Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Its a peace dove!

Right now I can not even express how annoyed I am with all things Christian!! Last night my mother forced me to go to her Christian leaders meeting. I am ashamed to say that I used to be a huge part of this evil organization that represents most of southern California. I got angry almost the second that I walked in. Ever sine I have actually become open to being gay, my blinders have come off to all the things of the world that I once ignored. This includes all of the hateful things that have been said by the self righteous Christian right!
There was only one topic on everyone's mind last night, and apparently it was carried over from the meeting last week! This was how they are preparing a protest of the proposition that is due to be voted on in the California state assembly. They knew that they couldn't stop the passing of the bill, but they could bring lots of negative press to the situation and still have something done about this before it could actually take an effect in our state. Any other day, I would have just sat there with my mouth shut, but everybody kept on engaging me and asking me what I thought about this whole situation and what I think should be done about it. So I finally gave them a piece of my mind! I actually wrote my midterm research essay on this proposition for Human Sexuality, because this will directly affect the mental and social development of both gay and straight teens.
For those of you who don't know, CA state senate just passed a proposition that would make it mandatory for schools to teach GLBT history. On the surface it doesn't seem like much, but there is a huge ripple effect from teens that are learning about this part of history. There is a huge increase in tolerance, and respect for teens that once felt like they were outcasts. GLBT teens feel safer in school, and the teen suicide rate drops dramatically! This is because over 80% of teen suicides are because of "sexual confusion." Once a gay teen decides to come out to someone, that statistic drops almost all the way down to nothing. This bill gives teens the outlet to feel safe about getting these issues off of their chest.
I am emphatically for this proposition, and once they asked me for my opinion I stated as much. I basically told them everything that I put in the previous paragraph, plus more. In the end, someone else said that I should also think about the evil of letting a proposition like this pass, and not do anything about it. Maybe in the short term, these kids will not be harassed, but we only do this by lying to our youth by leading them to believe that this is ok with the lord. He went on babbling, but I basically realized that he didn't really hear what I had to say, so I shouldn't have to try and listen to his bullshit either!
Some how because my mother and Rick Warren are on a first name basis, she is the ultimate authority on all things Christian. I think that she forgot that I know him also, and I was the guy who introduced her to that stupid purpose driven life book first! My mom got up and spewed out some more bullshit. At this point I just wanted to stand up and say, "Guess what everybody! I am a HUGE HOMO!! Last night I spent the evening with this guy and we SPOONED ALL NIGHT LONG!!" The only thing going through my head was that all of these people were ignorant and I wanted to shock them and make them feel stupid for saying such things. Except I didn't say that, probably because I am coward, but also because I knew that it wouldn't make a difference. I would just become another lost soul to them that needed to be prayed for, on my long fall to hell.
Instead I walked out of the meeting, and as I did, I could hear them all whispering about me. They were already judging me and they had no idea what was actually going on in my head! I walked almost a mile before I felt like it was safe enough to stop and call for a ride. I called Eddie, and lucky for me he had just gotten out of a movie and he came right over to pick me up. We went to the beach and we sat in the sand and I told him what happened. I had a good cry, and I am not entirely sure why I was crying, but it felt really good to have him hold me. When I was done we went back to his place and I spent the night. I felt kind of selfish, because everything seems to be about me ever since we started hanging out with each other. So this morning I made him breakfast, mostly because I could not sleep, but also because he deserved it. He is such an awesome guy!
Because of my insomnia, I have been up since 4am. This gave me a lot of free time, Eddie is an artist also, with an AWESOME wacom tablet! Okay let me rephrase that, Eddie is an artist, and I am an art enthusiast. The stuff that he creates blows my mind! That guy is the most creative man that I have ever met! So anyway, I used his wacom tablet and I made a pretty picture! It started off as the peace dove, but then it turned into something else because I was still quite annoyed. I am not sure what I was going for here, but I am pretty satisfied with whatever it is. Its all angsty and what not! Well maybe its not angst as much as it is pure rage and frusturation, but I like the word, "angst" a lot.

17 comments:

David Garrett said...

The thing to realize about Christianity is how it was brought into this country... even how it was spread across the world. Anyone who resisted was killed. So should we be surprised at the evils of it?

Nathan said...

I don't know what to tell you man. It seems like you really need to deal with this problem before it drives you nuts. Even if you don't tell your mother that you are gay, you need to stand up for yourself. Do not let her tell you waht to do or how to act. You have made a decision that she is not aware of and becuase of that decision, your whole relationship is changing and she is probably very confused about why. Be strong and let her know that you have been doing some soul searchng and you aren't the same person that you once were!Just so that she understands that you guys might have some clashing views that weren't there before. I just say this, becuase it seems like your relationship is getting really strainned with your mother, and you might just want to give her a chane efore you cut her off completely. I am sorry if this sounds like I am attacking you ar something, becuase I am not. I just wanted to remind you that your mother isn't a mind reader, and she won't understand what happned to her son unless you let her in.

Charles said...

Haha! I love the word "angst" also! You are a funny dude. I love the way that you can find humor in everything, even when you are furious with your mother and so stressed out that you can not sleep. I want to be you when I grow up! Unfortuanately I am alsmot 10 years older than you... Keep smiling, and don't sell yourself short, you are a pretty decent artist yourself. It seems like you put a lot of your personality in the things that you have made and posted.

Asher said...

I think that your problem is that the more comfortale you get with being gay, the more polarized your life will become, because you aren't openly gay. You live in a very unfrienly gay environment, and as long as you are not willing to share that with the people in your life, you are going to continue to resent them. I agree with Nathan that you should give your mother a chance, even if she doesn't accept you for who you are, atleast you will have an actual reason to hate her. I don't want to rush you or anything I just want to point out that as long as you don't say anything to your mother you should not get so angry with her fo saying and doing the things that she does.

Josh said...

I dig your dove! Its really crazy, I have never seen anything like this before. You have definitely topped yourself with this picture its way better than your snow white! Which was also pretty freakin kewl! I am sorry that your mother's religous life is stressing you out so much, family can really be a pain in the ass. But atleast you have this new incredible guy in your life to help you out when things get tough. He sounds like a great person.

kiel said...

First of all, I love that dove! I feel your "angst"! I also think that you are an artist. And I think that you are a very good one at that. You definitely have your own style, and you put a lot of yourself into the things that you choose to make. I don't doubt that your Eddie is an amazing artist, but you have to realize that so are you. Keep it up, I love checking out the things that you have done.
And secondly I want to talk about the situation between you and your mom. On one hand I agree with what all the people are saying when they tell you that you need to give your mother a chance if you are going to be this angry with her. On the other hand, I completely understand why you feel that you should not give her the chance to know who you really are. But what it comes down to is what do you feel your mother is capable of hearing and accepting? Deep down you have a really good idea of how she is going to react, and that is all that you have to gague what your next step is. Trust yourself, and go with your instinct. But if you choose not to tell her, also understand that whatever she says to you needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Because she does not really know you, and its not her fault that sshe has never been given the chance to fully do so.

Parker said...

I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. It must be such a strange istuation to be in. You grew up with homosexuallity and then all of a sudden when you figure out that you are gay, your mom turns into a person who hates the gay community!? That is some awful timing. I hope that you can find a way to be at peace with the decisions that you make in your life, because you deserve to be happy. I know that you don't want to disapoint your mom, that is partially the reason why you don't come out to her, but you also have to think about yourself. You are letting her slowly destroy you emotionally, and she has no idea. I am not entirely sure what you need to do, but you need to do something becuase living a life where you are always bitter isn't any way to live at all.

Bob said...

Are those lifesavers in your heading?? That's kind of neat! I also like your Dove, that eye is creeping me out. You would think that all the blood would be creeping me out, but actually just that huge mutant eyeball! hahaha! Just thought that I would share that with you...

Marc said...

It took me awhile to figure out that the picture you posted was a dove! I guess that I was just looking at it wrong, but I just could not imagine somebody doing that to such a beautiful bird! But I see it now, and I think that its quite fitting for the evening that you have had. I actually like it a lot now that I have given it a second look. I don't really like the life saver though... I think that you can do better.

Riley said...

Christians are fake and live in an imaginary world where there are unicorns and Narnia. I get your plight. And I feel bad that you have to deal with such rediculousness. But I also agree with what a lot of the people who have commented before me have said. You can't really be mad at your mom until you give her a chance, even if you think you know what her answer would be, you still need to give her the chance to prove what kind of person she is. You never know, and she might surprise you.

Anonymous said...

Are they really going to make young kids learn about the gays in school now!? That is rediculous! We already know that you guys are invading every facet of society and now we have to learn about it in our classrooms!? I am not okay with this! I think that we already make enough exceptions fo ryou people!

Frank said...

Nice dove! I don't think that PETA would approve of a mutant bloody bird. That anonymous guy is a total douche! Peopel like that are stupid and don't deserve out time.

Greg said...

It looks like you and Eddie are getting pretty close. That must make you feel very good. That bird you made was quite gruesome! I did not see a bird until I finished the post and read at the bottome that it was in fact a bird. You deffinitely know how to draw. I don't know what Eddie is capable of, but I do know that you are pretty decent at being an artist also.

Travis said...

I love your pictures, they could totally be on shirts beucase I would wear your stuff! haha! I jsut think that they are creatve and colorful enough to go with a majority of my casual wear. Sorry I don't know where that came from, but I refuse to press the delete button! There is just no need for it! I also wanted to let you know that I love your writing style, and I dig your new header, it definitely looks like you rushed through it, but its still kewl.

Dean said...

It sounds like you totally have a boyfriend now! That is so cute! I love it when I am in a relationship. Everything become a lot easier to deal with. You are an awesome guy and I love how you deal with things. Its soo productive! You draw pictures and you write blogs, and you go surfing! When I get depressed I watch TV or sleep. You are making me feel kind of lazy actually. Wow maybe I don't like you so much anymroe! What do you think that you are better than me or something!?

Terry said...

Damn it to hell, Eric!!! What is *wrong* with these so called "Christians"??? You already know how I feel about people saying things because they read one verse somewhere -- I doubt that they read it... they heard it from some other idiot.

Ok, guy! Here's the deal. Tell dear ol' mom that, from now on, you want to go to a church that teaches the Bible word by word, line by line, verse by verse, and chapter by chapter. Tell her of your disgust for these "one-verse Charlies" at your current church!

Eric. You are over the age of consent. You... are a man. You are capable of making choices and decisions on your own. Please. Believe me. Your faith will be slowly (well... maybe not so slowly) and deliberately eroded unless you go to a church that teaches God's word and not the word of these namby pamby spineless wonders who profess Christianity!

Ok. A little too strong there, Terry. Eric is 20 or 21. He's going to school. He lives at home. Crossing mom at this point could lead to some heavy head-butting. So? Obviously mom is wanting you to have a good Christian upbringing, right? Tell her that *that* is exactly what you want! (i.e. a *good* Christian upbringing.) And, continuing, that you want to go to a church that teaches the word of God not *the word of man*! Then... look around. I'm sure you'll find a "home." [I'm not going to make a suggestion (at least not at this time). I don't think you want to hear me harp on the vast majority of churches who, excuse me, fuck it up and make sure-fire Christians question themselves and their beliefs!]

Enough, Terry!!!!

Thanks for the drawing -- cute little white bear (it is a bear isn't it?) below the ravenous dove.... *and* for mentioning that it was done with a "Wacom Tablet." I've already checked it out on Amazon.com and I'm stoked with it! -- Where's my credit card??

Lastly, the Senate Bill that you referred to was proposed by Senator Sheila Kuehl (D-Santa Monica). Sheila is a lez who has, for a long time, spearheaded legislation to make life a little easier on gays. [For the older guys reading this, Sheila was Dobie's girlfriend on The Dobie Gillis Show in the 60's.]

For more on the CA Senate bill, Google "SB1437 The Bias Free Curriculum Act" and find www.gsanetwork.org/qyad/SB1437Q&A.doc

Also, you might want to read the full article on http://www.eqca.org (Equality California) about Governor Schwarzenegger announcing he will veto the bill. [*That* sucks!]

I'm sorry you're have such pure "rage and frustration" a.k.a. "angst" in your life. With your other faithful readers, I wish you well with the decisions you are going to be making. Please don't ruin your relation with your mom by blowing up and letting it all out. You're an intelligent guy.... use that intelligence!

Sorry I'm so verbose! It's a bad habit I picked up.

Ralph said...

You rock my socks dude!