Sunday, April 05, 2009


If this past 10 days has taught me anything, its that I SUCK at life and I fail as a rational human being! I wish some of the people that read my blog could see me on an average day here in my life. I am a much stronger and confident man than I think I come off as on this blog. Out in the world when people see me, they would never imagine the self-doubt and FEAR that I express all the time here when I write. The image that I project outwardly for others is very important to me and an integral part of who I am as a person. So every time I post something that contradicts that outward image I am trying to project (read, EVERY TIME I POST SOMETHING.) I find myself in conflict over whether I should actually do it. 

Bradley knocked on my door exactly 10 days ago, early Friday morning. I opened my door and when I saw him I was so happy I jumped directly into his arms wrapping myself around him as tight as I possibly could. I have missed him so much I was starting to think that maybe I should go and see a doctor about it for some heavy meds. But then there he was, and there I was, and we were together, and I was better. I have no idea how long we stood there hugging. Neither of us said anything, I think we both realized nothing good could come from speaking so as long as this embrace was happening things could be perfect. 

Eventually we let go of each other and we walked over to the couch and sat down. After a few awkward moments of silence we started talking and we didn’t stop until we looked at the window and noticed it was night. The day had went by so fast that the second I’d realized it was over I started panicking over the fact that this was all over. I wanted him to stay, and he clearly didn’t want to go. What we had here was a disaster in the making. 

He stayed. Saturday was even better than Friday. Shane (Bradley’s brother) started calling A LOT Friday evening, but we didn’t need a reality check from him or anybody. I texted Shane to let him know Bradley was in fact still with me and then we shut off our phones. Sunday morning was when things started to shift. The reality of him going back to SD for his last quarter of school was starting to sink in. I knew the question was coming from the first moment when I opened the door, and as much as I wanted it to, my answer never changed. The things that were wrong with our relationship when we broke up were still very wrong and I would be a fool to walk right back into the same minefield I left. 

This euphoria that we had been feeling over the last couple days was wearing off fast because reality’s a bitch, and the more you try to push it back the greater the force is going to be when it snaps back! God damn did it snap! There was screaming. Lots of screaming. Accusations flying left and right. Crying. Still through all the unpleasantness all I wanted to do was go back to SD with Bradley and do our best to make things as they used to be. I was scared that I might actually give into this sad fantasy where everything could be good again, so I asked him to leave. There was a lot more screaming before he actually did go, and when it was over, IT WAS OVER. 

The week that followed was kind of a blur. I haven’t left my place much or had contact with the outside world. All hundred hours of my unwatched Tivo’d programming is no longer unwatched. Kyle and I finished our project a few weeks ago so I didn’t have to worry about getting up to deal with him, but I had taken on more hours at my other job. After Wednesday I’d called in every favor I had and I finally had to go into work on Thursday. If it weren’t for work I think I would still have been a complete wreck. Because of the nature of this other job, I got perspective on life relatively quick. 

My relationship with Bradley feels exactly like this song. The saddest thing is if he were to knock on my door right now, I would jump right into his arms and do it all over again. How fucking sad is that!?


Jason said...

When breakups are fresh like this it's inevitable you would feel this way seeing him. Don't beat yourself up for being human. You guys spent this huge part of your lives being together and growing as men, of course you are always going to open your doors to him!

Jordan said...

dang dude, that's rough...
i suppose it's natural tho to want to be with him even if you know it won't work.

hang in there

much love

Anonymous said...

I had know idea John Legend covered this song. I love it! You shouldn't let yourself get into these situations where you know you are going to end up hurting like this. Be strong and nip this in the bud so you don't have to feel like this again.

Trevor said...

This whole entry makes me sad. You need to give yourself a break. In the immortal words of Mr Adam Sandler, "love stinks!". Stay strong, and if you need to go out and party the pain away, just give me a call. ;)

Mike said...

After that it got pretty late. And we both hadda go, but it was great seeing [Bradley] again, right? I realized what a terrific person [he] was and-and how much fun it was just knowing [him] and I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my [boyfriend's] crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how how I feet about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and ... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. Right?

Anonymous said...

pathetic. you are absolutely pathetic.

Jason said...

I just read the comic thing at the top of this post. You are such a nerd I kind of want to give you a wedgie! I didn't know a person could be completely sappy and over the top smart geek/nerd/loser all at once. Dude, you're like a liger!

Anonymous said...

Anon above: how can anything that has to do with love be pathetic?

Love is powerful. Love is real.