Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

FAVORITE SONG OF 2009!



This has quite possibly been one of the best weeks of my 24 years on planet Earth. I am ending this year with the biggest goofiest grin plastered across my face and it feels pretty damn good! For anybody that really knows me, they know goofy grins are like the opposite of who I am as a person; so it's kind of a big deal! This is one of those crazy moments where it actually feels good to be me. Happy new year everybody!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Give it up for the ladies...




This year has been crazy! Thinking about how it started, I feel extremely grateful it's ending in such a positive way. There's so much love in my life, from my friends, to my family, to my boyfriend. It feels pretty amazing to be me right about now!

I just wanted to wish everybody a VERY Merry Christmas! I hope all of you guys are with people that will make you smile this holiday and are getting ready for some crazy awesome festivities over the next couple days. Don't forget to pace yourselves and drink plenty of fluids! Once again, Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

long week

This has been the BUSIEST week of my life! Last Saturday I drove up North to be with Bradley because he finished his semester and we haven't had a lot of time this last month because of his finals and my crazy work schedule. It worked out well that he and I take a long weekend with each other because I needed to be in NorCal for some business on Tuesday.

I am kind of known for my "action sports" (I fucking hate that label!) productions. I have a very strong idea of how I want things to be perceived when I am shooting and editing a project and I won't stop until I get EXACTLY what I want. I am known for my unique style and I guess it's pretty easy to spot me in anything I have done because, if you know what you are looking for, I leave myself all over everything I do and I guess people like that. What can I say? In those early developmental years I was seriously affected by Jason Lee's (Side note: Jason Lee used to be the most awesome guy EVER in my eyes! Both as a skater and a person I thought this dude was AWESOME! Then he had to go and ruin it with this fucking Chipmunks SQUEAKQUEL BULLSHIT! FUCK YOU JASON LEE! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR AIRWALKS BACK CUS I DON'T WANT THEM ANYMORE!) skate videos in the early 90's, and shit like that has stayed with me the rest of my life!

ANYWAY, this company up north asked me to meet with them because they wanted me to work with them on this MASSIVE project for this new series of related videos. They had a super impressive sales pitch and I got WAY excited listening to what was actually being offered to me. I have never been offered so much creative control with a company this large and at some point I am pretty sure I squealed out loud thinking about it! The issue is that I just don't have the time to dedicate myself to something like this. I am working 60 hour weeks and I am going to be tied down to this job until at least April. Yeah this new opportunity is crazy amazing, but I made a commitment and that's a lot more important to me than some bullshit job. Granted if I hadn't made the commitment to Mr. Tyler, I probably would have quit, but I did so now I am going to see it through to the end no matter what gets thrown in my face along the way.

After the sales pitch was done and I had regretfully turned them down (seriously I think I had to fight back tears at one point), I hopped on a plane and flew down to LA where Brad was waiting for me at the airport. From there we had 2 1/2 hours to get to my house, pack, and then get to the airport. Which basically meant I had 20 minutes to pack my shit into a suitcase or I would miss my flight to NYC, and seeing as it was the last flight to NYC for the day, it would screw up the rest of my week if I did! Somehow we managed to get home, pack, and then drive back to the airport in the time alloted.

We were flying to NYC because I recently sold a few painting at this gallery my friend works for, and the guy who bought them wanted to meet me. When it comes to being an "artist" I am torn on my feelings about it. On one hand I sometimes enjoy being artistic, but on the other I FUCKING HATE THE ART SCENE A LOT! It's full of overly pretentious fakes that all just need to get a swift punch in the face to knock their smug self satisfied snarls into next Tuesday. This kind of attitude makes it difficult to be a successful artist because 9/10 of being successful is networking in these circles and honestly I'd rather make a living giving hand jobs in an alleyway.

My whole NYC trip lasted a day and a half. It was short, unsatisfying and kind of sucked in every way it could. After we checked in, I decided to take a walk to my old apartment building. It made me a little sad walking passed the building and not really being able to go up to my old place, but it was also kind of important visually confirming that this was no longer mine. Next I met with my friend who sold the paintings and she briefed me on the guy who bought them and what he's like. She told me all about the questions he had as a buyer and what he was expecting from this encounter with me. I felt like a cheap whore. Afterward, I met the guy. I could tell I wasn't what he expected, I seldom am. Toward the end of our meeting he asked if I would be open to working on something personal for him. I told him I was booked solid until September, and politely declined his offer.

The next morning Brad and I woke up around 8 and had to get to the airport for our noon flight back to LA. By the time we got back to my house in LA it was dark and I was exhausted! I had work the next day and was completely dreading it because all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep until Monday! It felt like I had just closed my eyes when my alarm went off at 8am the next morning. Bradley was already awake and had made breakfast and a large pot of coffee. The lucky bastard was going to lounge around the house all day and then meet me at my office around 4pm for my office Christmas party. I was in a pretty bad mood when I got into the office, and it was only further exacerbated turning on the lights and walking into my office (this is going to get it's own post once I have had time to process what's going on in there, but for now let's just say its a shock to the system).

Though technically I only was in the office for 5 hours, it was a long day! Brad arrived at my office on time and upon seeing the newly redecorated space, began to laugh hysterically. I kissed him to shut him up and then I realized that I hadn't told anybody in the office I am gay so this was probably not only inappropriate, but a huge shock to anybody looking. Lucky for me I was so far passed caring that I just enjoyed the moment and filed it away to stress out about at a later time. We had a few hours to kill before the party so we went to a local skatepark and shred the gnar for awhile until we were nice and sweaty. That was definitely what I had needed all week long, because after we were done I was in a much better mood and actually feeling like smiling for the first time since the week started. We showered and went to the work Christmas party, had a decent time, then went home and had an even better time ;).

The office is closed until January and I am so elated that I keep on spontaneously screaming out in excitement whenever I think about it. I have no idea what I am doing this week, but I hope it involves long naps, lots of alcohol, and plenty of marijuana.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Part 2

The crux of the drama centered around my mother and my sisters. It's been slow progress but I definitely feel like little by little they are opening up to the idea of having a couple of gays in the family. Through a combination of my patience and my brother's impatience, they have been gradually warming up to the fact that this isn't going away and they can't change it. Then I drop this bombshell on my little bro, also known as my blog, and my brother goes from being impatient with them to being DONE with them.

I know I have said that I could care less about a relationship with my mother and I still mean it, BUT it kills me that my little brother might be doing the same thing! Family is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't even deal with the idea that my brother might lose a part of his over me. We spent all night talking and crying, and arguing and crying some more. Outside of Bradley and maybe Tyler, Never in my life have I ever communicated so much of myself to another person in such a small period of time. It was quite possibly the most emotionally exhausting thing I have ever done EVER. In the end I definitely think we became a lot closer than we have ever been and it felt good thinking about my little brother as somebody who's there to look out for me like I do for him. We also decided that he wasn't going to read my blog anymore because we all need a little privacy and this is mine and he respects that.

Still he wasn't done. The thing about my brother is he's a spoiled rotten brat that doesn't really understand things like tact or respect for those who don't agree with him. He's the baby of the family and he's spent his whole life being taken care of by his 5 older siblings and dealing with 2 parents that have been worn down by the half dozen kids that came before him. Without my permission, he printed out that post from my blog and took it over to my mother's house. He read it to my mom and my sisters and in the process made them feel like absolute shit. Then he told them that if they ever did anything like this to him, or did anything that made him feel like less of a man than he is, he's not going to give them another chance to treat him like that again. He meant it and they knew it.

My sisters were calling me crying as they apologized to me for treating me the way the have been treating me and they all reaffirmed the fact that they loved me. I don't do well with emotions, both mine or other people's. They all make me feel extremely uncomfortable and all I want to do is find a dark hole and hide myself in it until people go back to acting like robots! After my 3 sisters that have been giving me a hard time called to apologize I was WAY PASSED my raw emotions threshold and I spent the next 2 days with my phone off getting wasted, skateboarding, and having a whole bunch of sex with my boyfriend; somehow hoping that this would all those icky feelings go away. The skateboarding and drinking helped, and the sex was great too, but even three weeks later I am still feeling a little burned out from all that BS.

I think I am broken because I am pretty sure I should be nothing but smiles after all this positivity and love and what not. But for some reason I have been feeling the need to be alone and I am feeling the opposite of happy. And if I am being honest here, I am almost dreading the idea of reconciliation with my family because that would mean I would have to spend more time with them which means more feelings and grossness I just don't want to be around for. Fucking hell! Now I feel like a total bastard for admitting that.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Brother drama

I have been putting off writing this post for a couple weeks now, on the count of its serious subject matter. Usually I find writing these things down cathartic, but this time around it feels like pulling teeth and that's just not fun for anybody! I guess I should start off by saying this was all triggered by an old post I wrote on my old blog "The Underground Notes" and its also posted below just so you guys won't have to click a link to get to it. This old entry was probably written at one of the lowest points in my entire life and even now that I am in a completely different place mentally, it still affects me in a way that almost reduces me to tears every time I read it. Still I don't think I have ever received so much feedback over something I have written and even to this day I receive emails on this post and how it relates to the people who've read it, which is really kind of amazing when I stop to think about it. So obviously I have mixed feelings on this entry especially as it relates to recent events in my life.

Downward Spiral

My mother called me over to the house on Friday. Against my better judgment I decided that I should go. It did not go well. I feel like every time I start to feel good about myself, my mother comes along to remind me that I have absolutely nothing to feel good about.

I didn’t want to write about it here until I had a chance to talk about it with Eddie. I also had no desire to talk to Eddie about it right before our awesome snowboarding weekend. So I did my best to put a smile on my face and have a great time hanging out with my best friends and my man.

Eddie was asking me what was wrong while we were packing our stuff into the SUV before we even started our road trip! I hate the fact that he can read me so well. I was doing an excellent job smiling and cracking jokes, so I was more than mildly annoyed when the dude that I love figured me out. By the time Tyler and Josh showed up I was a mess! Complete with snot and tears. It was awful! Still I was determined to have an excellent weekend inspite of the drama that had occured a few hours earlier.

what happened...

I saw the preacher’s car in my mother’s driveway the second I turned onto the block. There were a few seconds where I debated turning around and getting the fuck out of there. I really didn’t need to listen to my mom and a hypocritical preacher tell me that I am going to hell! For some reason I still wanted to give my mother the benefit of the doubt and believe that she was there waiting for me to come in so she could tell me that she loves me and she always will.

Of course they weren’t there to support me. The moment I sat down they started to point out all of my flaws and how they had both seen this coming for awhile. At one point they started to get really mean, repeating how I was a sinner and how long ago I stopped being a worthwhile human being.

My mother looked and me and she told me how she was doing her best to love the sinner but hate the sin, but my unwillingness to change was making it really hard on her to love me. I did my best to sit there and take it. I honestly did. I bit my tongue, I squeezed my hands into tight fists, and I counted to 100. None of it worked, and before I knew it I was screaming at my mother and a holy man. I have never in my life been so blatantly disrespectful to an adult in my life, but I couldn’t help myself.

I stood up, and for a second, I was just going to walk out. Then my mom asked me if I was going to take off again. Just like I did when I moved out; abandoning my entire family and all of my responsibilities just to pursue a sin. I fucking snapped! How dare she try and lay a guilt trip on me after all of this bullshit that she’s put me through my entire life! How could I keep my mouth shut and let her walk all over me without saying anything to defend myself and how things really are!? I only have two speeds. Relaxed and fucking crazy. I went crazy.

It started off with me calling my mother sanctimonious because she had been married and divorced 3 times in the last 15 years but the only sin that she could identify is the one that I am committing. Then again, I called her a hypocrite because she was getting angry at me for abandoning my responsibilities, when clearly the kids weren’t taking care of themselves when she was out scouring the countryside in search of her next victim/husband! I have sacrificed my happiness, freedom and safety for my family because it was my place to do so. I wasn’t ever expecting to get a medal because I have bled for my family, but I did hope my family would give me the same respect and love that I have given to them. Then I told her this was the last time we were going to have this conversation. I can’t deal with becoming completely incapacitated every time my mother decides to tell me how and why I am going to burn in hell. I asked why she was doing this to me, but at that point she was crying too hard to answer me. I guess that I didn’t really need her to tell me that she was doing this because God hates fags.

So I left.

I didn’t have a good weekend. I drank too much. I was angry and snapped at everybody around me. Even when I was smiling and having a good time I found a way to ruin it and make everybody miserable. Nobody got mad at me though, everybody understood that I was going through something major. Of course, that only made me feel worse than I already did. So I took off on my own Saturday morning before everybody else woke up. By noon I was so messed up on a bunch of different pills and alcohol that I didn’t even realize I had lost my cell, my jacket and my wallet. My next clear memory was of Tyler crying as he helped me into the shower to wash all of the vomit off.

We were on our way home first thing in the morning. Eddie called my dad, and he was at the house by the time we got home. They think that I was trying to O.D. I can’t say for sure that at some point this didn’t become the objective. I only know that now that my head is clear, I don’t want to die. Everybody is in my house now. I can hear my aunts, my father, my friends and my boyfriend all talking about me in hushed voices. They are scared that I am going to do something like this again.

I have never felt as worthless as I do right now. There’s a room filled with people that care about me so much that they are all losing sleep trying to figure out how they can help me. For some reason that only makes me hurt more. It hurts so much and I don’t know what I can do to make it all go away.


During my birthday weekend extravaganza a few weeks ago, my buddy Trevor introduced my little brother to my blog. Of course my brother was instantly hooked on it and spent almost all his free time reading through my archives from the beginning. This obviously made me uncomfortable because he's my little brother and I prefer he see me a certain way and this blog doesn't always show me at my best. But short of deleting my entire blog and refusing to ever post again, there was no way from really stopping him from reading. A few days later is when he happened upon this post. He was upset. Actually, he was fucking furious and the shocking part was a little bit of that anger was directed at me!

My brother and I have very different ideas of the kind of relationship we should have with each other. As the older brother I feel like it's my job to protect him from all the bullshit and negativity I can, because life is hard enough without me adding my drama on top of his! He feels like he should know what's going on in my life as much as I know what's going on in his because it's his job to be there for me as much as I am there for him because he's my brother and he loves me. Sometimes I forget how mature he is and how he is actually equipped to handle a lot more than I give him credit for, but I stand behind not telling him about this incident because it happened when he was 12! Still my little bro huffed and puffed and pouted until I saw his point of view and promised to be more open with what's going on in my head.

The second part of the problem was a lot messier and not nearly as easy to deal with. I think my brother really felt my pain in a way that nobody but him could understand, and it hurt him as much as it hurt me when it happened. The thing about my brother is we cope in very different ways. I like to internalize everything and keep it bottled up way down until magically it all just goes away! My brother likes to do the exact opposite, and his way is probably a lot healthier but I just don't have it in me because it's also really draining!

I need to take a break from this. This shit is wearing me down like nobody's business. Sorry guys, more to come...

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Playing Hookey!

I need to get a tattoo somewhere on my body that says, "I make terrible life decisions!". This morning I blew off work to go surfing because the surf report said there were going to be 8ft waves breaking pretty far out! I couldn't pass that up no matter what! I didn't care that I had a HUGE project at work I was still trying to get a handle on, or that it rained a couple of days ago so the ocean water was still WAY TOXIC! All I knew was that there was some serious goings ons happening in the Pacific and I NEEDED to be a part of it.

So I went into the garage and I pulled out my 5/4 wetsuit and then I went through my box of swag and found this awesome electric warming vest (it goes underneath your wetsuit and is powered by a battery pack kind of jabbed up against your ribs) that I have been DYING to try out and I headed for the beach for some serious surfing! The waves were HUGE as promised, the yellow flag was up, and as the morning progressed the sets just GOT cleaner with the surf breaking several feet overhead! I was out there until the battery pack in my vest died, and then I started to get REALLY REALLY COLD, so I got out of the water for some food and a quick rest. I was exhausted and EXTREMELY out of shape after having done nothing but sit behind a desk for the last several weeks.

I ate and then I called all my surfing buddies to let them know it was imperative they all leave work and join me for the rest of the afternoon for some AWESOME waves. By the end of my meal Tyler and Johnny had joined me along with 7 of our closest friends and I got my suit back on and got ready for round 2! I lasted about a half hour before I was just soo exhausted I couldn't even paddle back to the beach. So when I eventually made it back to shore I just collapsed on the sand and stayed there for a very long time. Once everybody else had had enough, we all went out for some more food and then everybody headed off to wherever people go when they aren't hanging out with me. I went home and fell asleep immediately because I was so freaking exhausted it was the only option!

Two hours later, I have 5 voicemails from work and more emails than I care to count. Also my body aches all over and it feels like I have just ran a full marathon! Seriously it actually hurts to open my eyes too wide. Today I was reminded that I am no longer a teenager and if I am going to do crazy shit like surf in toxic waters with huge ass waves, there's a certain amount of conditioning and stretching I should do beforehand to not feel like a 90 year old arthritic man. Oh well! I always say that if you get to the end of your life and everything on your body still works as it should, then you obviously haven't lived much of a life.

I am still debating with myself whether or not I should go into the office for a few hours. I have a buttload of work to do and taking a whole day off isn't going to make my job any easier tomorrow. But on the other hand, the day is practically over and I don't really think I have much of a mind for work at the moment. I am leaning towards going to the sauna for awhile and then going out for a couple beers and maybe some grub with my homies. I have been working 60 hour weeks and everybody needs to blow off some steam every once in awhile. Like I said at the beginning, I make terrible life decisions, so it shouldn't be a surprise to anybody on what I am going to do with the remainder of my day.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Lies the valley told me.

See the problem with the valley is it's overflowing with one uppers! The conversation starts off with, "I don't like french fries", and then all of a sudden, "Oh yeah!? Well I hate the art of fellatio!" Then BAM! The valley has struck again. I have heard some grandiloquent claims in my day, but that shit just took the cake! This dude just said to me that he doesn't enjoy blowjobs! What is it with people from the valley and their need to claim the most improbable of scenarios as their own!? I know this one chick from the valley who swears she went to kindergarten with this girl whom the little mermaid character from the Disney movie was based on! And this other dude who swears he's been to an honest to god midget colony somewhere around Arcadia. Usually we just sit their and nod our heads politely as they tell their fantastical tales of hobbit communities and hybrid fish ginger kids who's parents were Disney execs, but just under the surface we know the truth... LIES! ALL LIES!

I get it! They are stuck out there in the middle of the stagnant heat. There's no breeze or large body of water for them to cool off and relax so they all become delusional from BOREDOM, highly toxic landfills & water treatment centers! But still when is the madness going to end!? When is enough actually ENOUGH!? I'll be the one to answer my own question thank you very much. It's when some crazy valley freak makes the bombastic claim to HATE oral sex just because he read it was cool to hate it in his favorite hipster Zine with "Architecture in Helsinki" on the cover!

As an extremely sexual man this offends my sensibilities, the very core of my BEING! I mean REALLY!? It's like 1/3 of what sex is all about and by crossing that whole category off the list it kind of ruins the best part of sex. It's time the valley freaks go back to trying to impress people with their pocket mulching and stupid facebook quizzes that test their knowledge as level 3 vegans and stop trying to deface the sanctity of oral pleasure! Midget communities only exist on The Wizard of Oz. The mermaid was based off that little book written by Hans Christian Andersen. AND EVERY MAN ON THE PLANET enjoys a nice hot, wet, and wild mouth on his COCK! So get over yourself with all your tall valley tales, cuz nobody believes any of them anyway!

Monday, November 23, 2009

ROAD BLOCK!!

I left work early on Friday when my stepdad gave me a call to ask if I could pick my brother up from school because he'd just been suspended for fighting! Long story short, a senior called him a fag, so my brother beat the shit out of him right there on the spot. To me it sounded like the other kid got what he deserved and neither of them should have been suspended because the problem took care of itself. Unfortunately the school has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to campus violence though, so my brother got suspended until after the holiday weekend.

My stepdad was on a business trip on the east coast until Monday and I had a HUGE party weekend planned for me big TWO-FOUR!. I was planning on getting my bro from home afterwork and we were going to drive up north go grab Brad and then keep going north to the beach house where Tyler was getting things ready. But now I had to make a decision; was I going to pretend like I was disappointed in my brother for not letting some loser punk him, or was I going to high five him and let him have a couple beers with me at my many parties over the weekend? I got to his school and I couldn't even fake anger or even minor annoyance. The way I saw it, the next kid was going to think twice before trying to pick on my brother after this!

Unfortunately the vice principal didn't share my opinion and wanted to talk with me privately in her office before she let me take my brother home. She basically wanted me to make sure that my brother knew this was unacceptable behavior no matter what the antecedent to the fight was, and if this ever happens again my brother is going to be permanently expelled from school. Then she got all funny on me recounting my many indiscretions as a student at this school and how she could tell we are brothers. She was joking, but I got the message behind her story and I decided that my brother and I did need to have a talk about this after all! FUCKING vice principals and there crazy ass elephant memories! I couldn't even remember her name and she remembered every little thing I did wrong the entire time I went to that school.

Basically what she was telling me, in an indirect way, so I would actually listen to what she was saying (once again because she remembered me and the kind of person I am), was that my brother wasn't exactly the victim in this scenario because he isn't the kind of kid that gets picked on. He's smart, funny, handsome and extremely well liked by just about everybody because of his all around charming personality (just like his big brother). Unfortunately this makes him a little bit of an asshole to some of the other kids on the playground, just like his big brother... Yeah that kid called my brother a fag, but my brother probably did something to get a rise out of him in the first place, so I probably wasn't going to be able to slip my brother a beer over the weekend and congratulate him for beating up a homophobe.

In the end I just thought to myself, "Fuck it! I can't tell him to be nice to people he doesn't like, this is one of those things he needs to learn on his own through living his life and taking some time to reflect on the things he's done. Besides, I am not his father I am his brother! AND it's my birthday weekend!". So we drove up north to Brad's house and talked a little bit about life and such. He admitted he'd been picking on the kid and that maybe this was all his fault, but he also threw in how NOBODY called him a fag he didn't care what the reason behind it was. I couldn't argue with that, so I just asked him to try and be a bit nicer.

The weekend was CRAZY! Nobody throws a party like TYLER! I am going to be recovering from this weekend for the rest of the month. Lucky me I have an extra long holiday weekend to nurse myself back to health.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

some reflection


I have been feeling inadequate for quite some time now. This is to be expected because it always happens to me when I get a lot of time on my hands and I have absolutely nothing going on. I have way too much time to think about all those opportunities I rejected, and all that time I spent going down the wrong path. I start thinking about where I could be or where I SHOULD be, and then I compare it to where I am; then of course the feeling of inadequacy sets in and I am done. There's nothing more crushing than the burden of all that goddamn potential!

Usually when things get as stagnant as they have been, I meet up with a bunch of skaters and we shoot some footage that I edit and sell to different skater sites, or I head off to NYC for a month or two and take some time to figure out my next step. But this time the skating didn't really pan out and NYC wasn't an option (don't even get me started on the waves that have been as flat as a 10 yr old girl), and all this was only further exacerbated by that awful cuntrag I ran into at the beach a few weeks ago who informed me of my impending 10 year high school reunion, NOT TO MENTION my 24th birthday. And it all just became way too much for me to even deal with! I needed some kind of escape, a way to make myself feel like I was contributing something "grown-up", a way to make myself feel like I haven't just spent the last 10 years of my life with my thumb up my ass!

So when Mr. Tyler asked me to come to work for him I jumped at the chance to prove to myself that I could actually do it. I think I needed to see if I could actually succeed or if all my excuses were just a defense mechanism because deep down I knew that if I really tried I would fail. I got off to an extremely rocky start. That first week I was a mess and my team saw it, so I didn't really get the respect I was shooting for. But it was okay because I hadn't actually earned it yet. I spent all weekend getting organized and creating an outline that went into detail on what I expected from each person on my team, and on Monday I sat them all down in the conference room and I explained to them WITH CONFIDENCE exactly how I expect MY team to function. There was no room for arguments, and though they tried, I made the decision to make this work and there's no way in hell I am going to throw in the towel this early in the game.

Last week I was freaking out because I was sure I wasn't capable of taking this challenge. I wore my fear on my sleeve and everybody saw it. It took a couple of friends basically beating some sense into me to realize that I was fucking up big time and being extremely self destructive. I can't say that I am going to get through the next 5 months without having another freak out or ten, but I do know that next time I am not going to be so public about it and only freak out in my head. At least I don't have to wear a suit to work there's something about a tie that feels a little too much like a noose...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

REDRUM!

Day three and I am still here so, yay me! I took an extra half hour for lunch today and I went to a skatepark hoping that some physical activity would save me from punching somebody in the face during our development meetings. I didn't punch anybody so DOUBLE YAY! Although there was this one moment during the meeting where this ass hole with a receding hairline wouldn't stop challenging every word that came out of my mouth! I couldn't just tell him to shut up, so I had to call a break, and used that down time so I could kindly but firmly let him know where he could shove it in private. By the end of the day I had wrangled that facetious prick with the receding hairline into submission and in a small way it felt like a BIG victory. It turns out they passed him up for a promotion and that's why he's being a little bitch about this. Everybody now thinks I am an asshole but if that's what it takes then I am fine with it. I don't actually want to be friends with any of them anyway. I am now going to go and smoke a joint then cry myself to sleep because tomorrow I have to get up and do this all over again.

Monday, November 09, 2009

the grind

I have been struggling with trying to figure out how I fit into my life since coming home from Europe. I have absolutely no direction or drive to do anything! I spend my days watching TV, surfing shitty waves and playing with my dog, all the while slowly going crazy from boredom and a life of mediocrity. Wasn't I supposed to be the guy meant for something special? Wasn't I going to grow up with my face on the cover of magazines? What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

I went to college to become an engineer. I traveled the world to become a better surfer. I accomplished both but really didn't find happiness or fulfillment in either. Out of boredom I have taken on a huge programming project that will eventually take up every waking moment of my life, just so I can stop thinking about how much of a failure I am. Today was my first day and I spent the majority of it refamiliarizing myself with the project because I was the guy who created the original program 4 years ago. Since then, it's gone through quite a few changes and tweaks from other professionals but now its time for a complete overhaul and the honor of this metamorphosis goes to yours truly.

At first it worried me that something this HUGE and important would be entrusted to me. But then I thought about how much more impressive I look on paper (Ivy League graduate, internship at one of the top corporations in the world, multiple awards and commendations for a plethora of programming challenges and events, etc), than the reality of ACTUAL me ACTUALLY is, and I was somewhat comforted. After I met all the people who were going to be working for me and was immediately relieved to discover they were all a million times more competent than I am! I spent most of my day getting to know my team and learning a little about each of them and what they brought to the table. I usually get pretty insecure when you put me in a room with a bunch of programmers because I am pretty atypical when it comes to your standard computer guy; i.e. I don't know how to play Dungeons & Dragons, I don't have a WoW account, I never held a Magic card, and I have had sex within the last week with somebody I didn't meet on the internet.

There's usually this HUGE disconnect when I meet other programmers and I am willing to admit that I am largely to blame for this. It would be a completely fair statement to say that I am the Elle Woods of the computer world. I stick out like a sore thumb and not in a good way! I am not a huge fan of using technical jargon when it comes to explaining myself and people initially misconstrue that as stupidity, which I completely understand! Also when I talk, with no exaggeration, I sound EXACTLY like Keanu Reeves so that's 20 strikes against me alone. So today as I was getting to know my team I got that same trepidation from them I ALWAYS get when meeting new people because they think I am in idiot.

Balding 30yr. old Man: How old are you!? (more as an accusation than a question)
RGB: I am 23, but I am almost 24...

I bring this on myself by not outwardly exuding the confidence I need to show in order for them to believe in my leadership. I am working on it! What I should have said to the fucker was, " I am 23. I graduated high school at 15 and university at 20. I could have finished in 2 years since I started University as a second semester sophomore, but I was too busy being a pro surfer and fucking my way through 5 continents and more countries than I can count." Fuck it! Tomorrow's a new day. If I have to pull out my cock and beat them with it to assert myself, I WILL! It just sucks working so hard to be good at a job I hate just because I can't figure out what it is that I really want to do with myself. Is this what it means to be a grown up?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Cycle

There are certain people from your life, more specifically your past, which you hope never to interact with again. You grow complacent with the fact that it has been quite some time since your last encounter. Then the Universe gets bored and decides that it would be fun to mix things up. And then you run into said person while playing with your dog at the dog beach while any other NORMAL person would be at work like a good respectable adult should be. And you avoid her for as long as you can only to have her come barreling down the beach right towards you. And now there is no escape; you are trapped in dithering conversation with this awful cunt rag, so vacuous and annoying that you are actually considering faking a seizure. At one point, you think she might invite you to have lunch with her. You start bargaining things you probably shouldn’t, like your soul or first born, in exchange for being transported anywhere else. You realize she is still talking and begin to make list of things that are more fun than engaging in this conversation: licking a frozen telephone pole; attending a human sacrifice; watching paint dry; sitting through an episode of The Hills. Finally, after the 20 minutes that seemed to last an eternity, she slowly begins to meander towards the ocean where the water breaks without so much as a goodbye. And with that, the terrifying experience is over as suddenly as it started. So you vow never to be caught unaware again. But then, of course, you spot your dog chasing seagulls and its really adorable, so much so you forget to watch out for questionable people, and the whole unseemly cycle begins anew.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Money on my mind


This last week I have been taking a break from everything so I could get a good grasp on my finances. I am not hurting for money right now, but before this week I had no idea how much I had or where it was. I basically go through life writing checks and using my debit card hoping there’s something in my accounts but never really sure if there is. Getting a handle on my finances is very important to me because I don’t have a job and finding prospects for future employment is almost as likely as me getting struck by lightning or finding affordable healthcare.

The first thing I realized as I was figuring out if I had a pot to piss in was that I have way to many god dam pots! I have 8 fucking bank accounts that I use regularly and 4 accounts that haven’t seen any activity in years. I hate money, I have no idea how to manage it, and even though I minored in mathematics, figuring out how much cash I had was impossible and I ended up having to call a professional to come help me out! Lucky for me one of my closest friends is an accountant and took some time out of her busy schedule to set me straight. After 9 days of me bitching and her lecturing me for keeping such crappy records, we figured out that I am doing a lot better than I should for being a clueless moron, but I need to learn how to budget if I want it to stay that way.

Shit was consolidated, shifted and other stuff, so my money would work for me or something. After it was all done my brain hurt and I had no idea how anybody was able to do this shit without somebody like my friend doing it for them! I have never had this kind of control over my finances because I have always equated money with greed and selfishness so I would prefer to think about money as some abstract idea rather than something tangible that needs to be managed and scrutinized over. I am not being greedy or selfish by worrying about what’s in my accounts, I am being responsible. Is this what it feels like being an adult?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The good times.

I was looking over my posts while I was in Europe and I realized that I never really got to post about my most awesome days there. So I thought I would take this time to talk about them a little bit because if I don’t I feel like my overall impression of my trip would be negative WHICH IT WASN’T! Even though I do in fact HATE FRANCE and I HATE WORKING, it really didn’t affect the rest of my trip which had a lot of amazing moments.

At the very beginning of my trip I took a rental car with a friend out to Stonehenge and it was probably one of the most heinous experiences of my life! I thought the day was unsalvageable, and then we decided to go to Bath. There I enjoyed a 9pc Chicken Mcnugget meal and my surly demeanor began to melt away, because nothing puts me in a better mood than some Chicken McNuggets! As we walked the streets of Bath we noticed there were a lot of street performers singing, dancing and just acting crazy in general. It was like being at the 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica only a whole lot bigger. As we were taking this all in we happened upon this ska-ish (but not really but it’s the easiest way to define them) band. They looked to be in their late teens early 20’s and I really dug their sound! So we stood and watched awhile. That’s when they started singing Estelle’s American Boy. Over the summer EVERYBODY knew I was going to the UK, so every chance they got they would play this song! I have the entire thing memorized by heart and here was a band playing it (and it was odd seeing a bunch of heterosexual boys singing “American boy” verbatim.) I casually mentioned to my friend that they were lacking somebody to do Kanye’s part and I really wanted to jump in! So my friend drops 10 pounds into their guitar case and asks the lead singer if I could rap for them, they agree, start the song over, and I do my very first gig as a street performer right there on a cobblestone road in Bath. By the end of the song we had a pretty decent sized crowd and we got some raucous applause when we were done. We ended up meeting with the guys later and having a few pints with them at a local pub and the day turned out to be a lot more awesome than it started!

Everything about Spain was just about my favorite part of my trip in every way possible! I got a little surfing in, I hung out with some amazing friends, I ate some good food, and I met some interesting people. Nothing really stood out because it was all just so much fun that when I think about it all I can do is smile and it’s all good! Everyday was fun and everyday was different but nothing really stuck out as exceptional because it was all just way better than average on a daily basis.

What guy in their right mind wouldn’t have the time of their life at Oktoberfest!? That week was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC from beginning to end! There’s not a single moment that entire trip where I felt like the moment could be improved upon. However, the best time I had in Munich had absolutely NOTHING to do with Oktoberfest! The best time I had happened at the Eisbach which is a small stretch of the Isar! The first time I surfed this river wave was back in 03. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to be on a board and have no idea what I was doing, then BAM! The Eisbach happens and I feel like an 8 yr old grom all over again. This time around I had a little experience under my belt and I was ready to tackle this head on. Unfortunately there was a HUGE ASS line to get my chance to ride this wave and I had to wait awhile. The thing about Germans is they are probably some of the nicest most polite people on the planet. Anywhere else you would have the assholes trying to push their way up the lines to get a ride before other people or angry locals trying to bully the outsiders into leaving. Here civility is king, nobody’s acting like a territorial douche, and everyone just wants to share this awesome experience with everybody else. The only thing better than surfing this wave was watching the locals carve it up on these crazy weird fish twin-fin hybrids that I totally forgot to take a picture of! These guys are AMAZING and it’s such a unique experience that you can’t find anywhere else in the world. It was probably the best experience of my entire trip.

And now I am done talking about Europe! I am going to put all my memories in a box and stick it on a shelf to ameliorate for a few years and then go back and look at them again just because the experience was so awesome.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Trifecta of Awesomeness

What is the trifecta of awesomeness? A weekend of Brad, Incubus and Glee silly! I am a strong believer that we are all given a finite number of perfect situations in our lives so when we are old and reminiscing about them, we can recall every moment.

I have said it before, but it’s worth repeating; Incubus is the greatest band of my generation. Their musicality is in a league all their own they are innovative without being pretentious and Brandon Boyd is one of the sexiest men I have ever had the pleasure of meeting outside my dreams. He’s also an amazing singer and crazy talented song writer so that altar I keep a lock of his hair on that’s surrounded by a buttload of memorabilia is totally justified! Anyway, what Incubus has to do with the trifecta of awesomeness is I saw them at the Surfrider Gala in LA Friday night. This is where I could tell a truly embarrassing and slightly horrific story, but I have decided against it and will instead move on. Let’s just say fun was had and we left smiling.

Saturday was all about Bradley’s 21st birthday and his family celebrating it BIG TIME! They were all very happy to see me and we spent hours catching up on everything I’d missed over the last several months. There was tons of food, extremely delicious and expensive micro-brews, great music, and some awesome party games. The festivities commenced just after 1pm and we partied well into the next day with our raucous shenanigans. After sobering up around midnight we all went for a late night surf by the pier for a while and then called it a night once we’d finished. This next part is going to sound WAY GAY, so just going to throw that out there as a warning… We’d carpooled with one of Brad’s older brothers so we got to sit in the back seat together on the way home. All we did was hold hands and occasionally glance over at each other and smile, I can’t remember feeling this content in a really long time. There’s no way to say this next part like a gentleman, so I’ll be crass. The second we got home we ripped off our clothes and fucked until the sun came up. It was magical.

Then today after waking up around 2pm to the smell of an awesome breakfast being prepared by my very own nearly naked and well muscled man, I was introduced to the awesomeness that is Glee. This show makes my heart smile. I think I replayed Kristin Chenoweth singing, “Maybe this time”, like 5 times in a row. I am not really a fan of the lead choir guy Finn, because that whole awkward cute and innocent thing never really did it for me, but Puck really gets me going and that dude’s fucking HAWT! The quality of this show is above and beyond what I expect from something produced on television and I am a HUGE fan of this show as of today (or I guess yesterday since it is technically after midnight now). We spent all of Sunday on the couch snuggling and just being with each other. We laughed, a lot. We talked about nothing and we just stayed there, together, in silence, it was perfect.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

He's finally legal!

Brad’s 21st birthday party was last night and I have the hangover to prove it! I know age really isn’t anything but a number, but I finally feel like I am not robbing the cradle anymore. We went out drinking and he didn’t have to pull out his fake ID, and I didn’t have to deal with that tiny feeling of guilt for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. It was Fan-FUCKING-tastic to sit there and share a drink with my boy legally!

There’s a family dinner this weekend to make this whole birthday thing official and Brad really wants me to come. If I go then we’re really together again. Which I guess doesn’t even matter because if I am really honest with myself we were never really broken up. Still I always get tangled up in these labels and that’s exactly what I am doing here. WHATEVER! It is what it is and I am just going to deal with it like a grownup.

I am going to stay here through the weekend and then I need to find a place to live. I really hate looking for a place! All my stuff is currently at the Tyler’s back in my old room BUT I am WAY too old to be living at home with my kinda sorta parents! So the house hunt will begin IMMEDIATELY! Some of my friends are trying to pressure me into moving to the Santa Monica, but I’d rather shoot myself! I am thinking Long Beach/Seal Beach area would be perfect for me. All I know is I am definitely going to be walking distance from the ocean!

Monday, October 05, 2009

A good result

It was a simple plan. Go to the team picnic and be Bradley’s boyfriend. No big declaration of any sort, just show up and be us. That’s Brad’s style all the way, and I really admire him for it. Before we left for the event I was pretty nervous about how people were going to react. I get extremely protective over my man and if anybody acted negative towards him there was a huge chance I’d be forced to kick their ass. Especially because I am still so drained from my trip that I just wouldn’t have the energy to curb my emotions. Just before we walked out the door Brad took my arm and turned me to face him. He looked into my eyes and he told me that he was so grateful I came because he needed me and he wouldn’t be able to do this without me. There was so much emotion both in his voice and in his eyes that I almost cried, cuz I am a bitch like that.

We got to the beach and I put my game face on ready to be Mr. Awesome and the life of the party before Bradley and I started gaying things up with all our gayness. I was introduced to all the guys and their lady friends, and then we settled into a rowdy game of ultimate. After an hour or so, we were all pretty chummy and getting hungry for some food. The burgers and hotdogs were grilled and then we settled down around the fire, cue the gayness. My “Babe, can you grab me a soda” got a couple of raised eyebrows, but I think it was the kiss on the lips as a thank you that really sealed the deal. I could tell these guys were surprised, but nobody really acted like an ass or anything and things went on with only marginal awkwardness.

Everybody had a million questions and I could totally see it on their faces, but nobody wanted to be the prick who asked, so everybody just pretended that things were normal. FINALLY one of the guys made the decision to point out the big ol’ gay elephant by asking Brad how long we’ve been “together”. That kind of opened the floodgates to a 15 minute Q&A session for Brad and I getting all sorts of questions thrown at us. They were genuinely curious and by the end of the evening I was cautiously optimistic (The real shit talking and negativity isn’t going to start until they’ve all had a chance to let it sink in and then have a chance to talk about it behind Brad’s back) that things were going to work out fairly well for Bradley.

They had an informal practice this morning and from all accounts Brad thinks yesterday’s bombshell hasn’t left any damage on his reputation. Good team cohesion and communication during the scrimmages, same amount of locker room nakedness, and guys not treating him like a leper. I am really happy for him. I still think it’s a little early to be completely out of the woods with this issue. But for now this was a very positive experience for both Brad and myself and I am honored and humbled he chose me to be a part of this.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Starting over.

As I have shared a few times, Bradley and I have been spending a lot of time talking on the phone. We did it all summer long, and just cuz I went to a different continent didn’t mean we stopped talking. In fact , I can’t think of a single day this entire trip that I didn’t take at least 20 minutes to call Brad. He’s at a new school this year because he wanted to be closer to his family after what happened to his sister earlier this year. He’s been dealing with a lot getting acclimated with a new school, and a new team.

As a gay athlete there’s a lot of pressure to fit in with the guys but at the same time be respected for who you are as a man. It’s always a HUGE struggle trying to figure out if and how you are going to come out to your teammates. Brad has been struggling with the if, how, and when, since summer training back in July. Unfortunately being in this new situation really ate up his confidence and he really didn’t have the desire to add another hurdle to his ever growing list of complications fucking up his life. The problem is this isn’t Bradley! He’s not the kind of guy who can compartmentalize his life and be satisfied by his choices. For Brad it’s always been all or nothing, and so 2 weeks ago he finally came to the decision that he was going to make one BIG GRAND FUCKING statement about his sexuality and just move the fuck on. Cue RGB!

Bradley: Sup Babe?
RGB: Nada Mucho. You?
Bradley: I have this team picnic thing and I was wondering if you’d be my date…
RGB: You serious?
Bradley: You don’t have to if you don’t want to… I just wanted you there when I told them…
RGB: What are you talking about!? Of course I want to be there with you! Sorry you just caught me off guard but I REALLY REALLY REALLY do want to go with you to your picnic!
Bradley: (Mockingly) Really?
RGB: Yeah REALLY you fucking asshole!

Yesterday when I landed Brad was waiting for me at the luggage carousel. When I saw him I ran straight for him, jumped right into his arms, and wrapped my arms and legs around his upper body. I couldn’t believe that it had been 4 months since the last time I saw him. I missed EVERYTING about him! His smell, his skin, his body, his voice, his hot breath on my neck as I hugged him GOD how did I ever go a second without this man!? After about 5 minutes of making everybody in the airport extremely uncomfortable with our PDA (and seriously I don’t know what got into me because I FUCKING HATE PDA myself! I don’t even like to hold hands in public when I am with a girl because I just hate public affection!) we grabbed my luggage off the conveyor belt and then we GTFO’d.

I am not going to lie, over the last 24 hours, some sex has been had. Even with this mean case of jetlag and crazy German hangover, my penis REFUSES to take a break! Now it’s sometime past midnight and Bradley is out cold, but I can’t even close my eyes for a minute straight because I am still stuck on European time! I am not entirely sure what the plan is for tomorrow’s picnic outing (ha! See what I did there!? OUTING!? Get it!? OUTING!?), but if anybody is mean to Bradley, they are going to have to deal with me. But I am positive everything is going to be fine. Brad has always gotten a lot of respect from everybody around him because he’s the kind of man that deserves respect. Brad’s a strong guy and he only thinks that he needs me here, but really he could do this on his own and be amazing.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Back to my vacation

Okay it wasn’t the end of the world disaster I thought it was going to be. There may have even been a few occasions where I might have actually smiled and enjoyed myself. Not to say that I haven’t had to deal with a butt load of headaches and drama from the very beginning, but most of it is what’s to be expected when you take on a project so late in the game. And it was kind of exhilarating to push myself and the people around me to get the best out of the project.

My first hurdle was dealing with the crazy time constraints. The way a shoot usually works is the director sits down with the skaters and they view footage of all the spots the scouts found and choose the ones they want to skate. Then they head out to the locations and practice some things, get the lay of the land, and shoot some b-reel for outtakes or credits. Once they are satisfied they take a day or two to let it all ameliorate then they all go back and do it for-realsies! We basically had to do all that junk in 2 day intervals and at the end of that second day pack up and start it all over in a new city. My second hurdle was my French camera crew. They all spoke piss poor English and I refuse to learn French. However one guy was fluent in Spanish and the other spoke German as well as I did, so we all became a fucking cultural amalgam of languages and exasperated gesticulations.

Anyway, we finished shooting almost a week ago and I have been stuck in post editing all this crap into something awesome. I have done all I can or will do at this point and am returning to my vacation. I am in Munich waiting for my friends from Spain to arrive for Oktoberfest. Side note: German guys are hot! I am sure this goes without saying, but I am going to be incommunicado until sometime in October after I have had a decent amount of time to recover.

Monday, September 14, 2009

More France!


A few weeks ago when I first arrived in Europe it was FUCKING cold! Like New York in November cold! I hadn’t packed for cold weather because I was under the impression that it was supposed to be relatively warm in Western Europe this time of year. We all know that I am allergic to shopping and would rather get a tooth pulled then go shopping so I did what any sane person in my situation would do. I called my friend\agent and had him pull some strings and get me some warm clothes ASAP. Long story short, I got brand new winter gear the next day never considering the strings that might have been attached to such a favor.

I arrived in Spain to great weather and awesome people that I haven’t seen in years. We hung out, drank, and partied until we passed out where we stood daily. On the 3rd day of my hedonistic adventures I received a call from my ex-friend\agent calling in the favor that I owed him. Fucking hell! If I’d known that a couple of jackets and hoodies and a few pairs of pants were going to cost me 6 more days in France I’d have told him to fuck off! Hind sight is always 20\20 isn’t it!? You better believe I am making the company spend well over their budget to put me up in fancy hotels and shipping all my private equipment from the states.

So now I am miserable and working during my vacation in FUCKING France! I am still a little fuzzy on what the overall objective is but I do know the itinerary; first Paris, then Marseilles, and then we are finishing up in Cannes. This shit is going to suck. I feel like such a ridiculous spoiled brat complaining about losing 6 days from my 5 week vacation across an entire continent, but I can’t help the way I feel! I really needed this time to rest, reflect, and recover, but now I have this whole THING to deal with.

I guess if I am truly honest with myself, the thing that bugs me more than anything else is even if I hadn’t called in that favor, I would have been asked to do this anyway and theirs a huge chance I still would have done it. It makes me wonder what my integrity and self respect is actually worth to me if I am going to keep on caving in like this every time I am asked. I did say I was done with all this shit, but it never really seems to work out that way. In the end I always come back because it’s what is easy and I am really good at it. I seriously need to go back to University and learn some new skills because I am starting to get sick of hating myself for all this hypocrisy all the time.

Actually i am just venting and this is all just me being ridiculous. It should all be disregarded as me being a crazy bipolar freak in serious need of meds.It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Closed on Tuesdays...

I am not realy a big fan of France in general, so whenever I come to Paris I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I speak 4 languages, have been to 5 continents and over 20 countries; so I feel quite confident in my opinion that France is my least favorite place in the world. My traveling buddy really wanted to see all the major tourist shit ie: The Eiffel Tower, The Louvre, etc. We decided on a bus tour to catch all the odds and ends and then left Tuesday open for going to the Louvre so we could spend the ENTIRE day wandering the museum without any time constraints. For all the things I DO NOT enjoy in Paris, the Louvre is definitely not one of them.

Who knew the Louvre was closed on Tuesdays? I certainly didn’t! I stood there staring at that god awful closed sign feeling COMPLETELY defeated with the knowledge that I had to spend yet another day in this god forsaken city! I seriously felt like somebody had just punched me in the face and I wasn’t able to do anything to hide it. Seeing that I needed some serious cheering up my buddy called a guy who knew a guy and ended up turning my frown upside down with a little afternoon sesh of shredding the gnar urban jungle style!

I have been to quite a few skate parks in Paris and they mostly all suck ass! I dunno who’s fault this is, but its true and the truth hurts so back off all you French apologists! ANYWHOW, back to my point, this skate park rocked my socks. It was perfectly planned out and executed for a ride that was both challenging and fun. I had my Sector 9 with me which really just added to the whole hang 10 mood I was trying to get into to calm my nerves. Eventually the Louvre being closed turned into this happy accident that I was really pleased with. But I would just like to make it clear that I still have a very strong disdain for all things French!

I am currently waiting to get on an overnight train to Barcelona. Spain! Now that’s a country I can definitely endorse! I am all kinds of excited for my week there because Spain is just fun.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Vacation fun

Driving in England fucking sucks ass! FINE ! I can get used to driving on the wrong side of the road and shifting gears towards me instead of away from me, BUT what the shit is up with all those fucking traffic circles!? What the hell do British people have against a NORMAL GODDMAN intersection!? After two days of getting lost and almost dying in a plethora of near fatal car crashes all over the English country side, I am proud to report that I am not dead! But this has nothing to do with my proswess as a driver and everything to do with the rest of England being car ninjas with cat like reflexes and having the patience of a saint.

I am loving my traveling companion right now because of how independent he is! This trip I am feeling the need to wander the world alone and occasionally have a buddy to chat about it with. This week I am staying at a hostel while my buddy is busy hanging with friends on the other side of the city. We are meeting up at the end of the week and comparing crazy stories before we head off to our next destination and do it all over again. I just don’t have the energy to entertain my friends because I feel like that has always been my role and I am liking the solo time because it makes me feel like I don’t always have to put on a show.

Walking into my room at this hostel felt like stepping onto the set of a softcore porn shoot! As I opened the door all I saw was a flurry of naked men as they ran around the room snapping each other with their towels. Seeing me walk in did not deter them from their raucous nakedness and they kind of waved me off as they kept at it. Usually I would have just laughed this off and continued with what I was doing. However me not having had sex since June has made me a little bit of a horndog. So I kind of just stood there with a growing erection as these fit guys chased each other around the room. Once things settled down we were able to get the introductions out of the way and we ended up having a pretty decent time hanging out and having fun.

For some reason I am having the worst jetlag of my entire life. I have yet to recover from my flight and I haven’t been able to get a single night’s rest. Most days I end up taking a late afternoon nap and fucking up my sleep cycle all over again! I am extremely agitated and grumpy from not being able to acclimate myself as quickly as I normally do. I think this is the first sign of old age. Speaking of age, I have been carded at every bar I have been to in London the last 5 days! What the shit is up with that!? The drinking age is 18 and I at least look 18 if not older. But EVERY SINGLE TIME I ORDER A BEER, they want to see my ID! Seriously, its kind of embarrassing that at 23 I still can’t pass as a legal drinker in a country where 14 year olds walk into stores and purchase alcohol with no drama.

Nothing I have done on my “vacation” so far has been relaxing. This next part of my vacation should do wonders for settling my nerves. Its going to be all beaches, surfing, and lounging until I am so relaxed that I start to forget that stress even exists. Then and only then will I begin to tackle the big issues and life drama that I have been putting off all summer.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

a little rambling

So much has happened these last couple months that I don't even know where to begin! Despite the fact that it all started off kinds of awful, I really did have an exceptional summer. Splitting my time between two very different camps really gave me the opportunity to challenge myself both physically and creatively in a way that I really haven’t ever done before. The people I worked with were amazing and the kids at the camps were exceptional. It felt like everything was planned out ahead of time to assure I was able to enjoy myself as much as possible with as little stress as possible. Everything just flowed so perfectly into everything else that I never really felt like I was working.

This isn’t to say that my summer went off without any glitches or hiccups, FAR FROM IT! I had my fill of faulty equipment and camp shenanigans gone wrong, but overall I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe I would change that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I noticed that even the kids that went to the colleges I was staying at seemed to look like babies to me and it was because I was getting older and not that they were getting younger. ARGH! There’s still just WAY too much to say and I am having a hard time figuring out what to write because of it, so I am just going to list some favorites.

My favorite moment at camp was during the last week of camp. I usually get really hungry around midnight and NEED to eat a cheeseburger before I fall into a coma from starvation! So midnight In&Out runs weren’t uncommon for me and the select few campers that were wise enough to stay awake after lights out. One night at In&Out my campers and I were enjoying a delicious round of cheeseburgers and shakes when I accidentally drop my shake on the table. When anybody else on the planet, but myself, drops a milkshake it tips over and spills all over the table. Unfortunately I just don’t have that kind of luck! So when my milkshake it the table it landed perfectly flat, then the top shot up into the air as the contents of my shake flew through the air, between the heads of my campers sitting opposite me, and landed on this big fat ANGRY gangster black man sitting behind us. This dude was everything a stereotypical black man could be, complete with a basketball jersey, shaved head, 3 HUGE chain necklaces, and a Bluetooth in his ear. The sight of him with my dripping milkshake seeping down his face onto his jersey, Bluetooth, etc. was quite possibly the funniest thing I had ever seen, so I do what I do best and started LAUGHING! I was laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop even though my brain was screaming that if I didn’t there was a chance I was about to get my butt kicked. In between fits of laughter I did my best to choke out an apology, but somehow my laughter made it seem somewhat insincere. Long story short, the guy slapped my hand away as I tried to hand him some napkins and then had a few choice expletives for me before storming out of the restaurant as I was still laughing.

My favorite camper was a camper from the action sports film camp, Kelly. He was seriously one of the best skateboarders I have ever met and also an extremely talented boy ballerina (ballerino??). Not only did he have a great eye for setting up some awesome shots, but he was funny and smart and we spent a lot of time joking around and having fun. Kelly was there for my first 2 weeks back to camp after my incident and he never knew it, but just by being himself he really made my days sooo much better. This dude is going to make an awesome grownup.

My favorite song of the summer is GRUDGINGLY Slightly Stoopid’s 2am. After our midnight cheeseburger runs, and before we all went to bed, we would stay up playing Texas Hold’em and listening to music on my ipod. I let the kids pick the music just as long as the music came from my ipod and EVERY NIGHT at either camp, the number one song was ALWAYS 2am. It was oddly suited for our nightly rituals but at the same time it got old fast! However even though I am sick of hearing this song, I can’t help but smile from all the good memories I have while listening to it.



My favorite person of the summer was definitely Bradley. He was there holding my hand through all the hard parts. He’s the most caring and unselfish guy I have ever known and as much as it’s annoying being around a person like him, I can’t help but love him anyway.

I am leaving on a jet plane in a couple hours for a much needed vacation across the pond. I have a lot to figure out when I get back from my trip and I kind of want to do my best to put it off as long as possible. I guess that all I want to say right now, even though there’s still a lot more I want to get off my chest. These next few weeks will definitely give me plenty of time to get it all out, so let’s see how I decide to use it…

Thursday, August 20, 2009

One more week!

It’s no secret this summer kicked off with all kinds of personal drama for me. This summer was supposed to be all about me escaping all my problems and existing in this tiny microcosm where things like failed relationships and shitty parents aren’t included in my life story. Then this kid gets shot right before my eyes and all of a sudden I find myself unable to compartmentalize my drama like I normally do. The first week after it happened I slept a grand total of 9 hours. The following week I was in this crazy manic state where I just worked myself into the ground. The third week I drank a whole lot of alcohol and made ridiculously inappropriate jokes about the shooting to try and cover up the fact that I was still freaking out about it. By the fourth week I was finding any excuse I could to be alone where I spent WAY too much time crying uncontrollably where nobody could see or hear me. After that I finally started to deal and things actually got better for me.

Last week was my last week with both of the camps I work for. I was planning on taking these last few weeks of August and sleeping. I am crazy exhausted from all the work I have been doing and traveling that was a part of my job. Unfortunately I don’t know how to say no to people and an old friend called me up to BEG that I come work for his camp for the last two weeks of summer. This is a special session here at camp for children that are struggling with health issues. The kids are awesome and being here and knowing how much I have to contribute makes me feel really good about myself and extremely happy for these kids and the experience they are getting.

At the beginning of June I had no idea my summer was going to be so crazy and take so much out of me. I haven’t really had time to reflect on everything that has happened to me or how I feel about all of it, but I think things have turned out as well as they possibly could all things considered. At least the nightmares are gone and I don’t wake up in a cold sweat crying hysterically anymore, cuz that really sucked! I have another week here at this camp, then I come home for a week. This is going to give me just enough time to do my laundry and pack for my big relaxing get away trip! I will be gone for a few weeks and I am planning on staying away from all the evils of man i.e. cell phones, computers, guys, and your mom. I’ll try to get in a few posts before I leave.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Summer rush

I’ve been busy. VERY BUSY. Surfing, skateboarding, getting in food fights and hanging out with my buddies hasn’t left me with a lot of time to blog about it. I don’t really have much to say except I am loving life and enjoying my complete lack of free time and personal space. It does a man some good to leave all that introspective reflection behind and just live. I hope everybody else is having just as much fun as I am. I am about to start the second half of my summer adventures skateboarding and such. Check back in a month and I will do my best to write something WAY more interesting!

Monday, July 06, 2009

I like to walk around in circles.

Bradley and I have been spending ridiculous hours on the phone with each other lately. He was really there for me when I needed him and he reminded me how much I missed and needed him. I have been spending a lot of time with him in a nonsexual context and I think he and I could be amazing friends if he stopped looking so fucking irresistible to me.

I am working 12 to 14 hour days so I don't have a lot of time to dwell on this, but our relationship is all kinds of fucked up and confusing right now! We have moved passed the fucking and fighting and I am starting to feel a connection with him in a deeper way that I haven't felt with him in a very long time. We aren't going to jump back into a relationship because I still feel very strongly about the reasons we broke up. He needs his own life away from me. I am done being the guy that holds him back from fully experiencing everything that being in college has to offer.

Obviously Bradley and I have a strong connection and a deep bond. We started a relationship the summer before his freshmen year in college and despite all the craziness of him being a varsity athlete and me being a pseudo celebrity diva we spent the better part of 2 years making each other happy. I have no doubt that we could jump right back into our relationship and regard the last 4 months as indigestion, but I just don't ever want Bradley to look back and think, what if!?

I have had my chance to see the world and experience many different people. Why shouldn't Brad get the same chances I did?

Monday, June 29, 2009

It's been awhile...


A couple weeks ago (But for some reason it feels more like a month) I had to deal with the most difficult experience of my adult life. It completely drained me both physically and emotionally but I had to keep going because crumbling into the fetal position and crying wasn’t an option. I did my best to help out but unfortunately this time my best wasn’t enough.

I am not at all squeamish when it comes to injuries. I have my Lifeguard EMS certification and I have worked at sports camps my whole life. I have seen broken bones, bloody gashes and a plethora of other injuries all in a day’s work. But this was different because of the intent behind the injuries. This was different because I had never been in a scenario where helping this person meant putting myself in danger. Okay that’s not true! I have put myself in danger to help others plenty of times, but I have never been scared to help somebody like I was this time. Total it was probably only about 3-5 minutes of me taking charge of the situation, but by the time the police showed up and they let the fire fighters in then finally the paramedics, I was completely drained.

It’s really hard for me to accept any type of emotional comfort from people because I always work so hard to make sure that everybody thinks I don’t need it. So whenever things get to the point where I can’t hide the fact that I need a hug I am so embarrassed that I could crawl into a hole and die. I tell myself and anybody that will listen that I would much rather sit in the dark and cry myself to sleep than have somebody hover over me and try to console me while I am inconsolable, but after these last few difficult days I am starting to realize this just isn’t true.

I don’t know how I ended up with so many amazing people in my life. Taking care of me is no easy task. I am a grouchy angry bastard and I hate it when people see me at my most vulnerable so when they do I can sometimes be a little bitch about it. I yelled at them, I kicked them out multiple times and I basically treated them like crap, but they all kept coming back for more. They made sure to be there to wipe away every tear or just hold me when words failed.

After it happened I was surprised by how much the whole experience affected me. I couldn’t go 5 minutes without completely falling apart. But my friends stuck to me like glue and they made sure I had everything I needed to get through this. Two weeks later and now I am shocked by how much this doesn’t affect me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still dealing and it’s still pretty difficult but I actually smile and joke around now and I am not doing it just to put on a show.

All this craziness really took the wind out of my sail and it seriously messed up my tight summer schedule. I have had to move a million things around to accommodate my little breakdown and I am going to spend the next 2 months paying for it! Lucky for me I love what I do and I honestly feel like this summer is exactly what I need to finish all that mental healing. I have never had to hold somebody as they took their last breath and I hope to never do so again, but I am glad I was there for him as much as I could be. Let’s all just hope this hasn’t fucked me up anymore than I already was.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Weekend hook up

What I want is to be needed.
What I need is to be indispensable to somebody.
Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention.
Somebody addicted to me.
A mutual addiction.

— Chuck Palahniuk


Brad took his last final Thursday morning and was in my bed that very evening. We really need to stop doing this to each other. I am going to be a fucking train wreck for days! Lucky none of my new coworkers have known me long enough to see through my plastic smile and fake plastic personality I strap on whenever I don’t feel like dealing with things. That one takes years to figure out and is more complicated to read than the Da Vinci code.

As always my time with Bradley passed way too quickly and in the end it wasn’t the most pleasant of farewells. I’ve had worse, but I have also had much much better. It just pisses me off how after all this shit, just seeing brad makes me melt. Still I kind of feel like this cycle of self destruction and mind blowing pleasure is coming to an end. He’s changing so much so fast it’s scary. It’s only a matter of time before he won’t even be the Brad I spent the last couple years of my life with. And that’s a good thing! It really feels like both of us are getting to a point where we are almost ready to move on.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

West Coast living!

Since arriving in San Jose on Sunday night I have not stopped having fun! My friends from Santa Cruz picked my up from the airport and from there I proceeded to drink so much alcohol that my kidneys actually began hurting! Yesterday I met up with a few of the guys that were going to be taking on this CRAZY summer project with me and after figuring out they were just as hung over as I was, we went for a couple of $9 pitchers of margaritas and plenty of greasy foods. Right off the bat I recognized two of the guys as relatively successful men in the surfing community, and I am immediately aware that this is going to be one of the greatest summers of my life!

I am staying in Santa Cruz with my buddies while all the other guys are staying around San Jose with the housing the company is providing, so I invited all the guys down to SC for some fun in the sun and the ocean. Unfortunately this is NorCal and apparently God hates it here because it’s always gloomy and cold. So this morning I went to a surf shop for a new wetsuit because my fat ass couldn’t fit into my old one no matter how much you greased me up beforehand! Then I met up with all my new buds at the beach.

This was a great opportunity to really get an idea of what each of us brought to the table. Along with our surfboards we brought some cameras to get some footage and stills for our sample projects and talk about how we planned on attacking this summer. I am so impressed with my team I could cry! What I like about the organization I am working for is they only hire business professionals to lead all their workshops and I really like how they went the extra mile to find all these guys for me. First and foremost these guys are surfers, which is probably the most crucial part of this job, but they are also cinematographers, editors, and camp counselors. Trust me when I tell you how hard it is to find people that have all these crucial skills!

I am so psyched to start this summer I can’t even explain it! Two weeks of training and prep work and planning (days almost identical to today), and then the real fun beings!

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Goodbye NYC!

Usually when I leave NYC I get to say, “Until next time…” but not this time. This time it is goodbye. I was supposed to sleep in a hotel tonight and fly out to San Jose tomorrow afternoon to begin prepping for the camp I will be running. However I am pretty much dealing with the worst case of insomnia EVER! Maybe it’s all the left of adrenaline from all the crazy things I had to do for the wedding today, but I think it’s more because I am finally understanding that this is all really happening. The last of my belongings were shipped back to LA this morning and now the apartment is as empty as (according to some people who have been emailing and commenting lately) my brain, my heart, and my personality.

Right now, sitting here in my empty living room in the dark, if I close my eyes I can pretend that everything is as it was and nothing is about to change. This apartment and I have been through a lot together. Not even a month after moving in 9/11 happened. I was 2 months shy of being 16 and all alone in a city that felt like it was at the dawn of an apocalypse that was an awful day to be a downtown resident. After some time a few building inspectors, a few major repairs and some renovations I moved back into my apartment but this time feeling like a piece of myself went into making it my home.

For 9 years this little apartment in Battery Park has been my sanctuary. A place that I never had to share with anybody and I always knew it was there for me if I needed it. I can’t believe this is all coming to an end. I didn’t believe it as I was saying goodbye to all my coworkers and friends I have been with for the last 9 years at the runaway shelter. It didn’t feel real as I said my farewells to my teachers and my buddies at the martial arts gym. It definitely was extremely surreal to meet the potential owners of my new apartment. But nothing really hit me like it does right now looking around at my empty home and hearing how even the slightest noise echoes through this shell.

I know it’s not like I am never going to come back to NYC, but when I do it won’t be like it is now. NYC will never be the same again because I have no place here to call my own. I keep on trying to tell myself that maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I have gotten to used to running away to my “other life” in NYC whenever things get too difficult for me at home. I did it after I broke up with Eddie, I did it after I first started dealing with my homosexuality and most recently I did it again after I broke it off with Bradley. Not all 23 year olds have a little getaway in a sprawling metropolis they can pop in on whenever they feel like it, so maybe it’s time I start seeing how the rest of the world copes.

It’s 3:30 am and I have been up since 5 am the previous day doing all sorts of wedding activities a man of honor is supposed to do. I am not starting to feel the exhaustion that a wedding can create and my eyes are starting to feel very heavy. I am going to lay out on this window bench I built with my own 2 hands and spend my last night in NYC here in my home for 1 final time. If these walls could talk…

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Swirlie time BITCH!

***** Hey guy who's reading this post 5 times a day. What's the deal!? You're starting to freak me out. Wanna talk about it or something?*****



The verdict is in, I AM AN ASSHOLE! But it’s okay because nobody’s really surprised by that fact.

On Tuesday afternoon and I am EXHAUSTED after a crazy weekend flying cross country YET AGAIN for a HS graduation and an impromptu party at the beach. I am sitting at a Starbucks with a couple of my friends and some of their friends and we are just having a nice relaxing time in our own headspace as we sip lattes and make small talk. During all this small talk I pick up my laptop and go online because I remember that I hadn’t had a chance to look at Post Secrets yet and I am ADDICTED to it like WHOA! Then I came upon this postcard…

This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine! Whenever I hear this ridiculous stereotype on television, the movies, or in real life, I kind of want to vomit! I mean seriously, HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER! If you really don’t care, and never wanted to be part of the cool crowd anyway, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT IT!? Does it make all those screenwriters feel better knowing they got the last word by writing allegorical pseudo-biographies about outcasts outshining the cool kids in the end? The problem with believing what you see on TV all the time is that it’s not actually REAL! The losers in HS turn out to be the very same losers in college, and then they join the adult world never really learning the social skills to be anything else but what they are, because they spent too many years being bitter about not being cool! Like I said, it annoyed me but after a brief pause and a sigh of frustration I was ready to move on but then one of the guys at my table had to open his big mouth!

Guy: That one is so true! The cool kids in HS are all vapid losers, it’s like the only constant in this crazy mixed up world! The great karmic equalizer is that they all peaked at 17 and will spend the rest of their lives knowing their best days are behind them.

FLABERGASTED, I take a moment to really absorb what this guy is saying to me. As a former “HS cool kid” I took offense to this bullshit! I briefly considered putting him in a headlock and dragging him to the bathroom so I could dunk his head in the toilet and flush. I am sure that would have brought back some fond memories! But I don’t because I am a big boy now and big boys use their words.

RGB: That’s the biggest cliché in the book! And what’s worse is it’s not even remotely true! Face facts, when the popular kids grow up they are the ones running the world. Adults identify and elevate the assertive, charming, and personable guys in the real world just like the teenagers do in high school. You like clichés so much chew on this one, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” It’s not just the losers that get to grow up and become fully realized 3 dimensional human beings with thoughts feelings and desires, its EVERYBDOY! Just because nobody wanted to sit next to you at lunch in 10th grade doesn’t mean you have some special insight into the human psyche! Get over yourself and move the fuck on!

That was basically just a small excerpt of what I said to that poor poor guy! I am pretty sure I made him cry. I usually have a sense of humor about these things. Most of the time I laugh it off and I don’t even think about saying anything back. I think my angry tangent was based more on me being tired and stressed than on me being truly angry with what was actually said. It’s just at that moment I was sick and tired of being thought of as a joke because I was well liked as a teenager.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Overwhelmed...

This week has been insane. A lot of different things have required my full attention at the same time and because of that nothing been getting done properly. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and I am about 5 seconds from imploding under all this crazy pressure, self-imposed or otherwise!

So what’s weighing me down? I don’t even know where to begin! My duties as man of honor have seriously intensified in the final week of planning, I am currently packing up my apartment never to see it again, pre-camp prep has begun, Tyler and I are not getting along (its all my fault!), and my current job has seen a HUGE jump in clients these past couple weeks and I barely even have time to breath at work anymore! There are probably one or two of those grievances I listed above that you guys are going to want me to dwell on, but that’s probably not going to happen. So let’s move on!

Sleep may be a key problem in my failure to function with any efficiency lately. For some reason I just haven’t been able to do it! It doesn’t seem to matter how active I am or how early\late I choose to go to sleep, I can’t seem to stay asleep for more than 5 hours! I feel like a zombie all the time and I am constantly yawning or wearing sunglasses to hide the dark circles under my eyes! I have decided that this is all due to my ridiculously high stress level from the billion things I need to get done in the next two weeks and that awful feeling that not everything is going to get done.

I sound like such a whiny bitch right now that I kind of want to kick my own ass! The worst part of this whole situation is I could probably improve my circumstances tremendously just by swallowing my pride and talking about what’s going on in my head with the people in my life. But for some reason I am finding it impossible to admit to anybody in real life that I am drowning and I really need somebody to jump in and save me! Shit I am starting to make myself cry now so I am going to go and do something else now.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Guys suck!



I am frustrated and angry and just soo AHHHH!!!! I got in a huge fight with Kevin this afternoon after we sat down to a late lunch about our “relationship”. He made me feel like such a heartless prick, but I was completely upfront at the beginning with what we were doing! I get that there’s no such thing as sex with no strings if you keep on hooking up with the same person over and over, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there was some SMALL part of me that wants to be more than friends with Kevin. But what it comes right down to is that I still feel like I belong to Bradley and I am not ready to move on yet. I DON’T WANT ANOTHER BOYFRIEND! Not only am I going home in a couple weeks, but there are sooo many other reasons why this would NEVER happen from him being older than my dad to his incessant cattiness that drives me crazy! Don’t get me wrong, effeminate guys are great as friends, but if I wanted to deal with all that passive aggressive bitchiness I’d get a girlfriend! Umm no offense to the daintier gays, they smell better, dress nicer, and are better groomed than I have ever been in my life, it’s just not by thing…

Saturday, May 16, 2009

SICK!

Where to begin… Well I guess first of I would like to start with me being SICK! It fucking sucks and I know exactly what lead to the circumstances of me feeling like shit. See what happened was Kevin thought it would be fun to head up to Rhode Island and I decided, why the hell not! We were staying at a coworker of Kevin’s massive-assive house. And in the Parlor was a hollow wood board! It was fucking gorgeous! Hands down total surfboard porn. I didn’t recognize the board design but I could tell it was built for local conditions and I was aching to go out there and shred! So I did, and it was glorious. I’ve never been on a wooden board before and I was surprised by how well it handled. I thought the weight of the board was going to slow me down, but it was surprisingly springy and fast. Anyway, it was a good day. I was smiling from ear to ear the rest of the day. Sometimes a boy just needs to ride a wave, crappy conditions, and cold ass water be damned!

Kevin has been starting to act like my boyfriend lately and it’s starting to freak me out. I am leaving NYC in less than a month and I am not coming back any time soon I am really hoping he doesn’t think I would change my mind for him… I am really worried about how to approach this topic with him because I really like spending time with him, I just don’t want him to start getting some unrealistic expectations about what’s going on here. I was completely upfront in the beginning and I sincerely hope that he’s not thinking about changing the terms of our arrangement because that would make things uncomfortable.

In less emotionally awkward (but way more socially awkward) news I have seen Star Trek 3 times since it’s come out in Theaters! I am a HUGE trekkie like any self respecting guy with a B.S.E. degree, so of course I saw it at midnight in IMAX on Thursday. It was un-buttfucking-believable how awesome that movie was! I heart John Cho so much and after seeing this movie I heart him even more! It’s not like I went into last weekend with the intent of seeing this movie 3 times, but it was so awesome that when a friend called me Saturday inviting me to go see Star Trek with him I couldn’t say no! The second time around I was really able to take in how visually stunning the whole movie was. Those massive space scenes and gorgeous lens flares were works of genius! Mad props to ILM for their insane artistry because they totally outdid themselves with the VFX, a small part of me wants to work for them sooo badly it almost makes me wish I had some kind of work ethic to make that dream come true. The third time I saw Star Trek was to educate a heathen. We were having a casual conversation when it turned to movies and I told her that Star Trek was probably the most awesome movie I have seen in months. Then she said, and I quote, “I fell asleep during a lot of those star trek movies, I just like that R2D2 robot”. After taking a moment to fully comprehend what she had said to me, we went directly to the movies so she could learn the error of her ways. Which she did and once again all was right with the universe.

Being home SICK on a Saturday is, THE SUCK! The highlight of my afternoon has been reading the negative reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and then clicking on the comments and reading all the crazy Trek fans ripping the reviewers a new one! It’s really funny how angry these people are about the 5% of people who didn’t find this movie to be their cup of tea. Besides that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, this is going to be a really long night.