Monday, April 16, 2012

The condom rule...

When Brad and I first got together he was just about to begin his freshman year in college. As somebody who has experienced university living, and all that entails, I wanted to be realistic with my expectations of our relationship. So one day I clumsily stuttered and umm’d my way through one of the most awkward and insincere conversations of my entire life. I didn’t know how to tell Bradley that the idea of him with another man would be enough to knock the wind out of me for a week, so instead I instituted the condom rule.

Instead of saying, “hey, I like you and I only want to be with JUST YOU!” I said, “I like having sex without condoms, but I don’t want an STD. Let’s stay monogamous so we can nix the condoms! But if one of us slips up, no biggie. We will just get tested, use condoms for 6 months, and then get retested, and then go back to life as normal.” It was total BS and now looking back on this I am ashamed of how disrespectful and childish I was to Bradley and our relationship.

In the 5 years Bradley and I have been together, the condoms have come out once. The time we had broken up for a few months, and we’d both “moved on”. Those first 6 months after we’d gotten back together were FUCKING AWFUL. I have never thought of myself as a jealous man, but I would literally DESTROY the guy(s) that were with Bradley if I ever met them. Even thinking about it right now makes my blood boil and gets my adrenaline pumping.

The idea of seeing another condom between the two of us, I can’t even begin to describe how much that would completely and utterly destroy my world. It’s not about the stupid condoms! It’s about what they represent. I don’t give a fuck about some stupid condom. I care about being the only man in Bradley’s life. I care about monogamy, because no matter what your local old gay tells you, monogamy can and does exist in the gay community. Sometimes it can be the most difficult burden EVER since EVER, but it’s also ALWAYS the most rewarding and intimate experience you can share with another person.

Being honest with my feelings has always been the one thing that has turned me into a coward. Mostly because I don’t ever feel worthy of these feelings, but also because I am always insecure enough to feel like my feelings will not be reciprocated. Being with Bradley has given me courage like I have never known. The moment I was finally able to wrap my head around the fact that I loved him I became a different man.

Having to experience life without him, I know it’s not anything I could ever do again. Bradley makes me a better man and I think I might just do the same for him. He gave me the courage to start production on my own show, and he gave me the strength to confront a lot of my insecurities that I have been hiding from. He is my everything; life without him just doesn’t make sense to me. That’s why I got down on my knee and asked him to marry me. And I mean the world to him, so that’s why he said, “yes”.

9 comments:

frank said...

Congrats! I am so happy for you! I wish you the best!

Trevor said...

I was waiting for this to happen since december! I am so very happy for you. I was already promised the role of flower girl so you try and recast and I will have to cut you! I wish you guys were still in CA because I want to give you two the biggest hug ever! I am so happy!

Nivek said...

awesome news! congratulations to the both of you!

Jason said...

I am so proud of you. Bradley has helped bring out the man in you we all knew you could become. Together you two are going to accomplish so many wonderful things.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations RGB! This was a very sweet post. I believe in monogamy too. It's great to hear about real people, especially ones as young as you and Bradley, making a go of it. Love you guys!

mikie3 said...

Congratulations to you both...... Reading this post, gives me hope.

RGB said...

I would just like to thank everyone for all their positive comments and emails. It's such an amazing feeling to know that their are so many people out there who are happy for Brad and I. Thanks again. RGB

Drew Callous Boy said...

I couldn't help blurting out Oh my God! when I got to the end. I am so happy for you guys. Congratulations! :o)

Anonymous said...

Not trying to rock the boat or anything, but you seem extremely young to be getting married. From what I gather you're 26 and your partner is somewhere around 23. You both are entirely too young for to make this sort of decision. Has this been thought through?