Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Regrets


I wish I had thicker skin. When I was a boy on the playground, I was always the kid that started crying whenever I saw another kid cry. It wasn’t like I wanted to take the attention away from the kid who got hurt; it was just that seeing another person in pain has always affected me in a HUGE way. Over the years I have been able to get the waterworks under control (to an extent) but just because I’m not crying on the outside doesn’t mean I am not falling apart on the inside.

For awhile now I have been trying the whole “tough guy” act, just to see how it fits. I guess that it’s not so awful because I definitely feel better about myself in the short term. However, punching out a guy for disrespecting me is only cathartic as long as I can still feel the ache in my knuckles. Then of course the inevitable guilt sets in and I spend the next week feeling shitty over my momentary indiscretion.

I realize I am basically going from one extreme to another, but when it comes to finding balance in my life I am always WAY BEHIND the curve. It’s just so hard to figure out the man I should be, and how exactly I go about becoming that man. Being tough isn’t really working out for me, because let’s face it, I’M NOT TOUGH! Acting all angry and such is actually more draining than putting a smile on and acting like I am okay.

I met with Eddie today in Amsterdam. I guess the reality of him coming home has finally hit us both. He’s really not doing very well. His crazy work schedule and lack of social life has made him a little depressed. There are so many things I wish I could change just to see him smile again. I honestly do care about him and love him so much it hurts. If it weren’t for Eddie I wouldn’t be who I am today. More than my family, more than my best friend, he helped me to discover who I am and what I am capable of. Just by letting me be a part of his life, he opened up a world of possibilities to me I never knew existed.

Our biggest problem (besides the fact that I am in love with someone else) is I am no longer the guy I once was. Eddie is quite possibly the most talented and loving guy I will ever meet, but we just don’t fit together anymore. Sitting there and coming to that realization together hit me hard. Seeing the pain in his eyes and realizing that I didn’t feel the same way made me feel a million times worse. I felt like I had betrayed him, because in a way I did. His heart still belonged to me, but I had taken mine back a long time ago. I didn’t know how to react to him. I wanted to cry, but I promised myself I wouldn’t. I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t find a way to be angry at anybody but myself. So I just got up and said goodbye, then I walked away.

So here I am with a huge plastic smile spackled on my face. Laughing and cracking jokes with all the other guys, but inside I am crying. Inside I feel like the worst kind of person there is because if I were a stronger man, things would be different for both of us. I really do wish things could be different because he deserves to be the happiest man on the planet. What he doesn’t deserve is a guy like me, acting the way I do.

3 comments:

David said...

this post made me sad. i can't even begin to try to understand how you feel, but i hope you overcome it.

Trevor said...

As always you are being too hard on yourself. You can't feel responsible for another person's state of mind. He was the one who made a decision to move to a new continent for 14 months and now he's paying for it. You can feel bad for him, but you shouldn't feel responsible. He's finally going through something that you went through a year ago. Once he finally deals with all this emotional baggage he's been putting of since he started working he will be okay just like you.

Jason said...

I get why you are freaking, anybody would. I don't really know what to say to make the situation better, but I hope you do feel better soon.