.

aaron said...

When I first read this post I did not comment on it becuase I wasn't sure what I could contribute to it. But It seems like most people that commented didn't really have much to say except goodbye. SO I want to say goodbye also. You are a great guy and have a lot to offer the world. I am happy for you that you are at the point in your life where you can move on with confidence. I wish you luck and hope that everything is going well for you.

Bob said...

I have never been a popular guy, or the guy that all of the other kids wnated to be around EVER. But reading your blog I got to see that everybody feels alone and there are just as many problems in your life (if not more) when you are surrounded by people. Thanks for being the guy that was able to open my eyes and see that I should be happy with me.

Carlos said...

I have read this last post of yours a few times and I am sad that I did not find your blog sooner, because it looks like there was a lot of interesting things in it. Is there any chance you can bring back the content?

Monty said...

I love that picture on your header! It's like so full of meaning depending on how you want to take it. You are such a good writer. I too wish that I could have discovered your blog earlier. You are such a good person and you are capable of amazing things. Good luck with life outside of the blogging world.

Anonymous said...

I miss your blog

Chad said...

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a blog that everybody reads. I guess that it would be a good thing and a bad thing. As it was for you. I think that its great that you were able to find what you were looking for though. It's a good thing when one finds what they are looking for.

TOm said...

I was just wondering if you were ever able to post all of your pictures on a website. OR if you decided against it...

Anonymous said...

There was a certain degree of positivity and class that you brought to your blog that is lacking in the bloging world in general. I miss it a lot.

Marc said...

I don't understand what's so bad about blogging! I miss reading about your life even though we we still talk. It just gave me something to do when I was bored! I think that you should just come back and start blogging again. It's what all the cool kids are doing!

Anonymous said...

Stick a fork in me, because I am done!

Josh said...

I miss this blog...

Anonymous said...

good boy! you put your blog back up. why dont you keep writing. use it as a journal. u don't have to write everyday, once a week will be enough!

Shane said...

You are an amazing write with a lot to say. I honestly haven't seen your blog until today when it was on Best Gay Blogs. But I am very sad that I missed out on something that looks truly amazing! You are a great guy and I hope that things are working out for you the way that you wanted them to.

Trent said...

I don't think that I could explain to you how amazing your blog is. You have a very easy going style to your writing. I hope that you will reconsider your choice about writing because you have a gift. I hope that you are enjoying life after blogging.

Anonymous said...

Is that San Francisco?

Randy said...

I can't get over the fact that I haven't seen your blog before today! You are an amazing guy with a great sense of who you are. I am soo sad that I didn't get a chance to read your blog when there was more to it.

Catigula said...

I just started!!!

http://closetcat.blogmaker.com

Barry said...

I didn't actually find your blog until after you started to write it. I am sorry that I came to it soo late though because you are an amazing writer and you lead an exciting life. I hope that things are still woring out well for you.