Monday, January 28, 2008

Just a reminder...

We flew into the LAX last night around 7. We all exchanged pleasantries and said goodbye, then were quickly reminded to come up and visit EVERY chance we got. I love Bradley’s family! They are all just so nice.

Bradley dropped me off at Tyler’s parent’s house and then headed down to SD on his own. (For those of you that are new to my blog, Tyler is my brother from another mother. He’s the first person I ever came out to, and the only guy on the planet that knows me better than I know myself.) I have been meaning pick up my second car from their house for months, but life has been so crazy that I haven’t had an opportunity to do so until now. Also Tyler’s mom (For the purposes of this blog I will now refer to Tyler’s parents as Mr. and Mrs. Tyler.) has wanted to get me all by myself for a very long time, but our schedules have always clashed until yesterday, so it was like killing 2 birds with one stone.

I have always been extremely close with Tyler’s parents. I have literally been on every single family vacation they have taken since the 7th grade, and when my dad kicked me out my senior year, they were the ones that took me in. Throughout my life, they have always been my safety net for whatever I tried, because I knew when everybody else left me they would still be there, even more than my mother and father.

At first I assumed all the things they did for me were out of an obligation they felt because I was Tyler’s best friend. Like maybe I was just some kind of nuisance that wouldn’t go away, and I needed to be very careful to not overstay my welcome or things might change quickly. But that all changed the day I moved in with them. In no uncertain terms, they let me know they loved me, and for better or worse I was part of their family for life.

After Tyler, they were the first people I came out to. I told them months before I came out to my [lesbian] aunts and almost a year before I came out to my own parents. I told them first for a number of reasons. I love them, I respect them, they have always been there for me when I needed them, but above all else, I KNEW they were going to accept me no matter what.

I have my own keys, so I let myself in and made my way to the back of the house. Mrs. Tyler was listening to some music when I came in. She got up and hugged me and then we were talking about my amazing tan that I magically acquired in this super crappy weather, and then we got our coats and grabbed some dinner in our favorite fancy restaurant. I kind of felt like there was something ominous in the very near future she was building up to, but I decided to just enjoy the moment.

And it began the moment we got back into the car!

Mrs. Tyler: Mijo, I worry about you so much. You and Tyler are my whole life and both of you boys are so secretive when it comes to your lives!

RGB: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Mrs. Tyler: [as she puts her hand on my shoulder] My boys are so tough! But you can’t lie to me. I know what’s going on in your life even if you don’t share it with me.

At this point we are back home already and we go take a seat in the backyard under the covered patio.

Mrs. Tyler: I had a talk with your mother last month mijo. I know what’s going on. I talked with Tyler about it and he says you have been having a difficult time with the way she has been treating you. She has no right to treat you the way she does! You know I think of you as my own. As long as I live you will always have a mother in me who is proud of you and the man that you have become. I will always be here if you need me for anything, and I will always love you with all of my heart!

RGB: [choked up and unable to talk I just stare at the ground.]

We don’t even have to talk anymore. She knows everything. She hugs me and I completely fall apart. I don’t know how long I cry for, but during the whole thing she never lets go. She looked at me again and she asked me how I was really doing. So I have her the highlights (and here)... She'd already heard most of this stuff from Tyler, who had talked to her about me because he was worried, FUCKING MOMMA'S BOY!!!

I was totally busted and a complete mess, but when it was finally over I actually felt good. I felt like I had a mom and she cared enough for me to sit me down and force me to let my guard down. I am not sure why I was surprised that Mrs. Tyler cared so much, its not like she hasn't done similar things like this for me my whole life. I can't even count how many times she has told me she loves me, or let me know how she thinks of me as if I were her son, but I still get surprised every time she proves it.

I know it sounds stupid, especially because of how wonderful I am! But I sometimes feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. I have two parents, and at some point in my life, both of them have made it clear to me that life would be much less complicated if I weren't in it. What kind of parents would make their children feel like that!? What kind of person does a kid have to be to make their parents say such things?

Most of my time I go through my days with this huge chip on my shoulder. This feeling that somehow I am less worthy than everybody around me. I live moment to moment thinking any second everybody in my life is going to abandon me. Then Mrs. Tyler hugs me and I forget that my mom thinks I am going to hell and my dad would rather believe I am a liar than admit my stepmother used to beat me.

Mrs Tyler always likes to remind me how life gives us everything we need to cope with whatever problems that come our way. In my case life has given me devastatingly good looks, an amazing sense of humor, intelligence, athletic superiority, and above all else plenty of people who love me. I guess sometimes I just need to be reminded about that last one...

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