Friday, August 22, 2008

Momma Drama

My mom called me last week, I didn’t answer. I let it go to voicemail and I didn’t listen to the voicemail for 5 days. Every time my mom calls I have a lot of anxiety about answering the phone because all of her calls always end with me in the fetal position. I even have issues listening to her voicemails, because she has this awesome ability to have one sided conversations with my voicemail that end with a very similar result of me in the fetal position. Finally I decided it was time to give it a listen, and surprise surprise she was asking for money. A LOT of money. Like I could buy a new car with all the bells and whistles and still have enough to go out for a really fancy dinner at the swankiest restaurant in LA.

I am not going to lie, my first thought was to call her back and tell her to fuck off. How the hell could she have the nerve to ask me for anything after all the shit she’s put me through!? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she wouldn’t have come to me for ANYTHING if she could help it. I know my mother and she’s not a greedy person. So if she’s asking me for money I know she’s already exhausted every other option available to her, and she really needs it. It took me less than a minute to decide to log onto my computer and transfer the money into her bank account. I didn’t stop giving her money so she would suffer. I stopped giving her money because it was easier for me to push all of our bullshit out of my mind when I didn’t have this monthly reminder mocking me. I don’t want her to struggle, and I don’t want her to be unhappy just because she won’t be a part of my life the way I want her to be.

I told Tyler about this because just hearing my mom’s voice again just brought up all the same insecurities and depression she always makes me feel. Tyler was pretty annoyed with me for giving into her so easily. He does his best to hold his tongue when it comes to my mother, but he says it all with his body language and tone of voice. I guess the thing that stuck with me the most is when he asked me a question. How is my mother ever going to learn to respect me, when I clearly don’t respect myself? But I honestly don’t see it that way at all.

I guess the best example of what I am doing would be from my own father. Much like my mother I am not speaking to him either. For very different reasons, but in the end the results are all pretty much the same. Still every month my father pays my health insurance, which isn’t cheap at all (over $1,000 a month), I have been labeled “uninsurable” because of all my injuries and chronic health problems. He does this because even though I am not speaking to him, I am still his son, I need this, and he has it to give. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t help somebody out in their time of need, when I clearly depend on others in my own?

I see where Tyler’s coming from, but this has nothing to do with respecting myself. I did it because I know if the roles were reversed she would do the same for me. Tyler says I don’t deserve to be treated this way, but I believe we all get what we deserve. Maybe I am getting what I deserve, maybe she is too. I am not trying to achieve some kind of moral victory and I don’t think doing this for my mother is going to change how she feels about me. I really don’t feel like I am a push over either! I’m honestly just trying to do the right thing.

1 comment:

David said...

i really hope you didn't give her money to buy a mercedes or bmw.

but you're right, she is your mother... but still... look at the way she treats you!