Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The devil is in the details...

I am going to try and cover a couple of different topics right now. The first thing that I want to deal with was my day with Kim. It went pretty good. I picked her up and we went for breakfast at, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. There I told her why I was upset with her yesterday. I explained to her how what she said was offensive to me, and I did my best to not sound like a condescending prick as I told her this. She was disappointed in herself and very embarrassed that she could offend somebody and not even realize why. She was actually so embarrassed that she didn't even want to go anywhere with me because she didn't feel like she deserved to have a fun day out with me. I told her not to give it a second thought, and we had a really fun afternoon!

I have been thinking a lot about the emails that I have been receiving lately. A lot of people seem to think that I live a life as a completely open gay man. But that could not be further from the truth. Two months ago, nobody knew that I was gay except my summer camp fling from Sea World. Only after starting this blog have I been able to start to SLOWLY tell people about the real me. Granted, after I told Tyler, things really started to snowball for me. A few days later I found Eddie, and a few weeks later I told my aunts that I was gay. But I still have a long way to go before I can consider myself, "out of the closet". Neither of my parents know, and most of my closest and oldest friends have no idea.

I think that for now, I have plateaued. I have no plans on coming out to people for my professional career or my private life. I have been through a lot of changes in a very short period of time, and now I need a little while to absorb all of the things that I have dealt with as of late. Summer camp is an extremely stressful time. No matter how good you are at dealing with others, or communicating with children, things are going to stress you out! You are literally, ON, 24/7. Being one way for such a long period of time wears on your nerves, and by the end of the summer, EVERYBODY is a nervous wreck.

I think that I am at a good place in my life anyway, and I deserve a little rest. I have a boyfriend that I am completely infatuated with. A best friend who would take a bullet from me. And 5 aunts that finally know the real me, and have never loved me more.

I hope that reading this doesn't disappoint any of you. I am not trying to be a coward. I am trying to be happy. I am very new at being gay, and I am pretty sure that I am making a mess of things, but I am trying my hardest.

This is my old avatar. I didn't like the way that it looked when it was small. You couldn't tell what it was. Obviously its just a quick sketch, and my devil has no feet! But I got lazy and decided that I didn't need to draw any! DEAL WITH IT! haha! If you look closely you can see all of the things that I am not good at in this picture are missing. He has no face, and no feet! He is also wearing a hat, because I hate drawing guy hair! WOW! I have never told anybody about my lack of hair drawing skills! I feel very vulnerable right now...

13 comments:

Asher said...

I am very glad that you felt comfortable enough with us to share that you lack hair drawing skills. That is definitely one of those deep dark secrets that I would keep to myself!

I also wanted to say that reading your blog has never made me feel disapointed. In fact, it makes me feel hopeful that there are people that can live through really difficult situations and come out the other end of them as pretty decent human beings.

Anonymous said...

Kewl devil guy. That's funny. You are so talented that it makes me sick! So it brings me pleasure to think that you suck at certain things! It makes me feel like you are almost human! But somehow even with these little flaws you are better than me! DAMN-IT!

WhiteflameNZ said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
WhiteflameNZ said...

Coming out is a slow process, it took me about 4 years before I could say 'I am openly gay'. Prior to that I made everyone swear they wouldnt tell anyone and was very very selective about the people I told. I think you have come an extraordinary distance in only a couple of months, and for that reason I think you deserve a break. Even if you dont say it in your blog, it is a stressful time for any young guy and it takes time to let things sink in so you can feel comfortable with where you are at.

Im no good at giving words of wisdom, im much better at laughing at things and making light of a situation, but thats pretty much my best shot at it.

(and I promise to spell check in future to save me from deleting and re-adding comments)

Jason said...

I think that its great that you are going at your own speed. That is how life should be. You take the step once you are ready to do so. Not a moment before! I think that you have it made in the shade. So if you feel like you want to take a moment and enjoy yourself and how far you have come. Good for you!

I am also pretty freaked out that you were able to make peace with that ignorant kentucky chick. You are definitely a man that marches to the beat of his own drum. I wonder what it sounds like...

Marc said...

I first wanted to start off by saying that I am not in the least bit disapointed in the fact that you need to take a break. I was wondering when you were going to ease up and take some time to enjoy your achievements. You have a lot to be proud of.

I also wanted to congragulate you on not dumping that evil kentucky chick in Compton and driving away! That would have been funny. And I could imagine myself doing something like that... I am a very jaded 23 year old. Its a long story.

I love the devil! I don't love "the devil", I love the picture that you made of the demon guy... hahaha.

Perrin said...

You are such a great guy. I don't think that there are many things that you can do to make your readers(myself included) think that you are disapointing them. You live your life your way. That is admirable no matter what your decisions are or what you choose to do.

Kiel said...

Well just as long as you don't stop posting, I won't be disapointed! You are responsible for my favorite blog on the internet and I would be very sad if you stopped posting for the summer.

I love your picture

I love the way you dealt with that tactless retard from Kentucky.

I think that its awesome that you have a boyfriend after 2 months of being semi-out! I have been trying to get a boyfriend for like 2 years. I am slightly JEALOUS! But you totally deserve it.

Trevor said...

Dude. Feel free to live however you want to live. No matter what you decide to do in life just remember that I will always be your friend. You have never disapointed me in all the years that I have known you, because you are awesome!

The maturity that you used to handled that stupid chick, was nothing short of saintly. I would like to give you atleast 2 gold stars for that.

The drawing kicks ass also! I love that chair your satan guy is sitting on! Its hardcore and would go perfect in my dorm room!

Josh said...

Everyday I come to read your blog, and everyday I think that you are a little bit more awesome. It's not disapointing to hear that you need to slow down a little bit. You have been going full speed for a very long time. I would have taken a break a long time ago.

You are one of the coolest guys that I have ever had the privelage of meeting. I hope that you know how strong that you are.

Terry said...

Amazing!

I can't help but agree with everything said above! You could not *possibly* disappoint any of your faithful readers. I dare guess that most, if not all, of us have taken a "time-out" or two... or three... or four...

Inwardly, I'm thinking that your plateau won't last as long as you are now thinking. So, take a breather Eric; you've earned it! You'll come out of it sooner than your statement indicates.

Great moves with Kim. While she made some gaffes, she now knows about them and might become a good colleague at camp. Also, its sad to say, but because of the way our world looks at homosexuals in relation to youth camps, I fully understand NOT coming out to others at camp. You might not have a job, if you did, because of the stereotypes that heteros have in their beady little minds.

Oh, and BTW, love the drawing! No feet but I love the left arm's hand (?). Or should I say claw? You're great!

Anonymous said...

I have to admit that sometimes reading your blog, I think of you as this amazingly self assured guy that has life figured out. Even if you haven't figured out every little detail, I still think that you are ahead of the game! You definitely know how to move at your own pace and not let outside pressures change your plans. Good for you. You are still my hero!

JP

Chris said...

simply spectacular.

I love everything about your blog, because its a real expression of who you are and what you are all about. If you need a break from things, then do it. You are too honest to be any other way.

Don't change.