Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Officer Ernie

Every morning I wake up and get ready to go jogging, and then I remember that I have an injured knee and jogging is out of the question. So what’s a boy to do when he’s all dressed up with nowhere to go? Obviously to Starbucks to play on my laptop as I sip my blended ice concoction and procrastinate about doing my homework!

I am a creature of habit, so once I start doing something its practically impossible for me to stop. My morning Starbucks ritual is a direct result of me not being able to stop waking up every morning to get dressed and go running! The first couple of days were driving me crazy because I had all this energy and nowhere for it to be unleashed. But after a few days, I actually started to enjoy my leisure mornings catching up on emails and IM’ing my friends.

I noticed Officer Ernie on the first morning. He walked into the coffee shop with his over stylized spiky faux-hawk, the sexiest pair of thick black framed nerd glasses I have ever seen, and his cop uniform (what kind of boy would I be if I didn’t find a man in uniform sexy!?). Needless to say, I could not stop staring at him! I am not going to lie, I am pretty sure there was some serious drooling going on. So of course he took the table right next to mine and it took all of my will power to not walk up to him and start humping his leg!

I don’t really want to have this post drag on forever, so I am going to seriously truncate what happened next. Basically we became friends after that morning because it was just so easy for us to talk to each other. About three days a week since January, we would sit in front of the coffee shop and just shoot the shit. Then at some point we started to make plans outside of our morning routines. And I guess this is where my problems began.

I just want to make something very clear before I go any further. Though I initially was nothing but raging hormones around Officer Ernie, I never wanted anything from this guy except a friendship. However, at the same time I didn’t exactly treat him like I would any other new friend that I have met, and I wasn’t about to share this new friend with anybody else [read: I wasn’t telling Bradley].

He was tragically straight (or so I thought at the time), but then again so are most of the men in my life! I think it’s what keeps me honest. I guess maybe in the back of my mind I thought there might be a possibility that he was gay or bi-curious or however you want to classify it. All I know for sure is it really did start off as innocently as could be. There is no way that anybody would ever think that either of us could possibly be gay just by looking at us. The same is true that there’s no way we could have looked at each other and assumed that there was a possibility for sex.

In hindsight I can see it clearly; I was flirting with him since day one. It was subtle and could easily have passed as friendly banter, and even to myself I still try and rationalize it that way. Eventually things progressed to the point where we were both being pretty obvious with our desires and it was just a matter of who was going to say something first. He did. So that’s when I told him about Bradley. Of course he was a little surprised because up until that point I had never mentioned I had a boyfriend, much less my sexual preferences.

I set Officer Ernie straight, so to speak. After I was done I felt like a complete asshole. I think the gravity of this entire situation finally hit me. I fucked up. But I still clung to the fact that I hadn’t done anything wrong! Technically I just made a friend that wanted to have sex with me, and if that doesn’t happen on a daily basis in my life, then I am just not having a normal day! Still this was different. Even though I didn’t want to do anything with him, I had every intention to have him want to do all those things with me. How fucked up is that!?

The shit really hit the fan when I got all depressed about it. Bradley picked up on it and wanted to know what was going on. So I told him… All he wanted to hear was me say I was sorry, but for some reason I couldn’t because I was still clinging to this idea that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The more I refused to just apologize for whatever it was that I had done, the more it became apparent to both of us that I was in the wrong.

I don’t know what else to say. I hurt Bradley and I am very sorry for it.

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