Thursday, February 26, 2009

Posting on a Soapbox

I have always been scared of leading a life of mediocrity or conformity. I grew up in a community where all the moms drove their Mercedes SUVs to take their kids to practice and all the dads drove their BMW 5 series to the office every morning. In my neighborhood it was customary to have 3 kids, a dog, and a horse or 2. The boys played baseball or football and the girls played soccer and later became cheerleaders. It was always so odd to me the way everybody worked so hard to be the best at being exactly the same as everybody else, just a little better. It’s just this ridiculous never ending cycle of monotonous BS.

People brand us with these labels early in life and from then on we ALL have these crazy expectations we are going to live up or live down. Jock, Nerd, Slacker, Overachiever, act accordingly and never change! Because if you do, what will the neighbors think!? What will your friends say!? Who will your friends be!?

My friends keep telling me how brave I am for the way I live my life. I have a lucrative degree from one of the top universities in the country and I could easily have a job tomorrow earning 6 figures with a company car and all the bells and whistles. This is supposed to be the DREAM! Big money, big house, BIG LIFE! Apparently I am super awesome because I can so easily turn my back on all that shit in pursuit of something else. What that something else is, I have no fucking clue! But whatever it is, it has to be better than the homogenized hermetically sealed suburban hell hole I am most definitely giving up.

My friends are beginning to FUCKING annoy me! I mean seriously. After awhile it gets old and it even begins to feel a little condescending! I mean honestly, the way I live isn’t really all that difficult. I made a decision to NOT be stuck in a life I am constantly regretting, and wishing everyday I had made a different choices when I was younger. ANYBODY can make the same choice, they just have to live with the consequences ie: give up the comforts of all their money and get ready for lots of FAILS and lots of UNCERTAINTY!

What I wish more than anything is that all my yuppie corporate America friends would quit telling me how much they wish they could live like I do. To me, its starting to sound like the guy who keeps telling his mistress how awful his wife is and how he’s planning on leaving her any day. He’s never going to leave her no matter how miserable he is or how bitchy his wife is because no matter how MISERABLE he is, he’s still comfortable! He knows what’s going to happen tomorrow and the day after that, and he’s never going to give it up for the unknown! No matter how tantalizing the alternative is… There’s a reason why the mistress isn’t the wife.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I got a visit

Last night Bradley’s brother Shane came over (Shane‘s a musician and lives here in NYC). He was stopping by to drop off a large box of winter clothes I had left at his house when I took off so abruptly a few weeks ago. When I opened the door I could barely see him over the box he was carrying! The second he put the box down I wished he hadn’t. He looked EXACTLY like Bradley (which of course I was expecting, but at the same time I still wasn’t prepared) and I was instantly ready to cry, BUT I DIDN’T!

The time I spent in Santa Barbara with the Bradley clan had given Shane and I a lot of time to get pretty close. Out of all the Bradleys, Shane had the hardest time being at the hospital. He, his girlfriend, and myself, used to spend hours upon hours sitting on the beach talking about everything. In the end there was no stopping it, we had become friends.

Shane smiled at me and then walked over to give me a hug. It wasn’t one of those stupid double pat “guy hugs“, it was a real “I care about you” hug. He hugged like Bradley, he SMELLED like Bradley. I couldn’t take it. I started crying. And he let me.

I haven’t really verbalized my feelings with anybody since I broke up with Bradley. After it happened I got into my car and drove straight to SD to my house because I knew it would be empty. I called Kyle about the job, and I stayed in SD until 2 days before my flight, then I drove up to LA to give myself just enough time to let everybody know I was going. Of course I told Tyler that I had ended my relationship, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it and Tyler knows better than to push me to talk about something I don’t want to talk about. Ever since arriving here in NYC I haven’t really said anything beyond, “I broke up with Bradley” to anybody.

The abnormality of spilling my guts out to my ex-boyfriend’s older brother ABOUT my ex-boyfriend was not lost on me. But Shane made it so easy for me to open up to him and he was such a good listener that I couldn’t help but telling him everything! When I was done I felt WAY uncomfortable! I couldn’t even look him in the eye for the longest time. He suggested we nosh and I jumped on the opportunity to do something that wasn’t contingent on me discussing a breakup with my friend’s little brother.

It was pretty late by the time we left my apartment, and I live in the DEADEST part of the city when it comes to nightlife. Its nice for me when I take my 2am walks because I get to pretend I am Will Smith in, I Am Legend, and I am the only human left in NYC. But when I am trying to find a quick bite @ 11 in the evening and everything is closed, it kind of sucks. We settled on McDonald’s, I have plenty of horror stories about this McDonald’s in particular but I choose to keep them to myself because I feel that everybody deserves to eat their chicken nuggets without worrying about food poisoning.

So we finish eating and we went back to my place to say our goodbyes. As he was getting ready to leave Shane said something to me that really caught me off guard. He told me what I was thinking but had never actually had the guts to say out loud, and then he told me it wasn’t going to work out that way. He was right of course, it’s the main reason I wasn’t actually SAYING it, but a guy can always hope. He asked me if we were still going to be friends. I told him I had 2 months here in NYC, and we were going to take this time to see if it was possible. Despite the awkwardness and obvious reasons why we shouldn't, I really do want to be his friend.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Big night out!

You used to not be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy on the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.
Chuck Klosterman

True to his word, Trevor took me to a slew of parties Saturday night, each one more painful than the one that preceded it! I knew the night was going to be awful when Trevor showed up with a bag full of clothes and threw a little bitch fit until I let him dress me. When he was done I looked in the mirror and I felt ill! I looked like I had just been ass raped by an Urban Outfitter and then it spooged grossness all over me when it was done. Against my better judgment I decided to NOT put up a fight because I knew I would have to save my energy for whatever Trevor had planned for the evening.

First stop, gallery show of some NYU artist alum. We are sitting in the subway and I am all too aware of my crotch and how it’s basically on display to the entire train, when Trevor starts telling me about the artist we are about to go see. This was a bad idea because after his description I had decided to hate the guy and everything he created before I even saw it for myself. So we finally get there and the first thing I want to do is just stand there and start making fun of the way everybody is dressed, and then I quickly remember that I am also dressed like them…

Inside I get my first taste of what this guy is all about. His work is total kitsch and not even apologizing for it. It wasn’t awful, it was just that I have seen it a million times before and he wasn’t even trying to be a little bit different or original. I was bored! Then I came upon these 2 hipster scene kids as they were critiquing an extremely vanilla piece. Guy A looks to Guy B and says, “The juxtaposition of these lines makes me not trust the artist.” and Guy B pensively looks at the painting then nods in agreement. So there I am completely dumfounded looking from the picture to Guy A then to Guy B, my eyes just got round and round between the three trying to fully register the nonsensical BULLSHIT coming out of their mouths and then I just can’t take it anymore and I bust out laughing! That was my cue to leave! I texted Trevor that I needed some fresh air and I would be outside.

The thing I both love and hate about NYC is how no matter where you go or what you do, chances are you are going to run into somebody you know. I wasn’t outside for more than 5 minutes when some person comes at me from behind and picks me up off the ground! I freak out for half a second until I realize that this isn’t how people get mugged in New York. I turn to my left and immediately recognize to ladies standing with a gentleman I have never seen before. Still after seeing these two ladies I know exactly who’s got me in this bear hug from hell! It was my favorite 6’5 300lb ginger, Daryl!

RGB: Put me down before you give me some crazy disease! Everybody knows gingers have cooties!
Daryl: We stood across the street for the longest time trying to figure out if it was you or not. What the hell are you wearing!?
RGB: Yeah… I played Ken doll to a very sadistic homosexual tonight and this was the outcome.
Daryl: I can see your penis through your pants.

We stood there talking for awhile, then Trevor came out of the gallery and I introduced him to my friends. After a few more minutes we parted ways promising to get together this week and catching up more. The next venue I was dragged to was an actual party, complete with a full bar and really bad music. I drank heavily! It didn’t help. I have no idea how long we stayed, but it was long enough for me to get extremely buzzed and lose all sense of time.

Our next and final stop was at an actual club. I have no idea where it was or what it was called because by that point I was not even pretending to care. Walking in the first thing I noticed was how few women were there. Once again I became painfully aware that EVERYBODY could see my penis through my pants and for the first half hour I walked around with my left arm on my right elbow and my right hand dangling in front of my crotch. After a couple of shots of I don’t know what, I stopped caring and started to have a good time. We danced for awhile, then we sat down in this lounge area where a bunch of Trevor’s friends had gathered and Trevor introduced me to everybody. I forgot their names right after they were told to me. I have no idea how long we stayed. I went to the restroom to urinate like 4 times and each time the same guy got up and went with me. I think he thought we might hook up in there, but I am sooo anti-restroom sex that there wouldn’t be enough alcohol on the planet to get me to agree to that! Plus I am nowhere near ready for sex with ANYBODY right now, even a hand job is out of the question.

By the time we got back to my apartment it was almost 4am. I was exhausted and so was Trevor. I made him stay the night, (morning?) in fact he’s still passed out in the living room, it's noon, and I have already showered and went out for breakfast. I guess last night wasn’t awful, but I don’t think I want to do this again anytime soon. I just can’t take anybody seriously in these clothes! SERIOUSLY! SERIOUSLY!? seriously.

Friday, February 20, 2009

RGB’s Break-Up Playlist 2009

As you can probably imagine, I have been a little emo lately. I walk around sulking almost ALL the time and I spend a ridiculous amount of time eating ANYTHING I get my hands on, NOT showering, and of course being a crazy talented artist with Kyle. So I smell like fried food and stale ass, and I am covered in paint from the project I have been working on with Kyle. I am pretty god damned lucky I have no desire to have sex lately because there’s no way in hell I am going to get laid in my current condition! AND Kyle’s from Long Island, so he’s used to being around smelly disgusting people. WIN WIN for me.

If it weren’t for my music I probably wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. There’s nothing like some super depressing music to get me going!

Crying - Aerosmith
My Favorite Mistake - Cheryl Crow
One Man Guy (cover) - Rufus Wainwright
Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat
Not As We - Alanis Morissette
Pictures of You - The Cure
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
High and Dry - Radiohead
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
F-Stop Blues - Jack Johnson
Walk Away - Ben Harper
Say it Aint So - Weezer
Lost Cause - Beck
Wild Horses (cover) - Adam Levine feat. Alicia Keys
Wonderful World - James Morrison
I’ve Been Loving You too Long - Otis Redding
Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
Please Please Please, Let Me Get What I Want (cover) - Muse
Change - Deftones
Please Do Not Go - Violent Femmes
Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I hate these posts

When I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I would have never believed that 5 minutes later you would make a liar out of me. I have spent 12 days and 11 sleepless nights trying to process what happened and I am still hoping that I will wake up any minute from the worst nightmare of my life.

At first I was furious with you! I was so angry that all I wanted to do was scream at you and make you hurt the way I was hurting! But then I looked into your eyes and I could see that there was nothing I could say to make you feel any worse than you already did. Of course that only made me more pissed because here you were now trying to take the wind out of my sail just as I was about to get started!

So I took a moment to collect myself and then I ran into the bathroom without ever saying a word to you. I stared into the mirror and I practiced smiling and acting like nothing was wrong, but even as I put on my biggest plastic smile, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. I wanted to let myself fall apart right there in front of the mirror, but I knew that if I started now I wasn’t going to be able to pull myself together anytime soon and at that moment my first priority was getting out of your house. So I took some deep breaths, splashed some water in my face and practiced smiling some more.

Once I’d composed myself, I came back to the room where you were sitting on the bed waiting for me. When you saw me you knew, and you started pleading with me to change my mind! Why were you trying to make things even more difficult for me!? Didn’t you know this was the last thing I wanted to do!? I didn’t need you crying begging me not to go to make me feel like the bad guy I already knew I was. I grabbed a backpack and threw in a couple of shirts and a couple pairs of jeans and I left everything else I owned in your room.

Downstairs most of your family was gathered in the dining room and they asked me where I was off to. I told them that I was leaving. I told them I was so very happy for the family and I was so grateful that everything worked out for them in the end. I gave them a hug and told them goodbye. I think they could all feel that this was really goodbye. Your mom hugged me and she wouldn’t let go. I started crying. I told her I had to go and so she let go, and then I left.

It’s over. If you really think about it, this was doomed to fail from the very first time we kissed. I was just too dense to see us for what we really were, then before I knew it we were in love and then it was too late to do anything about it! It's mostly my fault. I don’t know what else to say.

Sunday, February 08, 2009


I have been unemployed for almost 4 months. A few months ago I had a million offers to do all sorts of things, but as the economy rapidly declined, the offers disappeared. My last hope was taking a job with this HUGE company that was sure to slowly suck the life out of me until eventually there was nothing left. I met with the director of the department, we discussed the position, he offered me the job which I quickly accepted, and then the next day while I was filling out my paperwork I was informed that they just put a hiring freeze in place! Then a week later this company laid off 300 employees, so it goes without saying that they weren’t about to hire me! So I went back to square one.

In January Kyle (a friend from New York) called me and asked me if I could help him with this 2 month project. It was a BIG job that would probably take up every moment of my waking days for the entire 2 months. At the end of which I would receive a rather generous sum of money. I usually shy away from anything that has such stringent work schedules associated with it, but there was a start and end date so I knew that if I focused on the fact that there was indeed an END to all my hard work I decided I could handle it. Promptly after accepting my friend’s offer to assist on this project in New York, Bradley had to go home to deal with his family drama and I didn’t feel right leaving him alone when he would probably need me the most. So I called Kyle and told him I wouldn’t be able to work with him and I was very sorry.

The Bradley clan received the good news that everything was going to be alright on Monday. There was drunken merriment to be had by all for days and DAYS! But at the end of those days I was forced to address the fact that my funds have been seriously depleted and if I didn’t find work soon I would have to drive to the valley and try my hand at porn . Serendipitously, just as I was having these awful images of some 18yr old twink cumming on my face, Kyle called me to complain that he hadn’t been able to find anybody to replace me on the project! Long story short, I fly out on Tuesday!

My only concern was cash. After buying my last minute plane tickets and a bunch of cold weather clothes ( I couldn’t walk around in my snowboarding gear and I have moved so many times I can’t remember which storage unit houses winter wardrobe) I was completely out of cash and freaking out about how I was going to survive in NYC on $200 for 2 months. I have no idea where to find a soup kitchen, and I am pretty sure that my friends might start to get a little annoyed at me when I only show up to hang out with them while they are eating their meals and then mysteriously half the contents of their plates always seem to vanish when some “random person” tosses their cell phone across the restaurant! As per usual, I did all my venting to Tyler just because bitching and moaning to one’s best friend is a sacred experience that isn’t supposed to be shared with ANYBODY, and I felt confident that this instance wouldn’t be any different.

Later that night at dinner, Tyler ratted me out to his parents about me being broke and they forced a fat check on me and wouldn’t take, “no!”, for an answer! Apparently the very act of wanting to work is enough to earn the extra cash to do the work or something… I don’t know it was really odd logic that Mr. Tyler was using on me and if I asked too many questions it would have only confused me even further.

As it is right now, I have no cable or internet access at my apartment in NYC. HOWEVER, with the money that Mr. Tyler gave me I would have more than enough to fix that problem, but I still haven’t decided if I am going to use the money or not. So this may or may not be my final post for the next couple months. I don’t know, only time will tell…

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Valley

Recently I discovered that a friend of mine is from “the valley”! Upon first absorbing this knowledge my initial reactions were shock and betrayal! I believe the exact word going through my head @ warp speed and on repeat was, “EWWWW!!!!”. I believe the conversation basically went as followed:

me: eww! You're from the valley! 
friend: no i am not! Van Nuys is the valley, bitch!
me: but this is like Pasadena and Pasadena is totally the valley! 
friend: it is not!  its the San Gabriel valley!  totally different  "the valley" is the San Fernando valley. we have no studios, no porn industry, no valley girls  we just have lots and lots of Asians! Its a very different valley 
me: yeah well being born and raised @ the beach, like any respectable Southern California boy, valley people are all the same to me! It doesn't matter which valley they are from… Sigh… but it's ok... I’ll do my best to not hold it against you 
friend: they're different valleys!!! 
me: I once became friends with somebody from Fullerton. If I can be friends with somebody from Fullerton, Pasadena can't be too different... 
friend: How gracious of you

So I swallowed my bile and repressed my need to run away and change my cell # because I like to think of myself as a pretty tolerant guy. I didn’t really buy it, but like I said, I am a tolerant guy, so I swallowed the horse crap the dude was shoveling and we moved on.

Fast forward to Tuesday and I am hanging out with Tyler and Jane and we are driving to our favorite restaurant in the South Bay for some super fattening and greasy noshing! In the car Tyler is driving and telling me about this hot chick he met at a club and got a number from her, but when he took a look at the number he noticed she was from THE VALLEY! Upon further preponderance he decided that no hot girl was worth some crazy valley STD and quickly 86’d her number. Then he further cemented his decision by declaring there was no way he was going to drive 2 hours in traffic then be forced to parallel park his car between a meth dealer and a midget porn producer just so some semi attractive chick could irradiate his dick. Fair enough…

RGB: There are different valleys, maybe she was from the good one!
Tyler: The hell are you talking about!? There’s a good valley!? Are you on drugs?
RGB: I am just saying that somebody was telling me that the San Fernando Valley is very different from the San Gabriel Valley and stuff… or something…
Tyler: You are off your rocker dude!
RGB: I mean come on! There’s nice cities in the valley like Pasadena and Arcadia and … uhhhh… stuff...

After making this statement both Jane and Tyler quickly attacked me (verbally of course!). Tyler accused me of never having been to Arcadia, which he was correct about. And Jane freaked out and asked me if I had actually been to the valley recently because she hadn’t brought her SARS mask and there wasn’t enough antibacterial soap on the planet to make me clean again. I was clearly outmatched so I quickly took back my previous statement about the existence of an acceptable valley.

They seemed appeased, but it got me thinking, what is it about the valley that brings out such strong emotional reactions from basically EVERYBODY in Los Angeles except of course the ones that actually live in the valley? Has it just been indoctrinated into us at such a young age that we believe it as much as most people believe that eating pop rocks and drinking coke makes you explode and drinking Mountain Dew reduces sperm count? All I know is that thinking about the valley (any valley in Los Angeles County) gives me the same feeling as thinking about some overweight smelly guy licking the entire side of my face in front of my mother, AT CHURCH! Which can only me described with a cold shiver running down your spine followed with deep waves of shame and filth.

I do still want to be this guys friend, I just don't know how I am going to be able to get passed all the shame, humiliation, and public ridicule! Not to mention the syphilis and radiation poisoning... I guess I will just soldier through this and somehow I will find a way! WOW! Sometimes I astound myself with how I am just like Jesus! Christlike if you will.