Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I was pretty nervous ALL FRIDAY, I didn't actually get much sleep that night and woke up Saturday morning a nervous wreck. I just couldn't stop thinking about EVERYTHING! The new job, my brother, people knowing who I am, and a million other things, all just slowly driving me insane! Bradley got up pulled a pair of pants on and began his morning yoga routine he usually does naked in our bedroom. I looked over at him thinking how ridiculous he looked doing yoga in those tight brown corduroys when all of a sudden I realized I had the biggest erection EVER!

Two hours later I felt a lot better. I am not going to go so far as to say I wasn't nervous anymore, but like I said, I felt A LOT BETTER! There were a few moments when I wanted to bury my head in the sand and wait for everybody to leave me the fuck alone, but in those moments I just took a deep breath and waited for myself to calm down. I love how things were put into perspective for me that morning, it really worked out nicely. If that ass in those pants doesn't make you feel better, then chances are you don't deserve to have a penis.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Something is not right with me!

People have been talking about this project I worked on recently. It’s been getting a lot more play than I ever thought it would, and I am not enjoying all the extra attention. Lately I have really been dreading the spotlight and I am not sure why... In my 23 years I have been on the cover of 2 magazines, I have been 7 films, and on TV more times than I can count. Why the hell should this latest “thing” be freaking me out so much!?

I am doing this event on Saturday where just about EVERYBODY there will know who I am. I am nervous (read scared shitless) and I don’t know why. Thinking about all those people staring at me and talking to me and about me, oh my god I can’t even breath typing this shit! I make my living being the center of attention I really need to get over myself!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

RGB, still an asshole?

I don’t even really know where I should begin. This has been a difficult week. I have so much anger in me. I am angry at my mom for making me feel like I don’t matter anymore because I am gay. I am angry at religion for giving my mother a guilt free excuse to treat me like shit. I am angry at my brother for not being able to be stronger. Most of all I am angry at myself for not being there for my family because I was too weak to deal with them. I was too weak to put my foot down and tell them ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is who I am, I am never going to change, and I am not going anywhere because I love them and they are just going to have to get used to it. Instead I left and now I can’t help but feel that this is all my fault. Especially because I have let it all go on for far to long and now its too late.

My brother is in some pretty serious trouble with the law. He’s was arrested for breaking more than a couple laws and if convicted he will very likely spend some time in juvenile detention. When I first went up to LA to see him, he didn’t want to see me. He felt like I abandoned him and he wanted to make me feel as shitty as possible for it. It worked. I spent most of last week feeling sorry for myself.

On Thursday I was asked to come to the rehab center by the guy who has been having regular sessions with my brother. So I did. He wanted to see both my mother and myself, and to say I was a little nervous would be a big understatement! I haven’t been in the same room as my mother for over a year because being around her usually sends me down a path of self-destruction that tends to ruin my normally sunny and carefree disposition, AND my weekend plans. This day was no exception.

She didn’t even try to hide her disdain as she asked me to be a part of the family for my brother’s sake. I’m not a strong person when it comes to mental attacks. It doesn’t take much for me to go curl up in a ball and cry for days. The idea of having to go back to living that way made me sick. So I did what I always do when I am scared and don’t want anybody to realize it, I attacked. As always, I was brutal.

I only have this one life, and I am tired of giving it to my family. If they want me back, they are going to have to do a much better job of showing it. I am done being their doormat, I have way to much self respect to allow anybody to treat me this way. Of course I am sorry about my brother and I want to help him but I’m not his father I’m his brother. Just as I am not responsible for causing his problems, I am not responsible for fixing him.

I feel like a prick, and I have a good feeling that maybe it’s because I am acting like one. I am done defending myself, I am done with their judgmental self righteous bullshit, and I am done feeling like I owe them something! They are the ones that owe me. And its time they realize that!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Gone Skating...

Things got pretty intense at my little lunch meeting on Friday. I left not really knowing if I was still employed. When I got home all I wanted to do was relax, but I didn't quite get to do that when I got home. I'm at Tyler's feeling sorry for myself. I have a lot of bullshit to sort through before I will be able to wrap my head around my current circumstances. Anyway I am not nearly drunk enough to start writing about my situation right now, so I am just going to call it a night.

Friday, September 12, 2008

...like a rockstar!

I am fucking exhausted! I haven't a decent night's rest for over a week (since last Wed!) and not 12 hours ago I got off a 16 hour flight. So needless to say, I fucking hurt! I am so tired I can't even sleep. Last night I hosted an event so I litterally had to go from the airport to the party and had to change in the back seat of the car on the way. I must have smelled soooo bad, there are no words to even describe it. Not only had I just gotten off a 16 hour flight, but I haven't showered since Tuesday just cuz its been one of those weeks.

The party went till 2, and of course I had to stay later for all the obligatory schmoozing I am required to do. I didn't actually get to climb into my bed until a little after 3:45am. I guess the end result turned out much better than expected. I mean I seriously was expecting to pass out in the bathroom and wake up the next morning with everybody pissed at me! Instead I lasted the whole night, and I think I did a semi decent job. Now it's 7am and I am wide awake, but only in the sense that I just can't go back to sleep.

I have a lot on my mind. I am having lunch today with my employers and other corporate types and they are going to try sell me on a job I already told them I have no interest in taking. I am trying to find the perfect words to sound grateful and flattered, yet completely uninterested. I just really want to make the point that I have no desire pursuing a career path in the direction they are suggesting. It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with my personal comfort levels, which I know for most people are completely insane and extremely contradictory but I am too old and too stubborn to change!

I need a fucking joint.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Go w/ the flow

Right now I am sitting in a hotel room exhausted as fuck thinking to myself, HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE!? One second I am shooting a segment for this obscure cable television network (the company I currently work for is one of it’s main sponsors), the next I am on a plane NOT GOING HOME! It’s my own fault; I demonstrated my ability to edit footage quickly and do it well. I BLAME THAT SUMMER OF COMPUTER CAMP A FEW YEARS AGO! Who the fuck goes away to summer camp only to get FCP certed!?

I know I shouldn’t be complaining because right about now I am probably one of the luckiest guys on the planet, but I am tired, hungry, and I have NO CLOTHES! I mean NONE WHAT-SO-EVER! Everybody knows how much I hate shopping, now insert me in a foreign country where all the clothes fit weird and throw in the extra challenge of actually finding a store that has clothes I would wear; forget about it I am more likely to just wear the same thing everyday for the week!

Enough with the complaining! I am in a beautiful city right by the beach hanging out and really enjoying myself. A very close friend of mine came back from an injury to compete this week and its awesome being here to cheer him on. Plus I know what it’s like to be in his situation so I can also be there for advice and such which is an awesome feeling!

NYC was awesome and I had a lot of fun hanging with the homies and doing what I do. I am going to be heading back to San Diego at the end of the week, then I am going to be going back to NYC at the end of the month. I am definitely doing a lot more traveling than I originally thought I would, but this doesn’t need to be a bad thing, I need the cash and I am having fun! Yeah I miss home and I am always tired, but I’m not going to get offers like this for the rest of my life, so I might as well enjoy this while I can.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Unexpected Trip

Yesterday morning…

Corporate suit: RGB thanks for holding! How’s your morning going?

RGB: Well, I had sex this morning so I’m doing pretty good! You?

Corporate suit: Haha! Thanks for sharing. It’s great to have you back! #$*%&#%! is your old alma mater right? We were hoping you could fly to NYC this afternoon and stay through the weekend. We just hired a new girl and would love for you to show her the ropes.

RGB: I guess, but this is EXTREMELY short notice! You don’t have anybody closer?

Corporate suit: We’ve actually made some cut backs this year and to tell you the truth, you are just as close as the next guy we could send… Sooo what do you say?

RGB: I guess… When’s my flight?

Corporate suit: Noon. I’ll pick you up from the airport; we have a lot to talk about.

10 hours later I am in NYC sitting in the car with my 5th favorite suit talking about my future with the company. Apparently with less people doing what I do, there’s going to be plenty more opportunities for me to travel. Which means I am probably going to be a lot busier than I previously thought. I’m telling you, being this good looking and outgoing is as much a curse as it is a blessing!

Last night I met up with the chick that’s going to be doing my job here on the left coast, and she’s HOT! I mean I am a total homo but when I saw her, I got a little bit of a semi. Those lips, that ass, her legs, she’s like the perfect woman. We had a very nice dinner with the suit, then made plans to meet up in the morning so I could teach her the biz. We spent the first half of the day going over the game plan and basically showing her how to get things done. She also went to school in the city so she knew her way around, but it’s very safe to say that she and I had very different experiences here. And that’s all I am going to say about that…

Tonight I met up with a couple of my homies and we drank ourselves stupid, so pardon and nonsensicalness because drunk blogging isn't always as cogent as we think it is while it's getting written! I am here through Sunday, and big days are Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It’s really nice being back in the city, unfortunately I’m not really going to have much time to catch up with my friends while I am here. We all know what they say about boys who are all work and no play, so I may just have to make some time. Well its almost 2 in the morning, but I am still on LA time, so I am going to go for a jog then come back to my apartment and take a nice long bath.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day Weekend

Friday morning Jane and I drove up to LA to pick Tyler up, and then we proceeded up North to Mr. and Mrs. Tyler’s beach house for a fun weekend with the friends and fam. I was super psyched because I was really looking forward to sitting around the bonfire acting stupid with my budz. Since getting home all I have done is stress out like nobody’s business (you know with getting my ass kicked, giving my mother my life savings and having my car scrapped), so this weekend was my chance to really forget about life for a minute.

I am running dangerously low on funds and need to get a job. I know that most people usually have to have a job 5 days a week in order to support themselves, but I just don’t swing that way! Usually after I finish up with a summer camp I take a month or two off; however it looks like this year life has other plans for me. The car issue really isn’t a big deal because I have two cars. Even though the second car isn’t exactly practical (it’s a 1972 Porsche Carrera and the parking break doesn’t work so you have to leave it in gear when you park it), I was able to drive up to LA and pick up the spare car from the Tyler’s. I feel fucking ridiculous driving around an $80,000 SUV, which ironically is also a Porsche, but it’s better than waking up in the morning only to find out my Carrera rolled down the street into the neighbor’s living room!

I spent most of last week going over my options for cash flow trying to figure out what I could do for money that would leave me relatively untraumatized. My options: I can go back to promoting (just so you guys know, if I have to go to one more frat party and laugh at one more gay joke, I’M GOING TO STAB A BITCH!), I have a standing offer to do some consulting at Tyler’s firm (which I also don’t particularly enjoy. Proof here and here), I also have quite a few skate and surf companies that have been begging me to write on their lines for a long time (selling my art always makes me feel icky, and creating for people that have no idea what they want always causes me some heartache). I realize no matter what I choose to do there are going to be some positives and negatives, so I am not looking for something that is going to bring me eternal happiness and help me discover the meaning of life. I just want to have a job that isn’t going to make me want to slit my wrists after doing it for a few months.

Needless to say, I have been stressing out big time. Spending my weekend surfing and relaxing with my peeps really helped provide me with some much needed clarity. The crazy thing is now that I have made my decision, I am almost looking forward to getting started on it! Life is about to get a little crazy, but I think I'm ready for it…