Friday, October 19, 2007

The Epiphany


"When he turned and kissed me on the hill behind the campus and I felt his stubble on my face and it was like an anthem from the future singing yes, finally, finally you will know what it is to feel love."

Andy Towle

We have all had that moment, that magical epiphany where the possibility of happiness isn’t as unattainable as we originally thought. It’s a moment of joy and hope and a million other things that let us know life is worth living. Something in you changes, at first is unnoticeable, and all of a sudden your whole world seems different all because you are different!

When I finally noticed that change in myself, all I wanted to do was share it with everybody I loved. The second I made that decision I understood that there would be many people in my life that wouldn’t understand. However, I believe if you love somebody you have to let them love all of you or it’s all meaningless! Love means that you see everything that a person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and somehow you accept it all and love them anyway (or in some cases even more than before!).

Before I go any further I would like to make something very clear. I would rather have somebody chastise my reality, than love my illusion! I have received a lot of emails on my previous post. One of the reasons why it’s taken so long for this following post is because I was responding to each of the emails I received.

Now that I have come out to everybody, and I have some free time to think back on all that I have gained, and lost, I am alright with how things turned out. I have lost a few friends and a few family members during this whole process, but I have gained a new level of intimacy with every person in my life that was able to accept me for who I am. All the pain and sadness are nothing compared to the ability to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

For the most part coming out has been an amazing and POSITIVE experience and I wouldn’t change a moment in that process! For every negative experience I had, there were 10 positive ones I appreciated even more because of those not so pleasant. Life is never perfect, and it’s always hard because each of our decisions bring on a million consequences we never saw coming. However those consequences have made me who I am today, and when it gets right down to it, I really like who I am!

Don’t let my coming out experience with my mother influence you to not come out to yours. You could be cheating yourself out of one of the most important moments in your entire life. There is always some fear of being hurt by those we love, but remember your perseverance shows how much you love them back and your surrender shows how much you don’t.

17 comments:

jroyk said...

There goes that sparkling personality I remember! Your words were so smart and thoughtful. You are an extremely articulate young man and I am vary happy to see you blogging again.

Trevor said...

I agree that you are a very articulate person and ON PAPER you even seem wise beyond your years. There is no way that the guy who wrote this post could possibly be the same person who skateboarded down my street in his underwear and a batman cowl last week!

George said...

I am always surprised by your sensitivity and patience. Even when life gives you some painful things to deal with, you never dwell in it and you always find the silver lining that make everything a little better. You have a very special gift, and I hope you know how special you are for taking full advantage of it.

Sean said...

Trevor is right!! You are such the wise man on the interweb, but then you turn around and toilet paper my car in the middle of the night! How is one supposed to take these pearls of wisdom from a guy that signs his name in mustard on my moon roof!? haha! I love you dude!

drunken monkey said...

I have never been able to relate to a blog the way that I was able to relate to yours. I am happy for you because it really seems like you have found a place where you can be at peace. I think that you are a very brave guy to attack life the way you do, and it's something that not a lot of people can do. Your mom is crazy for not seeing you how you really are.

Jason said...

The wise man knows that the secret to life is happiness! What trev and sean are REALLY trying to say is that really, you are too cool for school! Because somehow we all love you even when your bring over cake that none of us get to eat because you always have to start a food fight! There's never a dull moment when you are around and your coming out philosophy definitely reflects who you are as a person. Thanks for always making me smile kewl kat!

RGB said...

I am noticing a theme in the comments with all the people that know me. SO I would like to clear up a few things. First, the skateboarding in my underwear incident happened because I lost a bet. Second, sean sent naked baby pictures of me in my birthday invitations last year so I was just getting a little payback! Third, I haven't thrown a piece of cake at somebody in over a week! I think it's a strong possibility that I have grown and am now way to mature to throw cake at my friends. Pies seem like they would be more fun anyway!

fred said...

It's hard to give advice without sounding too preachy, but you were able to do that pretty well. That's a pretty awesome skill. I think you are a very special guy, even if you do like to cause a lot of trouble with all your friends.

Jerry said...

I like how you can write something like this and then have all the fun that you do with your friends. It shows how well balanced you are as a person. It's very rare to have the ability to have fun and be serious when you need to.

Anonymous said...

That's a very cool picture. I can never take a shot like that without it coming out all blurry! Plus you have that whole sun shot working for you which is pretty neat. I like it a lot.

Mel said...

I wish that I knew a person like you when I was younger. You have such an amazing way to look at life and cope with all of it's hardships. You take such a mature stance on very difficult things, you should be very proud of yourself!

Anonymous said...

All of these praises that you are getting are nice and all, but I would just like to play the devil’s advocate a little. I just don’t agree with your last statement in this post. Love has nothing to do with how much you foreclose to the people that you in fact love. It has to do with personal comfort and what you are doing is belittling the people that just aren’t as courageous as you are. You should take a look at yourself and decide what your motives for saying such things are really all about.

Joshua said...

And yet another antagonistic anonymous comment is posted without accountability and transparency, or even the simple courtesy of providing a name. Honestly, just too boring, and gutless, for words.

RGB said...

We all have our opinions. "Anonymous", I understand where you are coming from, but I still feel that what I am saying is true. If you honestly loved somebody, there is no way that you could be satisfied with them loving you back but NEVER knowing or understanding who you really are! We can lie to casual acquaintances and not feel anything, but when we do it to people we love we cheat ourselves out of the very bonds that are supposed to ground us in this world and make us happy and sane. I didn't want to sound all preachy and I am sorry if I came off that way. This is just how I feel, and I thought that this was an appropriate forum for me to voice my thoughts...

Randy said...

Is it just me, or are you too good to be true? I really hate you and your ability to bounce back from things sometimes! But I do agree with how you feel about love and how it has to be all or nothing. Having somebody love you when you are lying to them is the most empty kind of feeling a person could possibly have. If they ever want to be happy, or atleast free from a destructive relationship, they have to come clean.

Damian said...

I hear that all of Southern California is on fire! I hope you are alright.

Bold oy! said...

I am so happy for you; you are a shining example for young gays to come out.

I'm glad I re-found your blog.ytweu