Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I wish I had thicker skin. When I was a boy on the playground, I was always the kid that started crying whenever I saw another kid cry. It wasn’t like I wanted to take the attention away from the kid who got hurt; it was just that seeing another person in pain has always affected me in a HUGE way. Over the years I have been able to get the waterworks under control (to an extent) but just because I’m not crying on the outside doesn’t mean I am not falling apart on the inside.

For awhile now I have been trying the whole “tough guy” act, just to see how it fits. I guess that it’s not so awful because I definitely feel better about myself in the short term. However, punching out a guy for disrespecting me is only cathartic as long as I can still feel the ache in my knuckles. Then of course the inevitable guilt sets in and I spend the next week feeling shitty over my momentary indiscretion.

I realize I am basically going from one extreme to another, but when it comes to finding balance in my life I am always WAY BEHIND the curve. It’s just so hard to figure out the man I should be, and how exactly I go about becoming that man. Being tough isn’t really working out for me, because let’s face it, I’M NOT TOUGH! Acting all angry and such is actually more draining than putting a smile on and acting like I am okay.

I met with Eddie today in Amsterdam. I guess the reality of him coming home has finally hit us both. He’s really not doing very well. His crazy work schedule and lack of social life has made him a little depressed. There are so many things I wish I could change just to see him smile again. I honestly do care about him and love him so much it hurts. If it weren’t for Eddie I wouldn’t be who I am today. More than my family, more than my best friend, he helped me to discover who I am and what I am capable of. Just by letting me be a part of his life, he opened up a world of possibilities to me I never knew existed.

Our biggest problem (besides the fact that I am in love with someone else) is I am no longer the guy I once was. Eddie is quite possibly the most talented and loving guy I will ever meet, but we just don’t fit together anymore. Sitting there and coming to that realization together hit me hard. Seeing the pain in his eyes and realizing that I didn’t feel the same way made me feel a million times worse. I felt like I had betrayed him, because in a way I did. His heart still belonged to me, but I had taken mine back a long time ago. I didn’t know how to react to him. I wanted to cry, but I promised myself I wouldn’t. I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t find a way to be angry at anybody but myself. So I just got up and said goodbye, then I walked away.

So here I am with a huge plastic smile spackled on my face. Laughing and cracking jokes with all the other guys, but inside I am crying. Inside I feel like the worst kind of person there is because if I were a stronger man, things would be different for both of us. I really do wish things could be different because he deserves to be the happiest man on the planet. What he doesn’t deserve is a guy like me, acting the way I do.

Saturday, July 26, 2008


This week has totally been awesome, but I am missing Bradley BIG TIME! All the other counselors flew back to LA for the week while I stayed with the group that was doing the two week European intersession. The guys have been awesome and we have totally had fun with our crazy shenanigans that are too numerous to even mention.

While Bradley was packing up his stuff I stole his pillow and favorite hoodie without his permission. And every night before I go to sleep I put on the hoodie and I bury my face in his pillow and I spend a half hour just smelling him. The pillow and hoodie are getting to smell more like me and less like Brad everyday and I am not sure how I am going to get to sleep this next week without my nightly ritual…


Friday, July 18, 2008

1 year

This year hasn't been easy on either of us. Between work, sports, friends, family, and school, life has always found a way to be a completely disaster. But together we persevered and were able to grow both as men and as a couple. My only hope is that I was able to give you the strength in your time of need like you have always given me.

I am not so punch-drunk in love to overlook your imperfections, I know you are as deeply flawed as I am. However even with all your flaws, you are still perfect to me. Lately I have had no problem telling you how much I love you, because there's no point in hiding something that is obvious in everything I do.

One year ago to the day, I met you on a picnic bench on the beach. From that very first moment, I knew you were special but I had no idea this is where we would end up. You changed my life at a time when I thought change was impossible and for that I will always be grateful. Thank you for giving me the best year of my life, I hope you have it in you to give me 60 more.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Not your typical gay (2)

4 out of 5 gays agree, I make them EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Sure they like the way I look because I’m pretty! The “idea” of me sort of excites them in a weird fetish sort of way, so in the short term I am quite popular with most of the gays (until they figure out I won’t have sex with them). But when it gets right down to it I am not the kind of guy they invite to their tea parties; because I represent the guy that has made most of them miserable throughout their lives, especially those awkward HS years.

Let’s face it I have been around, “the gays” since the day I was born. From the bitchy uber femme queens to the big bull dykes; I have spent my whole life in the GLBT “community” and the one thing I have taken away from it, is I don’t fit in! It just seems like for a group of supposedly disenfranchised misfits doing our best to fit in with a society that clearly isn’t very excepting of our lifestyle, by asking them to be open minded, our “community” is made up of the most elitist closed minded people around. Myself included!

I get it! We spend so much time dealing with a lot of these negative external stimuli until our minds are in complete sensory overload. The only way to deal with all of it is to close ourselves off and be a little narrow minded. That guy shaves his head, HE’S A NEO-NAZI! That guy has crooked teeth, HE’S POOR AND REALLY STUPID! That guy’s Asian, SMALL DICK!! Etc…

I guess to a certain point all this knowledge of how much I don’t fit in with the “community” perpetuated this delusion that I may not actually be gay for all those years. But to a certain extent I have always been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and the truth is I like it that way. Not only do I have this urge to be different and do EVERYTHING the hard way, but I also have this desire to do it all and make it look easy. So I smile and I pretend I don’t notice the catty gays talking about my overly fake masculine act and how I am probably this hungry bottom. I laugh it off when after the 1000th time somebody asks me if I am sure I am actually gay. And I act like it doesn’t bother me that everybody refers to me as “that dumb jock”.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with me. What other people think shouldn’t be a problem, especially when what they think is so ridiculously off base. I am a CS Engineer, so I am obviously not stupid. I have a boyfriend, so I am obviously gay. And the only way anybody is going to have my ass is if I have at least 5 shots of tequila, 4 months of dating and a declaration of undying love. Even then the chances of me going through with it are slim to none (I have serious control issues!) so I am obviously not a hungry bottom.

I just wish it were possible for all of us to really get to know each other before passing judgment on who we are as people. After you spend a little time scratching the surface, nobody is who they originally appeared to be. Yeah I may be a jock and seem really “straight” to most everybody out there, but there’s so much more to me than that and I am sick to death trying to prove it after somebody has already formed an opinion about me.

However the flipside to this is I can’t be friends with a person that defines themselves by their sexual orientation. To me, being gay shouldn’t even rate in the top 5 of what makes a person who they are. I also think most guys my age let their gayness be the defining factor of who they are as people, and I have no desire to be around guys like that. Maybe I am the biggest problem in my own predicament because of my unwillingness to view people like that as anything but vapid shallow losers. Maybe when it comes right down to it, I am the one in need of the attitude adjustment. I just don’t know…

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Injured! Again...

At the end of the first week, we took a weekend break at a house (it belonged to the captain) on a private beach. The beach was extremely rocky, but the waves were kind of awesome so none of us really minded. I think I got in a solid 2 hours before I completely wiped out. I knew I was going to wipe out the second I stood up on my board, I just didn’t think it was going to hurt so much! The waves were breaking really shallow, so when I wiped out my head made contact with the ocean floor. Then as I was trying to get up, a very sharp ocean object impaled my foot.

My head didn’t really hurt at all, but my foot started to feel like somebody was trying to chop it off immediately! I did my best to make it back on my board and let the waves carry me in without drawing attention to myself, but I failed miserably. Halfway back to shore I had 3 guys flanking me helping me back to the beach. My foot was a bloody mess and it was stinging like a bitch! And I was really annoyed because it felt like a waterfall was pouring down my face and kept getting in my eyes, then I looked at my hands and noticed that it wasn’t water all over my face but blood. This is when I started to feel a little woozy, so basically just laid my head on my board and let the guys carry me to the beach.

I don’t exactly know when Bradley joined in on the action, but he definitely let his presence be known. He scooped me up and ran me all the way to the captain’s house. I was still dazed but not too dazed to be extremely annoyed with him! I am a grown man and I don’t need to be carried away like some seven year old. By the time we reached the captain’s house I was pretty out of it, and Bradley was really worried as the captain was taking a look at my face and foot. I looked a lot worse than I actually was! It was ridiculous how while I was gushing blood all over the place, I had to hold Brad’s hand and tell him that everything was going to be alright.

When it was all said and done, we used some liquid skin to close up the gash above my right eye, and I had to get a shot in my foot. I was actually out catching waves again the next day. If any of the guys weren’t sure we were a couple before this incident, I doubt there’s any way to hide it now! Only a person you are having intimate relations with would act the way Brad did at the beach when I got hurt. He’s such a homo it’s not even funny! Somebody needs to learn how to suck it up and be a man (Please no comments from the peanut gallery)! On the other hand my boyfriend totally kicks ass and he’s a big strong man and when I am hurt it’s kind of hot that he totally knows how to take charge…

Saturday, July 05, 2008

It's all good!

I have been having one of those weeks that are so perfect it almost feels unreal. The kids are totally mellow and the counselors have been amazing to be around. Even though I had an amazing experience last summer at camp, it was a completely different experience. I was paddling out with sponsored surfers last year and it was all energy all the time! Here, its different because everybody on the trip is out here for the love of surfing and not to compete, or act life a badass. 

This trip so far has been filled with pleasant surprise. Of course the waves have been amazing, and I have had the pleasure of meeting some awesome surfers that have shown me things out there I would have never imagined. But still, some days I wake up and go onto the deck and as I am staring out at some of the bluest waters I have ever seen it makes me wonder what I have done in my life to deserve witnessing all this beauty. Also there's the people themselves, and how open and accepting they have been about Brad and I. Brad has always been able to be open about his gayness in a way that makes it so normal (because it really is!) and he magically makes everyone around him feel like its normal too. 

There's this thin line between being politically correct and cordial about something, or being completely accepting. To somebody not paying attention the two behaviors could be mistaken for each other, but for somebody in the soup its blatantly obvious which one is which. At first when Brad and I told the other staff we were a couple we definitely got the cordial cold shoulder, but by the end of training weekend they had crossed the line to really opening their hearts to us and I honestly feel like I have made a handful of new friends that are going to be apart of my life for a very long time (And this isn't something that I would say lightly, I hate using the "friend" word and in most situations I would say that 90% of the people who would call me a friend, I would call them an acquaintance).

This whole experience so far has just been so fun, and easy, and beautiful. And it's all thanks to Bradley. He is the most amazing man EVER. Something about who he is as a person is just so magnetic and so special in a completely earnest and pure way, and everybody who meets him sees it. If it weren't for him and the type of person he is, I would not have a smile on my face right now, and I would probably be missing out on all the things about surfing I still love. 

At this moment I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.