Regrets

I wish I had thicker skin. When I was a boy on the playground, I was always the kid that started crying whenever I saw another kid cry. It wasn’t like I wanted to take the attention away from the kid who got hurt; it was just that seeing another person in pain has always affected me in a HUGE way. Over the years I have been able to get the waterworks under control (to an extent) but just because I’m not crying on the outside doesn’t mean I am not falling apart on the inside.

For awhile now I have been trying the whole “tough guy” act, just to see how it fits. I guess that it’s not so awful because I definitely feel better about myself in the short term. However, punching out a guy for disrespecting me is only cathartic as long as I can still feel the ache in my knuckles. Then of course the inevitable guilt sets in and I spend the next week feeling shitty over my momentary indiscretion.

I realize I am basically going from one extreme to another, but when it comes to finding balance in my life I am always WAY BEHIND the curve. It’s just so hard to figure out the man I should be, and how exactly I go about becoming that man. Being tough isn’t really working out for me, because let’s face it, I’M NOT TOUGH! Acting all angry and such is actually more draining than putting a smile on and acting like I am okay.

I met with Eddie today in Amsterdam. I guess the reality of him coming home has finally hit us both. He’s really not doing very well. His crazy work schedule and lack of social life has made him a little depressed. There are so many things I wish I could change just to see him smile again. I honestly do care about him and love him so much it hurts. If it weren’t for Eddie I wouldn’t be who I am today. More than my family, more than my best friend, he helped me to discover who I am and what I am capable of. Just by letting me be a part of his life, he opened up a world of possibilities to me I never knew existed.

Our biggest problem (besides the fact that I am in love with someone else) is I am no longer the guy I once was. Eddie is quite possibly the most talented and loving guy I will ever meet, but we just don’t fit together anymore. Sitting there and coming to that realization together hit me hard. Seeing the pain in his eyes and realizing that I didn’t feel the same way made me feel a million times worse. I felt like I had betrayed him, because in a way I did. His heart still belonged to me, but I had taken mine back a long time ago. I didn’t know how to react to him. I wanted to cry, but I promised myself I wouldn’t. I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t find a way to be angry at anybody but myself. So I just got up and said goodbye, then I walked away.

So here I am with a huge plastic smile spackled on my face. Laughing and cracking jokes with all the other guys, but inside I am crying. Inside I feel like the worst kind of person there is because if I were a stronger man, things would be different for both of us. I really do wish things could be different because he deserves to be the happiest man on the planet. What he doesn’t deserve is a guy like me, acting the way I do.