Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sometimes, I smoke.

Ever since I started earning enough money to do so, I have always given my mother a portion of it. Over the years the amount of money that I have given good ol’ mom was proportionate to how munch money I was making at the time, but for the last 2 years it’s been pretty much the same. I don’t mind helping out my mother, she needs the money and I have it to give.

However this year has been especially hard for me to get money to her because my income has been sporadic at best. Then once Eddie and I broke up, my financial burdens became a lot more apparent. I had a pretty decent job that covered all of my needs, but it didn’t leave me with much to give to my mom. This is when I accepted a position working for an old sponsor completely outside of anything they had ever paid me to do before. It’s fun work and it provides me with more than enough money to give my mother, and pay all my bills, and purchase all the candy and junk food myself and an army of like minded people could ever ear!

Still no matter how much fun my second job is, it’s still a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. I am always tired, I have very little free time to spend with my friends or my boyfriend, and I am constantly playing catch up with all the things I need to get done (homework, work work, housework, etc.). So while I do enjoy what my job requires of me, I would much rather stay home and take pleasure in the more simple things life has to offer. The only reason why I am sacrificing my time, my sleep and maybe even my relationship is for my mother.

For over a year I have been forced to deal with a lot of shit she has thrown my way. There have been plenty of tears and more pain and self destruction than I care to admit, or even think about. Still I was always optimistic that she would accept me and move on. However lately I feel like my optimism is doing more harm to my general wellbeing than anything else. I have finally reached a point where I feel like maybe it is time to stop taking all her crap and move on.

My mother is by no means, a poor woman. She makes over 100k a year, lives in a 7 bedroom home (fully paid off), and drives a Mercedes SUV. That said, she is stretched pretty thin. I have 5 siblings and 4 cousins that live with my mother full time. She is a single parent and she is putting all of her children (even the ones she didn’t birth) through private school, and very expensive club sports.

I had been thinking about stopping the whole money thing with my mother for over a year for a plethora of reasons. The least of all the reasons being malice, which I didn’t want my mom to accuse me of. Still the longer I put off these feelings, the more malicious the whole situation became. This makes me sad because I hate doing things out of anger, or to get revenge. It fucks with me and I feel like shit until I find a way to remedy the situation. Still no matter how much I told myself that when the time finally came for me to actually make a decision either way, there was going to be some malice/revenge involved somewhere.

Let’s be honest here. I am a little bitter about how my mother and the rest of my siblings have been treating me as of late. Every time I write out this check to them I am a little angry that I am supporting the happiness and well being of people that wouldn’t hesitate to call me, or the millions of guys out there like me, a fag and tell me I am going to hell. It bothers me how I am not good enough to be a part of the family, but how my money is still the right shade of green for them to use for whatever their little pious hearts require.

October was the first month I didn’t send my mother her check, it was oddly freeing and a little bit cathartic. I had been obsessing about this nonstop for so long that when I actually went through with it, I went days feeling like there was something I had forgotten to do. I wasn’t sure what I expected to come out of this whole debacle. I was positive she wasn’t going to call me up and apologize for hurting my feelings and invite me to Sunday dinner. If she had I would have lost all respect for her and probably never spoken to her again!

November started and for a second month I didn’t send my mom a check. Nothing has really changed for me though. Except this time around it feels a lot less cathartic and my guilt level has gone through the roof. It’s never really been about the money. I HATE MONEY! It was about me taking a stand and letting my mother know it was not okay for her to treat me this way. This was about me telling her that I wasn’t going to just let her walk all over me and take it. I have feelings and my feelings and well beings need to be considered before she tells me all the reasons why I am such an awful person.

So there you have it. Fuck altruism! When it comes right down to it, I am just as sadistic as the next bastard.


R*Y A N said...

Another good post, RGB, showing how conscientious you are with your thought processes.

Just one question, though.

Did you really believe all the reasons you gave?

I hope so.

Jason said...

You did the right thing. You shouldn't allow anybody to just walk all over you no matter who they are! You are an amazingly kind and sensitive man who deserves so much more than that. The fact that you feel bad about taking a stand for yourself just shows that you are the very opposite of sadistic or vengeful or any other negative thing you would want to label yourself!

You made a hard decision that really made you a loser no matter what you chose. Don't start second guessing yourself now. I am extremely proud of you.

Briana said...

No offense to your mom, but she's nuts! From a woman's point of view you are more than any mother could ever hope and dream for. You are caring, compassionate, strong, and intelligent man. I have to agree with everybody else who has commented that you have done the best you could in your situation. I am sure you don't think so right now, but you are a good man. Smile and be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished.

Anonymous said...

I can't figure you out. You say one thing and do another. If you don't want to do something out of malice then work out your issues and don't. It's not as hard as you are making it out to be. Your drama is really tiring.

Anonymous said...

I say I did the right thing, but if I may suggest, then you need to fix and smooth your mind process a little.

I know that money can make people worn out, but changing a money posting pattern is a process and first time condition of changes is always the most bumpy ones.

Don't worry, you and your mother will get through. Just make sure, you both manage to get your emotion in the efficiency process.

J.C. Carvill

Bold oy! said...

It's sad how religion twists peoples mind.
Don't feel any guilt.
The guilty ones are those who accept your generosity and treat you like shit.