Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Just the 2 of us

My high school reunion is coming up in 5 short weeks; which means two things: 1) I am old and 2) Life just got about 75% more annoying. I had 34 new facebook notifications in my inbox this morning. 34! Just take a moment and really let that sink in… 30 fucking 4!!! All of them were something along the lines of “OMG, SO EXCITED CAN’T WAIT TO SEE EVERYONE! WE’RE SOOO OLD! Well not you so much, but definitely the rest of us! LOL!”. Look, this is exactly why I got rid of my facebook account in the first place and EXACTLY why I am 2 seconds from shutting down my account again! I’m not trying to be a party pooper here. I plan on going. But can we all just slow our proverbial rolls for one hot minute? Elsewise I might end up murdering someone. And then how will I pick up my award for bringing the sexiest arm candy of the night?

Speaking of Brad, as usual he and I had INSANE schedules and neither of us had any time to properly celebrate VD with a crazy day AND night of sex and spooning that the day truly deserved. I was stuck across the country and Brad was cramming for midterms. So we skyped for a half hour and then we both went back to work. BUT we totally made up for it over the weekend with a 3 day trip to Palm Springs. We stayed at this amazing… I don’t really know what to call it… the brochure says “a Mediterranean-style romantic retreat unlike any other.”, which I would have to agree with whole heartedly!

I do have to say that I felt WAY WAY WAY out of place at this fancy resort. I felt like I was about 10 years too young to be anywhere near a place like this, but I manned up and dealt with it like the grown-up I am! We stayed at this amazingly beautiful bungalow, and it was like we were in our own little world. It was such an amazing space to just lounge around in, and enjoy each other next to a massive fireplace. We really needed it too. I had no idea how much I was missing Bradley until it was just the two of us and I really had the time to soak in the man I love. It’s been 4 years and its only getting harder to be away from him. Sometimes I can be such a fucking chick! Sorry about that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What I know

There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I’m too tough for him.
I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you

There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
But I’m too clever to let him out
At night sometimes when everybody’s asleep
I say, I know you’re there, so don’t be sad.
Then I put him back,
But he’s singing a little in there,
I haven’t quite let him die
And we sleep together like that
With our secret pact
And it’s nice enough to make a man weep.
But I don’t weep,
Do you?
Charles Bukowski

In my eyes, my dad could kick the shit out of batman and steal James Bond’s girlfriend right off his arm all in the same breath. If I am brutally honest with myself, I can admit that my dad's opinion of me means more than the air I breath. I have never done things the way he wanted me to, but I have always done them in a way he could still be proud. Because even though I would NEVER admit this to him, I want to be just like him when I grow up.

In December I flew into LA for a couple days because my sister (my dad and stepmother’s daughter) was having this HUGE party for this massive award she'd won. She’s a senior in HS and an even bigger over achiever than I ever was! Growing up, she and I have never been particularly close, mostly because of her mother (my stepmother) wanting to rip my eyes out and my father taking her side. But in the last few years my sister and I been able to grow closer and connect after my dad decided to finally become human and let me see my sister.

The thing that I have come to realize is, even though my dad has allowed me to see my sister, he’s never really let me back into his family. Walk into his house and the proof is in every direction you could look. Family pictures, school pictures, family trinkets, search as hard as you want; in my father’s house, I do no exist. Even after we reconciled that never changed and I did my best to pretend I didn’t notice.

Right now my dad and I aren’t on speaking terms. It has nothing to do with the gay thing, and everything to do with everything else, but for my sister I showed up because she asked me to be there. I walked into my father’s house for my sister’s celebration and gave her the biggest hug a big brother ever gave because I was proud of her. I shook my dad’s hand, and I even gave a small wave to my stepmom before she disappeared into the crowd.

I hadn’t brought anybody with me and I was immediately uncomfortable in my isolation. I haven’t been a part of this family for over 12 years and everything about it was completely foreign to me. This is when people started walking up to me and introducing themselves.

“Hi we’re Mr. & Mrs. WASP! How are you!?”
“Hello, I’m RGB. I am doing well, how about yourselves?”
“Good, good! How do you know the family?”
“The host of the party of there; My dad.”
“He has a son!?”

I had that conversation 3 times with different people before I was practically in tears. I guess the thing that hurt the most was remembering all the times he told me how proud he was of me over the last few years, and the realization that he’d never meant it. I don’t know why I cared so much. My dad always says all the right things to me to make me believe in him, and he always lets me down. Every time he does I am always completely shocked.

I don’t know why I have such a hard time excepting that I am just his dirty little secret. His pubescent indiscretion that ruined the rest of his life. I can't ever be anything else to him. I really need to stop lying to myself and think things can be any different than how they are now. Why do I have to look up to my dad so much!? Why couldn’t he just hate me for being gay like my mom does? It would make things so much easier on me. Then I wouldn’t have to live with this reality, that there’s just something inherently wrong with me.