Monday, December 29, 2008

Boulder problems

The last few days have been awful! There’s been rain and cold and more rain and FOOD! Oh my god! The amount food I have consumed over the last few days has been enough to feed a small village in Africa, and I felt like crap to prove it! Most people take this time to lounge around the house or go out to restaurants and eat more. However I have a friend visiting from South Africa, who happens to be a sponsored boulderer (on a side note who the fuck gets paid to climb a fucking ROCK!?), and a little brother that’s like the fucking energizer bunny! So instead I picked up my friend at his hotel and my little brother at home early in the morning yesterday and we hauled ass to New Jack for some rock climbing.

If I was born to surf, then my little brother was born to climb. He’s been climbing since he was a fetus and now he’s gotten to the point where he can scale a 20ft wall in a couple seconds without breaking a sweat. I like to climb but my brother NEEDS to climb and he’s so good at it I have this strange feeling that at some point in his life he must have been bitten by a radioactive spider. He really impressed my friend, plus he and my friend had a great time razzing me as I slowly traversed my way up the sides of these fucking cliffs like a 40yr old man. I am a seasoned climber and I have been doing this with my dad since forever ago, but these guys are inhumanly good at this shit! I swear they have some kind of magic in their fingers that lets them grip and grab things that no normal human should be able to hold on to.

After 4 hours of being humiliated by my little brother and my EVIL South African buddy I decided I had had enough! I mean seriously! I recently had a very intense Asthma attack and maybe I still needed a little more down time to fully recover! So we grabbed some lunch and then we hit this skate park I have been dying to check out in the Inland Empire for awhile now, but had never had the chance because who the fuck ever finds themselves anywhere near the fucking IE to begin with!? Anyway I felt like I needed to regain my position as alpha dog of my pack so I proceeded to own my 2 hecklers all over the park! When we had finished I felt they had learned their lesson and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am THE MAN!

I woke up this morning SOOOO sore I thought that maybe I might have pulled something. EVERYTHING aches! I spent an hour soaking in the hot tub and this afternoon I have a massage scheduled with the most awesome masseur in Southern California. I am getting way too old for this shit!

Monday, December 22, 2008

SB for the weekend

I jumped in my car at 4 in the morning to drive up to Santa Barbara. I had to see Bradley immediately, but I didn’t actually think this through as I drove up there from LA. I got there in an hour and it was still dark outside! So I went to the beach and I just took off jogging. The next thing I know it’s 6am and I have just ran a little over 5 miles. I couldn’t wait any longer! I pulled my cell out of my sweaty pocket and I called Bradley. He sounded so happy to hear my voice that it completely took me off guard and I almost hung up on him. I told him where I was and within 10 minutes he was sitting right next to me on the sand.

I don’t think I have ever felt so uncomfortable being around Bradley since EVER. My chest really hurt and I was having a lot of problems breathing, but this was where I wanted to be and this was what I wanted to do, so I swallowed that huge lump in my throat and I soldiered on. The words felt so alien and unnatural as they came out of my mouth, but despite how hard they were to say I meant each and every one of them. I hate feeling like I am doing something because somebody else is forcing me to. When I was growing up I used to always get in trouble because I refused to say sorry if somebody told me I had to say it. Even if I am about to do it, if somebody tells me to do it all of a sudden I just won’t! I always need to feel like I am the one in charge of me and even the perception of power over me is enough to have a HUGE freak out. The big thing that I realized during this whole painful process is that in this scenario I don't mind if Bradley is the one who holds this power. The things he asks of me are the same as the ones I ask of him.

I guess it was a combination of the cold air, the long unexpected jog, my lack of sleep, and my nerves, but out of nowhere I started to have a pretty major asthma attack. Of course since my last asthma attack was over 3 years ago I don't really carry an inhaler with me. So I kind of just laid down in the sand, put my arms up above my head and I did my best not to panic as I tried but failed to suck some oxygen into my lungs. My chest felt like it was about to cave in on itself and it got to the point where I couldn't even hear the crashing of the waves. I was completely out of it and in a whole lot of pain. Finally after a few minutes of Bradley squeezing my hand and totally freaking out I was able to regain enough of myself to get up and slowly walk to the cafe at the end of the beach. We sat there and talked for a while, by the time we got out of there it was already 2 in the afternoon.

My chest still hurt and I my breathing was still extremely labored, but i was pretty god damned happy. Things aren't perfect, and I have a feeling its because there's no such thing, but things are good. I have a long way to go before I can hold my own in this barely functional relationship but at least now I am aware of the things I need to work on. It also feels good to know I am going to have the opportunity to actually work them.

I am in Santa Barbara until Christmas, then Bradley and I are going to be spending New Years in Mexico with a couple dozen of our closest friends. Everybody have an awesome New Years because I know I will! ;) Once again thanks for all your emails, they were all great to read and very educational. If I have time I want to get in one more post before 2009. So wish me luck.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Just saying...

A few months back after coming out of the shower, we were lounging around in bed when you spent a half hour telling me all the things you loved about me and the things I do. It was the most intimate experience of my life. Some of the things you said were funny, others were serious, and some were so poignant that I swear I could hear Jane in the next room sighing out of jealousy! The way you so easily opened yourself up like that and shared yourself with me made me fall so much more in love with you I didn‘t even know it was possible. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could be the kind of man who could tell you how truly amazing you really are and every little reason why.

I have never been good at expressing my feelings. Every time you tell me you love me I say it back in my head and I hope you know what I am thinking. Every time you cook dinner I psychically channel to you how special it made me feel and how much I appreciate it, hoping that somehow you can hear me and know in my heart what I don’t say out loud. When I am sad or disappointed you are always there to comfort me or make me smile and in those moments I am so grateful I would give you the moon and the stars or die trying.

Sometimes I want you to yell at me! I want you to shake me and tell me you don’t deserve to be treated like this and you deserve somebody who recognizes and appreciates everything you bring to a relationship. I really hate myself for being such a cold hearted bastard. I feel like such a disloyal ungrateful brat every time I have an opportunity to tell you how great you are and just let it pass.

We are having problems right now and its all my fault. I know they say it takes two, but in this case it was all me. The hardest part for me to deal with was when you tried to place some of the blame on yourself. It killed me because it just wasn’t true. You gave me everything you had and you never asked for anything in return. I took you for granted. I didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved, I didn’t take your feelings into consideration when I made decisions, and I didn’t tell you enough how special you are to me.

All relationships eventually come to a point where you have to decide if this is something you want to stick out and make it through the unpleasantness or if you should get out and cut your losses before things really get bad and leaving means your whole world falls apart. I am not ready for us to be over. I want to give everything I have into us and make things better than they ever were before. I want to be the kind of man worthy of all those things you once said to me in our bed. I love you and I need you and I promise one day I am actually going to tell you.

Friday, December 12, 2008

out!

I’ve been staying with Tom since Tuesday night. He called me Tuesday afternoon completely freaking out and asked me to come home (well to my mom’s house), so I did. 2 hours later I was in Tom’s room trying my best to get my little brother to smile. I guess after Sunday night he kind of felt like he was on a role, so Monday morning came along and by lunch time he’d told all his friends he was gay and they were all fine with it. Of course I knew they would be because Tom’s best friend is Johnny’s little brother and that family only spawns awesomeness!

His problem started when he got home. Basically he felt like this huge secret he’d been keeping for all these years was finally out and never before had he been so FREE to be himself, then he came home and it just felt a million times worse than it ever felt before. I guess I could totally relate to that myself, after I started coming out to all my friends things got so hard for me to deal with at home that I actually moved out. I knew exactly how and why he was feeling the way he did. I wasn’t going to try and console my brother in a matter that I would consider inconsolable, so the real question became, “where do we go from here?”

It really wasn’t much of a question for Tom as it was for me. He only saw one solution to his anxiety and that was to tell mom right then and there. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for full disclosure! I just wasn’t sure how I was going to react when my awful soulless mother started spewing her bullshit. When I get angry I get scary. I wasn’t worried about getting violent because that would NEVER happen, but words hurt just as bad and my tongue packs an even bigger punch than my right hook! The last thing I wanted to do was say something that I know I would end up regretting forever. Lucky for me my mom goes to bible study until well after midnight so I had at least the night to prepare myself for the coming shit storm!

Around 9 I finally had Tom settled down enough to get some homework done. Tom was sitting at his desk studying for his Pre-Calc final and I was on the floor working on some new designs for work when Bob came in and wanted to know what was going on. I guess something had to be up because I only spend this much time in the house when something is REALLY REALLY wrong! Bob’s a good boy, he’s spoiled rotten and selfish as fuck, but when it comes to his family, he’s a good boy. I looked up at Tom and I gave him the “do you want to tell your brother that you are gay look?” (trust me! This is definitely one of those situations that get its own look!) he nodded so I told Bob to come on in and shut the door behind him.

After being told Bob just got a HUGE smile on his face and said that they shared a laptop and he figured it out a while back when Tom started beating off to internet porn! I fell on the floor laughing my ass off. That’s right boys, I ROFL’d! After I calmed down Bob decided he had more to say and things got serious. I don’t really want to get into details because some things are just too special to try and retell. I guess I will just say that sometimes even my spoiled rotten fuck up of a brother (and I do mean that in the sweetest way possible) can be the sweetest most sentimental guy on the block and by the time he was done all 3 of us had shed a tear.

Wednesday morning came along and I think I probably got 45 minutes of sleep that night I was so nervous! We hadn’t really talked about a plan of attack with my mother in any detail. Were we going to tell her before she went to work, or after she came home from work? Were we going to do it casually over a meal between asking to pass the butter or were we going to be all ominous and ask her to take a seat on the couch and tell her we need to talk!? Tom didn’t know what he wanted to do and he kept asking me what I thought we should do. I didn’t want to show him I was freaking out also, so I used my big boy voice and I told him it didn’t matter where he told her because her reaction wasn’t going to change.

He decided he wanted to get it over with and do it right then. So we walked out of the room into the kitchen where my mom was drinking her coffee. She looked up at us, gave us both a smile, and said good morning. I looked over at Tom and saw that he’d completely lost his nerve, and I soooo wasn’t about to force him to do this, so I let it go. My mom finished pouring her coffee into her car mug, grabbed her briefcase and her purse, and told us to have a good day as she walked out the door. Tom was ready to tackle me the second she walked out the door. He was pretty angry I didn’t push him to say something, or actually just tell mom myself!

Tom didn’t go to school that morning. He was to busy having a freak out in the kitchen to even think about getting ready for school. He really did just want to get this all over with and insisted he wouldn’t be able to relax until it was done. So I asked Tom what he wanted to do. Tom sat there for a minute then looked at me and said, Tell her at lunch. I asked Tom if he was sure because the second we show up to lunch together on a school day when he was supposed to be in class, she’s going to know something is up and he won’t be able to back out like he did this morning. He agreed and said this was exactly why he wanted to do it this way.

I can say without any uncertainty that I was just as nervous (if not MORE nervous) than my brother as we drove to the restaurant I told mom to meet us at. I saw her sitting at a booth as we walked in and I think she figured it out right there on the spot. I could totally see it in her face as we took our seat across from her at the table. For a moment she just looked at me the she started getting up and told me this was all my fault. I swear that the way she said it, I almost believed her. Then she looked at my brother and asked him if he wanted to be like me and Tom said yeah.

She just left. Tom cried. I didn’t. I just hugged him as tight as I could and I did my best to make sure he knew that he was loved. I didn’t cry, I held it together and I didn’t cry. I was proud of myself for being able to stay in control. It was hard but I did it for my brother. After he’d calmed down we took off and I decided we should blow off some team by catching some super cold sub-par waves! As he was grabbing the wetsuits and boards I called his dad and told him what just happened. He told me to pack up all Tom’s stuff and have him there that night and he would call my mom and deal with her. He told me he was proud of me it almost completely made up for what my mom said to me earlier.

When we got home, Johnny and Tyler were already at the house ready to help me pack up all Tom’s stuff, so we were able to get in and out in only a couple of hours. I could tell that by the time we loaded the last of Tom’s stuff into the SUVs it was really starting to become real to him. For the millionth time this week all I felt completely powerless to do anything that could be remotely considered helpful.

Just as we finished unpacking Tom’s stuff in his room at his dad’s house, his dad came home. He came inside and Tom ran up to him and broke down crying all over again. OnceTom calmed down his dad walked up to me and he hugged me. He didn’t say anything for awhile, then I started to feel the tears coming on so I excused myself and told Tom I’d be back in a couple hours.

The second I got into Tyler’s car I started crying. For a million different reasons I felt like shit. Now that I am taking the time to write this stuff down, I can’t think of one rational reason why I felt this way, but when the fuck are feelings ever rational!? Now that I have had a few days to reflect on things I guess I kind of just feel like I am way too full of myself. This is happening to my brother not me, so he should be the only one allowed to freak out.

This post is getting way too long so I think I am just going to quit here. I just wanted to thank everybody who sent me an email after my last blog entry. I got a butt load and a half of emails and they were all super supportive, the ones I was able to get through, there were a lot more than I could read in the few times I had to check my email. Thanks guys, you are all super duper awesome!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Big news

For the purposes of this post my delinquent brother will be Bob and my youngest brother will be Tom. The thing I hate the most about having so many siblings is that there is ALWAYS going to be some kind of earth shattering problem between the 6 of us. I guess since my brother got his 15 minutes of drama it would only be fair that my other brother got his too. I am approaching this topic all wrong so I am going to try this again.

I went over to my mom’s house Sunday to check on Bob and spend some time with him to make sure he’s being a good boy and staying out of trouble; good news, HE IS! We hung out all afternoon going for a jog around the peninsula, grabbing lunch, and then heading over to the driving range to hit a couple of buckets. We got home around 4 and I felt really good about how we were leaving things and for the first time in a long time I could tell Bob and I were finally repairing our relationship.

Right as I pulled into the driveway to drop Bob off Tom ran out to my car and asked if we could go for a ride. Tom and I have always been close, even when my whole family wasn’t speaking with me, Tom and I talked everyday. I know parents aren’t allowed to have favorite children, but siblings are allowed to have favorites and Tom is mine. From the day he was born it was always the two of us. He is my brother, I am his godfather, and we are as close as two siblings could be, so I was very shocked when we stopped at the switchbacks and he told me he was gay.

My first reaction was to go completely blank. There were absolutely no thoughts in my head I was very thankful we pulled over because I surely would have driven off a cliff had I been driving. Once I finally was able to gain some composure I asked if we could go for a hike down Ocean Trails and talk about this more. I remember feeling sooo proud of my brother as we walked down to the trail in silence. He was a man about the whole situation and he wasn’t going to waste all that time in denial like I did. He wasn’t going to have to spend all those years hating himself because here he was already admitting this about himself for no other reason than he wanted to.

When we got to the beach we sat down on the rocks and I had finally recovered enough from my initial shock and awe to continue or conversation. He told me he knew he was gay way before I had come out and when I did the first thing he wanted to do was tell me he was gay too. What stopped him was our mother’s reaction, which was just south of love and acceptance. He told me that every time we spoke on the phone all he wanted to do was tell me he was gay, and after we hung up he would sit in bed crying for hours because he didn’t say anything.

I felt sick thinking about all the shit I went through with my mom all over again because now I know all that shit fucked with him as much as it did me. Because everything she said and did to me would be exactly what she would do to him. I was paralyzed with all these thoughts racing through my head, at that moment I hated myself for not being there more for my brother this year and not being able to see what he was going through, I hated my mom for being such a bitch and making my brother feel like I did, and above all that I was just so proud of my brother and honored that he chose me to tell first.

I guess he saw I was a little overwhelmed and totally at a loss for words so he continued talking. He told me he was finally ready to stop lying and be who he is. He knows my mom isn’t going to change, but his dad will be a lot more accepting and he wanted me to drive him to his dad’s house so we could tell him together. He wanted to do it right then because he didn’t want to lose his nerve, so we went back to my car and drove to his dad’s house.

Out of all the dads my mother has given me, and trust me there have been A LOT! My brother’s dad is by far one of my top 2 dads of all time. I wasn’t worried about what he would say at all because he’s a good man with a good heart and I KNEW this was going to work out. Still before we walked into the house I told Tom no matter what happened here I was going to stay by his side and I loved him more than anything else on this planet. Then we walked in and he told his dad that he is gay in much more eloquent speech than I am capable of and after some time to get over the shock his dad was mostly okay with it.

Then Tom dropped the bomb and he asked for a favor. Tom never asks for anything! I am the Jock brother that played all the sports and threw all the parties, Bob is the spoiled rotten brother that gets all the attention and spends all the money, and Tom is the quiet studious one that helps out around the house and cooks dinner. So when he makes a request it’s never taken lightly. Basically he told us that living in mom’s house having to listen to all the hateful things our sisters and mom say makes him really depressed. Sometimes they say something about me and it affects him so much he has to run to his room and just cry. He no longer feels safe in her home and he wants to move in with his dad.

Hearing my brother saying these things about living in his own home I was furious because it was how I spent my entire life feeling also. It is the worst feeling in the world and I worked my ass off and gave my mother everything I could just so I could protect them from feeling how I felt. But here it was happening all over again! Same shit different day.

Of course Tom’s dad said it was okay he moves in with him, but there was still the issue of what we were going to tell mom. We all decided it would be best to wait until winter break in about two weeks. We would use this time to start planning the move and getting the logistics taken care of. There aren’t any custody issues because my mom never took Tom’s dad to court for any formal agreements because my mother has always felt strongly that her children get to decide who they live with. Also we are going to use this time to figure out if coming out to mom is something that he wants to do. In this instance I am all for hiding the truth and making up some stupid lie like catching the bird flu or small pox. But Tom is feeling strongly about biting the bullet and telling mom the truth.

All I know is if he comes out to mom and she has something to say about it, which she will, I’ll fucking lose it! It was fine when she was only doing this to me, I could totally deal with that. But now she’s bringing my brother into this and he’s a completely different story. FUCK! Just thinking about this makes me want to put my fist through the wall. I am pretty sure that deep down I still love my mother, I just can’t remember why I do anymore…

Saturday, December 06, 2008

EPIC FAIL!




We have postponed the rest of our snowboarding extravaganza due to the fact there wasn’t any fucking snow! Yeah I know, we fail at life! We all decided to head back to SD and try this whole thing again in January. Yesterday was a little warm so we decided to have a little fun in Johnny’s pool since none of us really had the energy to hit the beach.

Things are getting really crowded in my house as of late with my uncle, Bradley, and Jane living there for almost as long as I have had my place, and Tyler deciding to stay with us through January, I have finally run out of bedrooms! Of course I couldn’t be more thrilled to have Tyler in my house, and I totally won’t miss having a room dedicated to all mine and Bradley’s Trophies and such… All that shit has been relegated to the game room and the garage (where all that crap belongs! People already know how awesome I am without having to see an entire room full of reasons why!).

Bradley and I are working through some relationship drama which hasn’t been very fun. Basically I’m a self absorbed asshole and the biggest brat EVER and getting me to apologize or admit I might be a little wrong is like trying to split an atom with a chisel and a sledge hammer. Its crazy because I see that I am wrong, I know exactly how I can make it better and I know eventually I will give in and make things right, but I won’t do it until I look like the biggest asshole EVER and everybody is telling me so. One day Bradley is going to get really tired of always having to be the grown up and leave me for some kid in high school and ironically that kid will still be more mature than I am.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Riot!!


It's day 5 of my totally awesome snowboarding trip and I have yet to go snowboarding. Can't say it wasn't expected, so we came with a couple of back up plans and have spent the last 5 days pool skating, rock climbing, EXTREME BIKING, and of course jumping into large bodies of water in 40 degree weather then running around half naked! While I can't really say that I have really spent a single moment bored, I am feeling a little unfulfilled not getting to use my snowboard!
We have been talking about abandoning our snowboarding plans for activities that we will actually be able to accomplish. I put my vote in for Hawaii where they are having 20 ft waves @ North Shore. Tyler's down, but Johnny's got his heart set on snowboarding and wants to hit Whistler which Jane is down for and I kind of a little bit but not really want to do that too. So I guess my point is that all is not lost for some alternative sport action! 

I am looking to do some serious damage on my credit card over the next few weeks because I am TOTALLY going to be making the big money staring in January! Not that I am really going to have many chances to actually use my credit card, but that's a different story that I don't really want to bitch about right now because I always feel like I come off a little petty and ridiculous. Argh! Basically Tyler still treats my like a baby and he pays for everything and he carries all the heavy things etc and its fucking annoying! Yeah I get that he's bigger/older/stronger/richer than I am but we could at least pretend that for an hour of every day that I am his equal, RIGHT!? Okay I'm done.  Of all the problems I have the one that bothers me the most is a friend that likes to take care of me, how much of a bitch am I!?


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Why?


I have always struggled with trying to fully articulate the thoughts in my head into actual cogent speech people around me could understand. The more strongly I feel on the topic the more difficult it is to coax anything out of my bumbling and clumsy mouth. I find the best way to avoid these embarrassing verbal slip ups is to preempt a serious discussion with a joke and quickly change the subject. For most people I interact with on a casual basis this is enough to appease them but for those who know me they recognize the pattern all too well and always find a way to approach the subject again.

I guess it started innocently enough with me bitching about not wanting to drink anymore alcohol because the last 3 nights in a row have left me with this odd notion that my kidneys were actually in pain and crying out for a reprieve. So we stayed in, smoked a couple of bowls, and watched some movies. When the movies were done we flipped through the channels until we ran into my big fat head on the screen. It was one of my interviews from a few months ago being replayed on a recap for the tour, so began the razzing…

In the end it always ends with the same question, “why do you have such a problem with fame?”. I guess at some point or another all 3 of my friends have asked me this, but I always did what I do and made a joke about it, or stuttered through some incoherent explanation that I didn’t even understand. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately, because in one form or another, this keeps on coming up! Whether it be from one of them asking me or one of my million other friends, everybody wants to know WHY!? Even Matt @ DTB got in on the action the other day with his “WHY?” and like always the best I could come up with was “errr I dunno I just didn’t like it or something…”

I guess what I am doing now is trying to put into words what this icky feeling in my heart and this lump in my throat really mean. GOD DAMN THIS IS HARD! The most difficult thing to explain is how I can be so outgoing and popular but at the same time totally hate attention from strangers. Let’s face facts, I am an attention whore but at the same time I want to decide when I get that attention and who is giving it to me. One of the most uncomfortable moments of my life was when this guy walked up to me, introduced himself, then told me where I went to HS, who I surf for, what my shoe size was, and when my birthday is! I don’t mind telling anybody any of this information, but it’s mine to share and until I share it having strangers know about me makes me feel violated! But that’s only part of it…

I don’t know how to explain how I like who I am and I like the guy I see in the mirror, but the guy I see on print or on TV kind of freaks me out. That guy I am out there in the public is the guy they tell me to be. He’s the guy I have to be because I am too scared to be the man I really am and I don’t see that ever changing. My life is my own, does it really make me a coward for not wanting to share it with everybody?

There it is. That's my problem. Or problems. I think... I am sooo not rereading this to try and figure out if I did in fact make any sense what so ever.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Well...


Turns out I have a lot more time than I originally thought I would to spend messing around on the internet. I don't really have anything exciting to post today, but stay tuned for non alcohol and drug induced posting...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Mountain fun!


Me, Johnny, Tyler and Jane are all packed up and ready to celebrate our new found freedom from the world of "employment" (read we are all spoiled rotten losers who quit our jobs and plan to mooch off our parents for a hot minute). Right after we finish our Thanksgiving dinners with our families we are piling into our car for our 2 week adventure where we will hit Mt. High, Big Bear, Mammoth & and if we still have more energy we'll head east to where the real challenges are!

All four of us haven't taken a trip like this together since high school. I am almost scared to think about the trouble we are going to get into along the way... But not really! I am sooo excited thinking about the trip that I literally just squealed! I'm sooo busy from now until Thanksgiving so I won't be blogging anymore this week. I am also not sure if I will get anytime from now until we get back so until my next post, Keep it real! I'm out of here.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Birthday Bonanza!


It’s about that time of year again… 23 years ago almost to the day, 2 completely irresponsible 15 year olds decided adoption, abortion, and abandoning me in a dumpster weren’t the cool new thing all the other teenagers were doing at the time. So instead they kept me, and the crazy shenanigans of teenage parents ensued. After 23 years of what I would consider, “A hard knocked life”, I am still alive so I guess they did something right.

I have no issues telling somebody I love them or I care for them. I have no issues giving somebody a present or giving them some sort of gesture to let them know they are important to me. What I do have a problem with is allowing others to do the same for me. I can’t even accept from others what I so freely feel comfortable giving to them. Intellectually I know I deserve all the love and affection my friends, family and boyfriend have to give me but I have never really been much of an intellectual.

Tyler wanted to make a big deal out of my 23rd birthday for some stupid reason he keeps explaining to me but I keep forgetting. I was having NONE of that. So I decided to preempt him by having a birthday BBQ for myself! So I send out some e-vites and I make a few calls, but in the end only a hand full of people commit themselves to coming. Since I have such low self-esteem and am generally pessimistic (when it comes to stuff for me) it made perfect sense to me that nobody wanted to come.

Fast forward to yesterday Tyler, Johnny, Bradley and Jane are all doing their best to get me out of my grumpy mood because everybody abandoned me on my Bday! Then around 1 I go to get the grill started and I can’t find the FUCKING charcoal! I seriously almost punched a wall I was so pissed off. So Tyler casually suggests we go out to grab some grub instead of be cooking for everybody when it’s my birthday. At that point I couldn’t really argue because I felt totally defeated. I know! I get it! I am such a brat and when things don’t go my way I can bitch like nobody’s business! It’s annoying and I apologize for the unattractive behavior.

Anyway we jump into my SUV and I let Tyler drive because all I want to do is get in the back with Bradley and be in my moody head for awhile. We finally get to this restaurant around Encinitas (which is WAY further than I wanted to go!) and this place is PACKED! There were so many cars in the lot that we had to park down the street. I start to get mildly annoyed again because I am HUNGRY and we just drive a half hour to get food a restaurant where I am probably going to have to wait another half hour before we can finally eat!

As we are walking toward the place a couple of my SD friends (that I invited to my party but the declined!) come out and totally make eye contact and freak out! But I wasn’t about to let them get away from me without a guilt trip for ditching me on my day. So I walk up to them and I am like, “Hey guys! What’s going on? How was the food? Any big plans today?” They kind of smile at me and tell me they just had some food and they were about to go catch some waves. I tell them they need to come inside with us and have a couple of drinks with me since it is MY BIRTHDAY! So of course they do. Walking through the parking lot in the back of my mind I kind or register that I recognize almost all the cars in this entire parking lot, but I am not really thinking about that. What I am thinking about was the lame ass excuse my friends I just caught gave me when they told me they wouldn’t come to my party! I open the door to the restaurant still looking away though because Bradley is walking SUPER DUPER slow, and just as I turn my head to face the inside everybody in the entire establishment screams, “SURPRISE!”.

So naturally I scream, “HOLY FUCK!”, nearly shit my pants, do a 180 and attempt to run the hell away as fast as I can so people don’t seem me turn the brightest red EVER. Unfortunately Tyler was anticipating this reaction and quickly grabbed me by my waist and picked me up and brought me right back in. I think I went through all the stages of mourning in about a minute. First I was in shock, then I was in denial, then I was ANGRY AS FUCK, finally came acceptance. After calming down I scanned the place and I noticed every person I invited was here along with 20 or 30 people I didn’t invite but was still pretty excited to see. Initially I was annoyed with Tyler because I told him there was no way in hell I wanted to have another surprise party as long as I lived. But I got over that pretty fast because this was actually a lot of fun.

Like I said, the party was fun. Still nobody bothered with logistics. I had limited space for transportation of goods, and an obscene amount presents. Seriously after one turns 14, I really don’t see the point in presents anymore! It took a 4 SUV caravan to get all my shit back to my place. Though I think presents are stupid I did get some pretty awesome gifts! A couple of my friends are disgustingly talented artists and I got some really amazing pieces from them. There were also quite a few of my old sponsors there and I got some kick ass gear for both surfing and snowboarding. I also got gift cards up the butt and am quite sure it will be a very long time before I actually have to pay cash @ a Starbucks, Coffee Bean, or Best Buy!

Once we got home Bradley and I packed an overnight back and drove up to the Tyler’s house. This morning a lot of my family came over and we had a nice birthday breakfast bright and early (6:30am early!). This one was a lot more relaxing and easy to accept because I knew it was coming. Now that I am finally having a moment to let the dust settle I am a little embarrassed over all the attention. I never really quite feel like I deserve it, but I know I know it makes them just as happy as it makes me so I try and dwell on that. I am looking forward to a lazy Sunday and seriously hoping that there are no more surprises in my immediate future because I don’t really think I can handle anymore birthday celebrations.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Be the change!

I’ll admit it, for a second I let all this bullshit get to me. Certain responsibilities from life and this stuff from Prop 8 were weighing me down. I felt like I was on my own when mom and her spawn were tearing into me. I started to have regrets thinking I didn’t really have much time left for my dreams, or maybe I should call them my goals. Unfortunately Bradley knows better than anybody I seldom sleep anymore. Then I think about how I’ve wasted all my time with life’s daily bullshit and deep down I know this time I’m through with it. I can’t go on being angry or upset with my mom or my dad or society trying to fuck with my happiness.

Last night we drove to my hometown to stay with the Tyler’s with about 14 of our (mine and Bradley’s) favorite San Diego people. This morning a few dozen of my closest buddies from my hometown met up with us and we took a chartered bus to the rally in LA. We have made it to quite a few rallies since the 4th, but this one meant the most to me because everybody I knew made it a point to be there with me.

It was hot as balls and I had to pee from the time we arrived there at 9:45 am until we had lunch in Little Tokyo around 3:00pm. About a half hour after we arrived some crazy Christian protesters showed up with their HUGE ASS signs. Yet despite the heat, needing to pee the entire day, and the handful of bastards trying to ruin a truly magical experience, the day was perfect. I have never seen so many people gathered to support a single cause in my entire life, and being there with my friends and family to witness this was very special.

I guess it was kind of bittersweet being there at the rally today. Even though I was inspired by the sheer number of people who showed up to support the cause, knowing everyone was hear to fight for our civil rights was a little disheartening. There were a few speakers that really got to me, and a few speakers that really made me laugh, but with each person who took the stage, I could feel a shift in the crowd as people got more and more excited. It culminated with everybody chanting that we march ending the infinite number of speakers that took the stage. FYI Xena Warrior Princess was the highlight of my day and when she did her little battle cry I screamed like a bitch!

When the marching started we had soooo much fun screaming and singing etc. Mrs Tyler was there with her signs and her HUGE sun hat screaming about equal rights. She even had a button saying she supports her gay son. She made me cry 3 times today, because she made me feel so good about myself I almost felt like I wasn’t deserving of it. Tyler was there with his Heteros for Homos shirt and his arm around me and his HUGE I support my gay brother sign which also made me want to cry like a bitch. Johnny was there with a sign and a shirt, and of course so was my boyfriend. I know I keep saying it, but I am not sure I meant it until now. I really am hopeful for the future, both my future and America’s future.

There was this one awesome super awkward moment about a half hour into the march. We were walking when we passed this dude that looked entirely too familiar to me. Somehow we ended up making passive eye contact and totally do a double take because we simultaneously know how we know each other! We were both TV hosts on obscure cable networks on super testosterone driven stations that probably together get about 3 female viewers and probably as many gay viewers. The first words out of his mouth as we approached each other to shake hands were, “Hey RGB! I’m not gay!”. It was seriously hilarious the way he had this deer in the headlights look on his face. Honestly, him being gay was probably the furthest thought in my head when I saw him, but after he said that I kind of felt a little suspicious… Anyway I introduced him to Bradley, Tyler, and Johnny, and I swear he totally swooned when he shook Tyler’s hand (as all guys & girls do) but I decided to overlook that and we said our goodbyes and continued on our march.

The end result of the day is that I honestly feel like I am not as big of an outsider as I once felt. Society doesn’t hate me as much as I originally thought, and it’s okay to be happy even of things aren’t going as good as they could be. I am ready to smile.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

On my mind

I have been holding off on posting for the last few days to see if I could get a fresh perspective on things. Initially I was pretty upset when prop 8 passed because of what it meant about our state and the people who live in it. It validates people like my mother and it makes them believe they are justified in their point of view because the majority of “the people” agree with them. It’s infuriating because no matter what we say, they will never respect us enough to let us be equal.

My mom let me know she voted yes on 8 when I went up to visit my brother on Thursday. Sometimes I think she is trying to make me feel as shitty as humanly possible. Before my mom became a Christian she never even voted, but after she found Jebus she’s all about the democratic process. Its disgusting because this is how the majority of us think; there is always some cool kid (whether it be the priest at church or the leader of your local union) peer pressuring all the lesser minded losers to do certain things and think in certain ways and people just do it because its easier than thinking for themselves.

I wish more young people would take our government and all of our processes seriously. Most people my age are extremely apathetic when it comes to learning about politics and the issues that affect us. They would rather assume that the government is just fucked up enough to never be fixed but functioning just well enough to assume everything that needs to happen will eventually get done. Let’s face it, not every gay person that was able to vote actually voted. Of course they didn’t want to lose the right to be equal; they just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. Apathy is the problem and it’s hard to not become apathetic when it feels everybody around you doesn’t care. Also its hard to not be discouraged when you can’t even convince your own mother you deserve to be just as happy as any of her other children.

I don’t know what I am trying to say here. I do know eventually I will be considered worthy in the eyes of my peers to have all the rights and privileges that the heteros have, it just feels a little shitty that I need to wait for them. I am doing my best to stay positive and not get discouraged but I think I will need a little time before I stop feeling bitter about all of this.

Side note to “Tyler” (the guy who commented on my previous post NOT my best friend)

Around 60 years ago my grandmother was locked up in an internment camp for being half Japanese while all of her family’s possessions we stolen by looters and government officials. I guess I should be really happy I wasn’t alive then.

35 years ago it was unheard of to have an Asian on television, and even though nothing much has changed on that front you can occasionally catch me on TV if you have cable! So aren’t I lucky for that too!?

7 years ago the first Asian American man was selected to be part of the presidential cabinet and the first Asian American woman was selected a year later.

My point is I am already a minority and I am all too aware of the things in my past and present that are oppressing me. Just because it was worse a few decades ago than it is today doesn’t mean I should be grateful because the omnipotent government decided to throw me a bone. I will NEVER be satisfied until I have EVERYTHING that I deserve as an American and as a human being. I still have a long road ahead of me both as a gay man and an Asian American man. I don’t need anybody telling me just because I don’t have AIDS I should put on my shit eating grin and thank the guy who’s kicking me in the teeth. FUCK THAT! The people who came before put their blood sweat and tears into the hope that this country really is a place where EVERYBODY is created equal. Because of them I have all the opportunities available to me they never did. So I honor them by not looking at my world through rose colored lenses, but instead I see it exactly as it is. I will honor them by picking up where they left off and never giving up on the American dream.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Recapping


I had an AMAZING Halloween complete with my boyfriend, my friends, and all the alcohol I could handle, and then some. My friends and I decided we were going to dress up as our favorite Mario Kart Characters, and of course we brought the fun! The one awkward thing is Bradley around my friends because of that whole age difference. Between Bradley and I we have a 3 year gap, and between most of my friends and myself there's a 2 to 3 year difference. So poor Bradley had to spend his evening with a bunch of ppl more than half a decade older than he was and sometimes it made things a little awkward. There's all this talk of me "robbing the cradle" but its really annoying because EVERYBODY forgets that I am really not as old as they are!

I woke up Saturday with a massive hangover, but I felt like the pain was well worth the fun I'd had the night before. So I got dressed and soldiered my way south to this teen event I said I would do. It was crazy how they all knew who I was (from that FUCKING TV SHOW!) and I felt super awkward most of the day, but when that all wore off it felt really amazing discussing the ocean with a bunch of kids that I could tell really cared about it a lot. It was a lot of fun to do something like this and I will definitely file that under "kick ass afternoon" in the old memory bank.

Still, after that day finally ended I was EXHAUSTED! I finally started to feel the crazy weeks that preceded me and all I wanted to do was hit the sack. Also Bradley had a match on Sunday and I haven't been able to make it to any of them since the season started and I was starting to feel like a total douche because of it. So I blew off my part in Santa Barbara for some super intense action @ Bradley's event. Sometimes I forget how amazing of an athlete Bradley is because he is so humble and the complete opposite of what you would think a varsity division 1 athlete should be. But watching him out there it makes me realize Brad's quite possibly the greatest man to ever live.

After all the craziness we went home got all cleaned up and then headed down to Hillcrest to represent against prop 8. I know I haven't spent any time talking about this even after all those emails that a lot of you guys have sent me. The reason for me not writing about prop 8 on my blog isn't because I don't care; its just really hard for me to articulate how important this is for me and how crushed I will be if my fellow Californians decide I am unworthy of the equality I know I deserve. Family is the most important thing in the world to me and it scares me to think there is a possibility that in the eyes of the law the man I love will NEVER be my family. As an Asian, an athlete, an (reluctant) entertainer, and a gay man, I have had to struggle to accomplish everything I have earned, but no matter what I was able to make it happen. In this situation right here I feel powerless to do anything but go to the voting booths tomorrow and hope with all my heart my vote matters.

I saw this clip of prop 8 and it really resonated with me because of how relatable his words were to who I am as a minority and as a child of immagrants (though my dad was technically born in an American Teritory and my mother was born in America but made in Europe I still kind of felt like the son he was talking about). Watching him speak finally gave me the inspiration to say what was on my mind on this issue and even though it almost made me shed a tear I wasn't sad. For the first time in awhile I was hopeful. Not because I think everybody is going to listen to that dude from Harold and Kumar and Vote no on 8 cuz he said so! But because his words reminded me that everyday is a new chance to make things better, and even if tomorrow I am told that I am less than I know I am, doesn't mean that opinion will never change. I know in my heart what love, family and commitment are and I will never give up on believing that this is what I deserve.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Hit the ground running!


I have been up for almost 24 hours straight but I can't sleep because I am TOTALLY wired! Between the time change and the crazy last day on my trip I haven't really been able to rest. I am totally on the biggest high of my life thinking back on everything I have done, I have never been so proud of how I represented myself as a surfer and as a man. I seriously feel like I could take down a a giant with my swinging dick and my massive ego!

I am in LA right now hanging with Tyler. In a couple hours we are going to head over to my mom's to check on my brother, then later tonight we are meeting Bradley and Tyler's chick for some partying in Burbank with a buttload of HS and college friends. I have an extremely busy weekend with the party tonight, this special event tomorrow in O.C., and a CRAZY party in Santa Barbara on Sunday. Thank god for my Ritalin prescription! Hope everybody has an awesome Halloween (and weekend) partying it up and what not.

Monday, October 27, 2008

A good week



We are staying in a very nice rental right now, and I almost feel bad for the owners, but not enough to stop having fun! One of the guys on the trip is a local and has the hookup for EVERYTHING and knows EVERYBODY so we have kind of been the place to be the last couple nights.

I had an AMAZING session on Saturday where I fucking ripped it! It was so epic people were still talking about it at dinner today. All this nonstop action has really been taking its toll on my injured war torn body, luckily I have my very own hot tub to soak my aching bones and let me tell you guys THIS IS HEAVEN!

The last time I did something like this was a couple years ago. I spent most of my time alone and miserable and when we weren’t surfing I would take off by myself for hours at a time. It all culminated with me having a complete meltdown where I bailed on everybody a few days early and spent the next few weeks sulking like a bitch. I was so lame I was almost completely cut from the final release.

This time is a complete 180 from my last experience. I have confidence in myself and what I am capable of in ways that I didn’t even realize until I was experiencing them. I really couldn’t pick out any one thing in particular that makes me different I just know that its been awhile since I have felt this good about myself. I could definitely get used to this.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Gone surfing...


I am on one last surfing adventure for the year and I am extremely excited to be doing this! I am working with the coolest guys ever and the director I am doing this for is the only person on the planet I would even consider working with right now. Like all these offers, this is all last minute because I am just filling in for somebody else who wasn’t able to be here, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I was next on their list! Which is actually a huge deal for me because this is all kind of a big deal.

I haven’t really had time to fully go over the itinerary but I am pretty sure I won’t really have time to update over the next couple weeks. So until next time, keep it real!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Lost potential



When I was a teenager I was positive I knew exactly where my future would take me. I would become the most famous and successful pro-surfer to ever live, I’d be married to a super model, and I would retire at 34 after being named the ASP world champion for the 10th year in a row. Then I would spend the rest of my days running my own surf camp and raising my three boys who would grow up to be famous surfers just like their dad. For some quiet time I would turn to my art and crank out mind blowing feats of photorealism that would take the art world by storm and my work would become the voice of my generation. Obviously things aren’t going to work out this way anymore, but for a little while I KNEW what my future was and nobody could tell me different.

There’s a marked disparity from the future I predicted and the one currently unfolding as I type these words. I have failed at my dreams, but I had never felt like a failure. Lately I have been taking a lot of bullshit from the guys about all this watching from the sidelines. I sit there in the sand and I watch them go out there and rip, then they come back out and there’s me with my microphone. After a particularly good ride a surfer comes out of the water with his chest puffed out and a smile so big you’d swear some chick just blew him as he paddled in. It’s an amazing feeling and nothing in the world can even come close to comparing, and every time I see it in another guy I feel a little more like a failure.

I am not surfing, I am not painting, HELL I am not even programming! Everything I spent my life perfecting I have abandoned and sometimes I can’t even remember why. I wish I had an idea of what I want to do because then I could be working towards some kind of goal as opposed to just Forrest Gumping my way through life.

Friday I shot my last segment for the network and I got on the plane and made a promise to myself to NEVER do that again. I felt like a dirty prostitute whoring myself out to make a few dollars. Everything about it was so degrading and emotionally exhausting, but only because I have made it that way for myself (if I hear the word potential in association with myself one more time, I’m punching somebody!). Now that I am free I am not entirely sure of what I am going to do next, but I can guarantee this time things are going to be happening on my terms. The next time I have a prediction for the future I am going to work a lot harder for this one to come true. I am sick to death of people reminding me of what could have been, don’t they think I have already played that game a million times with myself!?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wish you were here.



I miss you so much. Sometimes when I am lying in bed doing my best to fall asleep at some random hotel room or sitting in yet another airport doing my best to stay awake I think about you and I miss you so much it hurts. I fucking hate this job! I make a compromise because I need some cash and I think what can one little compromise do? But for every little bit I give, they try and take a little more. I didn’t want to travel, I didn’t want to be on TV, I sure as fuck didn’t want to travel AND be on TV, and I definitely didn’t want to end up in this hotel all alone doing my best to chase some Z’s that quite possibly I will never catch.

I am at one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I am surrounded by some of the coolest guys I know. This isn’t where I want to be. These aren’t the people I want to be around. I love you and I wish you were here, but even more than that, I wish I was home with you.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Round 2

I am a hard headed bastard, enough is NEVER enough, and I don’t learn life’s lessons easily! Above all else, I pride myself on the fact that I take shit from NO ONE! Even if I know standing up for myself will leave me broken and bloody, I’d rather be in a full body cast then let some guy punk me. You guys think I have laid it on thick enough? GOOD!

My mom called me early Saturday morning to let me know my brother came home drunk and high off his ass. She wanted me to come home and help deal with it, I felt like I needed to be there so I got a plane ticket to Long Beach and Bradley drove home. Tyler picked me up from the airport and on the way I filled him in on the family drama. What I wanted from him was a ride to my mom’s house, but what I got was a fucking shadow! He knew Mike was still at my mother’s house and he wasn’t going to let me go anywhere near that place without him. He’s been protecting me since my very first day in the 4th grade and I guess there wasn’t any point in him stopping now.

My brother was sleeping when I got to my mother’s house, so I decided I was going to let him get a couple hours before chewing him out. Instead Tyler and I went to grab some breakfast/lunch at our favorite beach restaurant. Right when I walked in the owner was all over me! He told me how he’s been watching “my show” and loves what I have done with it since taking over for “other guy”. I did my best to explain I was only covering for a few episodes and I had no intention of being the permanent host, but he wouldn’t be deterred. He pulled out one of my newer posters and asked me to sign it to replace the one that had been “damaged” earlier in the year (In your face Ryan!) and let me know that lunch was on him. So all things considered it was a good lunch!

We got back to my mom’s house around noon and my uncle was outside when I got out of the car. He smiled at me and said, “What’s up fag?” In that moment I didn’t even think about it, I ran right up to him and faster than I could think about it I had delivered a roundhouse kick straight to his knee and starting my assault with a second kick to his left kidney. The second he went down on one knee I tackled him and sat on his chest just punching him like my life depended on it. I got in a good 4 or 5 hits before he picked me up and slammed me onto the ground. He completely knocked the wind out of me and banged my head on the ground HARD. I was extremely dizzy and that’s when Tyler jumped in and just DESTROYED Mike. Mike basically bought himself an all day pass to the ER.

The thing about Mike is words and emotions don’t really faze him. He’s a big stupid thug who is approaching 30 and will still get in a fight with somebody walking down his street wearing the wrong colors. What he does understand is violence, and with every punch I throw he respects me more as a man because of it. He would never say this much in front of me, but he’s said it in front of everybody else, telling everybody about his fag nephew that could beat the shit out of anybody who tries to fuck with him. When I am not around I am the pro-surfer/genius/badass nephew that takes shit from nobody he brags about to everybody, but to my face I am the super fag that doesn’t deserve the time of day. So I fight for my respect because it’s the only thing he understands.

My brother had been in the kitchen eating when Mike and I started fighting and was able to catch most of the show. He ended up being a lot more difficult to deal with than my uncle. He has a lot of anger in him and while some of it is deserved most of it is just a bunch of teenage bullshit and he really needs to get over himself. I really didn't have the patience to coddle him so I let him know exactly what his options are. He doesn’t have any. I am not above calling his parole officer and getting his ass tossed in jail for the handful of laws he broke by partying the way he did. Zero tolerance and zero chances from this point on. I also warned him I didn’t need mom to tell me when he stepped out of line (because I know she will give him a million more chances to fuck up before telling me) all his friends have older brothers and sisters, and I KNOW ALL OF THEM! He can’t go anywhere or do anything without running into somebody that I KNOW and the second I hear anything, HE’S DONE!

After I was done, I took him surfing and we grabbed some burgers at In&Out. It was almost like old times. I really miss being a part of my family. This time around I am going to do a better job of standing my ground. I am going to do my best to be around more, but I really hope he doesn’t fuck up because I meant what I said, he has no more chances! What kind of brother would I be if I went back on my word?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Back to normal


Last night was my "going away" party because I FINALLY headed back to SD! I am BRUISED like nobody's business, but god damn was that fun! Even though all my friends are getting old as fuck, they still know how to have a good time.

Bradley stayed home from classes today because we had some "catching up" to do. I am sooo tired from all that "catching up" that I need to spend some serious time recovering now. There's no place like home, I instantly feel better just being here.

I have a major bro party WAY inland this weekend that I am not looking forward to, but I am going to bring Bradley and we are totally going to make a weekend out of it. I hate bro parties because they are all just so fucking retarded, but its the life I chose so maybe I should just shut up and take it like a man.

All those weeks in LA gave me some serious time to meet with some awesome connections for exciting business opportunities. I think I feel a change in the wind... I am so over this bullshit I call a job and for the first time I think I have some options that don't make me want to step in front of a bus. More to come later...

Monday, October 06, 2008

Group hug!


I have been acting a little crazy these last few weeks. The stresses of life have really weighed down on me to the point of extreme exhaustion and more than a few tears. I am beyond done with LA and I am counting the days until I can come home to SD, and Bradley.

Between my crazy work schedule, and my brother's "recovery efforts" I am stretched pretty thin with the fake smiles and A-OK disposition. So to relax I have been hitting the gym with Johnny 6 days a week. He's training for one of the biggest fights in his career so it's really nice being around that kind of intensity! He doesn't have time to ask me how I am feeling or even notice if there's this huge raincloud over my head. We just hit the gym with a bunch of other guys and spend hours and hours grappling, hitting the heavy bag, and running until we vomit. If it weren't for Johnny I would have drank myself stupid this passed month.

Sunday afternoon a bunch of friends came over and we decided to head out to the beach. These are my super duper masculine friends that usually communicate with each other with a series of grunts and crude gestures, so I felt pretty safe from any emotionally invasive conversations. We had some beers caught a few waves and grabbed some good eats at a local dive restaurant it was a good day. Then Johnny had to go and ruin it all, but not really!

We were all sitting on the sand as the day started winding down not really talking about anything. Then Johnny looked over at me and told me he something that almost made me cry. BUT I DIDN'T, because I am a tough manly man like that! The other guys basically agreed with their usual grunts and inappropriate scratching. In the end it was relatively painless and extremely cathartic. I need more weekends like this.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Lost Sympathies

I am far from perfect. I don't demand perfection from the people around me. Just as long as they are giving their all, I resepect their effort and I move on.

I guess the hardest pill to swallow was accepting there might be a slight possibility things may not come as easily to other people as they do for me. I know I am lucky, but I WORKED HARD for the things I have achieved! Still I would be lying if I didn't admit certain aspects of working hard come easier and more naturally to me than they do for other people. So far share time has taught me that everything is my fault and the road to recovery starts with blaming others! Well I guess technically my brother is taking some blame for his actions, still when it gets right down to it, somehow its all my fault.

Apparently I was his main male figure growing up, so all his shit is somehow my fault. When I was my brother's age I did a lot of drugs and drank A LOT, I was arrested A LOT for curfew violations and "defacing public & private property" (I was a grafiti artist and damn proud of it!), and I would go out and party then not come home for days. This is the example my brother says he was follow and I think it's bullshit! If you people haven't figured this out, I am one of those all or nothing kind of guys. So if this 15 year old version of myself was the example he was trying to follow then what about the rest? I was on 3 varsity teams, I maintained ABOVE a 4.0 GPA, I was vice president of the student council, and I paid my mother's mortgage. He had to repeat the 10th grade so it goes without saying he's excluded from extracurriculars and let's not add insult to injury by bringing up the money issue.

Besides, what kind of strong male figures did I have in my life? I had 3 to choose from; my dad who would rather pretend life is perfect than deal with the reality, my first step father who was addicted to meth and would beat my mother in front of me for hours then turn his rage on me after he'd finished off my mom, or my second stepdad who was a raging alcoholic and wandered the house a shell of a man until finally one day he'd had enough and he disappeared for a few years. If we are all slaves to becoming what we observe as children, why wasn't I damned to repeat one of these scenarios!?

I feel angry and depreciated when they try and marginalize my achievements by calling me "gifted". As if being smart and a good athlete is all it takes to have my life. My brother is just as "gifted" as I am in everyway! When I was around he wouldn't even think about getting away with half the stuff he's doing, but now that I am gone he's going wild. That's on him. It has nothing to do with him not being as smart as I am or as talented as I am because he is everything I am and more.

They tell me I need to feel sympathy for my brother because he's trying to be like me, but clearly he isn't. They tell me not everybody can live life with the same "iron will" that I do. They say I need to take responsibility for the part I have played in what's going on with my brother. They even say this was bound to happen after a lifetime of living in my shadow (and that one hurts the most because that one I can almost believe). So I search within myself for that sympathy and I rack my brain to find how this is all my fault, but I just can't because I don't see it that way.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Namaste

I was pretty nervous ALL FRIDAY, I didn't actually get much sleep that night and woke up Saturday morning a nervous wreck. I just couldn't stop thinking about EVERYTHING! The new job, my brother, people knowing who I am, and a million other things, all just slowly driving me insane! Bradley got up pulled a pair of pants on and began his morning yoga routine he usually does naked in our bedroom. I looked over at him thinking how ridiculous he looked doing yoga in those tight brown corduroys when all of a sudden I realized I had the biggest erection EVER!

Two hours later I felt a lot better. I am not going to go so far as to say I wasn't nervous anymore, but like I said, I felt A LOT BETTER! There were a few moments when I wanted to bury my head in the sand and wait for everybody to leave me the fuck alone, but in those moments I just took a deep breath and waited for myself to calm down. I love how things were put into perspective for me that morning, it really worked out nicely. If that ass in those pants doesn't make you feel better, then chances are you don't deserve to have a penis.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Something is not right with me!




People have been talking about this project I worked on recently. It’s been getting a lot more play than I ever thought it would, and I am not enjoying all the extra attention. Lately I have really been dreading the spotlight and I am not sure why... In my 23 years I have been on the cover of 2 magazines, I have been 7 films, and on TV more times than I can count. Why the hell should this latest “thing” be freaking me out so much!?

I am doing this event on Saturday where just about EVERYBODY there will know who I am. I am nervous (read scared shitless) and I don’t know why. Thinking about all those people staring at me and talking to me and about me, oh my god I can’t even breath typing this shit! I make my living being the center of attention I really need to get over myself!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

RGB, still an asshole?



I don’t even really know where I should begin. This has been a difficult week. I have so much anger in me. I am angry at my mom for making me feel like I don’t matter anymore because I am gay. I am angry at religion for giving my mother a guilt free excuse to treat me like shit. I am angry at my brother for not being able to be stronger. Most of all I am angry at myself for not being there for my family because I was too weak to deal with them. I was too weak to put my foot down and tell them ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is who I am, I am never going to change, and I am not going anywhere because I love them and they are just going to have to get used to it. Instead I left and now I can’t help but feel that this is all my fault. Especially because I have let it all go on for far to long and now its too late.

My brother is in some pretty serious trouble with the law. He’s was arrested for breaking more than a couple laws and if convicted he will very likely spend some time in juvenile detention. When I first went up to LA to see him, he didn’t want to see me. He felt like I abandoned him and he wanted to make me feel as shitty as possible for it. It worked. I spent most of last week feeling sorry for myself.

On Thursday I was asked to come to the rehab center by the guy who has been having regular sessions with my brother. So I did. He wanted to see both my mother and myself, and to say I was a little nervous would be a big understatement! I haven’t been in the same room as my mother for over a year because being around her usually sends me down a path of self-destruction that tends to ruin my normally sunny and carefree disposition, AND my weekend plans. This day was no exception.

She didn’t even try to hide her disdain as she asked me to be a part of the family for my brother’s sake. I’m not a strong person when it comes to mental attacks. It doesn’t take much for me to go curl up in a ball and cry for days. The idea of having to go back to living that way made me sick. So I did what I always do when I am scared and don’t want anybody to realize it, I attacked. As always, I was brutal.

I only have this one life, and I am tired of giving it to my family. If they want me back, they are going to have to do a much better job of showing it. I am done being their doormat, I have way to much self respect to allow anybody to treat me this way. Of course I am sorry about my brother and I want to help him but I’m not his father I’m his brother. Just as I am not responsible for causing his problems, I am not responsible for fixing him.

I feel like a prick, and I have a good feeling that maybe it’s because I am acting like one. I am done defending myself, I am done with their judgmental self righteous bullshit, and I am done feeling like I owe them something! They are the ones that owe me. And its time they realize that!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Gone Skating...


Things got pretty intense at my little lunch meeting on Friday. I left not really knowing if I was still employed. When I got home all I wanted to do was relax, but I didn't quite get to do that when I got home. I'm at Tyler's feeling sorry for myself. I have a lot of bullshit to sort through before I will be able to wrap my head around my current circumstances. Anyway I am not nearly drunk enough to start writing about my situation right now, so I am just going to call it a night.

Friday, September 12, 2008

...like a rockstar!


I am fucking exhausted! I haven't a decent night's rest for over a week (since last Wed!) and not 12 hours ago I got off a 16 hour flight. So needless to say, I fucking hurt! I am so tired I can't even sleep. Last night I hosted an event so I litterally had to go from the airport to the party and had to change in the back seat of the car on the way. I must have smelled soooo bad, there are no words to even describe it. Not only had I just gotten off a 16 hour flight, but I haven't showered since Tuesday just cuz its been one of those weeks.

The party went till 2, and of course I had to stay later for all the obligatory schmoozing I am required to do. I didn't actually get to climb into my bed until a little after 3:45am. I guess the end result turned out much better than expected. I mean I seriously was expecting to pass out in the bathroom and wake up the next morning with everybody pissed at me! Instead I lasted the whole night, and I think I did a semi decent job. Now it's 7am and I am wide awake, but only in the sense that I just can't go back to sleep.

I have a lot on my mind. I am having lunch today with my employers and other corporate types and they are going to try sell me on a job I already told them I have no interest in taking. I am trying to find the perfect words to sound grateful and flattered, yet completely uninterested. I just really want to make the point that I have no desire pursuing a career path in the direction they are suggesting. It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with my personal comfort levels, which I know for most people are completely insane and extremely contradictory but I am too old and too stubborn to change!

I need a fucking joint.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Go w/ the flow




Right now I am sitting in a hotel room exhausted as fuck thinking to myself, HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE!? One second I am shooting a segment for this obscure cable television network (the company I currently work for is one of it’s main sponsors), the next I am on a plane NOT GOING HOME! It’s my own fault; I demonstrated my ability to edit footage quickly and do it well. I BLAME THAT SUMMER OF COMPUTER CAMP A FEW YEARS AGO! Who the fuck goes away to summer camp only to get FCP certed!?

I know I shouldn’t be complaining because right about now I am probably one of the luckiest guys on the planet, but I am tired, hungry, and I have NO CLOTHES! I mean NONE WHAT-SO-EVER! Everybody knows how much I hate shopping, now insert me in a foreign country where all the clothes fit weird and throw in the extra challenge of actually finding a store that has clothes I would wear; forget about it I am more likely to just wear the same thing everyday for the week!

Enough with the complaining! I am in a beautiful city right by the beach hanging out and really enjoying myself. A very close friend of mine came back from an injury to compete this week and its awesome being here to cheer him on. Plus I know what it’s like to be in his situation so I can also be there for advice and such which is an awesome feeling!

NYC was awesome and I had a lot of fun hanging with the homies and doing what I do. I am going to be heading back to San Diego at the end of the week, then I am going to be going back to NYC at the end of the month. I am definitely doing a lot more traveling than I originally thought I would, but this doesn’t need to be a bad thing, I need the cash and I am having fun! Yeah I miss home and I am always tired, but I’m not going to get offers like this for the rest of my life, so I might as well enjoy this while I can.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Unexpected Trip




Yesterday morning…

Corporate suit: RGB thanks for holding! How’s your morning going?

RGB: Well, I had sex this morning so I’m doing pretty good! You?

Corporate suit: Haha! Thanks for sharing. It’s great to have you back! #$*%&#%! is your old alma mater right? We were hoping you could fly to NYC this afternoon and stay through the weekend. We just hired a new girl and would love for you to show her the ropes.

RGB: I guess, but this is EXTREMELY short notice! You don’t have anybody closer?

Corporate suit: We’ve actually made some cut backs this year and to tell you the truth, you are just as close as the next guy we could send… Sooo what do you say?

RGB: I guess… When’s my flight?

Corporate suit: Noon. I’ll pick you up from the airport; we have a lot to talk about.

10 hours later I am in NYC sitting in the car with my 5th favorite suit talking about my future with the company. Apparently with less people doing what I do, there’s going to be plenty more opportunities for me to travel. Which means I am probably going to be a lot busier than I previously thought. I’m telling you, being this good looking and outgoing is as much a curse as it is a blessing!

Last night I met up with the chick that’s going to be doing my job here on the left coast, and she’s HOT! I mean I am a total homo but when I saw her, I got a little bit of a semi. Those lips, that ass, her legs, she’s like the perfect woman. We had a very nice dinner with the suit, then made plans to meet up in the morning so I could teach her the biz. We spent the first half of the day going over the game plan and basically showing her how to get things done. She also went to school in the city so she knew her way around, but it’s very safe to say that she and I had very different experiences here. And that’s all I am going to say about that…

Tonight I met up with a couple of my homies and we drank ourselves stupid, so pardon and nonsensicalness because drunk blogging isn't always as cogent as we think it is while it's getting written! I am here through Sunday, and big days are Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It’s really nice being back in the city, unfortunately I’m not really going to have much time to catch up with my friends while I am here. We all know what they say about boys who are all work and no play, so I may just have to make some time. Well its almost 2 in the morning, but I am still on LA time, so I am going to go for a jog then come back to my apartment and take a nice long bath.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day Weekend





Friday morning Jane and I drove up to LA to pick Tyler up, and then we proceeded up North to Mr. and Mrs. Tyler’s beach house for a fun weekend with the friends and fam. I was super psyched because I was really looking forward to sitting around the bonfire acting stupid with my budz. Since getting home all I have done is stress out like nobody’s business (you know with getting my ass kicked, giving my mother my life savings and having my car scrapped), so this weekend was my chance to really forget about life for a minute.

I am running dangerously low on funds and need to get a job. I know that most people usually have to have a job 5 days a week in order to support themselves, but I just don’t swing that way! Usually after I finish up with a summer camp I take a month or two off; however it looks like this year life has other plans for me. The car issue really isn’t a big deal because I have two cars. Even though the second car isn’t exactly practical (it’s a 1972 Porsche Carrera and the parking break doesn’t work so you have to leave it in gear when you park it), I was able to drive up to LA and pick up the spare car from the Tyler’s. I feel fucking ridiculous driving around an $80,000 SUV, which ironically is also a Porsche, but it’s better than waking up in the morning only to find out my Carrera rolled down the street into the neighbor’s living room!

I spent most of last week going over my options for cash flow trying to figure out what I could do for money that would leave me relatively untraumatized. My options: I can go back to promoting (just so you guys know, if I have to go to one more frat party and laugh at one more gay joke, I’M GOING TO STAB A BITCH!), I have a standing offer to do some consulting at Tyler’s firm (which I also don’t particularly enjoy. Proof here and here), I also have quite a few skate and surf companies that have been begging me to write on their lines for a long time (selling my art always makes me feel icky, and creating for people that have no idea what they want always causes me some heartache). I realize no matter what I choose to do there are going to be some positives and negatives, so I am not looking for something that is going to bring me eternal happiness and help me discover the meaning of life. I just want to have a job that isn’t going to make me want to slit my wrists after doing it for a few months.

Needless to say, I have been stressing out big time. Spending my weekend surfing and relaxing with my peeps really helped provide me with some much needed clarity. The crazy thing is now that I have made my decision, I am almost looking forward to getting started on it! Life is about to get a little crazy, but I think I'm ready for it…

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hapa Pride!



Lately everybody seems to be obsessed with mutts like myself! As if being half Asian half White affords me access to this new elite race of superior human beings. I do agree that in general, we are smarter, prettier, and did I mention prettier? But there are a lot of things that I find separate us from each other, and like anything else the rarest of the breeds are ALWAYS the best!

Recently I was having a conversation with a few friends of mine on this very topic. It’s a conversation that I have had a million times before, but this time I finally had another person with me who was able to corroborate what I was saying! So in the end together we were able to prove my point and by extension (of me being right) eventually bring an end to world hunger and peace on earth & good will towards men.

I am pretty sure that if we are truly honest with ourselves, we are all in some way just like our parents. Not only does that mean one day we too will be working class stiffs with a house, a yard, a few kids and a dog, but also that path we choose to get there usually parallels their own. You guys might ask what this has to do with anything, but I’m getting there so hold your fucking horses!

A white friend of mine, Dick, thinks that all Hapas are created equal and in his eyes we are all super cool in a happening sort of way. I on the other hand do not agree with that statement at all! Give me 5 minutes with a halfsy and I can tell you almost beyond a shadow of a doubt whether they are my kind of Hapa, or if they are from the dime a dozen bargain bin.

Now this is where my previous statement about being just like our parents comes in. Most White/Asian couples are between a White guy and an Asian girl, and it’s always some drop dead gorgeous Asian chick and the geekiest most homely White guy since the invention of White homely guys. An Asian chick marries a white guy because she loves him, but an Asian chick falls in love with a White guy because she knows her parents will hate him just enough to think of her as a rebel but like him enough to not disown her because they know he will be a good provider. The bottom line that no self respecting modern girl will ever admit to (which only makes this MORE TRUE) is that deep down every girl wants to be rescued and taken care of, but at the same time have that small sense of danger/rebellion/uniqueness about them.

Since basically we are all just like our parents, two types of personalities inevitably rise from the loins of these couples; nerdy loser guys that stay home playing D&D listening to Metallica and Dragonforce, and ridiculously ditzy girls that are over the top turbo sluts. The guys have absolutely no self confidence or social abilities because they didn’t exactly get the best of genes to begin with, and the girls are all really easy because they are super insecure about being half Asian and overcompensate by sleeping with the entire football team.

Now over to the rarity, the Asian guy and White girl couples. There are many reasons why we don’t see a lot of them around, but I think the biggest reason has to do with confidence. If you are not Asian it’s impossible for you to understand how hard it is to be a strong confident male in America, or any White dominated westernized society. Our society wasn’t made for Asians and it doesn’t represent us in any way shape or form, ESPECIALLY in the media and even more so if you are an Asian male. Like I said, you have to be Asian to understand this, but who do we have to look up to while growing up that we can see ourselves in? Any other ethnicity out there, you can find at least one guy in the media that represents his people in a positive way: superhero, fire fighter, captain of the football team, president of the student council, lady’s man. Sorry not if you’re an Asian guy!

So for an Asian guy to break out of the chains that his world has bound him in and refuse to conform to the way society thinks he should be, he needs balls! These guys are mother fizucking badasses! They are mostly always the Asian guys that all the other Asians shun and call “twinkies” (come on guys get your minds out of the gutter! It means yellow on the outside but white on the inside!) but deep down wish they could be just like us. The guys from this category that choose to marry white women do so not because they are white, but because they are looking for that same confidence they have in themselves. The offspring of the Asian dudes and White girls are the cream of the fucking crop! The guys are the captains of the team, the presidents of student council, Mr. Popular, and the big man on campus. And the ladies are just like the guys in the sense that they too have the confidence in themselves that their generic Hapa counterparts do not.

Of course there’s always an exception to the rule, and every once in awhile you may come across an anomaly that goes against my extremely offensive stereotyping. But in general it takes no more than tossing a football to automatically know if the Hapa you are talking with has an Asian for a mother, or a father.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My + Ass = KICKED!

I have had this memory from my childhood stuck in my head for a while. I am 8 and I am sitting in the back of a truck with my uncle Mike getting a ride home from school (who the fuck lets an 8 year old ride in the truck bed!?). Mike’s 3 years older than me, but he got held back, so we are in the same grade. My mother is sitting in the front of the truck with my stepdad and they are screaming at each other. When we pull up to my house, Mike jumps out and leaves his backpack, so I stay behind to grab it. As I toss it down to Mike, my mother gets out of the car and slams the door. At that moment I make eye contact with my stepdad in the rearview mirror, then he slams on the gas and peels out. My next memory is of my uncle Mike crying hysterically refusing to leave my side as the paramedics load me into the ambulance.

It’s an odd thing to think about, I know! It was just something that popped in my head recently, and ever since, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. There I was in the room with Mike thinking to myself, HOW THE FUCK DID I LET MYSELF GET INTO THIS SITUATION!? The second I knew he was home I should have done a 180 and gotten the fuck out of there. BUT I didn’t! Instead I went right in and tried to grab all the stuff I came to get my mother’s house. She was at work, and all the kids were elsewhere and this would be my only chance for a long time to actually be in the house without my mother harassing me! Johnny and I drove all the way up from San Diego for my social security card and a couple of my old surfboards, and I wasn’t about to let Mike ruin this for me.

I gave Johnny the keys to the garage so he could load up the surfboards and I went into the house to grab my social security card. I knew Mike was there even before I walked into the house because I could smell his nasty ditch weed from the driveway. Thinking about it now, maybe a small part of me wanted a confrontation because of the way we left things the last time I saw him. Right now I am stronger, more confident and better trained than I have been in my entire life, and maybe I wanted to see if it was enough. Well, if I wanted a fight, I got exactly what I wanted…

He was in my face the second I walked into the door. At first he was just calling me names and being an asshole, but then he pushed me into the wall with so much force that it knocked down almost all the pictures. I think this was the moment where I realized confronting Mike was a bad idea. It doesn’t really matter how well trained I am because he’s still 6’3 and 240 and I am still NOT. But it was too late because I wasn’t about to back down AGAIN! I may be a “fag”, but I am nobody’s bitch! And I refuse to let anybody treat me as such.

So I grabbed the hand he was using to pin me against the wall by his pinky, and in one fast motion I twisted his arm so he spun with his back to me. Then I lifted it as high as I could and proceeded to knee him in the kidney with all my strength. At this point all my adrenaline was gone, and I was left with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was about to get my ass handed to me. That’s when he turned around and punched me so hard in the stomach that my whole body just locked up. I couldn’t move, much less breath. I totally just fell to the floor and crumpled into a ball. He was screaming stuff at me but I couldn’t really process the words. Then he kicked me, it hurt. A lot. I guess that’s when this memory from my childhood of him standing over me popped into my head. One second I was seeing stars, doing my best to prepare myself for the next blow the next I hear Johnny storming into the house.

It was over pretty fast, Mike’s a pussy if he’s in a fight with somebody his own size. Still Johnny didn’t exactly let him off easy. I think Mike’s going to need some stitches, and maybe a neck brace... When Johnny got me in the car and when we got back on the road I started crying. It wasn’t soft quiet manly crying where I could pretend there was something in my eye, it was loud embarrassing snot and tears and hysteria. I couldn’t get that memory of my 11 year old uncle crying over me as if his world just ended all because I was hurt. It was such an odd juxtaposition to the situation we just came from. Even more than that I just felt so alone and unloved. Like a few years ago I had all these people in my family that would have done anything for me just to make sure I was okay, but now I am all alone. A person that just walked into my life yesterday would never believe that there was once a time when I was loved.

It was all just so overwhelming and all I could do was cry. So I did. Johnny pulled the car over and hugged me so tight I thought I would suffocate. And I just kept on crying. I felt so goddamned ridiculous acting like such a bitch, but I couldn’t stop. Eventually I calmed down and when I was done we were just pulling up to Tyler’s pad in Culver City. We picked up Tyler and went out for some beers. Eventually we let Tyler in on our crazy day with my uncle, and I did my best to laugh it off, but before I knew it I felt those hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I seriously need to head to the store later and pick up some thicker skin.

We left the bar and went for a nice walk down the beach, and we had an amazing talk where I actually started to feel better. Tyler has always been good at cheering me up, I guess that’s why he’s my best friend. Johnny and I got into his car to drive back to SD around midnight. About an hour into our drive Johnny told me some awesome things, and he basically reaffirmed everything that Tyler had said to me a couple hours earlier. I am his best friend, I am never alone, I will always be loved. I am the luckiest guy in the world because I have 2 best friends and they are my brothers.