Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sick days

Usually when I end up in the hospital, it’s my own fault. It is not uncommon for the doctor to tell me I’ve broken, torn, dislocated or ripped something and am in need of stitches/x-rays/casts/MRI’s/etc. I am usually okay with these kind of trips to the hospital because I earned these injuries by being awesome and even though I was in pain, I was in control of how it happened so there was nothing to be frustrated or feel helpless about. That’s in sharp contrast to when I get sick, which always turns into a big production with me because of my shitty ass lungs!

When I was an infant I got a really bad case of pneumonia and I almost died. After spending over a month in the hospital I was finally cleared to go home, but the pneumonia had done permanent damage to my lungs and it’s effected me a lot the first 10 years of my life then it just went away. That’s when I started playing sports and going crazy with every single outdoor activity my parents would let me take part in. The year I turned 10 was big for me. It was the first time I went surfing, the first time I strapped on a pair of hockey skates, the first time I climbed a mountain, the first time I rode my bike to the beach without using my inhaler once. For 7 years I was on top of the world and never once did I get a single ashtma attack or come down with pneumonia.

Then it all started again. It never got as bad as it did when I was a kid, but it’s never been like it was for that short time when I totally forgot that I actually had a defective body. This last case of pneumonia and subsequent asthma attacks were a total flashback to the early days in the life of RGB. There was a moment when I was surrounded by a whole team of doctors as they were trying to stabilize my oxygen levels and failing miserably where I actually thought I was going to die. I felt (and still do) so betrayed by my own body that I became completely and irrationally disgusted with myself.

So much of my self esteem is tied into my physical ability that I don’t even know who I am (or what I will do) if I can’t be the man that I was. I feel so weak and feeble that I actually disgust myself thinking too much about it. I can’t even go a day without my inhaler or 2 days without having to pull out my fucking nebulizer. This is so fucking depressing to me that I have literally broken down in tears during my treatments on multiple occasions. I can’t stand having people around me right now because this isn’t me! I am not supposed to be this weak and pathetic! I am a trained deadly fighter, a pro athlete, and an ivy league graduate, but I can’t even walk myself to the fucking living room without 12 people tripping over themselves to make sure I don’t over exert myself and die of hypoxia in the hallway. This is embarrassing.

Bradley is still pretty pissed at me, but you wouldn’t know it because he drives over 100 miles on an almost daily basis to be with me anyway. I am acting like such a prick to him but I just can’t seem to stop myself. I hate letting him see me like this. Last night I stayed up all night with Tyler talking about this very issue I am having with Bradley, and we both came to the same conclusion. I am fucked in the head and I really need stop acting like a rotten spoiled 5 year old brat. I really need to get my shit together and be a man. I will just add that to my things to do list right behind "buy new lungs on black market".

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hospitals suck

I just got out of the hospital after a little over 4 weeks of being stuck in one. Well I guess that’s not entirely true. I was in the hospital for a week and a half, then when they thought I was safe to go home BAM right back in for another week or so, back home for like 7 hours, and then another week in the hospital. I fucking hate my body because every chance it gets, it just stops working on me! It pisses me off to no end how many people out there take their functioning vital organs for granted and spend their days sitting on their asses watching bad tv and eating shit all day.

I am sick and tired of of this craptastic body of mine that keeps screwing me over every chance it gets! I’d like to go 6 months without seeing the inside of a hospital, but for some reason for me, it’s more likely that I will grow wings and fly. Just in case nobody could tell I’M FUCKING ANGRY! I am sick to death of all these people coddling me like I am some kind of helpless invalid, my whole body hurts all the time, and did i mention ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE CONSTANTLY FAWNING OVER ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME!?

Brad is pissed at me right now, I feel crazy guilty because Tyler dropped his summer classes to come home and help take care of me, and I feel like a total prick because when my dad came to visit me I got so upset that it took the doctors almost an hour to stabilize my oxygen levels. I just wish that when I got sick like this I could be locked in solitary confinement and be refused any visitors what so ever! I don’t really even know what I am trying to say here. I am just upset and frustrated and it’s all just building and BUILDING with absolutely no hope for release.