Six Months...

We've been together for 6 months as of last night. I guess it's kind of a big deal but it honestly feels like we haven't even been together for a month. Yet at the same time, thinking back to when we first met seems like a million years ago! Is that weird?

Last night, after a big day of snowboarding Bradley and I had a nice and quiet evening. We basically spent the entire night talking. We haven't been able to spend a whole lot of time with each other over the last couple months, so it was nice having this time to reconnect. We really did have a lot to talk about. As per usual, I have been a self absorbed asshole and had a lot of apologizing to do. But also as usual, my charming personality and disarming smile were more than enough to get my ass out of the dog house!

I am loving life a lot right now. Its good to be finishing out this year on a high note after all the shit I have had to deal with.

Lazy Day...

One of my favorite things to do is watch, "The biggest loser". But it's more than just watching it that I enjoy, it's actually an entire ritual that I do. First I need to stumble upon it completely on accident. Then the actual ritual begins! I first pause the Tivo and let the show get a little ahead of itself so I don't have to deal with the commercials. Then I run to the kitchen and make myself a HUGE double fudge brownie sundae with everything on it! Including a fresh brownie on the bottom and hot fudge smothered all over the top, 3 scoops of vanilla ice cream, 2 cherries, and more whipped cream than any person should ever put on a single sundae! Then I plop myself on the couch and pig out while I watch the show.

I have no idea what it is about the show that makes me like it so much, and I have no idea why I enjoy eating like a 9 year old while I am watching. Maybe something about eating all those deliciously evil calories and still maintaining my six pack makes me feel really good about myself or maybe I am just a bastard and I kind of feel like in some way this is torture for all those people on the tv screen and somehow even if they can't see me they can sense what I am doing! Whatever my reasoning for my "biggest loser" rituals, they are what they are and it's to late to change them.

So when I turned on the TV this morning I was a more than a little excited to see that there was a biggest loser marathon taking place! So I paused the TV and ran into the kitchen to make myself some ridiculously fattening foods. It was still morning and I was feeling the need for more than a sundae, so I opened up the pantry and thought really hard on what I could make myself and Bradley. I decided on banana and chocolate chip pancakes with powdered sugar and assorted warmed syrups. They were AMAZING, and by the time we were both all done I was on cloud 9!

Once the commercials finally caught up with me and I couldn't fast forward anymore, I decided it was time for the next meal. So the Tivo went back to pause and I sent Bradley to the market for some supplies while I hit the kitchen to start making are next feast! While I waited for my supplies to arrive I threw some refried beans onto a pan and some boxed instant spanish rice onto another. Then I grated a block of cheese and just as I was finishing heating up the tortillas Bradley arrived with the rest of our food for the day! I threw the green sauce into a pot and added a clove of garlic (old family secret!) then I started shredding the pre-cooked chicken. about 20 minutes later we were eating Enchiladas smothered in cheese, with refried beans and spanish rice on the side. YUM!!!

By the end of that meal I was pretty much in a food coma and I couldn't have been more happy. I really enjoy eating. Bradley and I took a few breaks to do a couple hundred sit ups and some pretty decent living room sex. We were actually able to go almost 5 hours before the commercials finally caught up with us again. So that gave me plenty of time to let the food pass through me and give Bradley and I ample time to prepare for a 3rd glutenous feast of the day.

Dinner was pretty simple. We threw a couple of porterhouse steaks on the grill and made some instant mashed potatoes and canned gravy. For dessert we had some fresh chocolate chip cookies and a couple scoops of ice cream. As the final episode ended, we both agreed that Brain from California was really hot, and that we really needed to go on a 2 mile [minimum] jog before we went to bed. So we did and now it's like almost 10 and I am ready to sleep.

Christmas was super hectic for me. There was a little drama that I don't really have enough time to get into at the moment, but for the most part it was pretty enjoyable. I got a couple of AMAZING presents that actually made me cry, and I even gave a couple of presents that had the same effect (which is always a pretty awesome feeling). Tomorrow Bradley and I are headed up to Mammoth for some snowboarding and such with a dozen of our closest friends to ring in the new year and have some serious drunken shenanigans. I hope everybody reading has had an amazing christmas and are gearing up to have an even more awesome new year.

Too much???

My Uncle decided to buy a couple of decorations for my house while Bradley and I were gone. I was a little shocked when I got home and saw the atrocity that is now my front lawn. He asked me what I thought of his "decorating skills" and I did my best to smile and look enthused. But to be honest it all just seems way too much and completely over the top. Right? I mean it's not just me that thinks this is all completely gaudy and ridiculously hideous. is it?

Both Bradley and I took our last final this past week and we decided we needed a change of scenery. It actually worked out nicely because I have this promo photo shoot thing so the sponsors are actually paying for our hotel room. There's a lot going on right now, so I am not sure if I am going to have time to write for awhile. In case I don't get a chance, Merry Christmas!

After thoughts...

When I punched that guy for heckling me while kissing my boyfriend, I didn’t think it was a bad thing because I lost control. I felt bad because I am a trained fighter and this guy obviously wasn’t! I got a lot of emails from people after I posted that and they were congratulating me and telling me about how they once felt empowered and had done something similar. But there was a huge difference from what they did and what I did! The difference was that I was trained to do it better and make it hurt more!

I have been losing my cool and fighting a lot lately. Every fight I have been in I am willing to go out on a limb and say that they all deserved what they got, but it still doesn’t justify me losing my temper. I am just so angry about so many things lately and it doesn’t take much to set me off. It’s a lot more than me being angry with my mom and all her bullshit. It’s also about me having to constantly be on guard and sensor myself when I am in public with my boyfriend. I need to watch what I say, my body language, and how and where I want to touch him! It’s total BS and I am sick and tired of dealing with it.

I am not entirely sure of how I am going to deal with this problem. But I am fairly certain that beating the crap out of every guy that pisses me off really isn’t the proper way to handle my issues. Besides, one of these days I am going to come up against somebody who is going to be able to kick my ass, and that's just not going to be good news for anybody! The last time somebody got a lucky couple of punches on me, Tyler and Johnny made sure to return the favor plus some... It wasn't a pretty sight.

Lately I have been doing my best to channel all this anger and hostility in a more acceptable manner. So I turned one of the spare rooms into my personal sparring area and Johnny comes over all the time to play with me! I know it looks like I have the upper hand in the pic, but I am literally half a second from being knocked on my ass and put in a headlock. God damn I love to fight!

When we were young...

This is a picture of me, Tyler, and Trip. I remember this day like it was yesterday. About 9 of us took off on senior ditch day for a road trip, and turned it into senior ditch week! The girls had dared us into sunbathing in our underwear while people passed by on their kayaks. It was pretty funny watching some of the faces that the people made as they kayaked (that's a verb right?) by! In high school we were infamous for the stuff we used to pull, but we were just too fucking adorable to stay mad at!

I guess that looking back Trip was always the craziest of us all. That's saying a lot because between the three of us, there was a car driven into a garage door, sex with a couple of slutty moms, a week in Vegas complete with strippers and alcohol at 15, sex with more girls at once than I have fingers on my right hand, that night in Puerto Rico on our senior trip, and a million other things that would be far too incriminating even for this anonymous blog! We all had parents that pretty much gave us every freedom that NO teenager should ever have, but Trip's parents were literally never there. His dad was based in NYC and his mom was somewhere in Europe doing God knows what! I am pretty sure that if child services how known what was going on, well his parents would have had to pay them off also.

After high school Trip didn't do so well... He became a stereotypical cautionary tale of what happens when you combine an unlimited supply of money and no responsibility or accountability because your parents are to busy vacationing in France or on a business trip in Japan. The last time I saw him was a year and a half ago. He was so strung out and used up that I barely recognized him. He looked like a skeleton with pale yellow skin stretched over it. His parents were just about to send him to rehab for the third time and he was already planning this massive party complete with all the alcohol and drugs he would want when he got out.

Trip overdosed on Sunday and died. At the end we didn't even know each other, but for a majority of our lives we were each other's shadows. I know I said I haven't seen him in over a year, but I miss him already. I had always assumed that one day he would get his act together and we would be able to get our friendship back.

So Trip, you were my friend and I loved you dude. For some reason the loudest thought in my head at the moment is, "You lucky bastard! At least for you it's finally all over.".

really tired

London was fun like it always is. I love going places where I speak the language, it makes life so much easier when you are trying to find a restroom!

Eddie and I had a lot to talk about. Most of it wasn't as pleasant as I would have liked. There were plenty of tears from both of us, and definitely some hurt feelings. It's hard when a relationship ends and it's not because either person stopped loving the other, or the passion just died. When I saw Eddie, I still felt that same love and passion I have always had for him, and he for me, but I wasn't the same guy anymore. I guess that the good thing to come out of this whole mess was that we both finally got some closure. The one thing I knew for sure after that first day was that there was no going back on the decision we made. It's definitely over for good.

Where in the World is RGB?: Parth 3

Yesterday was intense. I am not even close to being ready to talk about it, but I feel the need to type something just to keep my mind busy. So let's backtrack to what I was up to this weekend! I went to Ephesus and the most interesting thing of the whole experience (to me anyway) was the toilets! How awesome is it that they had public bathrooms before electricity? Oh woops. I guess I kind of gave away where I was so the whole "where in the world is RGB" thing doesn't really work... To late I have already gone to far. Erasing and starting over at this point is just no longer an option!

It's like 5 in the morning and again I have only slept a few hours. Europe is totally kicking my ass! I am going to go for a jog and get really lost because I have no idea where I am so finding my way back should prove quite the challenge. I think that maybe clearing my mind with some exercise before I go meet Eddie for round two might be a good idea. Besides, my fat ass needs the exercise anyway! I guess fat would be the wrong word because my pants are actually looser than normal, but I have definitely lost a lot of muscle mass and gained a lot of fat. I think I should go with doughy! My doughy ass needs to get some exercise.

Where in the World is RGB?: Part 2

I met some pretty awesome back packers last night that were going on this little hike today and I decided to join them. I am so happy I went because not only was the company awesome, the view was breath taking. My favorite part about any trip when I go traveling are the people that I meet and the unexpected things I end up doing as a result of that.

Tomorrow I am flying to London for the final leg of my mini euro trip. I am actually going to be meeting up with Eddie. We haven't seen each other since the beginning of the summer and I am extremely nervous about how this is all going to play out. A couple of weeks ago he was in town for the premier of this movie he'd been working on and I made up a pretty lame excuse to get out of seeing him because I didn't know how I was going to react to him. It was extremely cowardly of me to do something like that, and I haven't stopped beating myself up over it because Eddie deserves a lot more respect and courtesy than I showed him.

I really want to look my best tomorrow when I see Eddie, but I haven't slept much in the last few days and I look like a strung out drug addict. It's already 2am and my flight is at 9am so tonight obviously isn't going to be the night where I catch up on my beauty rest! I honestly don't know what I am so nervous about. I am about to see the guy that made me feel more comfortable in my own skin than anybody had ever done before.

Honestly I am just hoping things are going as well for him as they are for me. Eddie is an extremely hard worker and a very talented artist. He can get started on a project and before he realizes it he's gone an entire day (or maybe longer) without eating or taking a break! He can also be a little introverted especially when he's working on something, and before he realizes it he's all depressed and moody and has no idea why! I sound so ridiculous right now so I am going to stop! I just really hope that he's taking care of himself. I know my family life is a complete mess and school is really stressing me out, but I am genuinely happy with the way things have worked out for me. I really hope that he feels the same way about his life because all I would ever want for him is to be happy.

Where in the world is RGB!?

I have discovered that place (in the pic) is actually a cool place to hang out and ride bikes when it's not the middle of tourist season! I am on a train going to Cannes right now, and I can't remember where I am heading after that... I am beyond tired and I am having some serious issues sleeping. My internal clock is all kinds of fucked up! Plus it's like super duper cold and I didn't bring any big jackets with me. I might actually have to go shopping, and we all know how much I hate shopping!

I was about to post a pic of me from the party I threw last night, but I didn't really have that much on (clothing wise) and I noticed how offended everybody was by my naked boyfriend with my last post. SO I decided against making the same mistake twice!

Me and Brad

I guess I just wanted to brag a little about the fact that my boyfriend is hotter than yours. JUST KIDDING!! I have something of substance to add... But seriously, how much do you want to lick my boyfriend's stomach? I totally have the best arm candy in town don't I?

Okay maybe I lied. I don't really have anything much to say. I was just sitting in an airport somewhere on the east coast checking out the pics from my birthday party that were emailed to me. How cute do me and Bradley look in this pic completely wasted and falling all over each other? I am headed to Europe for the next week. I am not sure how often I will be able to update because of the crazy hectic schedule "the man" has planned for me.

Bloody Knuckles

Have you ever done something bad, and then didn’t feel guilty about it; then that lack of guilt made you feel guilty because you know you should feel guilty in the first place? I have a problem with people who try to intimidate me. My intimidators learn very fast that the consequences to such negative stimuli includes (but is not limited to) tears that are seldom my own.

It was my birthday. I had just finished off a few beers with some friends when Brad showed up. So we went for a walk. I was a little buzzed, which lowered my inhibitions ever so slightly. This is when I did something a little crazy! I walked down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand, then we stopped and I kissed him. We weren’t exactly in WeHo, so I should have known better. But I wasn’t thinking about it until I heard some guy scream out, “Fags!”

I was in the guy’s face before I had time to fully register what he had said, and my reaction to him saying it. In my most polite voice (or whatever the opposite of polite is) I warned him that shouting such flagrant statements might not be in his best interest. He then got right in my face (in a semi-menacing manner) obviously trying to intimidate me, and asked me what I was going to do about it, so I broke his nose. He really shouldn’t have invaded my personal space.

I gave him a minute to recover, and I asked him if we were finished. I guess he wasn’t because he tried to hit me, so I punched him in the nose again. This poor guy is going to have two of the blackest eyes EVER. It took everything I had to not just laugh in his face for being all pitiful and what not. I was actually looking forward to a little fight, and he looked like he was going to be able to give it to me. Unfortunately he couldn’t fight worth shit and I left him bloodied on the street and my shirt completely ruined with splatters of this bastard’s blood.

Does it make me a bad person that I was more worried about how I was going to get the stains out of my shirt and not what he was going to do about his mangled nose? Oh well the past is in the past right? I really need to get my temper under control because one of these days I could get arrested for acting out like this. Then again, what kind of self respecting gay basher is going to admit he got his ass kicked by a fag? Especially one that's only 5'7 and 130 lbs. That's just something that most guys would want to keep to themselves...

Oh well... Happy birthday me. A year older and a year wiser but still pretty stupid and more hot headed than ever. I never said I was perfect.

Grandma's House!

I am at my grandmother's house getting ready to stuff my face for Thanksgiving! It's a very important holiday that we celebrate here in America, commemorating the day we pulled one over on the Native Americans and tricked them into saving us (by providing food and teaching us how to grow crops) over a particularly hard winter and in return we massacred them and stuck them onto desolate lands that they died a very slow and painful death we were meant to. It's all quite inspirational, so we gather around the table and give thanks we aren't Native Americans and then eat until we are sick!

Grandma owns a restaurant and cooks better than any person on the planet as far as I am concerned. I am going to be out of commission over the next few days as I try and recover from the massive amounts of food I am going to consume at tomorrow's festivities. Let's all hope that I won't slip into a food coma and die from eating too much turkey!

Recharging and such

I am home and I am a little psyched about not having to fly anywhere this weekend! My next couple engagements have been rescheduled due to unforeseen circumstances. I spent all my down time in NYC catching up on my studies to the point where I am actually a little ahead of where I need to be and that’s totally a plus. Also I have been extremely grateful that my biggest immediate problem was dealing with the drastic climate change (It was 38 and humid in NYC and when I flew home on Tuesday it was 90 and dry!).

All of my free time has been spent at the beach over the last few days. Not that I have actually had a lot of free time, but still I have managed to make it down to the water for some quality time with the boyfriend on a daily basis! The waves haven’t really been anything to write home about, but that’s why God invented skimbaords. I have also been spending a lot of time catching up on some stuff with my other not so glamorous jet-setting job (When I have more time to write it, I have to share a pretty interesting event with you guys concerning this other job). Lastly there was the torrent of emails I received on my last post that I have yet to deal with… I am sorry that I haven’t actually responded to any of them, I am just not really sure how to. I hope all of you understand. Still I was very happy to receive all the emails that I did, and I don’t want you guys to think I am ungrateful or anything like that.

On a completely different subject, Tuesday when I came home a bunch of people came over and through a small welcome home party for me! It was awesome and we got pretty wasted, but halfway through the whole thing, Brad gave me that, “Come Hither”, stare that he does so well, and we ditched the party for some sex (that was a lot of commas in one sentence! Don’t go all grammar police on me!). It’s hard (no pun intended) to try and be quiet when I haven’t had sex in over a week. I am pretty sure that there were a couple of not so muffled screams that could be heard over the loud music and the normal party ruckus my krew is famous for. Oh well. Modesty is for prudes, closet cases, and guys with really small penises.

Sometimes, I smoke.

Ever since I started earning enough money to do so, I have always given my mother a portion of it. Over the years the amount of money that I have given good ol’ mom was proportionate to how munch money I was making at the time, but for the last 2 years it’s been pretty much the same. I don’t mind helping out my mother, she needs the money and I have it to give.

However this year has been especially hard for me to get money to her because my income has been sporadic at best. Then once Eddie and I broke up, my financial burdens became a lot more apparent. I had a pretty decent job that covered all of my needs, but it didn’t leave me with much to give to my mom. This is when I accepted a position working for an old sponsor completely outside of anything they had ever paid me to do before. It’s fun work and it provides me with more than enough money to give my mother, and pay all my bills, and purchase all the candy and junk food myself and an army of like minded people could ever ear!

Still no matter how much fun my second job is, it’s still a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. I am always tired, I have very little free time to spend with my friends or my boyfriend, and I am constantly playing catch up with all the things I need to get done (homework, work work, housework, etc.). So while I do enjoy what my job requires of me, I would much rather stay home and take pleasure in the more simple things life has to offer. The only reason why I am sacrificing my time, my sleep and maybe even my relationship is for my mother.

For over a year I have been forced to deal with a lot of shit she has thrown my way. There have been plenty of tears and more pain and self destruction than I care to admit, or even think about. Still I was always optimistic that she would accept me and move on. However lately I feel like my optimism is doing more harm to my general wellbeing than anything else. I have finally reached a point where I feel like maybe it is time to stop taking all her crap and move on.

My mother is by no means, a poor woman. She makes over 100k a year, lives in a 7 bedroom home (fully paid off), and drives a Mercedes SUV. That said, she is stretched pretty thin. I have 5 siblings and 4 cousins that live with my mother full time. She is a single parent and she is putting all of her children (even the ones she didn’t birth) through private school, and very expensive club sports.

I had been thinking about stopping the whole money thing with my mother for over a year for a plethora of reasons. The least of all the reasons being malice, which I didn’t want my mom to accuse me of. Still the longer I put off these feelings, the more malicious the whole situation became. This makes me sad because I hate doing things out of anger, or to get revenge. It fucks with me and I feel like shit until I find a way to remedy the situation. Still no matter how much I told myself that when the time finally came for me to actually make a decision either way, there was going to be some malice/revenge involved somewhere.

Let’s be honest here. I am a little bitter about how my mother and the rest of my siblings have been treating me as of late. Every time I write out this check to them I am a little angry that I am supporting the happiness and well being of people that wouldn’t hesitate to call me, or the millions of guys out there like me, a fag and tell me I am going to hell. It bothers me how I am not good enough to be a part of the family, but how my money is still the right shade of green for them to use for whatever their little pious hearts require.

October was the first month I didn’t send my mother her check, it was oddly freeing and a little bit cathartic. I had been obsessing about this nonstop for so long that when I actually went through with it, I went days feeling like there was something I had forgotten to do. I wasn’t sure what I expected to come out of this whole debacle. I was positive she wasn’t going to call me up and apologize for hurting my feelings and invite me to Sunday dinner. If she had I would have lost all respect for her and probably never spoken to her again!

November started and for a second month I didn’t send my mom a check. Nothing has really changed for me though. Except this time around it feels a lot less cathartic and my guilt level has gone through the roof. It’s never really been about the money. I HATE MONEY! It was about me taking a stand and letting my mother know it was not okay for her to treat me this way. This was about me telling her that I wasn’t going to just let her walk all over me and take it. I have feelings and my feelings and well beings need to be considered before she tells me all the reasons why I am such an awful person.

So there you have it. Fuck altruism! When it comes right down to it, I am just as sadistic as the next bastard.

I blame New Zealand!

I tried so hard to get some work done! I REALLY REALLY DID! But the waves were MASSIVE ASSIVE yesterday! Seriously they were like 6ft with the occasional 12footer! Brad and I totally blew off all our responsibilities and headed out to our special spot before the sun came up, and we pretty much stayed there until we were too tired to walk back to our car.

I got absolutely nothing done, but how could I say no to mother nature when she clearly needed me to spend the day riding her (Did that sound dirty?)!? I woke up at 4:00 am this morning for my flight at 5:00 am. I am in NYC and I am freezing my ass off! It is so fucking cold I can't even tell you guys! Yesterday the water was about the same temperature as it is here in NYC, but I had a wetsuit and I was doing something I loved so it didn't really phase me! I am sitting in my apartment under an electric blanket and the heat all the way up and I am still freezing. I really really hate winter.

I have such a busy weekend going on and I really need to man up and deal with the cold weather! I have to be uptown tonight, midtown tomorrow night and New Jersey (I am seriously not looking forward to this one) Saturday night. Well I am going to put on a couple pairs of thermal underwear then my clothes and then my snowboarding jacket and meet some friends for dinner. I am not looking forward to this excursion at all!

I remember when my dad and I were searching for a place for me to live, and I was like, "OOOOO!! I want to live here!" and I my dad told me, "Are you sure that you want to live here? You are nowhere near a subway and I know how much you hate to go anywhere in the cold. Do you really think you will be able to deal with something like this everyday??" I was such a loser! I really should have listened to my dad and gotten a place a little closer to a fucking subway station.

Okay, I am totally done with my tangent now. Wish me luck guys.

chillaxing

I ended up crashing pretty early last night. I was just so beat from all my jetsetting and pants dropping that right after dinner with Brad I passed out on the couch! I woke up this morning refreshed and a lot less psycho than I was the day before. After missing an entire night of working, I decided to keep the momentum going by catching some waves. However when I got out there the ocean was soupy as hell and while it was clear that some of the waves were atleast 6ft, I didn't feel like getting rocked and swallowing half the ocean.

So what's a boy to do when he wants to play hookie all day when his sport of choice isn't a viable option? Some pool riding with a buddy from the dessert of course! While skateboarding is a lame substitute for surfing, there's something about pool skating that's kind of exhilarating. When it was all said and done, I was bleeding profusely from my left elbow and I am pretty sure that my right knee is going to be swollen as hell tomorrow. And I am so happy I went out there because that was more fun than I have had in a very long time! Plus having a swollen knee and a busted elbow are great excuses to stay home and get some work done...

I still have something on my mind that I need to think about, but like I said, I am way less neurotic about it now. Brad's bringing over some Pho, and then we are going to watch some movies before I try and make my second attempt at getting some actual work done. I fly out to my next excursion on Thursday and I want to at least finish the portrait that I have been slaving over for the last 2 weeks and maybe even start the stupid research for my paper. We will see...

Home! For awhile...

I somehow managed to stay away from the alcohol! Yet somehow, other recreational party substances made their way into my system...

I am beyond tired and I have a million things to do. Tonight Brad and I are going to have some "us" time, and then I am going to stay up all night painting and maybe if I get really crazy I might even start researching my 40 page APA format research paper. Yeah, I totally know how to live it up guys!

I have something kind of major on my mind... I am having some issues finding the words to put my feelings into terms a third person could understand. When I figure myself out a little more, I will let you guys in on it!

The Day After...

Last night was Halloween. There were a few parties, lots of alcohol, and people feeling me up everywhere I went. This is what I got for wearing some tiny shorts and roller skates as a costume, but damn I looked sexy!

This morning I woke up very sore and extremely hungover. November and December are going to be so jam packed with my obligations, I am not sure if I will have much time to post. I have done the math and I am going to be spending around 9 hours a week on an airplane, and almost 4 days a week in a different timezone than my own. I need a nap just thinking about all the shit I have to do!

I know that I am bitching about all the things I have going on, but it's all my own doing and most of it is going to be FUN. I almost feel guilty complaining because not only am I about to embark on one of the most amazing adventures of my life, but I am also getting compensated GENEROUSLY for it.

Okay I need to go. My hangover is kicking my ass. I am craving chicken mcnuggets, a Jamba Juice (strawberry surfrider) and one hour of jogging.

Crazy busy!

I am doing alright! I know I have been away for the last few days and I haven’t updated about what was going on with the fires (There was a whole string of negativity that I decided to delete because I couldn’t figure out how to respond to the comments without using profanity), but I have been a very busy boy. I have been painting like a machine, playing the perfect host to a gaggle of my friends, partying like a rockstar (It’s my second job! LITERALLY! Don’t ask.), and surfing like my life depended on it!

By Wednesday most of my friends had made other arrangements for housing or were allowed to return to their homes. For the select few that weren’t so lucky, I decided it would be fun to head north for a weekend of debauchery. My second job required my presence at Newport Beach Thursday night, and I knew it would be the perfect excuse to get all of us out of the smoke and ash. Plus my friends that were coming with me know how to have fun, and the event that I was working would be the perfect opportunity for them to help me out a little (everybody needs to earn their keep in the house of RGB). To say my friends lived up to all of my expectations would be a HUGE understatement! There are certain moments of that night I can’t fully recall, and most of my other memories have a pleasant little blurry feeling to them, but I KNOW we totally brought the fun.

On Friday we made our way to my hometown in LA. Most of my friends (that were with me) don’t know LA very well and were very curious to see where I grew up. Explaining that I grew up in a rural horse community by the ocean in Los Angeles didn’t make sense to them, as it wouldn’t most people, so I guess they had to see it to believe it! It was nice being home and seeing my family. I haven’t made it up here in over a month and I have been so busy that I forgot how much I really missed them! The rest of the weekend was dedicated to hiking down to all of my favorite surf spots. Oh yeah and a jog with my dad that has crippled me for life! I am not used to jogging such steep hills anymore and my dad totally embarrassed me by running circles around me on our “leisurely” morning jog. When it was all over I was hurting!

Now I am finally home! Brad and I are looking forward to returning to some kind of normalcy tomorrow as we both go back to school. We do still have a couple of guests in our house (that we are more than happy to have!) and there are a lot of people out there that aren’t nearly as lucky as we are , but it does feel good to lay down in my bed, wrap my arms around my boyfriend, and bask in the warmth and silence that is my home. Tomorrow with everything that has happened I have a million things to catch up on, and a million new things I need to start on, but right now at this very moment, I am enjoying having absolutely nothing to do except stay up all night with Brad.

FIRE!!

I don’t have a lot of time. So really fast, San Diego is on fire but I am completely safe where I am. However a lot of my friends weren’t so lucky and to make a long story short, I have about 15 people camped out in my house. It’s kind of weird because a couple months ago I was freaking out about getting a 4 bedroom house wondering why the hell I would need that much room living all by my lonesome. Yet magically my house has had more than 3 people in it since the day I moved in. I guess I was crazy to think I would have trouble filling such a large home!

Brad and I are having loads and loads of fun entertaining our gaggle of house guests, and with school and work being canceled we are going to have a lot of time to hang. I have a couple of HUGE projects that I need to get done, so I guess we will see how this is all going to fit into my already hectic schedule. But I always do my best work under pressure. So maybe this won’t be such a bad thing after all…

The Epiphany

"When he turned and kissed me on the hill behind the campus and I felt his stubble on my face and it was like an anthem from the future singing yes, finally, finally you will know what it is to feel love."

Andy Towle

We have all had that moment, that magical epiphany where the possibility of happiness isn’t as unattainable as we originally thought. It’s a moment of joy and hope and a million other things that let us know life is worth living. Something in you changes, at first is unnoticeable, and all of a sudden your whole world seems different all because you are different!

When I finally noticed that change in myself, all I wanted to do was share it with everybody I loved. The second I made that decision I understood that there would be many people in my life that wouldn’t understand. However, I believe if you love somebody you have to let them love all of you or it’s all meaningless! Love means that you see everything that a person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow you accept it all and love them anyway (or in some cases even more than before!).

Before I go any further I would like to make something very clear. I would rather have somebody chastise my reality, than love my illusion! I have received a lot of emails on my previous post. One of the reasons why it’s taken so long for this following post is because I was responding to each of the emails I received.

Now that I have come out to everybody, and I have some free time to think back on all that I have gained, and lost, I am alright with how things turned out. I have lost a few friends and a few family members during this whole process, but I have gained a new level of intimacy with every person in my life that was able to accept me for who I am. All the pain and sadness are nothing compared to the ability to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

For the most part coming out has been an amazing and POSITIVE experience and I wouldn’t change a moment in that process! For every negative experience I had, there were 10 positive ones I appreciated even more because of those not so pleasant. Life is never perfect, and it’s always hard because each of our decisions bring on a million consequences we never saw coming. However those consequences have made me who I am today, and when it gets right down to it, I really like who I am!

Don’t let my coming out experience with my mother influence you to not come out to yours. You could be cheating yourself out of one of the most important moments in your entire life. There is always some fear of being hurt by those we love, but remember your perseverance shows how much you love them back and your surrender shows how much you don’t.

Repost 2/7/07: The Burn

--edit--

It's no secret my mother has been emphatically against me being gay. Since the moment I told her I was gay, she has become increasingly aggressive with her desire to get me to change. Stopping to consider how this affects me doesn't seem to cross her mind, and figuring out ways to hurt me seems like it's her new favorite past time. When I originally posted this, I asked myself a question. "Was it worth it?" I know I can't change the past, but answering this question truthfully now, will affect my perception of my mother forever. I talk about this as if I haven't already come to a conclusion, which would be an absolute fallacy. Last night my mother and a few of my brothers and sisters made me aware of how unwelcome I am. My mom even brought up this very incident and asked me what happened to her son who used to stand for something. Truthfully, I have no idea what happened to the son she remembers, he's certainly not anywhere I have looked.

I have this scar on my arm. It starts at my elbow and it used to go all the way down to my wrist. Over the years my scar has shrank and faded away due to my aunt’s (she’s a dermatologist) constant care. Still the memory of how I received my scar has never faded.

Most people don’t know the difference between the degrees of burns. A first degree burn means that the outer layer of skin has been burned, the epidermis. A second degree burn means that the burn got through the outer layer of skin and damaged the second layer, the dermis. A third degree burn goes right through the first two layers of skin and damages the hypodermis. It can also involve muscle damage and even burn all the way down to the bone.

Third degree burns are tricky bastards. They burn through the nerves, so they don’t actually hurt. The only pain that people feel, are from the areas where there are second and first degree burns. So the fact that you can’t feel it actually tricks you into thinking that you aren’t as hurt as you actually are. For a few moments you think that you might actually be okay. It’s a lot like when a cartoon character runs off the side of a cliff, and for a moment he's floating in midair, but then he looks down! If only he hadn’t looked down, he would have stayed suspended in the air indefinitely.

When the iron frying pan came crashing down on my arm, it felt cold. I thought that I was invincible. Then I saw chunks of my skin stuck to the bottom of the pan as he raised it up to hit me again. I heard my skin sizzle, and I knew I was hurt. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother behind me. She was pregnant with my sister, and I knew I had to do whatever it took to protect her.

I was getting out of the shower last night, drying off in front of the mirror. I looked up at my reflection and I noticed my scar for the first time in a long time. I remembered who gave it to me, and why I had it, and for a split second I thought to myself, “Was it worth it?”

My mother can’t even look at me anymore. She’s treating me like I am a disposable nothing. She makes me feel like she wishes I would die tomorrow, so at least she could preserve the memory of who I was, and not who I am or will one day become. That way she could pretend that I wasn’t a sinner and I wasn’t damned to burn in hell.

--edit--

The scariest moment in my life wasn't this one. I know it seems pretty bad, but in the grand scheme of my life it barely cracks the top 5. The scariest moment of my life was the moment I realized that my mother wasn't going to be there for me because I am gay. It was scary because I knew even being surrounded by so many people that cared for me, my mother wouldn't be one of them and nobody could replace her. I have since come to realize that it could get even worse. Most of my brothers and sisters are now proud members of the, RGB is going to burn in hell alliance. It's a lot to take in. I am doing my best to not let this be a bigger deal than it is. But it kind of feels like a pretty big deal. Maybe I should do my best to take solace in the fact that they are doing this because they love me. Still if that were the case. I kind of wish they didn't love me so much.

Labeling shit sucks!

For a very long time, I have felt guilty that maybe my boyfriend is into me a little more than I am into him. Don't get me wrong! I think Brad is so genuine, caring and SMART I can't even tell you! Plus the fact that he is the most gorgeous guy I have ever been with doesn't hurt. It's just sometimes, when it gets very quiet and we are both left alone with our thoughts, every so often I find myself missing Eddie so much it hurts.

One day, not very long ago, after having one of those painful moments of thinking about Eddie; I looked over at Brad, and all of a sudden I felt better. I don't know what it was. He didn't say anything special, or do something different. Still something about us had changed in my mind and I felt like I was seeing Brad for the first time. Five minutes earlier, had Eddie walked up to my house and rang my doorbell I would have kicked Brad out of my house so fast he wouldn't have known what happened. Yet somehow five minutes later I felt like this was actually a lot like falling in love.

I never knew it was possible that my heart could belong to two people at once, but I realize now that as long as I live I will always love Eddie and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I am just happy to know my heart is big enough to love someone else also. There's still a part of me that's not over Eddie, and still feels guilty when I am with Brad. But there's an even larger part of myself that couldn't imagine life turning out any other way. I am an indecisive mess, I over think everything, and I am never content with what I have; Brad better be falling for me also because I think we might just have something special here.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you'll like me...

Bright Eyes

I felt like Connor's words really fit the mood. Was it too much?

Drainage issues

Something happened with the washing machine last night... Instead of the water going down the drain during the spin cycle, it ended up all over my garage floor! I tried to be all "responsible" and mop up the water (you can see the mop handle on the bottom right hand of the picture!), but has anybody tried mopping up an entire 3 car garage all by themselves!? It's not an easy task. I got bored, so instead brad and I went skateboarding.

I miss the days, when I could just shout down the hall to my parents that the washing machine has exploded and then they had to take care of it while I went outside to play! Being a grown up is hard work! I am going surfing to see if maybe the problem will take care of itself while I am gone...

Conversations: By Me and Jane

What was the name of that movie with those people in it and they did that stuff!? It’s been bugging me all day and I just can’t think of what it’s called!

You are going to have to be a little more specific than that…

Well… That girl was in it that was on that show we hated and then it got cancelled and then she did that other show nobody watched but it stayed on for like a million years. Oh! And it also had that guy in it that I hate because he looks like a HUGE douche bag!

Oh! You mean, The Skulls”!!

Yeah THE SKULLS! Do you want to go to Jamba Juice?

Nobody ever got me the way she does.

Bad Day Gone Good

I started out having a pretty crappy day. I was moping around the house like a 15 year old girl who just got dumped by her first boyfriend. Then Brad reminded me that we had a project to get started on in the backyard today!! I love using my caulking gun! It always cheers me up when I am feeling a little down.

There's something about working with my hands and doing something productive that relaxes me. If it weren't for the fact that my dad would murder me in my sleep (my dad has serious issues with ANY of his children pursuing a career that doesn't require an advanced degree in some kind of science), I would become a carpenter. How crazy is it that I can be as gay as I want, but if I even think about becoming a blue collar worker I am going to be automatically disowned!? With our powers combined, Brad and I were able to create a really cool table for the center I work at.

Right now Brad's in the shower, but when he gets out he is going to make me the best dinner ever and then we are probably going to have some sex. I am pretty sure that I have found the secret to turning a frown upside down. How jealous are you guys!?

Like Peas and Carrots

As most of you know, my best friend on the planet is Tyler. He is my brother for all intents and purposes minus the whole DNA part. What I haven’t mentioned is Jane. Jane would be the female version of Tyler, and together the three of us were inseparable all from our early childhood all the way through high school graduation. Jane is the epitome of tomboy sexiness. Her mom was a model and her dad was an actor, so she is blessed with AMAZING genes. Still she was never one of those girls that wasted half their lives primping and preening, she didn’t care about getting dirty and she was always super tough and that earned her a spot as the only girl in our surf group.

We all had pretty liberal parents, so all the way until the day we graduated we were still having sleepovers and food fights in each other’s living rooms. None of our parents ever objected to the fact that we had a girl sleeping in our room because they realized a long time ago that we would never think about Jane in any other way than our friend. No matter how cool we were trying to be, or who we were trying to impress, when we were around each other it was like being 7 all over again. Suddenly having fun took priority over looking cool, and most shenanigans ended with all eyes on us (and never because of how well mannered we were!).

Anyway after we graduated high school, Jane moved to England for her degree and later to Tokyo for hew new job. We wrote emails to each other non-stop for all the years she has been gone, and every once in awhile a tour date would come up where she was in town and we would be able to hang out in random cities all over the world. She was one of the first people I actually came out to because I didn’t have to look her in the eyes when I told her. So in some ways I am grateful that she was gone so I could get that weight off my chest and get the ball rolling, but for a million other reasons I have always wished that she could be here for me. For so long she has been an abstract memory in the back of my mind, now after almost 7 years, she’s home for good! How fucked up is it that one of the first things I thought about telling her was, “I wish you could have been around to see Eddie and how amazing we were together.”? Oh well…

Tyler, Jane, and RGB; we are a little bit older, and a little bit wiser, but still, it’s just like old times.

Alcohol induced Amnesia...

Have you ever seen a picture of yourself with some random chick's hands on you? But not only did you NOT recognize the hands that are groping you all over, but the underwear in said picture have also disappeared since that night!? Ummmm yeah... Me neither...

The new roommate

My uncle is moving in with me. It’s not as bad as it sounds! He’s only 8 years older than me, he’s just going through a difficult separation with his wife right now and I have the room to spare while he figures things out. When he called me to ask if it was cool to stay with me, he sounded completely defeated. It was very hard to hear him like this, because growing up he always seemed invincible and above all these negative emotions that us mere mortals feel on a daily basis. I guess that the older I get the more human the people around me I used to look up to become.

This whole situation seems a bit surreal and will stay that way until my uncle actually starts living with me next week. I guess I am still a little shocked that even somebody like my uncle could go through such a tough patch like this. He’s the coolest most genuine guy I have ever known! I have always looked up to him for many reasons, he’s funny, creative, and caring, but mostly it’s because he has this quality about him where he is able to bring out the best in everybody around him.

While I am super excited we are going to be roomies for awhile, I am still a little bit apprehensive to confront the possibility that he’s not the superhero I have always assumed he was. However the more I think about it, the more I realize I am being ridiculous! Sharing this time with my uncle will only help us grow closer because our relationship will evolve into something more special and intimate than it ever could have been before. No longer will I be a boy idolizing this iconic figure, I will be his equal and his friend.

So yeah, I guess that it took me awhile to come around to the idea of my uncle being my new roommate, but now I am pretty psyched by the whole thing. The only person more excited about my uncle and I living together is my lola. My uncle was her last child and I was her first grandchild, so we have always been the favorites, and the babies of the bunch. To this day she still refers to both of us as, “the babies”. I am looking forward to her visits when she comes down for the day and spends the whole time cooking all the Filipino yumminess that she is famous for!

A lot of my friends have been bringing up a very specific issue about living with my uncle, so I am sure a lot of you guys are thinking about it also. This issue is how living with my uncle would affect my comfort level and my, “lifestyle”. It’s a pretty simple answer. My uncle grew up with 3 old sisters that were lesbians. Not only were they much older, they were also much wilder and he has seen more gay shenanigans than I have ever been able to possibly imagine! I am not even a little bit worried that he will cramp my style, or somehow inhibit me because he’s seen more and probably done more than I ever will. Trust me that it’s all good!

A lot going on!

Let's see... I guess I will start with the most recent event and work backward! This weekend I drove up to LA with the boyfriend and we went to LA invasion, and the LA County Fair. They were both pretty awesome, and both events pretty much sucked all the energy from me until all that remained was this lifeless husk of a man typing this post before you! At the concert, I was lucky enough to get backstage and ham it up with some of my favorite bands, so that was super exciting. Then today I made my annual visit to the LA county fair with all of my friends like we do every year, and we had an awesome time being the goofy losers that we are.





Also this passed week I finally finished setting up all the final details in my new house. It's spectacular and I love having all this space all to myself! Even though technically Brad has spent just as much time (if not more) in my house than I have. I also started a new job that I am kind of psyched about. I am working for this small LGBT community center teaching digital media to teens. Once everybody got over the fact that I wasn't in high school and haven't been a teenager in a few years, we were able to accomplish a lot!

I have also been painting a lot. I am going to be showing a few pieces at a friend's gallery in LA in a couple weeks so I am trying to finish up the stuff I promised and get it up to her soon. Hmmmm what else have I been up to? Oh yeah! I think I might be falling in love again. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I just wanted to throw that out there and see how it feels... I am going to go and pass out in the shower now.

Beach Fun

People get so fucking territorial over their surf spots sometimes! Somehow they think that entire strips of PUBLIC beach belong to nobody but their little crews and anybody that tries to surf on their turf is asking for trouble. This morning the boyfriend and I decided to ummm ask for trouble I guess. On a completely separate topic, I am sick and tired of calling my guy, “the boyfriend”, his name is Bradley. Now back to my morning! The local waves sucked but we heard about this awesome secluded spot about 45mins north of where we were. So we hopped into the car and made the trip to this “awesome beach” and it was everything they told us it would be.

The problem became painfully obvious about 20 minutes into our session when a couple of drunk bros paddled out and started to cause some problems. At first they were just being annoying, but they soon escalated to whatever the next level of annoying is. All I had to do was, be the bigger man and ignore the pricks, but unfortunately I am a little bit of a prick myself and I can also be EXTREMELY immature if all the conditions are perfect. This morning was one of those days where everything was just right for me to ummm, shine...

I said some stuff to them, I'm not remembering my exact words, but it was something along the lines of, “inbred dog fuckers with faces so hideous that only their mom’s could love them, which incidentally seemed to be the main problem.” I am pretty sure I threw in a few of the general insults about their breath, looks, mothers and sexuality for good measure. My slams were harsher, my wit was sharper, and my jokes came faster. So they did what all people do when they have been outmatched, they got violent. Well first they threatened to go and get the rest of their friends and then fight us, but I called them, ummm, a name, and they totally lost it!

I have never seen my Bradley fight. I know that he has definitely been in a few fights but I had no idea how well he could handle himself! They both came after me at once because I was the one with the big mouth. Before I had a chance to react, Bradley had tackled both of them and was on top of one of them beating him senseless. I grabbed the other one’s arm, twisted it behind his back, and pressed my knee into his neck as I watched my Bradley kick ass. How wrong is it that the first thing I wanted to do once we were done there, was have sex with Bradley? He was pretty angry with me for not shutting up and basically starting the fight on purpose, but he forgave me fast enough...

My extended Labor Day weekend.

On Wednesday my dad drove down from LA to meet with a business associate and decided that it was time for him to meet the new boyfriend. I know that I have been pretty reluctant to do anything to further this relationship since it started, but I was actually really looking forward to my dad meeting, “the boyfriend”. In a strange coincidence it turns out that my boyfriend’s uncle is one of my father’s oldest friends! The conversation flowed pretty well the entire meal because of that.

By the time we had finished, my dad had to hop back into his car to make it in time to catch a flight in LA going to Singapore. But before he left he offered to let us stay in his beach house up north for the holiday weekend. We had plans, but nothing super exciting, so we both called a few friends (10 in total) and headed up to my dad’s place that afternoon for a weekend of drunken shenanigans!

We got to my dad’s beach house just before midnight and quickly unloaded all of the luggage and extra people so we could make it to the supermarket before it closed. There’s this stupid law in California which prohibits the sale of alcohol after 2am and it’s always a damper on the evening when you show up to buy some vodka at 2 minutes past 2 only to be DENIED! I felt like a total lush at the checkout line at the grocery store. We walked out of that store with $500 of alcohol and about $75 of food.

This weekend has mostly been a blur of drinking, surfing, and laughing, but one thing in particular is going to stay with me as vividly as if it were happening right now. There was one moment when I was sitting with my buddy and his girlfriend was laying in his lap talking to somebody to his right, and “the boyfriend” was sitting in between my legs with his back to me talking to somebody at my left. The whole situation felt so normal and natural, I didn’t feel like I was a freak and like there was something wrong with me, and I could tell that nobody else was thinking anything like that about me either. I don’t know if I am explaining this right, but the normality of it all made me feel happy in a way that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I think I just got used to everybody telling me this was a part of myself I needed to hide. It made me forget how accepting the people in my life that truly care about me really are.

I really needed this weekend, but I had no idea how much until right at this very moment as I typed those words. It’s been hard for me to articulate the feelings that I have been trying my hardest to deal with. This weekend has been a huge reminder of why I gave up what I did, and what I am expecting to get back in return. People are going to start waking up soon and I have decided that I am going to make breakfast for everybody because I am suddenly in a very good mood.

Moving

The boyfriend and I just got back from the best night session of surfing EVER! We found the perfect spot where we were able to take advantage of the waves and the stupid wind wasn't a problem. Then there's the fact that the boyfriend is an amazing surfer! I can sit back and watch him tear it up all night long because he's so awesome out there. Now I have a little time to kill before the lunar eclipse starts, so I am going to write about my moving experience this past weekend.

I spent my weekend moving the rest of my stuff out of mine and Eddie’s house. I tried not to dwell on the memories or that [extremely] small part of me that secretly hoped Eddie would burst through the doors and beg me to stay (Yeah I know that would be a bit much, but I am gay and I love overly cheesy gay shit like that because of it! Leave me alone!). So I invited a bunch of friends and the current boyfriend over for a whole weekend of packing up all my stuff and taking it all down to San Diego to my new place. I have to say that the weekend ended up being a lot more fun than I was expecting. There was drinking, laughing, a few of broken items that could never be replaced, and so many funny little incidents that will provide enough inside jokes and nicknames to last the next few years easy!

I totally lucked out with my new place. It’s literally across the street from campus and I can see the beach from my bedroom! The rent was a little higher than I was planning on spending, but I have 3 bedrooms and if I got a roommate it would be way less than what my original budget would have been. The current boyfriend is already plotting how he can claim half of my closet space and the left side of my bed. The only downside is that it won’t be ready to move into for another 3 weeks! 5 frat guys used to live in the house and it’s completely destroyed. The walls need to be repaired, the carpet needs to be replaced, the plumbing is shit and needs work, and there are several cracked and broken windows that all need to be replaced.

So for the next 2 weeks I am going to be living with the boyfriend… Yeah I know I said I was going to be taking things slow with this guy, but I already lived with him for a month, what’s an extra 3 weeks? Besides, if I have already lived with him, and I chose not to stay with him while my place was getting renovated I would be moving backwards not slower. Also temporarily staying with the boyfriend isn’t even taking things slower or speeding things up, it’s just continuing at the same pace we have been going at all along since our relationship began while we were living together! Right??

What I don't say

I didn’t realize how much I missed you until I saw you waiting for me at the luggage carousel. You ran up to me and we embraced. When your arms first went around me, I could feel the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. Somehow you made everything better just by being there for me and understanding what I was feeling without ever saying a word. I shed a few tears, but I wiped them away before our eyes met again. You didn’t notice, or at least you didn’t say anything (and if that’s the case, thank you!). I wasn’t sad. I was relieved and I was happy and I was completely overwhelmed with these new emotions I wasn’t expecting.

As soon as we collected my luggage, we jumped into your car and went straight to In & Out. As we sat there eating our double doubles, we laughed and joked around. I can’t remember our eyes leaving each other for more than 5 seconds that entire meal. Don’t even bother asking me what we were talking about, because I can’t seem to recall that either. All that I can remember are your eyes, your smile, and your voice, all of which comforted me in ways that I could never explain.

Would it be wrong of me to tell you that when you came along, you were completely unwanted? I had just gotten out of the most intense relationship of my life, and just starting to come to terms with my new role as a man-whore. Then you came along and turned my world upside down before I had a chance to tell you to go away! But things change. Even now as you are sleeping next to me while I write this, you are bringing me comfort.

When we first met, I knew that you were special and I was upset because I thought the timing was all wrong. I felt like we could never share anything special because this was all too much too soon. I didn’t think I was ready for you because even now, at this very moment, I am still not over Eddie. However, being with you helps me see that it’s possible to find happiness with someone other than Eddie (or maybe it just shows me how much of a fickle bastard I am) because I am so completely happy with you. This thing that we have could be good, it could even be great. We are just going to have to take it slow; because I don’t think I can take anymore heartbreak.

Dilemna

I have been getting a lot of criticism lately from my friends, colleagues, and superiors. Everybody has an opinion on what I am doing wrong and what I need to do in order to improve. Most of these comments range from drop dead, to stop being gay, and all of them require me sacrificing a part of myself. The one unifying idea seems to be I am not worthy of my life because I am gay. They are all kind enough to let me know that nobody has anything against “the gays” there’s just no room for it in what I do. They approach the subject like I had a choice in the way I am and I am only like this to inconvenience them.

When is enough, enough? This is the question that I have been asking myself a lot lately. This is also something that I have found quite difficult to figure out on my own. My entire life I have been forced to submit to forces more powerful than I am, and over the years I have become accustomed to accepting this without hesitation. I brush it off and tell myself it’s because I am a non-confrontational person, but deep down I know it’s because I am scared.

I tell myself and anybody that will listen I am over letting people make me feel less than I really am. I stare into the mirror and I sweet talk my reflection until I have convinced it that I do in fact have some small sliver of self esteem left. There was a time when I could have pulled off this lie no problem, but that time has passed. The truth is I think less of myself, than I do my drug addicted alcoholic ex-stepfather.

I want to say I feel like this because of all the unfortunate things that have happened throughout my life; like the physical, emotional abuse, the abandonment, or even my sponsor telling me that the person I am makes me less worthy than everybody else around me. The thing is, I have no one to blame but myself for the way I feel right now. I am the only person that has the power to make me feel ANYTHING. I learned a long time ago I am responsible for my own life and the way I choose to live it. In the end I will have nobody to blame but myself.

It’s not like I don’t have any options here! I just don’t want to feel like I have been defeated. If I leave this whole mess I want to make sure that I leave on my own terms, but at the same time I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness to make a point. Which brings me back to my original question, When is enough, enough!?

Going on a Trip!

I am packing up the last of my stuff here in San Diego. I have a little less than 24 hours before I leave on my trip to Western Europe. My maybe boyfriend is a little bit sad about me leaving so soon after we met, but the fact that we are going to college less than 10 minutes away from each other (walking) makes things a lot less upsetting. I am extremely confused about this new relationship. I have no idea what it is or where it is going, but it's sort of exciting to be able to relate to somebody in a way that makes me feel less of a freak.

These have been a good 3 weeks for me here in San Diego. I was able to fully recharge my batteries, I met somebody that makes me smile, and I was finally able to come to terms with my decisions as an athlete. Now it's time for my next adventure. I plan on making sure that these next few weeks are as crazy as possible, complete with drunken shenanigans and a fair amount of public nakedness.

I am pretty excited about going, but I absolutely HATE packing and unpacking for all of my trips! This trip especially, has been causing me lots of issues because of my need for wardrobe that has been packed away for the season. Clothes that I usually only need for December and January when it gets a little nippy, I am going to need for the month of August!

Anywho... About the song! I am not obsessed with Adam Brody. Yeah, I think that he's an attractive guy, but he doesn't get me going. It's all about this song! It's called, "All the fish in the sea are sluts" and it's my new obsession! It's from a band called, Big Japan, and yes, Adam Brody is in it but I still stand by my proclamation of non-obsession. Give the song a listen, it's awesome, and it's the first song in a very long time that doesn't remind me of Eddie! I am totally fickle to the point of disgust aren't I?

Drawing the line

My kinda sorta but not really boyfriend that I am maybe in a little bit of a relationship with, called me on my bullshit today. He definitely made some valid points, but I didn't want to hear them. There's nothing worse than fucking up and knowing exactly what you are doing wrong, then having somebody come along to point out all the things you already know you are messing up with! I must be the biggest masochist ever because I surround myself with people that aren't afraid to stand up for what's important to them, then berate me for not doing the same. It's just hard for me to make a line for myself that I refuse to cross and stand by my choice no matter what.

I am in LA right now with my fake (but not really) boyfriend. We left the camp on Friday to come up to the So Bay to watch a few of our friends compete in the X-games. It's weird meeting all of this dude's friends and having him meet all of mine. It almost feels like a real relationship... I keep on having to tell myself that we are @ camp so things are a lot more intense here than it would be in any other setting. I mean in what other situation would you spend 24 hours a, day 7 days a week, with somebody that you just met!?

Don't call this a comeback!

Surf camp is fucking amazing! It's like a million times better than I remembered it and I have no idea why I haven't spent my entire summer here. I showed up just in time for the AM surf sessions on Sunday, and DAMN! I have seen the future and it's all good. I actually competed with a bunch of the junior counselors and older campers in my last ProAm. Of course I owned them, but this isn't a surf camp for noobs and I can already tell this is going to be as much work as it is fun to keep these guys impressed out there.

I spent lunch on my first day moving around all the different tables trying to get to know all of the 24 elite surfers. They range in age from 14 - 19 and male to female. I was particularly impressed by the fact that we had 10 girls in this session, which was a HUGE jump from the last time I did surf camp and we were lucky to see more than 4 girls the whole summer.

This is when I met the coolest guy I will ever know, Brad. I walked up to a table with 4 girls and 1 guy. I naturally assumed that like any other boy with a perfectly sculpted surfer's body, and perfectly sun bleached hair, he was trying to get laid. However, the second that we began introductions, I discovered that Brad was in fact a friend of Dorothy! I should have known, but there is such an unaffected air to him that it took me off guard because not many guys his age in his situation are as comfortable in their own skin as he is.

Why is he so cool you ask? It's actually all quite simple. To anybody that has ever gone out to catch a wave, competitively. They understand the machismo and attitude that is involved in accomplishing such a feat. Riding a wave is the ultimate sign of masculinity because it's man taking the awesome power of mother nature for a ride, and doing it with style! You need to be a cocky bastard bursting with testosterone to compete at the level these guys are at. Even if it's not in your nature, you fake it to fit in. But this guy is 100% himself, no pretense, all him. The kid is 3 years younger than me and I have only known him for 1 week, but he's already my hero because he has the bravery and confidence in himself to not be ashamed.

This dude just made my top 10 list for coolest people ever!