Friday, October 12, 2007

Labeling shit sucks!


For a very long time, I have felt guilty that maybe my boyfriend is into me a little more than I am into him. Don't get me wrong! I think Brad is so genuine, caring and SMART I can't even tell you! Plus the fact that he is the most gorgeous guy I have ever been with doesn't hurt. It's just sometimes, when it gets very quiet and we are both left alone with our thoughts, every so often I find myself missing Eddie so much it hurts.

One day, not very long ago, after having one of those painful moments of thinking about Eddie; I looked over at Brad, and all of a sudden I felt better. I don't know what it was. He didn't say anything special, or do something different. Still something about us had changed in my mind and I felt like I was seeing Brad for the first time. Five minutes earlier, had Eddie walked up to my house and rang my doorbell I would have kicked Brad out of my house so fast he wouldn't have known what happened. Yet somehow five minutes later I felt like this was actually a lot like falling in love.

I never knew it was possible that my heart could belong to two people at once, but I realize now that as long as I live I will always love Eddie and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I am just happy to know my heart is big enough to love someone else also. There's still a part of me that's not over Eddie, and still feels guilty when I am with Brad. But there's an even larger part of myself that couldn't imagine life turning out any other way. I am an indecisive mess, I over think everything, and I am never content with what I have; Brad better be falling for me also because I think we might just have something special here.

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different
I mean I really think you'll like me...

Bright Eyes

I felt like Connor's words really fit the mood. Was it too much?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful and your feelings are normal. I looks like you didn't have a lot of closure when you broke up with Eddie, and because of that moving on becomes extremely confusing. I think it's great you didn't dismiss a relationship because you weren't ready, or you didn't try and force something that didn't fit. You let things work out on their own and now you are in a good place. You are a special guy, and I want to thank you for sharing this with us.

Travis said...

You have been very reluctant about this relationship since the very beginning. It seems like you are finally giving in and letting yourself experience something new. I am happy for you!

Trevor said...

I have been waiting for you to come to this inevitable conclusion for a very long while now. You two are great for each other and everybody knows it but you! Welcome to the party dude.

Jason said...

It's good that you are finally letting your guard down. You have something extremely special here and it's about time you took notice. aI remember when I first met brad back in August and I knew then that this wasn't some kind of summer thing. I don't know how you have managed to find two amazing guys back to back, but you did! Now it's time to appreciate it.

Mike said...

I luv Brad's white socks. So cute!!