Sunday, June 13, 2010

Europe in a nutshell...

I can now boast that I have had sex in EVERY COUNTRY IN WESTERN EUROPE (including the lame ones that people always forget about like Estonia and Malta)! I totally got to be a rockstar for a week when my friend's band needed somebody to sub for rhythm guitar at the beginning of their comeback tour. I came to terms with the fact that I am NEVER going to be a real rockstar because I HATE being in front of crowds like that! Brad and I got in a HUGE fight because I am kind of an asshole. We made up, then we made up some more, then we made up some more. I Got a taste of the French healthcare system when I dislocated my shoulder skating in Paris (of course it had to be Paris the fucking BUTTHOLE of Europe! I've mentioned that I really hate France didn't I?) and it really drove home how terrible healthcare in America is.

In Europe this friend of mine asked for my help with something he was trying to achieve. He presented it to me in a way where he was basically doing me the favor and this would be a really big deal for me if I accepted his offer. He wasn't lying, but I turned him down anyway because it wasn't something I was interested in doing ESPECIALLY when I was supposed to be spending time with my boyfriend I had just spent 6 months away from. Long story short, I was called an ungrateful little shit and accused of being afraid of success because of my need to be a big fish in a small pond. He pointed out how it was what I did with my athletic career, with my engineering career, and now I am doing the same thing as an artist. He basically went on to call me a loser with all this unlimited potential that has flushed it all down the toilet because I don't have the balls to nut up.

It really stung to hear these things, but not because they were true. It just is so frustrating to have a friend, who is supposed to know and understand me, accuse me of being scared. What the fuck do I have to be scared of!? I am not scared, I just know that society's idea of success is the least appealing thing on the planet to me. My friend was offering me an advertising/design job and I FUCKING HATE that shit! It's so fake and demoralizing and trashy. An artist doesn't sit around fantasizing about creating the perfect Toyota Prius ad or some lame generic beer commercial. I don't care how much money somebody is offering me, I DON'T FUCKING DO ADVERTS!

I still can't fully wrap my head around how or why I am so upset, but it definitely put this ugly dark cloud over my mood that I still haven't been able to shake. Of course there is always that small voice in the back of my head telling me that I really am scared of what's going to happen if I actually "try" at something. What if my best isn't good enough and I fail!? I have lived my whole life surrounded by people telling me how amazing I am and how I could be successful at anything I do if I try and then I fail, what the fuck does that say about me!? Or worse yet, what the fuck am I going to do if I succeed!? Is that going to be it for me? Am I going to turn into a douche in a 5 series and a pair of aviator glasses? But then I remember, that's all bullshit and I shouldn't let superficial pricks like that get in my head and try and get me to doubt myself.

So in the immortal words of one Mr. Cheech Marin, "Fuck it!"