Wednesday, January 31, 2018


Most nights I can’t sleep so I jump into my car and before I know it I’m at a national park 10hrs away. Which is how I ended up at Arches and spent the day paddle boarding down the Colorado. And it’s how I ended up stuck in a snowstorm IN MY CAR overnight somewhere between Tahoe and Placerville. And its how I ended up at Crater Lake getting eaten by mosquitoes and sleeping under the stars.

I’ve never been very good at meditation or quiet contemplation. In general anything that requires me to sit still and remain quiet, I fail at. But walking up the side of a mountain for hours with that slow burn in my legs and that fresh air in my lungs has allowed me to really clear my mind.

When I first started wandering the country in my SUV, it was because I was sad and lonely and felt like my world was falling apart. I needed an escape and the idea of drinking until I couldn’t feel feelings anymore made me feel sick to my stomach. SO I jumped in my car and drove. I ended up at Manzanar and spent the day walking and crying and drawing and imagining all the sad and hopeless souls who fought, suffered, died, and felt like the world had turned against them. And then I spent 5 hours driving home feeling slightly better. 

After that I caught the bug. Machu Picchu, Everest, Whitney, Halfdome, Patagonia and my upcoming trip to Kawaii are the big ones. But between that, road trips to Big Sur, Glacier, Death Valley, Zion and monthly visits to Joshua Tree have become my reason to live. The good people at REI have become my second family, and outside under the stars is my new favorite home. 

For the last 2 years this has been my life. The world is a beautiful place. I’ve spent my entire life experiencing some of the best beaches in the world, so now it’s time to see what else is going on. That’s the logic I apply to my situation to justify what I’m doing. But I know theres more to it. My failures, my heartache and my inability to do anything are always on my mind. I’ve spent so long being held hostage by a sickness that has crippled my soulmate. Even now that I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel, I still can’t help but feel like nothing has really changed. I’m still a failure and I’m still alone. 

I don't really know what I'm saying here. Lately a lot of people have been forcing me to stop and deal with a lot of stuff I have been avoiding. There are so many things happening that I just don't feel qualified to deal with, and running away from my problems has always been my go to move... I keep hoping that avoiding my problems will either magically make them go away, or inspire some answers and solutions I haven't even considered. But that's not the way life works.

That moment when you want to be Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild. But worry you’re actually Reese Witherspoon in Wild… {confused face emoji}

1 comment:

Mike said...
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