Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I haven't been writing this blog for very long, but it honestly feels like a million years ago when I started it. I never realized that I was capable of changing so rapidly. Yet here I am 5 months later and I am a completely different person. The odd thing is that I have changed in so many ways, and though my sexuality wasn't even close to being the biggest change in my life, it was certainty the catalyst for everything that came afterwards.

I am sitting here with Eddie in San Diego. We just went over my entire blog, and we had a lot of fun reading through my life and all of my craziness over the last few months. He has never seen my blog, though he knew I was writing it. I just wasn't ready for him to see it until right about now.

Last Spring I was struggling with a lot of things in my life. I was confused about who I was and where I fit in. Though I never was able to verbalize these feelings, I contemplated suicide almost daily. In the beginning I need this blog because I was to proud to let any of my friends know how much pain I was in. Writing these words down and letting strangers into my life helped me to find a way to open up to the world without ever getting hurt or having any real consequences to deal with.

For awhile it worked out great for me. Then things started to change really fast in my life. I found Eddie, I came out to my best friend, and I started dealing with this stupid back injury from hell!! All these things were issues that forced me to let people into my little private bubble.

Somewhere about a month into this blog people started reading it. I guess that I had always had a few dozen readers a week, but very suddenly I had a few hundred readers a day. Then a few weeks later my numbers doubled. All of a sudden this tiny little online journal had taken a life of its own and I was completely intimidated by what I had started. However I continued writing because I was still not confident in myself and my ideas and writing gave me the confidence to appear confident (think about it! It makes sense in my head.)...

This summer my great grandmother passed away. When this happened I was devastated in a way that I can not even explain. My first impulse was to write about it, but then I changed my mind and I turned to my friends. This was the first time in my life when I didn't internalize something this huge and pretend like everything was okay. I was a mess and I was completely okay with letting the people that love me see it. I think that this was the turning point in my life. It took me 20 years to figure it out, but I finally learned that no man is an island.

This is around the time that my posting schedule started to become extremely erratic. All of a sudden I realized that I had all of these people around me that wanted to support me with the things that I was going through. And all of a sudden I was completely willing to let them do so. With all of these people in my life, posting became a chore instead of an escape.

I thank all of you for following my life so closely. I have discovered so much about myself and what I am capable of from all of you. There was something about my blog that attracted you guys to me. All of you guys found something that you could relate to and that makes me happy. This blog became a forum for everybody to share their thoughts and experiences with me and each other. Because of all of you I was able to open my eyes to a world that I had never experienced. Everybody that came to my blog brought their own unique feelings on ideas on life, and they were all helpful.

All of you guys still in the closet have shown me a reflection of myself. All of the things that you fear and all of the things that you look forward to. I now know what if feels like to be on both sides of this and I am grateful for everything that you guys have contributed. Don't lose touch with me because I am not writing this blog anymore!

All of you guys just starting life out of the closet have shown me what I can look forward to very soon. You guys give me the most hope because I feel like I am almost there! Though I have come out to a couple of family members and a couple of friends, I kind of feel like I am living my life half in and half out right now.

Finally there's the experienced older guys. You guys have shown me the way. I have corresponded and met with a lot of guys out there that have seen it all! You guys have opened my eyes to the world and made me realize that I could have it all if that's what I really want. Your wisdom and compassion has made me secure enough in myself to be able to really open up to the people around me.

So now I say goodbye. I am definitely not done with becoming the man that I know I can be. But I am ready to start doing so in a completely different way. Unfortunately that would include me not blogging anymore. It's was too easy for me to internalize everything in my life and taking on the world all by myself. I guess that I am just trying to figure out a way for me to start depending on others more aand myself less.

This picture is of me. I took it on a tripod using a timer all by myself. It's a great picture, but like everything else from this part of my life, its very lonely. I am hoping that this picture can be left here as a reminder of everything that I am trying to move away from.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

Hi hi!

I am soooo happy that this week is finally over! This week has been extremely difficult because I have been juggling my newly rediscovered social life, and my newly acquired responsibilities as camp director. Yes that is right boys & girls, I am a 20 yr old camp director! It's was odd feeling becuase I was very conflicted about my feelings on my new position. But today is my last day of work and I am feeling really good about what I have accomplished, I am also very happy that it is all over!

I don't actually have the time to go over any particulars, but I just wanted to let everybody know that I am still alive and I'll post again soon. Hopefully before I leave for Hong Kong in the morning. But if I don't, I might be out for a few more days. LATER!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Taking a deeper look...

So lately I have been very selfish with my time. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about myself and all of the little things that bother me in everyday life. I used to be the guy that all of my friends ran to when they had a problem, but lately I have been emotionally unavailable to them. I would say that I started to change right around the time that I started this blog. So like 4 or 5 months ago (Wow that's a really long time! I don't think that I realized it has been that long until I actually just typed it!). But over the last few days I have finally been able to stop being so selfish and reconnect with a lot of my friends.

At first it was pretty great. There were a lot of things that I hadn't been a part of lately because I have been so busy with my life. I have friends that have found love, lost love, bought houses, gotten engaged and all sorts of other things. I have missed out on a lot because of how incomfortable I am with dealing with my sexuality around certain friends (Even friends that know I am gay).

Tonight I had coffee with my friend Carrie. We have been friends ever since she moved onto my street when I was 12. She's the most driven girl that I have ever met. I have never seen her fail at anything that she set her mind to. However during the course of our conversation I discovered that my favorite little Ivy League graduate actaully failed out of college her last semester and was only alowed to walk if she promised to complete the courses that she had failed. Long story short, she hasn't! Not only has she not completed them, but she has been telling everybody that she has indeed graduated! Everybody from her parents to her employers think that she is a college graduate!

I felt like such a jerk! Because there she was spilling her heart out to me about her deepest darkest secret and she didn't know mine. That took a lot of courage to tell me that she has been lying to everybody around her about this really huge thing in her life. All that I wanted to do was tell her that I was gay, but I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to take the focus away from her.

I haven't been a caring person lately. Just like Carrie needed me. And recently just like a pen pal that I let down because I was to busy being selfish. It's wierd when you come to an epiphany like this. All of a sudden you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and while you do have your own crap to deal with, so does everybody else!

I am happy that I have taken the time to really probe myself and discover what I want out of my life at this point. But now I need to take some time to be a friend to the people that have been mine for my entire life. I don't think that I am here to save everybody else's life, I just think that I need to be a better friend like I used to be. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop my friend from doing stupid things or pull Carrie out of her depression, or help out in the plethora of issues that a bunch of my friends have been dealing with. But it would have made me feel a lot better to know that I had done everything that I could.

So this picture is an ode to my half assing shit! I was trying to draw that stupid bag of butterflies thing for Downunderpants , but I just never got around to finishing it because I didn't feel like it. I am thinking of just finishing this picture and sending it to him anyway, just to show that I am turning over a new leaf and I am going to start putting out that little extra effort! But then again, I also want to go watch TV...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It's the Statue of Liberty!

I really want to thank everybody for all of the emails that I received over the last day. I am always very shocked when I write a post and then I wake up the next morning and see that I have so many emails that they won't even fit on a single window! I went through most of them, and they were all very positive and supportive, so thanks. Also a lot of people had a lot of theories on why I was freaking out about this whole situation. Although nobody really hit the nail on the head, I was able to figure it out on my own and that actually made me feel a lot better.

I think my biggest problem with that whole situation was that I hate violence. Growing up, I never really wanted to take martial arts. I always wanted to surf or sit in my room drawing pictures all day. However my father had different plans for me and ever since I was old enough to do so, I have been taking martial arts. The one positive thing that I took away from this was that it gave me the confidence to never feel like I had to fight a person that was picking on me. Just knowing that I could win a fight was enough for me to never want to do it. I have never been the kind of guy that needed to prove myself to others, or seek validation from my peers, so showing off was never a priority either.

My whole life I have been put into situations where I have had to make a choice between fighting with my fists, or dealing with people with non violence. I have always chosen a peaceful route. There have even been a few instances where I have been attacked, but an hour later we were shaking hands and apologizing to each other. I have always thought that if I ever fought somebody with my fists, then I must have failed myself and what I represent.

I know that these were extreme circumstances because I didn't know the guy, and there was no actual time to talk things out. But that doesn't change the fact that I did something that was completely against everything that I believe in and everything that I ask other people to believe in. This made me feel like all of my ideals and morals could be compromised just as long as there was a situation that caused for extreme action. This whole train of thought opened up a huge can of worms about all sorts of issues. The more that I thought about these things the more depressed that I became.

In the end I came to the conclusion that I had done something wrong. I made a choice to fight when I could have called for help. I know that people would argue that I was just defending myself and my friend, but we all know that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I also know that if I were in the same situation I would still stand my ground and fight because I would never let anything happen to any of my friends. I guess that a reasonable man would say that violence would be okay in this situation because I only have good intentions. But just as 2 wrongs don't make a right, we also know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

I guess that I am pretty young and this might sound kind of naive to a lot of people that read my blog. I just felt that if you felt really strongly about something, nothing could ever shake your beliefs. The thing that I have come to realize is that anything that you really believe in can be taken away from you, given the right circumstances. Which brings me to the statue of liberty. As an American I have grown up knowing what she represents for our country, and I felt like those ideals were infallible. But now when I look at the current climate of my country, and the world, and even my personal life. I come to realize that nothing is infallible, and everything can be compromised.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Sooo... Yeah...

Okay. I started off writing this post about something completely different. Then halfway through it, I began to write an email to a new friend, and I realized that I needed to write about what was really on my mind. I am just freaking out a little bit because I am not really sure where to begin. Basically I have found myself in the middle of a very HUGE disaster and I don't think that I have what it takes to deal with it.

On friday night I received a call from my friend Trevor. Through a series of unfortunate events, he had found himself in Atelope Valley all by himself and couldn't get home. So being the awesome friend that I am, I told him that I would make the hour long drive to go pick him up. The whole way up, I was in a bad mood. I was very irritated with Trevor for getting himself into this odd situation that I had not fully understood. I worry about him because he never makes the right decision and always finds a way to get himself into as much trouble as humanly possible! This night was no exception.

Trevor wasn't where he said he would be, so I called his cell. He answered and told me that he was hanging out in this bar around the corner. Trevor just turned 18 and had no reason to be in a bar in the first place, so of course I go into parent mode and I am EXTREMELY irritated for it. When I get in I can see him sitting on a stool sipping on something. I walked up to him and I gave him a hug, and then in a slightly inebriated tangent, he told me all about how he ended up in the middle of nowhere with no ride. It was actually kind of funny in a totally sad and tragic sort of way.

Basically he met a guy in a club. Then after having a few drinks with this guy, he decided to go home with him. He didn't know what he wanted to do, he just thought that it would be fun to go home with this guy. Anyway long story short, the guy said that he didn't live far (which was a total lie) and he seemed cool at the time. However after the hour's drive back to his dilapidated apartment and the loss of a good buzz, Trevor wanted to go home. Only this guy didn't want to take him home. So Trevor just walked out of his apartment and called me.

I am very glad that he called me. Things got really bad that night, but I am still very glad that he called me. Because if I wasn't there I don't think that any of his other friends would have been able to protect him.

It all happened pretty fast. There were two guys behind us, and they tackled Trevor and told me that I could leave. I would later learn that one of these guys was one of the people that Trevor went home with. It took me a few seconds to process what was going on, I was shocked that something like this was actually happening. It felt like a bad movie. I got the first guy off of Trevor and incapacitated, and then the second guy just stopped and then got up to face me. He was a lot bigger than me and I was very scared. He punched me in the face really hard, and I fell on the floor. I managed to kick him in the knee, and I got up and grabbed Trevor's hand and I ran.

I am not sure if they chased us. But we ran really fast and we got into my car and I took off and never looked back. Trevor cried the whole way home. By the time we pulled into his driveway, the adrenaline had finally began to wear off and I was starting to feel a lot of pain in my back and in my face. I couldn't even get out of the driver's seat. Trevor almost had to carry me all the way into his house. I spent a few hours soaking in his hot tub as we watched some TV and we both calmed down. Trevor was a wreck because he felt awful for putting me in this situation. I told him that he was my friend and that's just what friends do for each other. I can honestly say that I am not upset with Trevor at all. I just wish that he would make better decisions.

After having the weekend to process what has happened. I find myself getting very depressed by this whole situation. I am a trained martial artist, but I hate to fight, and I never fight outside of training workouts. Solving problems through violence is the most immature and ridiculous thing that a person can do.

Ever since Friday night's incident, I find myself bursting into tears a lot. I can't control it and I can't make it stop. I know that it sounds strange, but I feel very bad for defending myself and I also feel bad that I don't feel worse about it. There are also other things that I can't quite articulate going on in my head... I just feel like crap about this whole situation and its not going away. I haven't told my family, or Eddie about this, and I am not sure if I am going to. It's really hard to talk about. I can't even think about it without having my heart race and my eyes swell up with tears. I am a mess.

I tried to upload a picture that I have been working on, but blogger is being stupid. Or maybe I am just way to impatient right now. I'll try again later.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Just missing my dude...

So yeah, I guess that I am over that whole hornt stage and I am now all sad and lonely and missing my Eddie. SO of course I am listening to Bright Eyes and getting all miserable sitting in my room and occasionally playing card games with the kids. But mostly sulking but I am also painting! It's actually turning out pretty good. I think that if I lead a more sad and tragic life I might be able to become a tortured artist and sell a bunch of work that way! But alas I am just not capable of that much inner anguish!

ANyway this was my inspiration and I just thought that I would share because I love this guy and he totally makes me smile all the time. I have been listening to Bright Eyes for a couple of years now, and I am sad that he isn't more popular than he is. Last summer it really seemed like he was about to strike it big, but then he didn't. But he's still really awesome in my book. Nobody sings a sad love song like Connor Oberst. Enjoy. ANd I will post the painting 2morrow.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

One more thing!

Donovan has been getting me through these trying summer expereinces! His first album was this awesome acoustic jam session and each song felt like he was singing it to you in front of a bonfire and it was FUCKING AMAZING! I didn't think that he could top it, and then he released his second album a few months ago. I went to the record release concert a couple months back and I was COMPLETELY impressed with this new sound! Have a listen.

Just a little background on Donovan. He's a pro surfer, but he doesn't compete. Moslty because he's to cool for competition, but also he doesn't believe in it. Putting all the rest of us money hungry sell out surfers to shame. And making us feel like performing monkeys. He is also a fixture in my favorite surfing movie series, "Drive Thru", directed by Greg Browning (who is also a prolific surfer in his own right. And lives about 10 minutes from me.). The thing that is so awesome about this guy is the freedom he gives himself to do whatever he wants. He doesn't care about things that the rest of us seem to be all caught up in, and it really shows in his music. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy.

Freakin horny!

Everywhere I look there are a group of hot guys with their shirts off, stretching, or running, or sweating, or just being fucking hot, and I can't take it anymore! They are everywhere and its getting harder and harder (no pun intended) to function.

Today the men's swim team came out of a practice the same time I was walking out to pick up my day campers in the morning. As they walked by I literally stopped in my tracks as all of them walked right passed my in their track shorts and no shirts. I must have looked like the gayest guy on the planet because I couldn't take my eyes off of their chests and abs!

And what's the deal with all of the penis outlines I have been noticing lately!? I mean really, it has never been this bad for me, but everywhere I turn I see a penis! It's driving me insane! It's like every guy on campus has decided that only soccer or basketball shorts are to be worn and underwear are completely optional! I really need to stop gawking so much and roll my tongue back into my mouth because I am feeling so LEWD that its kind of gross.

I need some relief that masturbating just can't provide. I think that its time for some serious surfing! atleast until I am limping mildly. Maybe the pain will be a nice distraction for awhile. Now if only the waves weren't so crappy... There's always my longboard.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Spread thin...

It's not easy being me, but I really make it look like it is! It's getting to the point where I am starting to slack a little bit on my ability to make camp as fun as it was when I was fresh. I am definitely starting to feel all of those lost hours of sleep and extra energy that I have been using to get things done. The thing is that when this has happened in the past I would sacrifice my personal free time to make things better. But I find myself apathetic to my camp situation and I can feel the quality of my camp person slipping.

Which isn't to say that I am no longer the coolest camp counselor ever! I know that the kids are still enjoying themselves and that my staff is still getting what they need from me, I just know that I can do better. I hate that I know that I am not doing my best because that really starts to grate on my conscience. I just don't know waht I can do at this point to really change or rectify this situation.

Enough about that! I have really been enjoying my new surfboard! I have taken it out and ridden it a little bit ever single day since I got it! It's the most awesome thing since flavored surf wax! Even though the waves haven't been anything special, its really nice to just get off of campus and do things that have nothing to do with camp. Having all of this responsibilty really makes camp feel like a job and I don't think this is what I set out to do with my summer in the beginning. However, I said that I was done talking about camp!

Tyler and I went to go and see Clerks II last night, and that movie was AWESOME. I absolutely loved it and I could not stop laughing! I walked around after the movie telling random people, "You never go ass to mouth!". Because that was the most awesome arguement that has ever been had in movie history! Then I said it to my UBER gay friend "todd" and he informed me that going ass to mouth is the only way to do it! After that odd disgusted shiver went down my back, all the fun of that statement was sucked out of the phrase (no pun intended!). ANd I was kind of left with a very unclean feeling. Is this just me being a prude? Do lots of guys honsetly go ass to mouth? Becuase if so, once I finally let somebody go up my butt (I like to pitch, but I am willing to switch. In the future, I just need to be sweet talked.), they will NEVER go ass to mouth!